Okay, so it seems to me like every single time I feel good and I feel like I'm doing well and am starting to come into my own and get back on my feet, there's something that just shocks me and sets me back and makes me have doubts. It seems like I was so confident last year when I started college and now it's all down the tubes.
I come out of my health class and Sue sees me and calls me over. Then she proceeds to start apologizing to me. I don't know what she's apologizing for, so I'm just staring at her. Finally I ask why, and she tells me. "So we have our table today, and I was sitting there giving information and having people fill out the sign up sheet and this girl comes up. She looked familiar but I didn't know why, and so I gave her all the information. Well after she walks away I look at the sheet and go oh shit that was Ariel." and then she kept apologizing to me. I mean, it isn't her fault. We're a club we're supposed to welcome all members of the student body.
I just don't know how I feel about it. I'm a bit upset. I mean, it may be selfish reasons but she really hurt me and these are my friends who helped me through it. This was my club and still is as I'm vice president of it with Sue as president. To have my ex-g/f who hurt me so deeply join, well I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I'm going to react if she walks into the classroom next Wed. for the meeting. I haven't seen or talked to her since we broke up 4 months ago.
In a way, and this may sound selfish, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my friends who have stuck by me through the whole break up and been there for me the entire time, are going to meet her and like her more than me. I'm afraid that their going to think I lied about all she did to me because they'll meet her and think she is super sweet. I don't know how likely that is, but it's a fear I have. Plus, my friend Nicole, who I just reconnected with recently and got to join RA used to like Ariel ,and doesn't know Ariel is the ex that literally broke my heart. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't know if they were still friends or not. So I don't even know what's going to happen with my friends in rainbow alliance and that scares me. It's like what happens if I lose them or if they like her better after everything she did to me?
I think selfishly i'm also upset because it's been my club since i started college. I was one of the first members when it was reformed and there were like 5 of us in the club. I helped shape it into the larger group that it is becoming this semester. I work with Sue to come up with ideas for fundraising and events. Yet, here she is joining and I guess I kind of feel like she's invading my turf. As selfish as that is. I don't know.
I don't know why this is even getting to me. I was so confident last year. I was like I'm me, and I don't care what anyone thinks. Now, lately, I feel like I'm doubting everything. I'm doubting how my friends really feel about me. I'm doubting it all, and I don't know why.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Best Kept Secret
So my stress level has been rapidly growing the last few days. Last night was the worst. I was literally spazzing out. Now,I'm not one to get angry enough and stressed enough to throw things usually. Yet, last night I threw my business law book across the room, and lost mel's pen that was in it in the process.
All of my stress last night revolved around one thing. MY BROTHER. My brother is being a complete idiot. Now, my dad isn't in the best health right now. He was in the hospital about two weeks ago, with symptoms of a heart attack. Since then he's been going for all kinds of tests on his heart. So I've been worried, as I'm a major Daddy's girl and am really worried about losing him now more than ever. On top of that my brother is only increasing my dad and my mom's stress.
MY parents found out that my SIXTEEN year old brother has been smoking for over a year. They also found out he drinks and my mother suspects he smokes pot too. My brother's excuse is that EVERYBODY does it, that 99.9% of his school does it. That's complete bullshit. I went to that school. I never did any of that shit and neither did half my friends. Okay, so MAYBE some of my friends drank, but not all of them. NONE of them smoked. I never did either. Anyway, needless to say my parents are both very upset.
My mother keeps asking me what she did wrong in raising him. I tell her nothing, but it doesn't make her stop questioning that. I'm so pissed at him. He makes her and my dad upset. My mom's been crying. He talks to them like their garbage. He leaves the house randomly without telling them where he's going, and now they know why. I just can't believe he'd do this to them. He really has them upset. I can't even say that enough because it's an understatement.
There's a thought in the back of my mind that won't go away though. My mom keeps saying "What could possibly be so bad that he'd feel he needed to do that?" and my mind goes to me. The one thing he's been complaining about and making little subtle comments about has been me being gay. So even though i know I shouldn't, I can't help but think that maybe that's why. Mels already told me not to think that way, and not to blame myself. Yet, I can't help that thought from forming. I can try and tell myself it's not true, but it doesn't make it go away. I thought I was a good role model. I thought he knew better and that I had set a better example for him. I'm his big sister, and I always tried to leave the line of communication open. Yet, apparently I was not a good enough role model or example as he did all the things I never did and never wanted him to do.
I'm just really upset, hurt, angry and disappointed with my brother. Like I don't even want to talk to him. Especially because he's lied to me. He trusted me at one point! He used to tell me the stupid stuff he'd do. He told me the first time he ever drank. I didn't tell him a disapproved. I did tell my parents, just to make them aware. He never knew I told them. So I don't know what I did for him to stop confiding in me! He lied to me, and continues to. Like today he came in reeking of smoke and told me it's because he was with our neighbor who smokes and that all the kids were smoking coming out of the high school. Apparently, he has no clue I know. I just...I don't even want to talk to him because all it's doing is pissing me off more and more. I think I'm more mad at him than anything else. I'm mad that he had to pull this shit. He should know better.
All of my stress last night revolved around one thing. MY BROTHER. My brother is being a complete idiot. Now, my dad isn't in the best health right now. He was in the hospital about two weeks ago, with symptoms of a heart attack. Since then he's been going for all kinds of tests on his heart. So I've been worried, as I'm a major Daddy's girl and am really worried about losing him now more than ever. On top of that my brother is only increasing my dad and my mom's stress.
MY parents found out that my SIXTEEN year old brother has been smoking for over a year. They also found out he drinks and my mother suspects he smokes pot too. My brother's excuse is that EVERYBODY does it, that 99.9% of his school does it. That's complete bullshit. I went to that school. I never did any of that shit and neither did half my friends. Okay, so MAYBE some of my friends drank, but not all of them. NONE of them smoked. I never did either. Anyway, needless to say my parents are both very upset.
My mother keeps asking me what she did wrong in raising him. I tell her nothing, but it doesn't make her stop questioning that. I'm so pissed at him. He makes her and my dad upset. My mom's been crying. He talks to them like their garbage. He leaves the house randomly without telling them where he's going, and now they know why. I just can't believe he'd do this to them. He really has them upset. I can't even say that enough because it's an understatement.
There's a thought in the back of my mind that won't go away though. My mom keeps saying "What could possibly be so bad that he'd feel he needed to do that?" and my mind goes to me. The one thing he's been complaining about and making little subtle comments about has been me being gay. So even though i know I shouldn't, I can't help but think that maybe that's why. Mels already told me not to think that way, and not to blame myself. Yet, I can't help that thought from forming. I can try and tell myself it's not true, but it doesn't make it go away. I thought I was a good role model. I thought he knew better and that I had set a better example for him. I'm his big sister, and I always tried to leave the line of communication open. Yet, apparently I was not a good enough role model or example as he did all the things I never did and never wanted him to do.
I'm just really upset, hurt, angry and disappointed with my brother. Like I don't even want to talk to him. Especially because he's lied to me. He trusted me at one point! He used to tell me the stupid stuff he'd do. He told me the first time he ever drank. I didn't tell him a disapproved. I did tell my parents, just to make them aware. He never knew I told them. So I don't know what I did for him to stop confiding in me! He lied to me, and continues to. Like today he came in reeking of smoke and told me it's because he was with our neighbor who smokes and that all the kids were smoking coming out of the high school. Apparently, he has no clue I know. I just...I don't even want to talk to him because all it's doing is pissing me off more and more. I think I'm more mad at him than anything else. I'm mad that he had to pull this shit. He should know better.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Too Close For Comfort
So today I had my first day of classes. It started off horrible and it only got worse. I don't know why because usually even with something like what happened I try to be an optimist. I think it really hit me for some reason and with all the stress i'm feeling my emotions only intensified. I feel the need to blog is at A. Blogs always help and B. none of my friends are home yet so i'm kind of stuck.
So the first thing that happened almost as soon as I got on campus was I saw Ariel. I was walking up to the instructional building for my psychology class and there she was. I don't know why it bothered me, maybe because the next thought to cross my mind was that tomorrow is her birthday. But I got a bit upset. Not as bad as I have been previously at the thought of her, but still it hurt. She was smiling and seemed to belong there and it just made me feel like i didn't. Like the school I had been in for a year, my college was now her college too and like she belonged and suddenly I didn't.
So I went to pyschology class feeling like crap. I listened tot he prof. talk about expectations and THEN she started lecturing right away and I already have reading and such to do for that class. Looking at the syllabus stresses me out b/c it looks like it will so much work, plus i have 4 other classes.
Then, I got to my health class. Who sits next to me but this stalker kid I hate! He's like "Your tegan&sara girl right?" b/c he randomly came and sat next to me in the cafeteria last semester and looked at my itunes and asked who tegan and sara were. Then he preceded to ask me questions. Thne he asked me out. Of course i turned him down and told him i only dated girls. Well, then the idiot preceded to tell me he could change that. THIS is the kid who is now sitting next to me in health class! I freaked out. To top that off my health professor already gave us 5 assignments and he didn't even get to finish the lecture he started today. It's fucking HEALTH CLASS and the syllabus looks even worse than my Psychology class. So that stresses me out too.
So that has been my day so far. Now i'm trying to stop spazzing because I need to go to work in an hour and 15 minutes. So yeah.....that's been my day so far.
So the first thing that happened almost as soon as I got on campus was I saw Ariel. I was walking up to the instructional building for my psychology class and there she was. I don't know why it bothered me, maybe because the next thought to cross my mind was that tomorrow is her birthday. But I got a bit upset. Not as bad as I have been previously at the thought of her, but still it hurt. She was smiling and seemed to belong there and it just made me feel like i didn't. Like the school I had been in for a year, my college was now her college too and like she belonged and suddenly I didn't.
So I went to pyschology class feeling like crap. I listened tot he prof. talk about expectations and THEN she started lecturing right away and I already have reading and such to do for that class. Looking at the syllabus stresses me out b/c it looks like it will so much work, plus i have 4 other classes.
Then, I got to my health class. Who sits next to me but this stalker kid I hate! He's like "Your tegan&sara girl right?" b/c he randomly came and sat next to me in the cafeteria last semester and looked at my itunes and asked who tegan and sara were. Then he preceded to ask me questions. Thne he asked me out. Of course i turned him down and told him i only dated girls. Well, then the idiot preceded to tell me he could change that. THIS is the kid who is now sitting next to me in health class! I freaked out. To top that off my health professor already gave us 5 assignments and he didn't even get to finish the lecture he started today. It's fucking HEALTH CLASS and the syllabus looks even worse than my Psychology class. So that stresses me out too.
So that has been my day so far. Now i'm trying to stop spazzing because I need to go to work in an hour and 15 minutes. So yeah.....that's been my day so far.
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