I think that my family may have been right awhile ago when they thought that I was depressed. Last night my girlfriend and her family had a fight and she was out in the woods with no place to go for the night. I wanted to be there for her, but I totally lost myself last night. Everything just hit me in that instance. I went into hysterics and just completely had a breakdown. I couldn't breathe.
I can't remember the last time that I was happy with myself or felt that I please my family. Lately it just seems like I'm always getting yelled at for stupid little things out of my control. Like everything is my fault. I think maybe I'm starting to believe that. For the past few months I think I've started to believe that. The only time lately, maybe in the past 6 months, that I remember being happy is when I wasn't home and was out with my best friends. Otherwise I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and never do anything again.
I have lost my motivation. I want to just lay down in bed with my laptop all day, everyday. I don't want to do anything but sleep and eat only when its necessary. Which, lately, my appetite has diminished. I can get by with two meals a day and not get hungry and their not even big meals. I don't want to go to work or my classes. I have to force myself to do both, and I have skipped quite a few classes just because I lack the motivation to be there. I force myself to go out with friends and put on this facade that everything is perfect. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm two different people. At home, I struggle. Out with friends I actually almost feel like I'm happy. Yet, there's still always something missing and I don't quite know what it is. I don't know when I became this way. I was happy last fall, last fall semester I loved everything. Now I feel more hate and I feel like my ever present optimistic attitude is gone.
I've thought a lot about death. I've thought so much lately what a release it would be. How I'd have nothing to worry about anymore and I wouldn't have anything to stress about. It'd just be nothing. I've felt like I've almost been ready to face it. I've almost wished for a disease or something to just kill me as horrible as that seems. I've contemplated suicide at times and even had the razor in my hand in the shower. Yet, I could never do it. Why? I don't know. I'd usually end up a jumbled mess after and lock myself in my room, and pretend to my friends who imed me that things were fine, while inside I was dying because I wished I had gone through with it. Yet, then I would think of those people iming me, and how they would feel if I died. I think how everyone would react, my family, my friends, everyone. I think of it all and I realize there are people who care at me. I sit there and think WHAT THE HELL was I just thinking that for? I just, don't know why I feel this way. Why I get to that point.
I should be happy. I'm doing well in school. I have an amazing and loving family. My family has done so much for me. Sure, we don't always get along, but what family ALWAYS gets along, I don't think any really. I have amazing friends, the ones I'm closest to atleast, and I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me and who I love. So why can't I be happy? I mean sure, I'm happy when I'm out with my friends and girlfriend. There's flickers there. Yet, I come home and I don't want to deal with anything. I come home and just hit this low where sometimes I just don't want to move or get up. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be fully happy as I remember once being?
Why do I have no drive? No appetite for any food, learning, anything? Why don't I want any of it? What is going on and what is wrong with me?
I don't know why I can't seem to feel comfortable at home. I feel like I have to hide everything still. My family says their okay with it and they accept me, yet sometimes their actions still prove otherwise. Like my mom always talking about me and mike or me and chas. My Dad telling me he loves me and supports it but would never agree with it being right if a relationship go sexual or I wanted to marry because that is what the church is against. So they can tell me they accept it all they want, but their actions tell me otherwise and that alone makes me uncomfortable. I know they love me. Their amazing parents. Especially looking at how others parents are, but yet I just don't know why I can't feel comfortable. There's just something that makes me uncomfortable and I don't know what.
Then there's this paranoia I've felt since I was a little girl and my best friends backstabbed me. For a few years after that I didn't really have any friends. Maybe 1 or 2. It was really bad and is a really long story. Let's just say since then, even now that I have quite a few close friends that I trust, I have some paranoia issues. I always feel like when I'm around and people are whispering or texting or iming or anything like that their talking about me or that their plotting against me. Somewhere in the back of my mind this is what comes to mind. It could be because that's what my best friend when I was 8 did, right infront of me half the time. Yet, I don't know. I just always get these weird paranoid ideas when my friends whisper or don't include me in things. I know it's irrational and I know a lot of the thoughts that come to my mind are impossible because I love my friends and trust them not to talk like that about me. Yet, somewhere these thoughts still come. When there's a sleepover or party or anything and I'm either not invited or can't make it, there's always this feeling that everyone is there talking about me and that maybe I wasn't invited for a reason. I don't know why, and again I know it's irrational, yet I can't help it. These feelings just come. They never go away and haven't since I was about 8. I feel really bad too, because the people that these thoughts make me doubt are my best friends, who I know would never do that to me, ever. Yet, when these thoughts come, I can't stop them. I doubt my best friends motives! I doubt my best friends when these thoughts come. WHY?
Is any of this normal? Are any of these thoughts and these feelings normal? I certainly don't feel like they are. Apparently my family doesn't think so either. I'm going to a psychologist, plus my Dad thinks we need to go to family therapy too for my mom and I. I think it's all a good idea. I think I've needed to go this route for awhile from everything I've just realized. Yet, does all this make me a bad person? What does any of this mean? I don't know. Hopefully, I will, but as of now I'm clueless.
