So, it's almost Christmas and the New Year. It's crazy how much changes in a year. I mean, if you asked me about this time last year who would be and wouldn't be in my life I wouldn't have guessed things to be as they are now. I'm not happy with all of it either, but I like to think that most of it isn't my fault. Though, of course I don't always believe that because I tend to overthink things. I can't really help that though, it comes with paranoia and everything else. Yet, one thing I know is that those still in my life, however few and far between they are, are amazing people and have truly been the biggest supporters of my life and that Doctor Who is something that was brought into my life when I needed something uplifting most to keep me from going over the edge and slipping back to the depression I was in almost a year 1/2 ago. Sure, I still get depressed, it doesn't go away, but a major episode hasn't happened in such a long time because I have had some amazing people and things to keep me from it. I'd like to think I've handled events of this past year better than I could have, but I can't say I have no regrets. I just tend to push them away because they're not worth it. If it's not mutual regret or mutual missing, well then it doesn't matter because clearly I can't do anything about it. I just feel that I have to count my blessings.
Now, thinking on it. So much has happened that has truly uplifted me and made me appreciate life. First of all, Camp Sunshine. This was my first and hopefully not my last year volunteering there and I have to say they were probably five of the most rewarding and amazing days of my entire life. The people and kids I met there were amazing and I can only hope to see many of them back there again next year. These kids who almost lost their lives and fought for them and yet came out happier than anyone i've met in my life made such an impact on me. I mean, why should anyone be miserable and wish for death when here these kids could have lost it and had to fight for it? I know some people may not agree with that statement, but really I do. Life is fleeting and who knows it better than those children. Yet, there they were enjoying the life they had renewed. I hope every one of them stays in remission and I see them happy and healthy at camp once more.
Another thing that made me look at life differently is what happened to my 10 year old cousin. She was a typical, healthy 10 year old and within hours she went from being the crazy, hyper, happy 10 year old I knew and loved to a child stuck in a bed. My aunt and uncle were told it was likely they'd lose her. Yet, she's alive and well now and fought hard to be okay. She had a rare brain parasite that kills a majority of people, but she survived and is lucky to have survived. To me that is a miracle and yet again gives me an appreciation for life like no other. My entire family was in chaos just praying and hoping for a miracle. When someone so young and so vibrant is sick and has the possibility of death it really helps you to see life as something precious and now I try to remember that the moment I feel I'm taking things for granted. I don't want to take anything for granted anymore.
So many people take life for granted and people in their lives for granted. I wish they didn't and I could say differently, but it's the truth. I wish that I myself didn't do that, but even I am guilty of this. Now, well there's people in my life I miss, and well I wonder if they miss me, but I can't be bothered. I need to focus on those who show they care and return the feelings. If they miss me and I miss them we talk. Those are the people I need to focus on. I can't take anyone for granted anymore because who knows what's going to happen? That's what both camp and my cousin showed me. Hearing my kids at camps stories and my cousin's situation, well they demonstrated to me what could happen and so I hope I never take life or anyone for granted ever again.
As for anyone who reads this, I'd suggest you at least make sure those you care about know you love them and care. You never know what's going to happen. You may never get the opportunity again and even if you have, it's always good to know. Sometimes a simple statement like that can make someone's day. You never know, but my biggest advice this holiday season is to cherish those you love, and make sure they know how much you care. :D
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
It Dropped So Low
I'm finding that with classes I'm understanding and loving things that I never did in high school or before now. One of the poems I came to love this semester is by Emily Dickinson, who I never really appreciated before my amazing professor, Dr. Bordelon, made me understand her poems much better.So, I'm going to place my favorite Emily Dickinson poem here because I have really come to understand it.
It dropped so low-- in my Regard
I heard it hit the Ground--
And go to pieces on the Stones
At the bottom of my Mind--
Yet blamed the Fate that flung it -- less
Than I reviled Myself,
For entertaining Plated Wares
Upon my Silver Shelf--
This poem is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. For one I can relate to it. For another I was actually able to interpret it with my professor in class. I really do enjoy it and I love that Dickinson can make so few words hold such high meaning.
It dropped so low-- in my Regard
I heard it hit the Ground--
And go to pieces on the Stones
At the bottom of my Mind--
Yet blamed the Fate that flung it -- less
Than I reviled Myself,
For entertaining Plated Wares
Upon my Silver Shelf--
This poem is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. For one I can relate to it. For another I was actually able to interpret it with my professor in class. I really do enjoy it and I love that Dickinson can make so few words hold such high meaning.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
You Can't Run Forever...Everybody Lives
Okay, so I have developed an honest to god obsession with Doctor Who. There are only a few other obsessions that can even come CLOSE to the feeling Doctor Who gives me EVERY TIME I watch it. Them being Harry Potter, RENT and Spring Awakening. Even so, they don't come close enough. In the beginning I was so wishy washy about Doctor Who. I had heard of it, and I thought...oh that just sounds weird. Yet, after seeing an episode I was intrigued and now I just ADORE it. The show isn't just amazing for the plots, oh no, it goes so much deeper.
Doctor Who epitomizes so many symbols and themes. The Doctor stands for hope, love, life, and everything in between. You have a man, a timelord, who has lived over 900 years and seen so much, and yet he's still living and learning. He's still learning new things. He's a lonely man, he takes companions knowing that eventually he'll have to let them go. Eventually he'll have to allow them to live their own lives, have their families and do their own things. Yet, he still keeps going. I think this quote by River, whose identity is still not truly known to viewers yet, epitomizes what I just mentioned: "When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it."
It's true. No matter what happens the Doctor doesn't accept that. He keeps trekking on through time and space. He keeps moving and helping others. I have never seen on a single episode the doctor do for himself. He's always doing for others. He's always helping others. He never asks for anything in return either. He just does it. Again, Martha, a companion of his epitomizes this in a quote: "And his name is The Doctor. He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked. But I've seen him, I know him... I love him... And I know what he can do."
While there's some really sad episodes, even those episodes bring hope. He visits historic figures and literary figures, throwing in tales of monsters, witches and other supernatural elements, but deep down there's so much deeper meaning. I know this may all sound silly because it's about a tv show, but honestly this show really has made me love it because of the meaning and symbols in it. When I'm really feeling low, I just watch Doctor Who and the positive meaning and emotions it brings out can truly make me feel so much better. I can find a quote from almost every episode that I LOVE. This blog is only scraping the surface, and yet I felt the need to write it because, well it really makes me feel much more positive about everything.
I'm going to list some other quotes from the show that I absolutely adore:
"You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible: that maybe you survive."- 9th Doctor from The End of the World
"One may tolerate a world full of demons for the sake of an angel"- 10th Doctor from The Girl in the Fireplace
"He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe. And... he's wonderful."- Tim Latimer from The Family of Blood
"When you're a kid, they tell you it's all 'grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it.' But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better."- Elton from Love and Monsters
"What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind.... you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry."- Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"Have you ever run away from something because you were scared, or not ready, or just... just because you could?"-Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"You can't go back and change time, you mourn or you live"-from The Vampires of Venice
"It seems to me there is so much more to the world than the average eye is allowed to see. I believe if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of. It's colour! Colour that holds the key! I can hear the colours, listen to them. Every time I step outside, I feel nature is shouting at me. Come on! Come and get me! Come on! Capture my mystery!"- Vincent Van Gogh from Vincent and the Doctor
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."- 11th Doctor from Vincent and the Doctor
"That's okay; we're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. 'Cos it was, you know. It was the best....And the times we had. Woulda had. Never had. In your dreams they'll still be there. The Doctor and Amy Pond. And the days that never came."- 11th Doctor from The Big Bang
I don't know what else to say. I just felt an honest need to share why I love Doctor Who so much, and to put out there how upbeat it makes me feel. :D So that's it really.
Doctor Who epitomizes so many symbols and themes. The Doctor stands for hope, love, life, and everything in between. You have a man, a timelord, who has lived over 900 years and seen so much, and yet he's still living and learning. He's still learning new things. He's a lonely man, he takes companions knowing that eventually he'll have to let them go. Eventually he'll have to allow them to live their own lives, have their families and do their own things. Yet, he still keeps going. I think this quote by River, whose identity is still not truly known to viewers yet, epitomizes what I just mentioned: "When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it."
It's true. No matter what happens the Doctor doesn't accept that. He keeps trekking on through time and space. He keeps moving and helping others. I have never seen on a single episode the doctor do for himself. He's always doing for others. He's always helping others. He never asks for anything in return either. He just does it. Again, Martha, a companion of his epitomizes this in a quote: "And his name is The Doctor. He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked. But I've seen him, I know him... I love him... And I know what he can do."
While there's some really sad episodes, even those episodes bring hope. He visits historic figures and literary figures, throwing in tales of monsters, witches and other supernatural elements, but deep down there's so much deeper meaning. I know this may all sound silly because it's about a tv show, but honestly this show really has made me love it because of the meaning and symbols in it. When I'm really feeling low, I just watch Doctor Who and the positive meaning and emotions it brings out can truly make me feel so much better. I can find a quote from almost every episode that I LOVE. This blog is only scraping the surface, and yet I felt the need to write it because, well it really makes me feel much more positive about everything.
I'm going to list some other quotes from the show that I absolutely adore:
"You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible: that maybe you survive."- 9th Doctor from The End of the World
"One may tolerate a world full of demons for the sake of an angel"- 10th Doctor from The Girl in the Fireplace
"He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe. And... he's wonderful."- Tim Latimer from The Family of Blood
"When you're a kid, they tell you it's all 'grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it.' But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better."- Elton from Love and Monsters
"What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind.... you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry."- Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"Have you ever run away from something because you were scared, or not ready, or just... just because you could?"-Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"You can't go back and change time, you mourn or you live"-from The Vampires of Venice
"It seems to me there is so much more to the world than the average eye is allowed to see. I believe if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of. It's colour! Colour that holds the key! I can hear the colours, listen to them. Every time I step outside, I feel nature is shouting at me. Come on! Come and get me! Come on! Capture my mystery!"- Vincent Van Gogh from Vincent and the Doctor
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."- 11th Doctor from Vincent and the Doctor
"That's okay; we're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. 'Cos it was, you know. It was the best....And the times we had. Woulda had. Never had. In your dreams they'll still be there. The Doctor and Amy Pond. And the days that never came."- 11th Doctor from The Big Bang
I don't know what else to say. I just felt an honest need to share why I love Doctor Who so much, and to put out there how upbeat it makes me feel. :D So that's it really.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You
Okay, so I feel an update is in order and a happy one at that! :D I feel like I've been far too in between lately, not really happy but not really sad. However, today I can't keep a smile off my face. Even the worst things that have happened today haven't broken my smile. Why, one may ask? A girl named Beck. Rebecca, but she goes by Beck.
Anyway, Beck was my date and the date was amazing. I have never had ANYONE treat me as she had. She literally followed the definitions of chivalry. I'm usually the one doing everything she did for me, for others. It was a nice change. She held doors for me, made sure I was in front of her and ordered first. She kissed my forehead. She called me beautiful. She just treated me better than anyone I've ever been with has. She was respectful and just amazing. The night before our date we had spoken on the phone for 6 hours! The date...well, let's say we opted to see a movie to spend more time together. I haven't been able to stop smiling since.
She's apparently got a plan for our second date too, but she won't tell me. All I know is she said she's going to take me there. Where there is, is a surprise to me. To me that's just thrilling. I have never had someone want to please me so much, and also someone tel me how happy I make them. I mean, I apparently make her smile and blush in a way no one else has, or so she says. She makes me feel loved, confident and just wonderful. I am happier than I've been in a long time thanks to Beck. I really needed something and I'm glad I found her now when I did.
She's also doing nanowrimo FOR ME! She didn't know what it was and has never written anything but poetry and yet here she is writing a mystery for nanowrimo just so she can write with me. I'm tickled. I mean, I can only hope I'm doing just as much for her as she's doing for me because she is absolutely amazing.
It's funny how life works sometimes. When your at your worst, well, it seems that sometimes luck or fate is on your side. I mean, when your at your worst things can always be worst and trying to have a positive outlook helps. It certainly helped me. As bad as I have been feeling, that positive outlook seems to have led me to Beck. I can only hope I don't screw this up. She makes me feel happier than I have in a long time, and I really needed it even if that sounds selfish. I'm glad she came into my life when she did and I'm glad she seems to really appreciate me.
Ironic fact: Beck was supposed to do Camp Sunshine in July. She didn't end up going because she got sick, 10 days before she was scheduled to volunteer and you can't be sick up to 2 weeks before camp since a lot of the kids have compromised immune systems. I was absolutely shocked and yet glad to hear she had planned to do it too.
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough, but I figured I'd share a bit of happiness here. Oh, also, nanowrimo is going well so far. I don't want to jinx myself, but so far I'm really liking my nano and I've been staying ahead. :D
:D
Anyway, Beck was my date and the date was amazing. I have never had ANYONE treat me as she had. She literally followed the definitions of chivalry. I'm usually the one doing everything she did for me, for others. It was a nice change. She held doors for me, made sure I was in front of her and ordered first. She kissed my forehead. She called me beautiful. She just treated me better than anyone I've ever been with has. She was respectful and just amazing. The night before our date we had spoken on the phone for 6 hours! The date...well, let's say we opted to see a movie to spend more time together. I haven't been able to stop smiling since.
She's apparently got a plan for our second date too, but she won't tell me. All I know is she said she's going to take me there. Where there is, is a surprise to me. To me that's just thrilling. I have never had someone want to please me so much, and also someone tel me how happy I make them. I mean, I apparently make her smile and blush in a way no one else has, or so she says. She makes me feel loved, confident and just wonderful. I am happier than I've been in a long time thanks to Beck. I really needed something and I'm glad I found her now when I did.
She's also doing nanowrimo FOR ME! She didn't know what it was and has never written anything but poetry and yet here she is writing a mystery for nanowrimo just so she can write with me. I'm tickled. I mean, I can only hope I'm doing just as much for her as she's doing for me because she is absolutely amazing.
It's funny how life works sometimes. When your at your worst, well, it seems that sometimes luck or fate is on your side. I mean, when your at your worst things can always be worst and trying to have a positive outlook helps. It certainly helped me. As bad as I have been feeling, that positive outlook seems to have led me to Beck. I can only hope I don't screw this up. She makes me feel happier than I have in a long time, and I really needed it even if that sounds selfish. I'm glad she came into my life when she did and I'm glad she seems to really appreciate me.
Ironic fact: Beck was supposed to do Camp Sunshine in July. She didn't end up going because she got sick, 10 days before she was scheduled to volunteer and you can't be sick up to 2 weeks before camp since a lot of the kids have compromised immune systems. I was absolutely shocked and yet glad to hear she had planned to do it too.
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough, but I figured I'd share a bit of happiness here. Oh, also, nanowrimo is going well so far. I don't want to jinx myself, but so far I'm really liking my nano and I've been staying ahead. :D
:D
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Just Let This Go
Okay, so here we go.
Promises. Promises are strange things and for me they build the relationship I have with someone. I will keep MY promises as long as someone keeps THEIRS. If you break my trust, ESPECIALLY when you KNOW I have trust issues, you should NOT expect me to keep my promises. Sorry, but it's only fair. If you make me promises and then go back on them, hurt me, break them, and break my trust then I WILL NOT keep my own promises to you, sorry it doesn't work that way. Trust is a two way street. When on way is broken, the other is too. So, really don't think you're guilting me or making me feel bad. YOU did it to yourself and you ruined much more in the process.So please, don't expect sympathy from me. I'm sorry you ruined that for yourself. Maybe I'm not a heartless bitch and a part of me still cares, otherwise I probably wouldn't even be typing this and making it known how I feel, but I'm sick and tired of lying and pretending. I tried and you ruined things more and more for yourself. Many promises have been broken and really, you should know just how important promises and trust is to me.
Anyway, now that that's out of the way time for an update. So, it's nanowrimo! Yay! I was so excited for nanowrimo to start. I love the chaos and the stress of trying to write 50,000 words in a chaotic month. Already it's becoming stressful as I have so much schoolwork on top of it, but staying ahead is helpful. I hit 3000 words on the first day and now I'm nearly at 6000 and counting. Plus tomorrow I have nothing planned until my 5pm class and so I'll be doing a lot of writing. I totally changed my plan. My plan was to write a character of mine, Azrael's story. However, I didn't have enough muse and so instead I'm reworking a story I began to post on my blog earlier, probably last Feb. or so called Two Worlds Collide. The entire story is changed because I cut out one character, added three new ones. Everything is different. The only thing that's the same is the general plot. Otherwise I have reworked the entire story.
My first night of nanowrimo was amazing. Kamali had been at my house all weekend and we spent the night counting down as we watched Doctor Who with lots of snacks and drinks. Then we began writing at midnight, and were up until about 4am working on our nano. I'm excited to have a bunch of writing buddies, at least a handful. It makes it more fun to do it with others and have them pushing you along. I also think that Kamali and I will be working in a few write ins which also help. I'm super excited for nano this month.
I also have some other news. Particularly, I have a date tomorrow. I'm going to dinner with a girl. I'm excited. We've been texting nonstop and she is adorably sweet. I wake up to a good morning text from her every single day. She actually decided to participate in nanowrimo because she heard me talking about it and wanted to do it with me. She's sweet and while I'm super nervous I'm also excited to get out and actually go on a physical date. Plus, this girl and I share so many morals and views. She has the same views on family and she values school as much as I do. She also goes to the same university I'll be transferring into, though i'll be doing my classes off the main campus since they offer them at the one five minutes away from me.
Anyway, I think that's it for the update. I'm not sure when I'll write again since I'll be busy with nanowrimo and all, but we shall see.
Promises. Promises are strange things and for me they build the relationship I have with someone. I will keep MY promises as long as someone keeps THEIRS. If you break my trust, ESPECIALLY when you KNOW I have trust issues, you should NOT expect me to keep my promises. Sorry, but it's only fair. If you make me promises and then go back on them, hurt me, break them, and break my trust then I WILL NOT keep my own promises to you, sorry it doesn't work that way. Trust is a two way street. When on way is broken, the other is too. So, really don't think you're guilting me or making me feel bad. YOU did it to yourself and you ruined much more in the process.So please, don't expect sympathy from me. I'm sorry you ruined that for yourself. Maybe I'm not a heartless bitch and a part of me still cares, otherwise I probably wouldn't even be typing this and making it known how I feel, but I'm sick and tired of lying and pretending. I tried and you ruined things more and more for yourself. Many promises have been broken and really, you should know just how important promises and trust is to me.
Anyway, now that that's out of the way time for an update. So, it's nanowrimo! Yay! I was so excited for nanowrimo to start. I love the chaos and the stress of trying to write 50,000 words in a chaotic month. Already it's becoming stressful as I have so much schoolwork on top of it, but staying ahead is helpful. I hit 3000 words on the first day and now I'm nearly at 6000 and counting. Plus tomorrow I have nothing planned until my 5pm class and so I'll be doing a lot of writing. I totally changed my plan. My plan was to write a character of mine, Azrael's story. However, I didn't have enough muse and so instead I'm reworking a story I began to post on my blog earlier, probably last Feb. or so called Two Worlds Collide. The entire story is changed because I cut out one character, added three new ones. Everything is different. The only thing that's the same is the general plot. Otherwise I have reworked the entire story.
My first night of nanowrimo was amazing. Kamali had been at my house all weekend and we spent the night counting down as we watched Doctor Who with lots of snacks and drinks. Then we began writing at midnight, and were up until about 4am working on our nano. I'm excited to have a bunch of writing buddies, at least a handful. It makes it more fun to do it with others and have them pushing you along. I also think that Kamali and I will be working in a few write ins which also help. I'm super excited for nano this month.
I also have some other news. Particularly, I have a date tomorrow. I'm going to dinner with a girl. I'm excited. We've been texting nonstop and she is adorably sweet. I wake up to a good morning text from her every single day. She actually decided to participate in nanowrimo because she heard me talking about it and wanted to do it with me. She's sweet and while I'm super nervous I'm also excited to get out and actually go on a physical date. Plus, this girl and I share so many morals and views. She has the same views on family and she values school as much as I do. She also goes to the same university I'll be transferring into, though i'll be doing my classes off the main campus since they offer them at the one five minutes away from me.
Anyway, I think that's it for the update. I'm not sure when I'll write again since I'll be busy with nanowrimo and all, but we shall see.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Don't Mope...Invent
Okay, so this entry is just going to be a big blurb of a lot of thinking. So far my attempt to let things that I can't change go has gone okay. While it's easy to let go it doesn't make the pain go away or the effects go away. It seems my insomnia has been back in full force. I'm either up until 4-5 am or crashing from pure exhaustion randomly earlier in the night. I guess it can't really be helped, but at least I get a lot done when I can't sleep.
Anyway, I'm not writing to speak of my insomnia. I'm writing to actually blog about things today. Topics I decided to speak of, though I fear this entry may become very disconnected. Oh well, it happens sometimes I guess.
So, first off decisions. Decisions made can change everything. No one realizes it but a decision you make can influence everything around you. It can make or break your future, it can effect every single thing going on in your life, or sometimes it can have no effect at all. The fact is decisions can be however powerful or weak you make them out to be. My decision to change my major, for example, will effect my entire future. I will no longer be en route to becoming a lawyer, I'll be teaching now when I'm done school. It's a change, but I hardly think it'll be a bad one. After all if I hadn't made this decision I would have been en route to a life that I realized was not for me, for dreams that I realized were not my own. Hopes that I realized were for others. My hopes and dreams revolve around writing and helping others, things as an English teacher I can easily achieve. I can continue to write my stories, meanwhile also working to teach kids the love I have and help them in their futures. That to me is a decision I have made right. Yet, in my own decision and decisions of others around me I have realized just how powerful and life altering decisions can be. They can make others happy and they can shatter them. It all depends on the situation and the person.
Let's see. Nanowrimo is close and I already changed my plan. The nephilim story I was writing awhile ago is being reworked and rewritten for nanowrimo. I didn't like one of the characters I created for it, she had no depth, and so with help from a new writing buddy I've decided to rework the whole novel for nanowrimo. It should be fun but also chaotic with the workload I have this semester. I can't wait though. I have so many new writing buddies both online and in person. Plus, Kamali and I plan to try and arrange some write-ins in our area. It'll be chaotic but I'll have quite a few people to push and push me.
Recently my friend Gus has gotten back in touch and we've been talking everyday. I never realized how much I had missed him until he came back. We're right back where we started as always happens and there's going to be no disappearing. Things have been explained and once we caught up we've mutually decided that if one of us seems to disappear on the other an e-mail will be sent or a phone call will be made. We're not going to lose touch again, which makes me happy. I really missed goofing off and just having Gus to keep me somewhat grounded with his bluntness. Plus, I've missed scheming with him. We've already decided it might be fun to do a collaborative story using my character Shane and his Blitz. We've spoken of it before but never actually decided to do it. So maybe we will once our schedules are a bit less hectic. I also convinced him to do nano with me, so he's another writing buddy I've added on this year. I can't wait.
Every good thing must come with bad it seems. When something bad happens there seems to always be good things to follow even if not immediately after. I'm working my ass off in school, I've had actual hang outs with two of my best friends to watch a show i've become obsessed with, I've been doing quite alright despite everything that had happened with my cousin and all the stress and bad that happened more recently. Despite it all I'm not letting myself fall into the hole I would have probably been in a year ago. Positive pioneering as Amy calls it. She's helping me to stick to my let go and move onto more important things theory, and i'm helping her to do the same. It's been working pretty well lately I think. Sure things still bother you, but trying to keep things going and think positively is a great help.
Let's see...what else, what else? Hmm.....Halloween is soon. Kamali and I got matching pirate costumes. I'm excited to wear them. I've haven't worn matching costumes with anyone since junior year when Jessi and I decided to be pink ladies together. I can't wait for the parties and fun of Halloween. The little girl I babysit on Wed. and Friday mornings is so excited to paint our nails, eat candy and watch halloween movies this week. I'm excited too. She makes me happy, as all kids seem to do. Even at the lowest point a simple snuggle or smile from a child seems to always help.
I don't really know what else to say. Since my last entry my life has just been full of school stress, work and Doctor Who. Literally that's it. I've been reading and writing papers out my ass, I've watched all of the 11th doctors episodes of Doctor Who and will be starting on the 10th (yes backwards I know) and I've been working. That's been it really. My life is pretty boring.
I will leave everyone with a quote to think about, I think I may start doing that in every entry. So here's the first one:
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor, Doctor Who (of course)
Anyway, I'm not writing to speak of my insomnia. I'm writing to actually blog about things today. Topics I decided to speak of, though I fear this entry may become very disconnected. Oh well, it happens sometimes I guess.
So, first off decisions. Decisions made can change everything. No one realizes it but a decision you make can influence everything around you. It can make or break your future, it can effect every single thing going on in your life, or sometimes it can have no effect at all. The fact is decisions can be however powerful or weak you make them out to be. My decision to change my major, for example, will effect my entire future. I will no longer be en route to becoming a lawyer, I'll be teaching now when I'm done school. It's a change, but I hardly think it'll be a bad one. After all if I hadn't made this decision I would have been en route to a life that I realized was not for me, for dreams that I realized were not my own. Hopes that I realized were for others. My hopes and dreams revolve around writing and helping others, things as an English teacher I can easily achieve. I can continue to write my stories, meanwhile also working to teach kids the love I have and help them in their futures. That to me is a decision I have made right. Yet, in my own decision and decisions of others around me I have realized just how powerful and life altering decisions can be. They can make others happy and they can shatter them. It all depends on the situation and the person.
Let's see. Nanowrimo is close and I already changed my plan. The nephilim story I was writing awhile ago is being reworked and rewritten for nanowrimo. I didn't like one of the characters I created for it, she had no depth, and so with help from a new writing buddy I've decided to rework the whole novel for nanowrimo. It should be fun but also chaotic with the workload I have this semester. I can't wait though. I have so many new writing buddies both online and in person. Plus, Kamali and I plan to try and arrange some write-ins in our area. It'll be chaotic but I'll have quite a few people to push and push me.
Recently my friend Gus has gotten back in touch and we've been talking everyday. I never realized how much I had missed him until he came back. We're right back where we started as always happens and there's going to be no disappearing. Things have been explained and once we caught up we've mutually decided that if one of us seems to disappear on the other an e-mail will be sent or a phone call will be made. We're not going to lose touch again, which makes me happy. I really missed goofing off and just having Gus to keep me somewhat grounded with his bluntness. Plus, I've missed scheming with him. We've already decided it might be fun to do a collaborative story using my character Shane and his Blitz. We've spoken of it before but never actually decided to do it. So maybe we will once our schedules are a bit less hectic. I also convinced him to do nano with me, so he's another writing buddy I've added on this year. I can't wait.
Every good thing must come with bad it seems. When something bad happens there seems to always be good things to follow even if not immediately after. I'm working my ass off in school, I've had actual hang outs with two of my best friends to watch a show i've become obsessed with, I've been doing quite alright despite everything that had happened with my cousin and all the stress and bad that happened more recently. Despite it all I'm not letting myself fall into the hole I would have probably been in a year ago. Positive pioneering as Amy calls it. She's helping me to stick to my let go and move onto more important things theory, and i'm helping her to do the same. It's been working pretty well lately I think. Sure things still bother you, but trying to keep things going and think positively is a great help.
Let's see...what else, what else? Hmm.....Halloween is soon. Kamali and I got matching pirate costumes. I'm excited to wear them. I've haven't worn matching costumes with anyone since junior year when Jessi and I decided to be pink ladies together. I can't wait for the parties and fun of Halloween. The little girl I babysit on Wed. and Friday mornings is so excited to paint our nails, eat candy and watch halloween movies this week. I'm excited too. She makes me happy, as all kids seem to do. Even at the lowest point a simple snuggle or smile from a child seems to always help.
I don't really know what else to say. Since my last entry my life has just been full of school stress, work and Doctor Who. Literally that's it. I've been reading and writing papers out my ass, I've watched all of the 11th doctors episodes of Doctor Who and will be starting on the 10th (yes backwards I know) and I've been working. That's been it really. My life is pretty boring.
I will leave everyone with a quote to think about, I think I may start doing that in every entry. So here's the first one:
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor, Doctor Who (of course)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
F.R.O.G.S.
Okay...this title might sound a bit odd, but if I explain you'll get it. I'm feeling very inspired tonight. Maybe it was the episode of Doctor Who I just watched, maybe it's just everything that has been going on lately, but despite minor annoyances I'm starting to try to accept things as they come and accept those that want me around and deal with everything that comes my way. Maybe I'm growing up a bit more. I don't know. All I know is that there's been a lot on my mind and a lot going on recently.
First off, I never realized even after camp just how much something life threatening could change things, change a family. I mean who does? Unless your family goes something so serious and almost loses someone so close, you don't think about it. I also never thought it'd get closer to me than the kids at camp. Then about two weeks ago I came home from class to my mom's tears. I at first thought something happened to my brother. His car was the only one not there, he was the only one not home. She told she had something to tell me and my heart dropped. My brother was fine, at least physically. Emotionally, well, my whole family was a mess. What news we had wasn't less severe but it wasn't my immediate family. It was still horrible though. My 11 year old cousin, Tara, had been rushed to the hospital and then flown to a hospital 3 hours away. They thought she had a brain tumor. She had been having hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and throwing up. They didn't know how to diagnose her. To make a long story short the next day after lots of tests they found out she had a RARE brain parasite. They also told my aunt and uncle they could lose her. It sounds and even then sounded like an episode of House. It didn't seem real and yet it was. However, prayers worked and she miraculously responded to treatments and now she's home and will go back to school soon. She even jokes and calls the now dead parasite, Bob.
So, it opened my eyes. I mean here I could have lost a cousin, one I'm decently close to at that. My baby cousin could have died. She could have lost her life. Yet, she fought it and she came out of it. If she can do that, why should I sit and let people get to me so easily. Sure, people are still going to bother me, but hey I need to worry more about appreciating those I have and those who appreciate me. I need to worry less about the negatives and more about the positives. I mean, this could have ended in a complete and utter disaster and left my whole family in misery and yet the impossible happened. She bit insane odds and survived where a majority did not. That to me is a miracle and if that can happen, well then I guess in a way anything realistic can happen.
I just feel like I learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye, so you should appreciate what you have. No one knows what's going to happen. We're all here on borrowed time. We can be here one day and gone the next. That's reality as scary as it is. We can be healthy one day and deathly ill the next. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Our whole lives are one big change. We're here, and yet things change for us everyday. We get one day older. We get taller, smaller, bigger, smarter, stronger, weaker, happier, sadder...and the list goes on. We change, and those around us change. Everything that happens is one big step toward a larger picture. It's insane when you think about it, yet it just is. No one can change it. We just have to live life to the fullest and embrace it.
I don't really know what else I want to say. I had a lot of inspiration and ideas for this, but they seem to have flown out the window now. I do, however, think this is a more positive entry and I'm going to try to write more when I'm happy. I mean, no one can be happy all the time and I know I'm not, but I'm really going to try to keep my focus on the positive things in my life and weed out the negatives or at lest put less focus on that. It's a new goal I have.
Oh and the title of my entry is an acronym a girl from camp taught me. Fully Rely On God. It was something she used as she was fighting her cancer and something I shared with my cousin to keep her fighting. I think in a way everything that happened with my cousin these past two weeks has renewed my faith. I mean, it's crazy but I guess these things do that to people.
First off, I never realized even after camp just how much something life threatening could change things, change a family. I mean who does? Unless your family goes something so serious and almost loses someone so close, you don't think about it. I also never thought it'd get closer to me than the kids at camp. Then about two weeks ago I came home from class to my mom's tears. I at first thought something happened to my brother. His car was the only one not there, he was the only one not home. She told she had something to tell me and my heart dropped. My brother was fine, at least physically. Emotionally, well, my whole family was a mess. What news we had wasn't less severe but it wasn't my immediate family. It was still horrible though. My 11 year old cousin, Tara, had been rushed to the hospital and then flown to a hospital 3 hours away. They thought she had a brain tumor. She had been having hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and throwing up. They didn't know how to diagnose her. To make a long story short the next day after lots of tests they found out she had a RARE brain parasite. They also told my aunt and uncle they could lose her. It sounds and even then sounded like an episode of House. It didn't seem real and yet it was. However, prayers worked and she miraculously responded to treatments and now she's home and will go back to school soon. She even jokes and calls the now dead parasite, Bob.
So, it opened my eyes. I mean here I could have lost a cousin, one I'm decently close to at that. My baby cousin could have died. She could have lost her life. Yet, she fought it and she came out of it. If she can do that, why should I sit and let people get to me so easily. Sure, people are still going to bother me, but hey I need to worry more about appreciating those I have and those who appreciate me. I need to worry less about the negatives and more about the positives. I mean, this could have ended in a complete and utter disaster and left my whole family in misery and yet the impossible happened. She bit insane odds and survived where a majority did not. That to me is a miracle and if that can happen, well then I guess in a way anything realistic can happen.
I just feel like I learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye, so you should appreciate what you have. No one knows what's going to happen. We're all here on borrowed time. We can be here one day and gone the next. That's reality as scary as it is. We can be healthy one day and deathly ill the next. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Our whole lives are one big change. We're here, and yet things change for us everyday. We get one day older. We get taller, smaller, bigger, smarter, stronger, weaker, happier, sadder...and the list goes on. We change, and those around us change. Everything that happens is one big step toward a larger picture. It's insane when you think about it, yet it just is. No one can change it. We just have to live life to the fullest and embrace it.
I don't really know what else I want to say. I had a lot of inspiration and ideas for this, but they seem to have flown out the window now. I do, however, think this is a more positive entry and I'm going to try to write more when I'm happy. I mean, no one can be happy all the time and I know I'm not, but I'm really going to try to keep my focus on the positive things in my life and weed out the negatives or at lest put less focus on that. It's a new goal I have.
Oh and the title of my entry is an acronym a girl from camp taught me. Fully Rely On God. It was something she used as she was fighting her cancer and something I shared with my cousin to keep her fighting. I think in a way everything that happened with my cousin these past two weeks has renewed my faith. I mean, it's crazy but I guess these things do that to people.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I am Undiscovered
Okay, so with all the negativity, I decided to post a positive. I decided to give some credit and shout outs to some people who have really stuck out to me lately and helped me. Kamali and I had a long talk yesterday and it left me thinking and so I decided on a good entry I would do this. I apologize because this certainly isn't everyone and I don't have much time, but I'm going to do some positives. Some people in this might not even see this, but that doesn't matter.
First off EVERYONE at Camp Sunshine. I don't need to elaborate much because I already wrote a blog specifically about Camp Sunshine and it's impact on me. Everyone I met there has made my life so much better and I hope to see them again next year. It's my happy place and I cannot wait to return.
Then, well let me do this sort of chronologically now with four people I really want to talk about. I'm going to do it in the order I met them.
Amy: Okay, I've known you FOREVER. Since 7th grade, and you're actually probably the friend I've had the longest and whose been truest to me. You've been there for me a lot lately, always checking in and sitting and talking with me. You never judge me or have anything negative to say. You're attentive and you listen. Everything you do, you mean well and you help. You really have been a true friend, even if we had our differences back in high school. High school is when the drama occurs though and well I still learned that you were a true friend, unlike others I was closer to in high school. :D I thank you for that. I only hope I can do just as much for you.
Kamali: Of course Kamali is going to be on here. I don't want to ramble too much, because I could say a lot about her, but she probably knows every damn thing about me. We've stayed up until 5-6am sleeping over one another's houses just talking about life. She's one of the few people I feel I can truly talk to about anything and everything. She'll be blunt if I'm being stupid, and sometimes I need that. She doesn't take shit and I can keep going. She's been there and gone through some of the same issues with certain people I have. We have so much in common and I live for every time we hang out because I feel so alive and good. Wed. study days are my life right now because even if I'm doing schoolwork we're still together doing it.
Erin: My cupid. I met you through Kamali and originally just as an rp friend, but clearly you've become so much more than that. You became a best friend, and then somehow I fell in love. I called you cupid once I started having those feelings and it only blossomed from there. It's almost two months and I couldn't be happier. You make me smile when no one else can and you're there for me always. I only hope I'm there for you just as much. We didn't say I love you right away because we wanted to make sure we were ready and it really was meant. I'm glad for that because it really shows how serious and how much you care. You're not like anyone else I've been with and I never want to lose you. I know no matter what happens we'll always be in each other's lives. Winter break is going to be amazing. I cannot wait for you to come here and to show you certain places and things. I love you.
Last but certainly not least, Kelly: You are just amazing to me. You have been so supportive and loving. Our phone dates are something I look forward to so we can talk about important things and silly things. You know I'm always here for you and I know I can count on you for the same. I wish you lived closer so we could hug when we really want to, which seems to be a lot lately. You need to get a webcam besides your mic so we can REALLY skype-skype! You have made things so much better recently and I wouldn't trade any of our talks for the world. You just amaze me sometimes with how you handle things. Despite having clinical depression you do a REALLY amazing job at handling things when I've seen others go completely bonkers because of it. I love you and I appreciate everything you do. You're a true best friend, Kel-Bel! (totally wanted to say mate there, think all our HP talk and charries are getting to me? lolz).
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to run out to work anyway, so I don't have time to say more if I wanted to. I just wanted to write a positive little blurb about what I've appreciated lately after a talk with Kamali reminded me. :D So there's that.
First off EVERYONE at Camp Sunshine. I don't need to elaborate much because I already wrote a blog specifically about Camp Sunshine and it's impact on me. Everyone I met there has made my life so much better and I hope to see them again next year. It's my happy place and I cannot wait to return.
Then, well let me do this sort of chronologically now with four people I really want to talk about. I'm going to do it in the order I met them.
Amy: Okay, I've known you FOREVER. Since 7th grade, and you're actually probably the friend I've had the longest and whose been truest to me. You've been there for me a lot lately, always checking in and sitting and talking with me. You never judge me or have anything negative to say. You're attentive and you listen. Everything you do, you mean well and you help. You really have been a true friend, even if we had our differences back in high school. High school is when the drama occurs though and well I still learned that you were a true friend, unlike others I was closer to in high school. :D I thank you for that. I only hope I can do just as much for you.
Kamali: Of course Kamali is going to be on here. I don't want to ramble too much, because I could say a lot about her, but she probably knows every damn thing about me. We've stayed up until 5-6am sleeping over one another's houses just talking about life. She's one of the few people I feel I can truly talk to about anything and everything. She'll be blunt if I'm being stupid, and sometimes I need that. She doesn't take shit and I can keep going. She's been there and gone through some of the same issues with certain people I have. We have so much in common and I live for every time we hang out because I feel so alive and good. Wed. study days are my life right now because even if I'm doing schoolwork we're still together doing it.
Erin: My cupid. I met you through Kamali and originally just as an rp friend, but clearly you've become so much more than that. You became a best friend, and then somehow I fell in love. I called you cupid once I started having those feelings and it only blossomed from there. It's almost two months and I couldn't be happier. You make me smile when no one else can and you're there for me always. I only hope I'm there for you just as much. We didn't say I love you right away because we wanted to make sure we were ready and it really was meant. I'm glad for that because it really shows how serious and how much you care. You're not like anyone else I've been with and I never want to lose you. I know no matter what happens we'll always be in each other's lives. Winter break is going to be amazing. I cannot wait for you to come here and to show you certain places and things. I love you.
Last but certainly not least, Kelly: You are just amazing to me. You have been so supportive and loving. Our phone dates are something I look forward to so we can talk about important things and silly things. You know I'm always here for you and I know I can count on you for the same. I wish you lived closer so we could hug when we really want to, which seems to be a lot lately. You need to get a webcam besides your mic so we can REALLY skype-skype! You have made things so much better recently and I wouldn't trade any of our talks for the world. You just amaze me sometimes with how you handle things. Despite having clinical depression you do a REALLY amazing job at handling things when I've seen others go completely bonkers because of it. I love you and I appreciate everything you do. You're a true best friend, Kel-Bel! (totally wanted to say mate there, think all our HP talk and charries are getting to me? lolz).
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to run out to work anyway, so I don't have time to say more if I wanted to. I just wanted to write a positive little blurb about what I've appreciated lately after a talk with Kamali reminded me. :D So there's that.
Monday, September 13, 2010
If this is what you think is honest
Okay, so I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry if everything came across wrong. I was upset and I've been upset along time about all of what I said. It's been bothering me despite promises nothing was changing. It did and it has. I still love you and I still feel as I always have, but it's really hard to believe the same when it hasn't been shown for awhile now. Yes, I feel replaced, yes I feel unneeded, yes I feel paranoid and I have for a long time. I've had so many freak outs and breakdowns because of that. i just don't understand how someone can be called a best friend, and yet you don't talk to them and don't even try. To me a best friend has been someone that's always there, that can be relied upon and you can count on. However, I can't give that to someone if they don't let me. You let me in the past. Talking 24/7, it being completely weird and freaky when we didn't. Yet, suddenly it seemed none of that mattered. One person did, and whenever that person didn't talk to you, it was all over facebook. I'm not jealous, I'm just saying this only fueled my feelings of replacement and why I don't understand how I can be a best friend, when outwardly it seems almost like you don't care. Maybe it's wrong to say that, but we went from 24/7 talking to awkwardness and weirdness. I had always been there, you and I used to talk like there was no tomorrow until we fell asleep on one or the other. We used to be able to talk about everything, without awkwardness. Now it seems everytime we've spoken there's been just that, awkwardness. I don't want that. I want my sissy back. I want the girl who has been my best friend. I want to talk like we used to. However, it just seems like everytime I've tried I've been brushed off or something has been different. So, in my paranoia I decided I wasn't talking to anyone unless they talked to me first, because well this would show who truly wanted me around. Yet, who wasn't talking to me then? Yes, when we talked of it I said I'd try not to do that, but for me it doesn't always work when my mind is freaking out still. I'm sorry if this sounds wrong, but I just felt a need to explain why I've been upset and why it hurts so much. Maybe this ramble isn't doing a good job. I don't know. All I know is I've been feeling like crap and like I've been losing you for a long time now, despite promises. Promises that now seem like maybe they weren't happening because I don't feel like we were both trying. It could be my fault too, paranoia and hurt causing me to push back, but this is how I've been feeling. It hurts too, because I feel like there's no trying to fix it when that's all I want. I've cried because all I want is my sister back. This sucks, it really does. But if things are going to keep going this way, I don't want to hurt anymore because of this feeling of uselessness, unneededness, hurtfulness and anxiety over it, so if it keeps going this way maybe it is better. I know you say it sucks, well we can fix it, but I can't fix it alone. I needed time to cool off, I got off msn and did schoolwork and worked on a post. I was on all yesterday. I'm still here, but that doesn't matter if we don't talk and both try. I know what I want, but do you know what you do? I can't tell anymore. I'm not trying to be mean. I love you, I do. I've just been really hurt and this is the correlation of everything I've been feeling so long, but with the awkwardness I've been afraid to talk to you about it. I've been afraid I'd set you off or make you feel worse. That isn't my intention. My intention is to simply explain to you how I've been feeling. Why I said what I did the other night. I don't want to change my mind, I don't want to lose you, but sometimes I feel like it's already lost. I mean, how can we go from 24/7 talking to not talking? How does it work that way? I'm sorry, i love you, i do. I miss you too, but I don't know what to do here. Neither of us can fix this alone, and so if you want to fix it, I'll be here, if not, well I guess I'm letting go. It won't change how I feel and I'll always be here a call, im or text away, but I can't keep doing this. If we don't fix it I can't continuously go in this cycle and feel this way. Maybe it is me, maybe I just fuck up every friendship I have after a certain length of time if something goes wrong, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I would have fought to keep this from happening. I just couldn't do much alone. I don't even know if this makes any sense. All I know is I had to write this, because I've been depressed since our little "conversation" and I haven't known what to do. above all, I love you and that's why this hurts so much. I don't want to, nor do I like fighting with you and really I just want this fixed. I want nothing to change between us and I want things normal again. I'm just afraid. Afraid of how you'll take this now that I'm finally putting it out here and afraid of what happens next. I just wasn't sure what to do and this, well, was an option. I've been too afraid to say all this to you and upset you. I always put others first and so I've held this all in for so long, but I can't anymore. So, here's this. I hope you know I love you more than anything, to infinity and beyond. You're still my sissy and woody and always will be, but what happens next depends on what you want. I know what I do and I've said it countless times already. I love you, and I'll be here.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
You'll Be In My Heart
Okay, so this is going to be a happy and inspired blog. I am very uplifted and inspired at the moment by the kids I met this past week. I went into camp not knowing what to expect and now I'm home and my heart feels like it has wings. I mean that most literally too. Camp Sunshine is the most uplifting and amazing experience I have ever had in my life. I want to go back again and again and again. I want to go back for the people, for the experience, for the kids, for everything. The experience has really made an impact on me and I'm certain I will be one of the volunteers that goes every year of my life.
Now, maybe I should explain what Camp Sunshine is before I go much further. Camp Sunshine is a camp for families who have a child with a critical illness. The illnesses range from cancer to fanconi's anemia. They range from sessions of off treatment to sessions where children still have their ports in for chemotherapy. It's a very diverse camp and it's not just for the children, it's for the whole family. During the week each age group has their own counselors and activities, including the adults. Of course, the adults have much more free time and must be available if their children need them. The age groups are as follows: Nursey (0-2 years), Tot Lot (3-5 years), 6-8 year olds, 9-12 year olds, teens and adults. Each group has their own set of volunteers/counselors and their own schedule of activities. Activities include arts&crafts, swimming, paddle boating, kayaking, playground activities, volleyball (including a game called nuke 'em), air hockey, bon fires etc.
Now, I think I explained that enough. I was initially given a position in the nursery when I got my paperwork to become a volunteer. They do a background check and then send back an acceptance letter with paperwork to fill out. Once I arrived at the campus of the camp, and walked through the middle sized door and into the reception area, I was given a packet and my assignment was changed. I was now with the 9-12 year olds. I didn't really know what to think. I mean, I had expected to be in the nursery. Just the same I smiled and felt my excitement building. I mean come on I had wanted to volunteer at this camp for 2 years now and finally I was there. I put on my yellow volunteer shirt and wandered the campus with my friend Jessi until volunteer orientation began at 11am. At first it seemed overwhelming. A jam packed schedule filled with activities for every age group, but I learned it wasn't so overwhelming once it began.
The first night was easy. I met the other 9-12 year old counselors, we went over the rules and we sat together for lunch sharing our nerves and excitement. Each of us was assigned a family to sit with at dinner, to give them a warm welcome and a friendly smiling face to sit with. After lunch my group of counselors went to greet families at the family living center, to help them move into their rooms. Those rooms would be their home for the next few days, just as our rooms were ours. We helped families move in, greeting them with smiles and lending them a helping hand. After that it was dinner. My family was from the Bronx (in NY if you didn't know that.) They had one child, a little boy of 8, Giancarlos and he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. That was my first sign that this would be amazing. After dinner we had a huge bon fire, however I ended up playing freeze tag on the playground with many children from the camp. The official first day was not until the following morning.
The mornings at camp began early with breakfast from 8-9am. I was up by 7 every morning, usually I'm not a morning person but god did I want to wake up at camp everyday regardless of how early it was. The first day wasn't as overwhelming as the schedule made it seem. We met up in the 9-12 year old room, which housed air hockey tables, pool tables, a wii and other games for the kids to play until we were ready to leave. Immediately I saw a little girl standing alone. I approached her and low and behold she was from Forked River, NJ just 20 minutes from me and her grandmother lives in Toms River. I was amazed and we began a game of air hockey as she talked my ear off. She immediately grew attached, as did I. The first day was filled with initiation games, volleyball, nuke 'em, and meals. Then we had a talent show, followed by a masquarade dance. It was amazing to see the kids so happy and enjoying themselves. The next day proved just as busy, as did the rest of the week and yet it never felt that way. Saturday night the 9-12 year old group had a sleep out. We stayed outside with our campers in yurts. Yurts are similar to cabins but instead of wood they're made of canvas. My yurt contained: Meri (another counselor), me, Dawn, Eva, Anna, Linnea, Athena, Ashley and Jewelia (until her parents picked her up at around 11.)We had a big bon fire complete with camp fire songs, a movie in the gazebo outside, along with many games and stories. When we went to our yurt we played telephone and whispered until the girls went to sleep. Athena had never had a smore or slept in a sleeping bag until that day. It was a fun night. The days at camp seemed to fly by as if they had wings we could not stop if we wanted them too. The last night included a celebration show in which each age group performed. The volunteers also performed. A bunch of us did something called the oompa band,which is hard to explain but was amazingly fun. At the end of the show they played a slideshow with pictures from the week and then they called all the volunteers up and we "sang" "That's What Friends Are For" to the campers. I put sang in quotes because for the most part we listened, held onto one another and cried. I especially cried when Dawn, one of my girls, came running up and broke into the line to hug my waist. It was the end and it was a bittersweet moment. Some families would be leaving that night after show, while others would leave after breakfast the next day.
Now, I guess this is the time to tell you about the kids I met at this camp that made it such an amazing experience. I can give you a list of names, but I must say I will only talk about a few of them. My group of 9-12 year olds included: Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Eva, Jewelia, Mason, Kevin, Cassandra, Maddie, Peter, Nicholas, Drew, and many others. I can easily tell you about Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Jewelia and Drew. They were the kids I spent most of my time with.
Dawn is the little girl I met the first day from Forked River. She was 8 1/2 and had the sweetest disposition. She chose to move up to 9-12 year olds from the 6-8 year olds. She was also glad she did. She stuck by me the whole week, clutching my hand and telling me stories. She was the sick one of her family, telling me how when she lost her hair it had been long and wavy but when it grew back it was super curly. She had a smile that could light up the room. Dawn got me to take her out on a paddleboat in the lake, something I had never done before. She is probably the child I catered to most and got closest to the whole week. Athena is greek and she is the only child in her family. I believe she's 11, and she has the longest and most gorgeous hair I have ever seen. She didn't talk much about her illness, but she taught me to play chess and shared a love for angels and greek mythology with me. She even read the Percy Jackson books. Linnea and Anna are sisters, they also had 2 other younger sisters. Anna is 11 and she was the sick one, Linnea is 10. Anna didn't say much of her illness, only that she is from Philadelphia and she went to the Children's hospital there. I spent time making friendship bracelets with Anna and playing Jenga while everyone else went to the challenge course. Linnea received many piggy back rides. Both girls are upbeat and happy. I had a blast with them.
Jewelia is another amazing kid. She's 11, and has been in remission since she was 7. She lost 1/2 of one of her kidneys because of her cancer. She's shy but also very lovable. She never said much but she would always give a heart warming smile. I was there to see her cry when she was told she couldn't do something because she lacked 1/2 of a kidney. Jewelia is determined not to let anything stop her from doing what the other children can do. Her brother Mason is very close to her. He turned 10 while we were at camp. I didn't know I made much of an impact on Jewelia because of her shyness but on the last night of camp she came over and made a point to get a hug and say goodbye to me. Then there's Drew. He was one of our smallest campers. He's 9, but he's the size of a 6 or 7 year old. I know he was the one in his family that was sick, but I'm not quite sure how sick since he didn't say much. He's super smart though, always spitting out bits of information. He also had a love for frogs, always wanting to go down to the pond to look for them. He's also quite lovable. He gave many hugs and was always standing behind me just waiting for a piggy back ride. He made all the girls put their phone numbers in his autograph book, quite the ladies' man even at 9. The last volunteer meeting we had, he came into the room and gave all 70+ volunteers a hug.
Oh, I'll also tell you about Molly since she was probably one of the kids who amazed me the most, even if I didn't get very close to her. She's also probably the child who was sickest in my group. My session was off treatment, so all were in remission, but that doesn't mean they're cured or in the clear. Molly was a clear example of that. Molly is in remission but she still has some complications from everything she went through. She has nerve damage in one of her legs and can't feel anything from the knee down. She needs help getting her pants on and other things because of it. She also bears MANY scars on her legs and because of it often wears long socks that go up to her knee. I complimented her on them because many of them were amazingly creative and colorful. She's the oldest of 6 kids with a 7th on the way. Yet, despite all of this she was always willing to help the others. She taught the younger girls how to make bows and flowers out of colored duct tape at our sleep out on Saturday night. She doesn't let anything limit her and it was nice to see her playing volleyball, nuke 'em and doing everything that the other kids could do. Yes, maybe she limped but no one cared. Everyone loved her just as much as the others.
These are the kids that made the entire trip worthwhile. Camp Sunshine was the highlight of my summer and probably will be again next summer. I can't miss it. I have to go every year. Seeing these children being so happy and enjoying the life they could have lost has really really made an impact on me. They weren't kids with cancer or kids who had cancer, they were just kids. Nothing limited them, nothing defined them. They were just themselves and that is something I can't forget. To me it was an inspiration and an uplifting experience. The reward of it all was definitely worth while. The trip was long, but it was amazing. I would do it every day if I could or lived closer to the camp. For now I'll just have to settle with a yearly visit. Seeing these kids really and truly made an impact. I can't begin to do justice to the feeling that I was left with thanks to these children. They have changed my life just as much as they say I have changed theirs. While our goal is to bring sunshine and a good time to the children at Camp Sunshine, I cannot help but think they do the same for us. The happiest moments of my summer, and even possibly my life were received this week at Camp Sunshine. I will never forget the experience and I will surely revisit again and again.
Now, maybe I should explain what Camp Sunshine is before I go much further. Camp Sunshine is a camp for families who have a child with a critical illness. The illnesses range from cancer to fanconi's anemia. They range from sessions of off treatment to sessions where children still have their ports in for chemotherapy. It's a very diverse camp and it's not just for the children, it's for the whole family. During the week each age group has their own counselors and activities, including the adults. Of course, the adults have much more free time and must be available if their children need them. The age groups are as follows: Nursey (0-2 years), Tot Lot (3-5 years), 6-8 year olds, 9-12 year olds, teens and adults. Each group has their own set of volunteers/counselors and their own schedule of activities. Activities include arts&crafts, swimming, paddle boating, kayaking, playground activities, volleyball (including a game called nuke 'em), air hockey, bon fires etc.
Now, I think I explained that enough. I was initially given a position in the nursery when I got my paperwork to become a volunteer. They do a background check and then send back an acceptance letter with paperwork to fill out. Once I arrived at the campus of the camp, and walked through the middle sized door and into the reception area, I was given a packet and my assignment was changed. I was now with the 9-12 year olds. I didn't really know what to think. I mean, I had expected to be in the nursery. Just the same I smiled and felt my excitement building. I mean come on I had wanted to volunteer at this camp for 2 years now and finally I was there. I put on my yellow volunteer shirt and wandered the campus with my friend Jessi until volunteer orientation began at 11am. At first it seemed overwhelming. A jam packed schedule filled with activities for every age group, but I learned it wasn't so overwhelming once it began.
The first night was easy. I met the other 9-12 year old counselors, we went over the rules and we sat together for lunch sharing our nerves and excitement. Each of us was assigned a family to sit with at dinner, to give them a warm welcome and a friendly smiling face to sit with. After lunch my group of counselors went to greet families at the family living center, to help them move into their rooms. Those rooms would be their home for the next few days, just as our rooms were ours. We helped families move in, greeting them with smiles and lending them a helping hand. After that it was dinner. My family was from the Bronx (in NY if you didn't know that.) They had one child, a little boy of 8, Giancarlos and he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. That was my first sign that this would be amazing. After dinner we had a huge bon fire, however I ended up playing freeze tag on the playground with many children from the camp. The official first day was not until the following morning.
The mornings at camp began early with breakfast from 8-9am. I was up by 7 every morning, usually I'm not a morning person but god did I want to wake up at camp everyday regardless of how early it was. The first day wasn't as overwhelming as the schedule made it seem. We met up in the 9-12 year old room, which housed air hockey tables, pool tables, a wii and other games for the kids to play until we were ready to leave. Immediately I saw a little girl standing alone. I approached her and low and behold she was from Forked River, NJ just 20 minutes from me and her grandmother lives in Toms River. I was amazed and we began a game of air hockey as she talked my ear off. She immediately grew attached, as did I. The first day was filled with initiation games, volleyball, nuke 'em, and meals. Then we had a talent show, followed by a masquarade dance. It was amazing to see the kids so happy and enjoying themselves. The next day proved just as busy, as did the rest of the week and yet it never felt that way. Saturday night the 9-12 year old group had a sleep out. We stayed outside with our campers in yurts. Yurts are similar to cabins but instead of wood they're made of canvas. My yurt contained: Meri (another counselor), me, Dawn, Eva, Anna, Linnea, Athena, Ashley and Jewelia (until her parents picked her up at around 11.)We had a big bon fire complete with camp fire songs, a movie in the gazebo outside, along with many games and stories. When we went to our yurt we played telephone and whispered until the girls went to sleep. Athena had never had a smore or slept in a sleeping bag until that day. It was a fun night. The days at camp seemed to fly by as if they had wings we could not stop if we wanted them too. The last night included a celebration show in which each age group performed. The volunteers also performed. A bunch of us did something called the oompa band,which is hard to explain but was amazingly fun. At the end of the show they played a slideshow with pictures from the week and then they called all the volunteers up and we "sang" "That's What Friends Are For" to the campers. I put sang in quotes because for the most part we listened, held onto one another and cried. I especially cried when Dawn, one of my girls, came running up and broke into the line to hug my waist. It was the end and it was a bittersweet moment. Some families would be leaving that night after show, while others would leave after breakfast the next day.
Now, I guess this is the time to tell you about the kids I met at this camp that made it such an amazing experience. I can give you a list of names, but I must say I will only talk about a few of them. My group of 9-12 year olds included: Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Eva, Jewelia, Mason, Kevin, Cassandra, Maddie, Peter, Nicholas, Drew, and many others. I can easily tell you about Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Jewelia and Drew. They were the kids I spent most of my time with.
Dawn is the little girl I met the first day from Forked River. She was 8 1/2 and had the sweetest disposition. She chose to move up to 9-12 year olds from the 6-8 year olds. She was also glad she did. She stuck by me the whole week, clutching my hand and telling me stories. She was the sick one of her family, telling me how when she lost her hair it had been long and wavy but when it grew back it was super curly. She had a smile that could light up the room. Dawn got me to take her out on a paddleboat in the lake, something I had never done before. She is probably the child I catered to most and got closest to the whole week. Athena is greek and she is the only child in her family. I believe she's 11, and she has the longest and most gorgeous hair I have ever seen. She didn't talk much about her illness, but she taught me to play chess and shared a love for angels and greek mythology with me. She even read the Percy Jackson books. Linnea and Anna are sisters, they also had 2 other younger sisters. Anna is 11 and she was the sick one, Linnea is 10. Anna didn't say much of her illness, only that she is from Philadelphia and she went to the Children's hospital there. I spent time making friendship bracelets with Anna and playing Jenga while everyone else went to the challenge course. Linnea received many piggy back rides. Both girls are upbeat and happy. I had a blast with them.
Jewelia is another amazing kid. She's 11, and has been in remission since she was 7. She lost 1/2 of one of her kidneys because of her cancer. She's shy but also very lovable. She never said much but she would always give a heart warming smile. I was there to see her cry when she was told she couldn't do something because she lacked 1/2 of a kidney. Jewelia is determined not to let anything stop her from doing what the other children can do. Her brother Mason is very close to her. He turned 10 while we were at camp. I didn't know I made much of an impact on Jewelia because of her shyness but on the last night of camp she came over and made a point to get a hug and say goodbye to me. Then there's Drew. He was one of our smallest campers. He's 9, but he's the size of a 6 or 7 year old. I know he was the one in his family that was sick, but I'm not quite sure how sick since he didn't say much. He's super smart though, always spitting out bits of information. He also had a love for frogs, always wanting to go down to the pond to look for them. He's also quite lovable. He gave many hugs and was always standing behind me just waiting for a piggy back ride. He made all the girls put their phone numbers in his autograph book, quite the ladies' man even at 9. The last volunteer meeting we had, he came into the room and gave all 70+ volunteers a hug.
Oh, I'll also tell you about Molly since she was probably one of the kids who amazed me the most, even if I didn't get very close to her. She's also probably the child who was sickest in my group. My session was off treatment, so all were in remission, but that doesn't mean they're cured or in the clear. Molly was a clear example of that. Molly is in remission but she still has some complications from everything she went through. She has nerve damage in one of her legs and can't feel anything from the knee down. She needs help getting her pants on and other things because of it. She also bears MANY scars on her legs and because of it often wears long socks that go up to her knee. I complimented her on them because many of them were amazingly creative and colorful. She's the oldest of 6 kids with a 7th on the way. Yet, despite all of this she was always willing to help the others. She taught the younger girls how to make bows and flowers out of colored duct tape at our sleep out on Saturday night. She doesn't let anything limit her and it was nice to see her playing volleyball, nuke 'em and doing everything that the other kids could do. Yes, maybe she limped but no one cared. Everyone loved her just as much as the others.
These are the kids that made the entire trip worthwhile. Camp Sunshine was the highlight of my summer and probably will be again next summer. I can't miss it. I have to go every year. Seeing these children being so happy and enjoying the life they could have lost has really really made an impact on me. They weren't kids with cancer or kids who had cancer, they were just kids. Nothing limited them, nothing defined them. They were just themselves and that is something I can't forget. To me it was an inspiration and an uplifting experience. The reward of it all was definitely worth while. The trip was long, but it was amazing. I would do it every day if I could or lived closer to the camp. For now I'll just have to settle with a yearly visit. Seeing these kids really and truly made an impact. I can't begin to do justice to the feeling that I was left with thanks to these children. They have changed my life just as much as they say I have changed theirs. While our goal is to bring sunshine and a good time to the children at Camp Sunshine, I cannot help but think they do the same for us. The happiest moments of my summer, and even possibly my life were received this week at Camp Sunshine. I will never forget the experience and I will surely revisit again and again.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You're Not Quite Satan
GAH I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! Sorry to anyone reading this, but I need to let off some steam and hurt. I don't know how long this will be, but i just need to get this out.
I HATE YOU! You want to forget me...go ahead. Am I really that forgettable and hateable? You apparently think so. I really regret that. I don't regret anything about it, but I DO regret that. I tried to be so nice, and yet apparently I wasn't nice enough. Apparently you want to forget me and you know what fucking do it, see if I care. You hurt me, and I'm done. I can't sit here and wallow in it. It really sucks that we were so close and your willing to just forget that and forget me. It hurts too. I mean, I get paranoid enough as it is that i'm an easily forgotten person and that no one needs me as much as I seem to need them, and yet here you are literally rubbing that in my face? Thanks for that. Really, THANKS. You know, a lot of wasted time on someone who just wants to forget me. I tried so hard to help you and you just sat and bitched and moaned. I still tried, even then.
You know, I had every right to say and act as I did that day. The day that supposedly hurt you so badly that you want to forget me. YOU said even worse things to me, and yet I would never want to forget you. Maybe at this very moment THAT would be easier because this anger and pain I feel because of those simple words, well they wouldn't be happening. The fact is, you said them and it hurts and I WON'T forget you. It fucking sucks, but it's a sad fact. I don't even know what else to say. I stand by what I said that day too, because you're still acting immature.
Anyway, I could keep going but it'd get repetitive and it isn't really dissipating my anger or hurt. So I think I'm just going to stop now.
I HATE YOU! You want to forget me...go ahead. Am I really that forgettable and hateable? You apparently think so. I really regret that. I don't regret anything about it, but I DO regret that. I tried to be so nice, and yet apparently I wasn't nice enough. Apparently you want to forget me and you know what fucking do it, see if I care. You hurt me, and I'm done. I can't sit here and wallow in it. It really sucks that we were so close and your willing to just forget that and forget me. It hurts too. I mean, I get paranoid enough as it is that i'm an easily forgotten person and that no one needs me as much as I seem to need them, and yet here you are literally rubbing that in my face? Thanks for that. Really, THANKS. You know, a lot of wasted time on someone who just wants to forget me. I tried so hard to help you and you just sat and bitched and moaned. I still tried, even then.
You know, I had every right to say and act as I did that day. The day that supposedly hurt you so badly that you want to forget me. YOU said even worse things to me, and yet I would never want to forget you. Maybe at this very moment THAT would be easier because this anger and pain I feel because of those simple words, well they wouldn't be happening. The fact is, you said them and it hurts and I WON'T forget you. It fucking sucks, but it's a sad fact. I don't even know what else to say. I stand by what I said that day too, because you're still acting immature.
Anyway, I could keep going but it'd get repetitive and it isn't really dissipating my anger or hurt. So I think I'm just going to stop now.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
so far away
So today has been pretty good but atm I just feel a need to say rawwwwrrrrrrrrrr! Yeah rawr. Letting out some anger and other emotuons I don't really feel like talking about. Anyway yeah. I just like have a lot on my mind and it seems my mood can be both good and bad at the same time sometimes.like I can be good and yet also feel negative emotions. Yeah it sounds crazy. Anyway I finished a chapter of my new story today and then I went to a phillies game with my family and jill. We got pat's famous philly cheesesteaks on the way and they were bangin. Then we went to the game and they WONNNNNNN! They won 9 to 3 and my favorite player got a few hits. Now we're in the car on the way home and sitting in stadium traffic and I decided to blog. Again I just have to say rawwwrrrr.
So now we're sitting here and I'm thinking about what's to come. Next week I go away to boston, salem and the maine for camp. I'm excited but also nervous. It's going to be fun and yet sad since the kids are sick. I'm in the nursery and so my child's age group is 0 to 2 and that worries me a bit. Though that age group is easy to please and usually fun. Then after that I have a week until classes start. While I'm excited about classes I'm also nervous. I have four english classes this semester. I have american lit 1, history of grammar,american lit 2, and then the class I'm most excited for shakespeare 1. So I'm excited and yet nervous, especially w. Nano thrown in. 4 englishes and nano is gonna be fun and yet a lot of work. I think I can do it, but still.
Then there's another good thing I'm thinking about. in talking to erin today we have discovered that it's very very likely that erin is going to be coming to visit over winterbreak. I look forward to that. On top of that it'll be about 6 months for us when she visits as long as everything keeps going well :) I can't wait.
There's other things on my mind, mostly bad but I don't feel like going into them since my blogs have been far too negative and I also don't feel like typing much more on my phone. So that's it for this update.
So now we're sitting here and I'm thinking about what's to come. Next week I go away to boston, salem and the maine for camp. I'm excited but also nervous. It's going to be fun and yet sad since the kids are sick. I'm in the nursery and so my child's age group is 0 to 2 and that worries me a bit. Though that age group is easy to please and usually fun. Then after that I have a week until classes start. While I'm excited about classes I'm also nervous. I have four english classes this semester. I have american lit 1, history of grammar,american lit 2, and then the class I'm most excited for shakespeare 1. So I'm excited and yet nervous, especially w. Nano thrown in. 4 englishes and nano is gonna be fun and yet a lot of work. I think I can do it, but still.
Then there's another good thing I'm thinking about. in talking to erin today we have discovered that it's very very likely that erin is going to be coming to visit over winterbreak. I look forward to that. On top of that it'll be about 6 months for us when she visits as long as everything keeps going well :) I can't wait.
There's other things on my mind, mostly bad but I don't feel like going into them since my blogs have been far too negative and I also don't feel like typing much more on my phone. So that's it for this update.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Why do you have to make me feel small?
So...despite being in a good mood yesterday today I'm angry. Very angry about oh so many things and it's definitely putting a damper on my mood. So many things and some I'm just not even going to talk about here. I'm also going to add stuff from yesterday at the end of this to make it a not so total rant. If you don't like rants then don't read or even try keeping up with my blog. It seems it's rare for me to blog when I don't need to do it to get off some steam. I'm sure there will be times, but it seems rare so far.
Anyway onto the entry. You...I hate you. I REALLY do and I don't hate anyone typically, but you, you've managed to earn that status with your lies, deceit and continued lies. When people say their done and YOU say your done with someone, don't you understand that's it? Not to mention wtf kinda lie did you tell your mother to make her hate someone that had nothing to do with the situation and who despite it all has STILL been trying to be your friend when she has every right to hate you! What is wrong with you? Also, how the fuck is it that when I'm done with you, you still manage to snake your way into my life and continue to make me more paranoid and just hateful of others who i suspect are like you? Really now, how do you manage that? I HATE YOU and wish you'd DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Why don't you? Okay, I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I want you out of my life and yet you keep coming back and are still managing to make me feel like everyone is going to turn out like you at times. What's up with that? It must just be me, but I like to think it's you. I hate you.
Then I'm still having a hard time grappling with how things got fucked up. I mean you go from best friends to enemies. Sisters to enemies. How the hell does that happen? I have trust issues, you know this....you break it and then try to act as if nothing is wrong? WHAT THE HELL? I'm also angry at myself. How do I let this happen to me? How many times is it going to happen? I can almost name more than one occasion now and it fucking sucks. Like what is it with me? Do I have something written on my forehead going "FUCK WITH ME I'M AN EASY TARGET" or something? I mean sometimes it feels that way. It makes me doubt everyone and feel like...I don't know I'll never be important enough to anyone. Like I'll always be the person there but never really counted on or counted in, easily discarded when I'm not needed. Yeah, it sucks but I can't help but feel that way sometimes. I pin a lot of it on my paranoia, but sometimes I can't help but feel it's true because if it wasn't how the hell would this keep happening? How is it that I have very few friends I can count on at this point and even sometimes I doubt them...are they lying? Are they going to drop me? Am I really important to them or are they just saying it to appease me? How many times can I expect them to answer the same questions and to sit there and stick with me? I don't know any of the answers and yet these thoughts surface constantly. Maybe it isn't my paranoia and i'm just insecure. I don't know. All I know is so often I feel replaceable and sometimes I feel replaced. Pathetic huh? Yeah, maybe I am being pathetic. I don't know what else to say though. It's like a constant nagging and it gets worse sometimes, especially when I'm angry at what I am today and when things like this crop up.
My mom didn't really help the other day either. We were talking about my cousin's wedding and she pretty much made a comment about how I was probably only asked because my uncle made a big deal about his daughter being asked and since I'm the only other girl cousin she had to ask me too. How can I trust that's not true? She sits and tells me that she's excited I'm in it and she wants to see me more, but how do I know that's true? I mean we were close, but then my other cousin said they both hated me...how do I know that's not the real truth? How do I know what's true? Besides, this same cousin tends to talk to me when she needs advice or something from me and then go long periods of time without talking to me at all. So how do I trust this? It's like I can't do a thing without having doubts about anyone and it really sucks.
Anyway, I'm just going to end this part. I have so much more I could say but this is turning into way too long of a rant and I don't even want to touch on the other subjects because really it's just making my mood worse. So maybe if I touch on some happier things I'll feel better. I don't know. So, let's see yesterday I worked all day and so you'd think it would have been a bad day but really it wasn't. I got to talk to a co-worker who goes to school in Boston about things Jessi&I can do in the few days that we'll be in Boston and Salem before camp starts. So that was good. Then Jill came over and we went shopping because I wanted another pair of shorts to bring to camp with me, at least one more pair. I ended up buying two cute dresses I loved, one of which was only $1 since the sale was buy one get one for $1. Then I went home and got to talk to Erin for awhile, which was nice since we haven't gotten to talk other than texting for almost a week because she's been at her sister's babysitting her nephew. So that was good. Then I just kind of talked to people and finished character sheets for a new story idea I had. So it really wasn't a spectacular day but it was pretty good. Now, tomorrow after work my cousin is picking me up with her fiancee to take me to Baltimore with them. We're staying ina sheraton...don't ask me how they have the money for that, and then Saturday we're going for my dress fitting and hanging out in inner harbor. I'm hoping we can go to the aquarium so I can see the dolphins because well that would make my day. I love dolphins and so seeing dolphins would be amazing. If not, well I can settle for visiting the 4-5 story Barnes&Noble there and just the beauty of inner harbor. So we'll see, but I'll be in Baltimore tomorrow night and Saturday. I come home Saturday night and then babysit Gigi all day Sunday with Jill. Gigi can always make me smile because I love my little goddaughter. So yeah....that's it for now I guess.
Anyway onto the entry. You...I hate you. I REALLY do and I don't hate anyone typically, but you, you've managed to earn that status with your lies, deceit and continued lies. When people say their done and YOU say your done with someone, don't you understand that's it? Not to mention wtf kinda lie did you tell your mother to make her hate someone that had nothing to do with the situation and who despite it all has STILL been trying to be your friend when she has every right to hate you! What is wrong with you? Also, how the fuck is it that when I'm done with you, you still manage to snake your way into my life and continue to make me more paranoid and just hateful of others who i suspect are like you? Really now, how do you manage that? I HATE YOU and wish you'd DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Why don't you? Okay, I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I want you out of my life and yet you keep coming back and are still managing to make me feel like everyone is going to turn out like you at times. What's up with that? It must just be me, but I like to think it's you. I hate you.
Then I'm still having a hard time grappling with how things got fucked up. I mean you go from best friends to enemies. Sisters to enemies. How the hell does that happen? I have trust issues, you know this....you break it and then try to act as if nothing is wrong? WHAT THE HELL? I'm also angry at myself. How do I let this happen to me? How many times is it going to happen? I can almost name more than one occasion now and it fucking sucks. Like what is it with me? Do I have something written on my forehead going "FUCK WITH ME I'M AN EASY TARGET" or something? I mean sometimes it feels that way. It makes me doubt everyone and feel like...I don't know I'll never be important enough to anyone. Like I'll always be the person there but never really counted on or counted in, easily discarded when I'm not needed. Yeah, it sucks but I can't help but feel that way sometimes. I pin a lot of it on my paranoia, but sometimes I can't help but feel it's true because if it wasn't how the hell would this keep happening? How is it that I have very few friends I can count on at this point and even sometimes I doubt them...are they lying? Are they going to drop me? Am I really important to them or are they just saying it to appease me? How many times can I expect them to answer the same questions and to sit there and stick with me? I don't know any of the answers and yet these thoughts surface constantly. Maybe it isn't my paranoia and i'm just insecure. I don't know. All I know is so often I feel replaceable and sometimes I feel replaced. Pathetic huh? Yeah, maybe I am being pathetic. I don't know what else to say though. It's like a constant nagging and it gets worse sometimes, especially when I'm angry at what I am today and when things like this crop up.
My mom didn't really help the other day either. We were talking about my cousin's wedding and she pretty much made a comment about how I was probably only asked because my uncle made a big deal about his daughter being asked and since I'm the only other girl cousin she had to ask me too. How can I trust that's not true? She sits and tells me that she's excited I'm in it and she wants to see me more, but how do I know that's true? I mean we were close, but then my other cousin said they both hated me...how do I know that's not the real truth? How do I know what's true? Besides, this same cousin tends to talk to me when she needs advice or something from me and then go long periods of time without talking to me at all. So how do I trust this? It's like I can't do a thing without having doubts about anyone and it really sucks.
Anyway, I'm just going to end this part. I have so much more I could say but this is turning into way too long of a rant and I don't even want to touch on the other subjects because really it's just making my mood worse. So maybe if I touch on some happier things I'll feel better. I don't know. So, let's see yesterday I worked all day and so you'd think it would have been a bad day but really it wasn't. I got to talk to a co-worker who goes to school in Boston about things Jessi&I can do in the few days that we'll be in Boston and Salem before camp starts. So that was good. Then Jill came over and we went shopping because I wanted another pair of shorts to bring to camp with me, at least one more pair. I ended up buying two cute dresses I loved, one of which was only $1 since the sale was buy one get one for $1. Then I went home and got to talk to Erin for awhile, which was nice since we haven't gotten to talk other than texting for almost a week because she's been at her sister's babysitting her nephew. So that was good. Then I just kind of talked to people and finished character sheets for a new story idea I had. So it really wasn't a spectacular day but it was pretty good. Now, tomorrow after work my cousin is picking me up with her fiancee to take me to Baltimore with them. We're staying ina sheraton...don't ask me how they have the money for that, and then Saturday we're going for my dress fitting and hanging out in inner harbor. I'm hoping we can go to the aquarium so I can see the dolphins because well that would make my day. I love dolphins and so seeing dolphins would be amazing. If not, well I can settle for visiting the 4-5 story Barnes&Noble there and just the beauty of inner harbor. So we'll see, but I'll be in Baltimore tomorrow night and Saturday. I come home Saturday night and then babysit Gigi all day Sunday with Jill. Gigi can always make me smile because I love my little goddaughter. So yeah....that's it for now I guess.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Can You Feel It Now?
Yeah, so last night was bad.....for my paranoia and general mood. Of course, Erin made it better. She always does. Simply webchatting with her until 3:30 in the morning will always make it better it seems. Thank god. I hate how this blog has been about really negative ventations but it seems when I have a good day there's nothing particularly to blog. Oh well, I'll try to blog more on those days. I'll def. blog after my vacation.
Anyway, this is going to be fairly short and simple. Things are changing. Maybe it is my paranoia, but I can't help but feel that regardless of what is said they are and no one inside the situation can see it. Tell each other everything one minute, then say you shouldn't say anything or that you can't. Regardless of if it's everyone or that one person, how is that not change? Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe it's just peeking my paranoia majorly, but that upsets me and all I feel is that now I'm going to be walking on eggshells and I hate that. Anyway, that's not even the point. The point is regardless of it all, of course nothing is going to change on my end. Regardless of how I feel about anything, unless trust is involved, I can't change things. I just hate this feelings. It messes with me. It makes me paranoid and it depresses me. It really sucks. If it weren't for Erin last night, well I don't know how I would have calmed down. Thank god for her.
Anyway, once more as I said yesterday I'm just so frustrated with so much between work situations, home situations, and just in general. Stress and frustration. I don't want anything to change on top of that and yet a simple conversation once more is making me doubt. Then there's all these other thoughts running through my mind. If I don't talk to anyone will they try? Are things going to be awkward? What's going on with so and so? Am I going to be ditched? What about this, what about that? Like my mind is on speed and one simple thing tends to make me go into insane let me not stop thinking mode. If it doesn't stop today I'm just glad I'll be staying at Jill's so I don't have to sleep because I won't be able to anyway. Work is going to be hell because well, I just don't want to be there. Right now, I really don't want to be anywhere. I don't even mean that in a depressing way or how it sounds. I just mean I'd rather...well I don't know how to explain what I mean by that. I don't mean it the way it sounds though. I just don't know how exactly to explain it.
Maybe I should stop now. This isn't really helping and I can't even explain things properly. Besides, I have to get ready and go to work soon. On a plus not, Erin got her hair done and I can't wait to see the pictures. Jill and I are going swimming later and then I'm staying over her house for a Disney Movie night. That should make things better to a degree or at least I won't be sitting home overthinking everything as I have been all morning. That's a plus.
Anyway, this is going to be fairly short and simple. Things are changing. Maybe it is my paranoia, but I can't help but feel that regardless of what is said they are and no one inside the situation can see it. Tell each other everything one minute, then say you shouldn't say anything or that you can't. Regardless of if it's everyone or that one person, how is that not change? Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe it's just peeking my paranoia majorly, but that upsets me and all I feel is that now I'm going to be walking on eggshells and I hate that. Anyway, that's not even the point. The point is regardless of it all, of course nothing is going to change on my end. Regardless of how I feel about anything, unless trust is involved, I can't change things. I just hate this feelings. It messes with me. It makes me paranoid and it depresses me. It really sucks. If it weren't for Erin last night, well I don't know how I would have calmed down. Thank god for her.
Anyway, once more as I said yesterday I'm just so frustrated with so much between work situations, home situations, and just in general. Stress and frustration. I don't want anything to change on top of that and yet a simple conversation once more is making me doubt. Then there's all these other thoughts running through my mind. If I don't talk to anyone will they try? Are things going to be awkward? What's going on with so and so? Am I going to be ditched? What about this, what about that? Like my mind is on speed and one simple thing tends to make me go into insane let me not stop thinking mode. If it doesn't stop today I'm just glad I'll be staying at Jill's so I don't have to sleep because I won't be able to anyway. Work is going to be hell because well, I just don't want to be there. Right now, I really don't want to be anywhere. I don't even mean that in a depressing way or how it sounds. I just mean I'd rather...well I don't know how to explain what I mean by that. I don't mean it the way it sounds though. I just don't know how exactly to explain it.
Maybe I should stop now. This isn't really helping and I can't even explain things properly. Besides, I have to get ready and go to work soon. On a plus not, Erin got her hair done and I can't wait to see the pictures. Jill and I are going swimming later and then I'm staying over her house for a Disney Movie night. That should make things better to a degree or at least I won't be sitting home overthinking everything as I have been all morning. That's a plus.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Baffled King Composing Hallelujah
So I don't even really know what to say right now. I have so many conflicting emotions. Tension. Hate. Frustration. Happiness. Depression. So many emotions all at once. There's things I'm happy about, and then things frustrating and depressing me. There's a tension I feel but apparently the other people involved clearly don't notice or are too blind to see and it all just sucks. It sucks. I'm just glad that I have vacation in two weeks to look forward to. I'm so sick of bullshit at work, I'm so sick of being told what to do at home, and I'm just sick and tired of a lot of little stresses that are building. I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one making an effort in some situations or like if I don't try to keep up conversations or keep things going its tense or falters. I'm so sick of just so much and maybe at the moment I'm just so frustrated that I don't really mean any of this, but at the moment I'm sick of everything and everyone (almost, minus a few select people who should know who they are) and I don't want to deal with anyone, but I will because I can't be a bitch like that. Yeah, I probably really don't mean any of this I am just REALLY REALLY goddamn frustrated.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Ask Me Why I Smile?
Okay, so here's another poem. I don't really feel I'm good at poetry, but I've written two rather recently. Though this one is much happier and clearly it's for my Cupid.
Permanent smile plastered on my face when you're around
Why, you may ask?
You
You are the reason I smile
You are the reason I laugh
You are my Cupid and I your Aprhodite
You are warmth
You are comfort
You are a best friend
You are an angel
Most of all, you're mine
My smile
My laugh
My best friend
My lovey
My Cupid
You are the reason I smile
Permanent smile plastered on my face when you're around
Why, you may ask?
You
You are the reason I smile
You are the reason I laugh
You are my Cupid and I your Aprhodite
You are warmth
You are comfort
You are a best friend
You are an angel
Most of all, you're mine
My smile
My laugh
My best friend
My lovey
My Cupid
You are the reason I smile
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Come In With The Rain
I think it was Kelly who said Taylor Swift describes things so well. She does. Lately my moods have been mixed, good to bad, happy to depressed. Everything. I have good things going on, but other things that suck. My sissy wrote a blunt and honest blog, and I wish I could explain my feelings easily to her and what makes some of what she said hard for me, but it's not so easy apparently. I guess I'll try and then maybe just maybe I'll end this with some of the good going on. The bad seems to overshadow it at times lately and despite being happy to be with my Cupid, I'm actually rather depressed lately. I'm lucky I have Jill because she keeps me from dwelling there and being a complete hermit as I was the last times I felt this low. She makes me laugh and smile and makes sure I have fun even in my lowest times, which she doesn't even realize she's doing. She introduced me to Taylor Swift at the perfect time, even if sissy and others were planning to do so too. Taylor Swift's music seriously covers all bases, my happiness and sadness. My ups and my downs, in different songs. I can't believe how well she does and portraying those emotions and she's almost a year younger than me, if I'm not mistaken.
Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I'm struggling a lot lately. I miss friendships but yet once my trust is broken I'm not so willing to put out the effort to fix it. When I'm the one hurt and I'm the one who has their trust and feelings hurt most, even if others have too, I'm not really going to put an extra effort to be the one to make it right. I mean, when people know what they did, or should know what they did, why do I have to be the one to start things off on the path to fixing things? Maybe it's selfish and wrong to think that way, but I can't really help but feel that way. I just get so paranoid and when I don't have the trust in someone I can't easily just start an im or start talking like nothing is different. It's not that I won't talk to them, I'm not that stubborn, I just honestly can't be the one making that move. If you hurt me, and you want to fix it, you have to work at it. I'll work with you, but I can't be the one making the effort. Yeah, maybe it might sound wrong or selfish, though I don't see it that way and talking to Jill she doesn't seem to think it is either. She's dealt with a lot of my breakdowns in person and so she really knows how I've been feeling. I'm so grateful to her for it and if she wasn't around I'm not sure what the hell I'd be doing right now.
Not only am I struggling with this, but I'm constantly paranoid that I'm losing my best friend or being replaced. Yeah, I've been assured otherwise and have spoken of that in other blogs, but hey, it doesn't stop my mind from thinking it and from just shutting things down when I feel that way. I don't want that, as I've constantly said but sometimes it just seems like everything has converted to that fear. Like I've become so indifferent about everything else that all I do anymore is freak out about that. We talk about it, I'm reassured a lot, but it doesn't seem to stop the freak outs and upset. It doesn't. Plus, I've been paranoid about so much. I've been having sleeping issues again and not just because insomnia but I'm so paranoid about so much I can't sleep before 4-5am unless I CRASH and fall asleep talking to someone or doing something. I just can't seem to sleep right anymore. It sucks, but it's what I've become used to once more.
I hate this though, because I've been at this point before and it's when I was honestly in my worst depression about a year ago or so. I know it's not even always circumstances that cause depression but a chemical imbalance and I know I have chronic depression so it never goes away but it seems big episodes that can amount to more than chronic can occur and I don't want another one, and yet I'm afraid I'm slipping into one of them. Honestly, if I couldn't bring my computer into my bed with me, and if I didn't have to work, well there'd be many times recently where I wouldn't be on the computer or leaving my room. Which is where I was about a year ago. Maybe it's everything I was feeling then with the ex-best friend flaring up again, maybe it's everything else going on, maybe it's a combination, I don't know. All I know is even my parents seem to be noticing because they're constantly asking if I'm okay or something, though Jill does help and she makes them less worried I guess because she gets me out and doing things despite it all. Maybe she'll keep this from getting there. I hope so, because I don't want to be back at that point, especially because I didn't feel paranoid about losing my sissy as much as I do now and so she helped me a lot. I know she still can and nothing will change that, but I just think all this paranoia is going to make things ten times worse if I slip back there.
I don't really know what else to say without repeating myself of elaborating on things I'd rather not. I just hate all of this. So yeah, but now onto the happier end of things. Well, first Jill. Jill is my brother's girlfriend of six months and we hang out a lot when he's at work and I'm not. She moved here from NY, then moved to California, and is back here now. She doesn't really have many friends, and so I like hanging out with her, and her me. I mean she's over all the time anyway because she's here with Jimmy, but that's besides the point. The point is despite everything she's taking me out, hanging out with me, and making sure I laugh and smile even by the stupidest things. It's nice to have someone here in RL who can do that and is with me a lot. Sure, I have other RL friends who could, but their not here as much as Jill is.
Anyway, onto the next thing. Cupid. It's been a week and I know even if we don't work out as a relationship we're still going to be good friends. We discussed it. Both of us had been there and seen the alternatives and neither of us wanted it. We also don't think that could happen with us anyway unless one of us were to be a complete jerk. So, yes, Cupid/Erin is a good thing for me right now. I really am glad we talked and worked that out. It's nice. Though, our schedules don't seem to permit us to talk as much as we'd like, we do talk and we do plan to do all we can and even try to see each other winter break. So we'll see how that goes. All I know is she's special and she brings a smile to my face with just a thought of her.
Then, the last good thing on this blog is my cousin's wedding. My cousin Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding 2 days ago. Laura and I had been really close when I was younger, probably all my childhood until about high school when we had a bit of a rough patch. Anyway, I don't really need to go into all of that. All I want to say is she asked me to be in her wedding and her wedding is in DISNEY! DISNEY! I haven't been to Disney since I was 7 and now I get to go for a WEDDING. It's going to be amazing to be with my cousins, and family and in Disney. Plus, we're eating in CINDERELLA'S CASTLE after the wedding and it's just going to be a blast to spend my cousin's happiest day with her and to be going to Disney with her. She's coming up here the weekend before I go to camp to dress shop with me, and I'm excited. The dresses look gorgeous, her wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses, all of it. I can't wait to see her get married and to hang out in Disney with her and her little sisters who have grown up and now have become pretty close to me. It's really going to be awesome and I cannot wait. Plus, Laura told me we're also going to spend a day in Universal and at Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so of course I'm excited about that. Sure, it's a year away but that doesn't mean I can't be excited about that. :D
So yeah, this is insanely long and does have a lot of mixed emotions as I said it wuld. Sorry for all the depressing stuff but sometimes it just needs to come out. Anyway, I'm cutting this off now.
Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I'm struggling a lot lately. I miss friendships but yet once my trust is broken I'm not so willing to put out the effort to fix it. When I'm the one hurt and I'm the one who has their trust and feelings hurt most, even if others have too, I'm not really going to put an extra effort to be the one to make it right. I mean, when people know what they did, or should know what they did, why do I have to be the one to start things off on the path to fixing things? Maybe it's selfish and wrong to think that way, but I can't really help but feel that way. I just get so paranoid and when I don't have the trust in someone I can't easily just start an im or start talking like nothing is different. It's not that I won't talk to them, I'm not that stubborn, I just honestly can't be the one making that move. If you hurt me, and you want to fix it, you have to work at it. I'll work with you, but I can't be the one making the effort. Yeah, maybe it might sound wrong or selfish, though I don't see it that way and talking to Jill she doesn't seem to think it is either. She's dealt with a lot of my breakdowns in person and so she really knows how I've been feeling. I'm so grateful to her for it and if she wasn't around I'm not sure what the hell I'd be doing right now.
Not only am I struggling with this, but I'm constantly paranoid that I'm losing my best friend or being replaced. Yeah, I've been assured otherwise and have spoken of that in other blogs, but hey, it doesn't stop my mind from thinking it and from just shutting things down when I feel that way. I don't want that, as I've constantly said but sometimes it just seems like everything has converted to that fear. Like I've become so indifferent about everything else that all I do anymore is freak out about that. We talk about it, I'm reassured a lot, but it doesn't seem to stop the freak outs and upset. It doesn't. Plus, I've been paranoid about so much. I've been having sleeping issues again and not just because insomnia but I'm so paranoid about so much I can't sleep before 4-5am unless I CRASH and fall asleep talking to someone or doing something. I just can't seem to sleep right anymore. It sucks, but it's what I've become used to once more.
I hate this though, because I've been at this point before and it's when I was honestly in my worst depression about a year ago or so. I know it's not even always circumstances that cause depression but a chemical imbalance and I know I have chronic depression so it never goes away but it seems big episodes that can amount to more than chronic can occur and I don't want another one, and yet I'm afraid I'm slipping into one of them. Honestly, if I couldn't bring my computer into my bed with me, and if I didn't have to work, well there'd be many times recently where I wouldn't be on the computer or leaving my room. Which is where I was about a year ago. Maybe it's everything I was feeling then with the ex-best friend flaring up again, maybe it's everything else going on, maybe it's a combination, I don't know. All I know is even my parents seem to be noticing because they're constantly asking if I'm okay or something, though Jill does help and she makes them less worried I guess because she gets me out and doing things despite it all. Maybe she'll keep this from getting there. I hope so, because I don't want to be back at that point, especially because I didn't feel paranoid about losing my sissy as much as I do now and so she helped me a lot. I know she still can and nothing will change that, but I just think all this paranoia is going to make things ten times worse if I slip back there.
I don't really know what else to say without repeating myself of elaborating on things I'd rather not. I just hate all of this. So yeah, but now onto the happier end of things. Well, first Jill. Jill is my brother's girlfriend of six months and we hang out a lot when he's at work and I'm not. She moved here from NY, then moved to California, and is back here now. She doesn't really have many friends, and so I like hanging out with her, and her me. I mean she's over all the time anyway because she's here with Jimmy, but that's besides the point. The point is despite everything she's taking me out, hanging out with me, and making sure I laugh and smile even by the stupidest things. It's nice to have someone here in RL who can do that and is with me a lot. Sure, I have other RL friends who could, but their not here as much as Jill is.
Anyway, onto the next thing. Cupid. It's been a week and I know even if we don't work out as a relationship we're still going to be good friends. We discussed it. Both of us had been there and seen the alternatives and neither of us wanted it. We also don't think that could happen with us anyway unless one of us were to be a complete jerk. So, yes, Cupid/Erin is a good thing for me right now. I really am glad we talked and worked that out. It's nice. Though, our schedules don't seem to permit us to talk as much as we'd like, we do talk and we do plan to do all we can and even try to see each other winter break. So we'll see how that goes. All I know is she's special and she brings a smile to my face with just a thought of her.
Then, the last good thing on this blog is my cousin's wedding. My cousin Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding 2 days ago. Laura and I had been really close when I was younger, probably all my childhood until about high school when we had a bit of a rough patch. Anyway, I don't really need to go into all of that. All I want to say is she asked me to be in her wedding and her wedding is in DISNEY! DISNEY! I haven't been to Disney since I was 7 and now I get to go for a WEDDING. It's going to be amazing to be with my cousins, and family and in Disney. Plus, we're eating in CINDERELLA'S CASTLE after the wedding and it's just going to be a blast to spend my cousin's happiest day with her and to be going to Disney with her. She's coming up here the weekend before I go to camp to dress shop with me, and I'm excited. The dresses look gorgeous, her wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses, all of it. I can't wait to see her get married and to hang out in Disney with her and her little sisters who have grown up and now have become pretty close to me. It's really going to be awesome and I cannot wait. Plus, Laura told me we're also going to spend a day in Universal and at Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so of course I'm excited about that. Sure, it's a year away but that doesn't mean I can't be excited about that. :D
So yeah, this is insanely long and does have a lot of mixed emotions as I said it wuld. Sorry for all the depressing stuff but sometimes it just needs to come out. Anyway, I'm cutting this off now.
Monday, July 26, 2010
These Things Will Change
So, I woke up in a very contemplative mood. It had me thinking a lot about change. Some change is good and some not so good. I like change and yet I hate it. I know it sounds silly to say that, but it's true. I guess it depends on the type of change. I mean, some change is really good like getting new things, making new friends, getting closer to others, and just many other things I can't think of at the moment. There's also bad changes too. Depression, paranoia, losing someone whether to death or change, among other things. Why does change happen? That's something I've contemplated a lot today. Does it happen because it has to and it's an ongoing cycle? Does it happen because of people and things that influence our lives? Is it natural and normal? I don't know. I don't know these answers. I think any of them could be true at any given time.
I do not like the idea of people changing and drifting. Sure, I like it when people change for the better. I like when people make positive changes in their lives and when people make themselves happy. I like those types of changes. However, I hate changes that push people away or hurt others. Those are negative changes. I still don't know why they happen. I still don't know why people must lie, cheat, or anything else. How can best friends become enemies? How can best friends grow to lie and hate one another? I don't get it. Maybe it's just everything that happened with my ex-best friend, but I'm just really contemplating all this change that happens and wondering if it'll ever be stopped. Wondering if everyone will change? Wondering who will stick around and still be around when I'm much older. It seems so many friends I had in the past I barely talk to anymore.
There's a few friends I've known for awhile still around, but for the most part I have a very small number of friends and I cannot help but fear that they will change just as my ex-best friend did, and we will all drift apart. It seems almost common at this point and it shakes me up and scares me. I want people to stay in my life. I don't like changes that ruin friendships or cause people to drift. Does anyone? Does it always have to happen? Is it a part of life? Again, I don't have these answers. It's just been on my mind.
This blog isn't meant to be depressing or anything, it's just a whirlwind of thoughts that have been on my mind. I don't know if it makes sense. I know I say that a lot, but a lot of times things make sense in my head but then when I reread them they make no sense. I'm going to cut it off here though because I have work soonish and want to relax and try to stop contemplating all this before work. So, until next time, I'm out.
I do not like the idea of people changing and drifting. Sure, I like it when people change for the better. I like when people make positive changes in their lives and when people make themselves happy. I like those types of changes. However, I hate changes that push people away or hurt others. Those are negative changes. I still don't know why they happen. I still don't know why people must lie, cheat, or anything else. How can best friends become enemies? How can best friends grow to lie and hate one another? I don't get it. Maybe it's just everything that happened with my ex-best friend, but I'm just really contemplating all this change that happens and wondering if it'll ever be stopped. Wondering if everyone will change? Wondering who will stick around and still be around when I'm much older. It seems so many friends I had in the past I barely talk to anymore.
There's a few friends I've known for awhile still around, but for the most part I have a very small number of friends and I cannot help but fear that they will change just as my ex-best friend did, and we will all drift apart. It seems almost common at this point and it shakes me up and scares me. I want people to stay in my life. I don't like changes that ruin friendships or cause people to drift. Does anyone? Does it always have to happen? Is it a part of life? Again, I don't have these answers. It's just been on my mind.
This blog isn't meant to be depressing or anything, it's just a whirlwind of thoughts that have been on my mind. I don't know if it makes sense. I know I say that a lot, but a lot of times things make sense in my head but then when I reread them they make no sense. I'm going to cut it off here though because I have work soonish and want to relax and try to stop contemplating all this before work. So, until next time, I'm out.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Trust Cannot Be Rekindled
This is a poem I just contemplated and wrote and I know it probably sucks. I don't typically write poetry, but I couldn't get it out of my mind, so here it is. It's short and sweet and I wrote it before work this morning.
Trust dwindled
Cannot be rekindled.
Do you know what you did with those lies and deceit?
All of that can only teach hate.
A bond destroyed, tearing things apart.
All that leaves is a broken heart.
Salvation in the form of love.
Is a gift sent from above.
Trust dwindled
Cannot be rekindled.
Do you know what you did with those lies and deceit?
All of that can only teach hate.
A bond destroyed, tearing things apart.
All that leaves is a broken heart.
Salvation in the form of love.
Is a gift sent from above.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I Hate the Sound of Nothing
So, I have so many emotions swirling through me tonight. Good and bad. I've done nothing all day but sleep and read. Fun, right? I talked to Cupid a bit, and Emmy and Kel, but that's it really. Jill was in trouble so my plans were cancelled because Amy didn't want to go and Jill wasn't allowed. So I did nothing but finish The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which by the way is a good book. I have so many things swirling through my mind at the moment though, and I don't even know where to start.
First of all it amazes me to see how people change, even when they say they won't. I don't really feel lie explaining this because I don't want to get upset, but it truly amazes me. I also took a step toward maybe making the situation that has had my paranoia flaring up, better. I mean, I messaged the ex-best friend. I told her how I hated her lies, and that she made my paranoia and depression worse and that's why I stopped talking to her and would continue to stop talking to her. I hope it helps and I hope no one else has to deal with repercussions. I at least feel better getting it off my chest, I'm just afraid of how she'll react. I mean she already was acting like a bitter little bitch to Erin and Kamali because Erin was dating me. It's none of her business and she has no say in it. I'm not about to let her ruin something I've wanted or just in general. It's not her decision and I'm not going to let her guilt Erin or mess anything up. Neither is Erin.
Despite all this my paranoia is still flaring and I'm just pissed at the world. Yeah, sounds fun huh? People have been nasty at work all week. Plans have been ruined and generally I've been in a pissed at the world, paranoid about everyone mood today. Though, Kel helped and Emmy unknowingly helped. Plus of course, Erin did too just by talking and making plans to a degree. So that's nice. I'm very happy with Erin. I really like her and she was there for me at 5am yesterday when no one else was awake or there, and she helped me make the decision to finally message the ex-best friend. She always makes me smile in simple ways and always has. I wish that visits were more frequent or she could visit again this summer, but I understand money is tight. I just hope that Kamali and I can get there winter break as we talked about. That would be pretty damn amazing.
I'm happy in some ways and relaxed tonight. I had a relaxing night with a book and I talked to Erin and Kelbel and Emmy a bit. At the same time I'm pissed by many things. I'm pissed by selfishness, immaturity, rudeness, and just many other things. I just don't understand people, and so despite how calm I am after reading, I'm still pondering all this.
Yeah, so none of this is probably making any sense and so I'm just going to stop. Despite all of this, i'm in a pretty calm mood. Sure, i'm still thinking, but i'm really rather calm, surprisingly.
First of all it amazes me to see how people change, even when they say they won't. I don't really feel lie explaining this because I don't want to get upset, but it truly amazes me. I also took a step toward maybe making the situation that has had my paranoia flaring up, better. I mean, I messaged the ex-best friend. I told her how I hated her lies, and that she made my paranoia and depression worse and that's why I stopped talking to her and would continue to stop talking to her. I hope it helps and I hope no one else has to deal with repercussions. I at least feel better getting it off my chest, I'm just afraid of how she'll react. I mean she already was acting like a bitter little bitch to Erin and Kamali because Erin was dating me. It's none of her business and she has no say in it. I'm not about to let her ruin something I've wanted or just in general. It's not her decision and I'm not going to let her guilt Erin or mess anything up. Neither is Erin.
Despite all this my paranoia is still flaring and I'm just pissed at the world. Yeah, sounds fun huh? People have been nasty at work all week. Plans have been ruined and generally I've been in a pissed at the world, paranoid about everyone mood today. Though, Kel helped and Emmy unknowingly helped. Plus of course, Erin did too just by talking and making plans to a degree. So that's nice. I'm very happy with Erin. I really like her and she was there for me at 5am yesterday when no one else was awake or there, and she helped me make the decision to finally message the ex-best friend. She always makes me smile in simple ways and always has. I wish that visits were more frequent or she could visit again this summer, but I understand money is tight. I just hope that Kamali and I can get there winter break as we talked about. That would be pretty damn amazing.
I'm happy in some ways and relaxed tonight. I had a relaxing night with a book and I talked to Erin and Kelbel and Emmy a bit. At the same time I'm pissed by many things. I'm pissed by selfishness, immaturity, rudeness, and just many other things. I just don't understand people, and so despite how calm I am after reading, I'm still pondering all this.
Yeah, so none of this is probably making any sense and so I'm just going to stop. Despite all of this, i'm in a pretty calm mood. Sure, i'm still thinking, but i'm really rather calm, surprisingly.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I Hope It's Beautiful Like You
So I think it's high time I posted a happier entry, since one of my friends pointed out how with my last two blogs it's high time I feel a bit better and that I deserve something better. I think maybe luck was on my side for once. Why, you might ask? One name. Cupid. Yes, Cupid. I doubt I spoke of her in this blog at all, and so now I will. Cupid is my nickname for her, it started flirty and stuck in my brain. She never understood the flirtyness, but I'll call her Cupid in this blog.
Okay so Cupid and I met rping, one of my nerdy habits, and she knew Kamali and my ex-best friend. She actually dated the ex-best friend. Anyway, that's besides the point. We've known each other a year or so through rping and our friends. She lives in Indiana and me in New Jersey. Well, at the end of May she came to visit Kamali and I went and stayed over Kamali's and then we came back to my house to see my brother off to prom and hang out. While we were hanging out I really and truly felt close to her. Like I was crushing on her almost the moment I met her in RL and it wasn't just an RP friend, but I never said anything. Well, with all that's been going on she wanted to know and comfort me. Last night she told me that the day all this went down she was hypothetically going to talk to me about liking me and wanted to date. I figured out she was talking about me in a hypothetical situation and now I know. She's liked me the whole time too. Which is really, shocking because I never think that can happen to me, but here it has. So it's like despite all this heartache there's a light. I just don't want to rush into anything when I'm trying to get over everything else, but it's an amazing feeling knowing my feelings were returned and that she'll wait until I'm over everything for me. We discussed it and how we both know with US it won't effect our friendship no matter what and how we WANT to be an us. So I think it's good. I just wish I knew before I put my heart into the other situation and allowed myself to be hurt because it would make this so much easier. I'm happy though, glad to have Cupid and to know she makes me happy. I can't wait until I get off work and we can talk again. She makes me smile, through everything, and she isn't a rebound because I liked her before all this and will still like her after. I saw her, we cuddled, talked for hours, got called "laughing hyenas" for our delirious 5am conversation. It's just different and no matter what it wouldn't be rebounding. Besides I've never rebounded in my life, even after Ariel. I ended up with Sue, but that WASN'T rebounding at all. I liked her.
So I think for once maybe something is going my way. That despite how completely miserable and down in the dumps I've felt that this is a light and something good. Cupid and I must discuss things more in depth, but I do think that we both want an "us" which makes me smile. I mean, with all the hurt I've been experiencing I really am glad to feel happy about SOMETHING and have SOMETHING to make things better. Sure, it won't erase the hurt, it won't bring back a lost friendship, but it IS something to be happy about, look forward to, and it is a light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.
Okay so Cupid and I met rping, one of my nerdy habits, and she knew Kamali and my ex-best friend. She actually dated the ex-best friend. Anyway, that's besides the point. We've known each other a year or so through rping and our friends. She lives in Indiana and me in New Jersey. Well, at the end of May she came to visit Kamali and I went and stayed over Kamali's and then we came back to my house to see my brother off to prom and hang out. While we were hanging out I really and truly felt close to her. Like I was crushing on her almost the moment I met her in RL and it wasn't just an RP friend, but I never said anything. Well, with all that's been going on she wanted to know and comfort me. Last night she told me that the day all this went down she was hypothetically going to talk to me about liking me and wanted to date. I figured out she was talking about me in a hypothetical situation and now I know. She's liked me the whole time too. Which is really, shocking because I never think that can happen to me, but here it has. So it's like despite all this heartache there's a light. I just don't want to rush into anything when I'm trying to get over everything else, but it's an amazing feeling knowing my feelings were returned and that she'll wait until I'm over everything for me. We discussed it and how we both know with US it won't effect our friendship no matter what and how we WANT to be an us. So I think it's good. I just wish I knew before I put my heart into the other situation and allowed myself to be hurt because it would make this so much easier. I'm happy though, glad to have Cupid and to know she makes me happy. I can't wait until I get off work and we can talk again. She makes me smile, through everything, and she isn't a rebound because I liked her before all this and will still like her after. I saw her, we cuddled, talked for hours, got called "laughing hyenas" for our delirious 5am conversation. It's just different and no matter what it wouldn't be rebounding. Besides I've never rebounded in my life, even after Ariel. I ended up with Sue, but that WASN'T rebounding at all. I liked her.
So I think for once maybe something is going my way. That despite how completely miserable and down in the dumps I've felt that this is a light and something good. Cupid and I must discuss things more in depth, but I do think that we both want an "us" which makes me smile. I mean, with all the hurt I've been experiencing I really am glad to feel happy about SOMETHING and have SOMETHING to make things better. Sure, it won't erase the hurt, it won't bring back a lost friendship, but it IS something to be happy about, look forward to, and it is a light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
You Might Find Who You're Supposed To Be
Yeah, I blogged last night. Yes, this is going to be another rant, so if you don't like it I suggest you stop reading now. I apologize in advance, I just am really struggling with a lot right now even if people are telling me "Oh, you're better than this" and "Oh, you deserve better than what is being done." It's just too much at once. That's all. Too much at once on top of my paranoia.
I don't know how to be vague about any of this. All I can say is if anything what hurt before hurts worse now. Waking up to everything hurts worse now. Things feel fake, tense and I don't like it. Tension and walking on eggshells sucks and I feel like that's all I'm doing. All I'm doing is waiting for the last spark, the last thing to happen to set everything off and change everything.Yeah, I'm told it won't, but there's already feelings I never had, hurt I never had against one factor in this entire thing, surfacing. How are things not going to change with that? Yeah, I keep saying I'd rather be the hurt one but it sucks being the hurt one too. It sucks when I WANT to go to work just to get away from, well two people I held closest to me. One I'm determined to keep close and the same (though even now some of the situation seems stressed), the other I can't even talk to. The fact is, I'm trying to heal myself so maybe everything can be normal and I'm STILL getting hurt. I'm still feeling miserable and like shit and guess what one person that usually helps me ISN'T right now and that makes it all hurt worse. I feel like there's no caring there. Maybe not everyone reacts like me, but even knowing that it all still hurts like a bitch.
To make all this worse today is already starting as a horrible day. My phone refuses to charge. It's been on the charger ALL NIGHT and won't even charge. So that's godawful and I'm pissed and annoyed. I'll be going to the verizon store after work to try to correct that. I just hope it lasts until then so I can at least let Jill know when I'm picking her up. I'm so grateful for Jill at the moment. She was with me when I was most upset, and still managed to get me smiling and make me feel better. That's certainly a good thing.I'm also grateful that she decided to plan a sleepover and movie night with me tonight. I'm just very hateful of a lot of people right now, even some I wouldn't expect to be having feelings of hated towards. I really hate feeling like this. Last night's blog. This one. None of them are like my usual self and yet it's the me I've been growing accustomed to in the last few days. I don't see it changing because well I don't want to ruin others happy just because I'm miserable. I can't and won't do that. Complaining is one thing but it won't go beyond that. There's nothing I can do anyway.
I don't know how to be vague about any of this. All I can say is if anything what hurt before hurts worse now. Waking up to everything hurts worse now. Things feel fake, tense and I don't like it. Tension and walking on eggshells sucks and I feel like that's all I'm doing. All I'm doing is waiting for the last spark, the last thing to happen to set everything off and change everything.Yeah, I'm told it won't, but there's already feelings I never had, hurt I never had against one factor in this entire thing, surfacing. How are things not going to change with that? Yeah, I keep saying I'd rather be the hurt one but it sucks being the hurt one too. It sucks when I WANT to go to work just to get away from, well two people I held closest to me. One I'm determined to keep close and the same (though even now some of the situation seems stressed), the other I can't even talk to. The fact is, I'm trying to heal myself so maybe everything can be normal and I'm STILL getting hurt. I'm still feeling miserable and like shit and guess what one person that usually helps me ISN'T right now and that makes it all hurt worse. I feel like there's no caring there. Maybe not everyone reacts like me, but even knowing that it all still hurts like a bitch.
To make all this worse today is already starting as a horrible day. My phone refuses to charge. It's been on the charger ALL NIGHT and won't even charge. So that's godawful and I'm pissed and annoyed. I'll be going to the verizon store after work to try to correct that. I just hope it lasts until then so I can at least let Jill know when I'm picking her up. I'm so grateful for Jill at the moment. She was with me when I was most upset, and still managed to get me smiling and make me feel better. That's certainly a good thing.I'm also grateful that she decided to plan a sleepover and movie night with me tonight. I'm just very hateful of a lot of people right now, even some I wouldn't expect to be having feelings of hated towards. I really hate feeling like this. Last night's blog. This one. None of them are like my usual self and yet it's the me I've been growing accustomed to in the last few days. I don't see it changing because well I don't want to ruin others happy just because I'm miserable. I can't and won't do that. Complaining is one thing but it won't go beyond that. There's nothing I can do anyway.
Friday, July 16, 2010
You Might Think I'm Bulletproof But I'm Not
So, I don't know what to say to describe anything right now without saying things out or anger, upset and hurt that I'd later regret. I was going to make a private entry but I don't know if there's that option anymore. I couldn't find it. So I don't really know what to say other than I really wish I could find a way to make everything normal again. That's all I want, but it seems it's not going to be so easy. So many people think I'm crazy for even wanting that after everything. I never wanted anyone to get hurt and in a way I'm glad it's me. I'd rather see myself hurting than anyone else. Yeah, so people may think I'm just saying that, but I'm not. I was prepared to be the one hurt, and yeah it hurts and sucks but hey I'm used to it. Nothing goes my way at times and well, i'm used to dealing with people lying to me. Sure, it sucks, but it's my fault. I take things the wrong way and I believe people easily. Sure, there's people that deserve my trust and I know who they are, but apparently there's people I come to hang on every word of that I shouldn't. There's some things I can believe and others I can't. That's the way I think it will always be. Sometimes I wish I could just not hang on every word people say, but if I did that even the people who deserve that trust would be out and that would be a very lonely road. I don't want that. I don't. It just sucks that things that make others happy are making me so sad.
I've been told I'm better than this, but am I really? Am I, because I don't see it. All I see is myself repeating the same mistakes, believing certain phrases people say when they can't be trusted and rescind it all later, even the same day or talk behind my back. Maybe it's just all this shit with ex-best friend, maybe it's just my paranoia, but sometimes I don't know what to trust. People who know that really should be more careful around me, but their not and now here I am hurting all over again. I HATE THIS. I really and truly do. Why claim you mean everything, tell me these HUGE HUGE things and then two hours later rescind it when I explicitly told you NOT TO say that unless you meant it. Now, as much as I want normalcy it's starting to seem hard. I think about stopping the hiding act, but all that I think when I think of ims and talking are horrible words, mean words, anger....and so I guess I'm either not ready to talk or I won't ever be able to have things return to normal and that just sucks. I've been here before and it really sucks. It's even making me doubt those I can trust for more than just one reason and my typical paranoia. I hate this. I think this is all I can say for now without saying things I don't mean and while staying vague.I don't know how to fix things and make them normal, not now and I don't know what's going to happen. Usually I'm the optimist and it sucks because right now all I'm thinking is pessimistic thoughts and just wishes that I think a lot of people would kill me if they knew.
I'm jsut so afraid that things like this are going to continue happening. Do I have a big label on my face that says "Hey i'm gullible and once you gain my trust I'll believe anything you say?" I mean, why else would things like this keep happening? Why else would people keep lying to me? Sometimes I just really don't know who to trust, even if I have one person, my sissy, who I fully trust sometimes lately I even doubt her because of EVERYTHING and it sucks. I mean I still have this feeling, and fear, despite everything in my last entry that I'm going to lose her because why would things work so well for me in that sense? It's scary to me...but it's something I can't help. I can't help that feeling. I'm glad she understands my paranoia and is always here to reassure me, but it's constant. The littlest things will make me fear it. The littlest things will make me think there'll be someone she'll start telling more to and then eventually get closer to and forget me. Little things set off a huge paranoia, especially with her because of the fact that I keep being lied to by everyone it seems. I mean, my ex-best friend once was called my sister and I talked to her everyday and SAW her twice a week at times and look what happened there? So with that looming over me and now everything else that's exploded as I've been dealing with that, sometimes it really is hard to trust that everything is going to stay the same, but so far even when others have betrayed me, been annoyed by me, hurt me, or lied she has been there. I hope my fears never come true, but I can't ever stop them. I'm just glad she understands and is always willing to reassure me and not just about this, but everything. Sometimes, I really don't know where I'd be without her. It makes me want to cry and freak out just thinking about it.
I think I'm going to end this here though. I don't know what else to say while still being vague so as not to hurt anyone. Sure, some might say if I'm hurt I shouldn't care, but I'm not heartless and I'd feel guilty if I made anyone feel bad. I already feel guilty for some things and I don't want to make it worse, so I'm going to leave it all at this. This is just how it's going to be for awhile I guess :/ I hate it, but I'd rather it be me than anyone else and I don't know what could possibly be done about it. It's my own feelings, my paranoia, my sensitivity, and so no one can really change that. I just hope I can break out of this and get the hell over it all soon because I HATE feeling this way. I went through a depressive episode and while I have chronic dep. I don't want to be as low as I was during the few months to a year it got really bad. I want this to go away, and so I need to find a way to get the hell over all of it and stop doubting every single thing.
I've been told I'm better than this, but am I really? Am I, because I don't see it. All I see is myself repeating the same mistakes, believing certain phrases people say when they can't be trusted and rescind it all later, even the same day or talk behind my back. Maybe it's just all this shit with ex-best friend, maybe it's just my paranoia, but sometimes I don't know what to trust. People who know that really should be more careful around me, but their not and now here I am hurting all over again. I HATE THIS. I really and truly do. Why claim you mean everything, tell me these HUGE HUGE things and then two hours later rescind it when I explicitly told you NOT TO say that unless you meant it. Now, as much as I want normalcy it's starting to seem hard. I think about stopping the hiding act, but all that I think when I think of ims and talking are horrible words, mean words, anger....and so I guess I'm either not ready to talk or I won't ever be able to have things return to normal and that just sucks. I've been here before and it really sucks. It's even making me doubt those I can trust for more than just one reason and my typical paranoia. I hate this. I think this is all I can say for now without saying things I don't mean and while staying vague.I don't know how to fix things and make them normal, not now and I don't know what's going to happen. Usually I'm the optimist and it sucks because right now all I'm thinking is pessimistic thoughts and just wishes that I think a lot of people would kill me if they knew.
I'm jsut so afraid that things like this are going to continue happening. Do I have a big label on my face that says "Hey i'm gullible and once you gain my trust I'll believe anything you say?" I mean, why else would things like this keep happening? Why else would people keep lying to me? Sometimes I just really don't know who to trust, even if I have one person, my sissy, who I fully trust sometimes lately I even doubt her because of EVERYTHING and it sucks. I mean I still have this feeling, and fear, despite everything in my last entry that I'm going to lose her because why would things work so well for me in that sense? It's scary to me...but it's something I can't help. I can't help that feeling. I'm glad she understands my paranoia and is always here to reassure me, but it's constant. The littlest things will make me fear it. The littlest things will make me think there'll be someone she'll start telling more to and then eventually get closer to and forget me. Little things set off a huge paranoia, especially with her because of the fact that I keep being lied to by everyone it seems. I mean, my ex-best friend once was called my sister and I talked to her everyday and SAW her twice a week at times and look what happened there? So with that looming over me and now everything else that's exploded as I've been dealing with that, sometimes it really is hard to trust that everything is going to stay the same, but so far even when others have betrayed me, been annoyed by me, hurt me, or lied she has been there. I hope my fears never come true, but I can't ever stop them. I'm just glad she understands and is always willing to reassure me and not just about this, but everything. Sometimes, I really don't know where I'd be without her. It makes me want to cry and freak out just thinking about it.
I think I'm going to end this here though. I don't know what else to say while still being vague so as not to hurt anyone. Sure, some might say if I'm hurt I shouldn't care, but I'm not heartless and I'd feel guilty if I made anyone feel bad. I already feel guilty for some things and I don't want to make it worse, so I'm going to leave it all at this. This is just how it's going to be for awhile I guess :/ I hate it, but I'd rather it be me than anyone else and I don't know what could possibly be done about it. It's my own feelings, my paranoia, my sensitivity, and so no one can really change that. I just hope I can break out of this and get the hell over it all soon because I HATE feeling this way. I went through a depressive episode and while I have chronic dep. I don't want to be as low as I was during the few months to a year it got really bad. I want this to go away, and so I need to find a way to get the hell over all of it and stop doubting every single thing.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Pools of Sorrow, Waves of Joy
Okay, so I had a tumblr. Been there, tried it. I don't like it. It spazzes out majorly. I hate that and so I'm back to my beloved blog here. I wish I could say this is going to be a happy blog, but it's going to be a combination of both. If you don't want to read it skim past it. Otherwise, the happy part will be me explaining me since I started this blog a year or two ago and haven't really been good about updating it.
So I decided to private the first half of this entry, but I am going to talk about my sissy. I will say right now. I LOVE MY SISSY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND ANYONE ELSE. She IS family to me, and as such I love her just as much as my family, if not more than some of my cousins and aunts and uncles who don't seem to even care enough about anything. This isn't a rant about my family though. THIS is about my sister, not my blood sister because I don't have one of those but the girl who IS my best best friend and CHOSEN sister. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her and I would do ANYTHING for her. In the wake of everything I saw, I FREAKED. I felt like I was losing her to HIM. I felt like despite our pact that nothing was going to come between us this WAS, because I was afraid to even talk to her about it. I cried and got depressed and FREAKED because I thought I was having the most important person in my life pulled away from me. I sobbed, and freaked and almost wasn't going to talk to her. ME not talk to my SISSY. THAT is crazy. Then I realized that was letting it happen and so we talked but the subject didn't come up until later when I voiced my fears of losing her AGAIN. It's legit my BIGGEST fear and so I don't want to risk that EVER. We talked though, and I realize we CAN talk about ANYTHING, even if it's hard...even THIS. Which is good because I was worried. I may need a reminder ALOT that this isn't going to ruin us and as I have begun saying "nothing crushes us." Deep down though, I DO know that, it's just hard when I start doubting everything, but LAST NIGHT...helped ALOT. Talking to her about it all, seeing how much we mean to one another and knowing she didn't want things to get ruined and hated it all just as much as I did, helped and makes me realize that as long as we keep communication about EVERYTHING, even any of this, open then it'll be okay and nothing will change. WE have control and WE can't let it. It'll only change if we let it. We're not going to. I know I won't. I'm not going to let someone as AMAZING and BANGIN' and INCREDIBLE as my sister go away from me. I can't even bear the thought, it's why I was freaked out so much. I mean, we've known each other for so long, talked about everything and just there's never been a time when I couldn't go to her and when I wouldn't want her to come to me. She's who I am CLOSEST to, and like I said she is my chosen sister. I don't and won't let that slip away from me, ever. It's scary and heartwrenching for me to even think about. I don't WANT to think about it or consider it because I don't WANT to let that happen. I mean there's so many people in my life who are TEMPORARY or have BEEN temporary. Loving a girl or guy, comes and goes. Crushes come and go. Whose going to be there when all is said and done? HER. That's how I feel at least. No matter what happens with anyone else she's the one who WILL be there and so how can I let ANYONE or ANYTHING pull that away and stop that. She's helped me through so much and I can only hope I've done the same. I mean, she says there's never been anything she hasn't talked to me about and the same goes to her and that WON'T change on my side and she's promised on hers either. That's all I need. Honestly, as long as if everything else crashed down I still had my sister, and my family I would be FINE. That's how I view it and what I REALLY don't WANT to change. So, while I know I'll need reassurances, all of this is what I feel on it.
Now, onto the update on me. I'm Marisa or Shane (a nickname due to a character I write about a lot.) I'm 21 years old and I live in New Jersey, 10 minutes away from Seaside where the show Jersey Shore was filmed. I'm an English major and I love a lot of things. I love reading, writing, music,movies, tv, singing, dancing in the rain, late night conversation, rping, video games, and that's only scratching the surface. Some of my favorite books are the Harry Potter series, Percy Jackson series, Looking for Alaska by John Green, anything on Arthurian legend, the Kiesha'ra series, and I LOVE Shakespeare and literature in general. I love all types of music. I love broadway because I sing it, and I love anything from wrock to Green Day. I can't really say favorites but some bands I like are ALL CAPS, Ministry of Magic, Green Day, We Are The In Crowd(thanks to my sissy), Sparks the Rescue (thanks to my sissy), The Goo Goo Dolls, and just so many many more. I roleplay, forum based. I run one site with my amazing sissy that is marauder era and I LOVE IT. As for video games I have ONE favorite and THAT is Kingdom Hearts. I also love Assasin's Creed and some others, but Kingdom Hearts is a big one. Oh, I like anime and manga, BUT I'm VERY picky on what I like. My all time favorite has and will always be Fullmetal Alchemist. I just think it's a beautiful show and well written. I prefer the original anime to the manga and can't really stand Brotherhood at all after being so accustomed to the original. Yeah, I'm a nerd, and I'll admit to it and I'm proud of it. I participated and succeeded in nanowrimo and will do it all over again this year coming and am excited. I MISS nanowrimo and the insanity it was and feel like one of my best written works was made THEN. I'm proud of it. I don't know what else to say really, but that's me in a nutshell.
So I decided to private the first half of this entry, but I am going to talk about my sissy. I will say right now. I LOVE MY SISSY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND ANYONE ELSE. She IS family to me, and as such I love her just as much as my family, if not more than some of my cousins and aunts and uncles who don't seem to even care enough about anything. This isn't a rant about my family though. THIS is about my sister, not my blood sister because I don't have one of those but the girl who IS my best best friend and CHOSEN sister. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her and I would do ANYTHING for her. In the wake of everything I saw, I FREAKED. I felt like I was losing her to HIM. I felt like despite our pact that nothing was going to come between us this WAS, because I was afraid to even talk to her about it. I cried and got depressed and FREAKED because I thought I was having the most important person in my life pulled away from me. I sobbed, and freaked and almost wasn't going to talk to her. ME not talk to my SISSY. THAT is crazy. Then I realized that was letting it happen and so we talked but the subject didn't come up until later when I voiced my fears of losing her AGAIN. It's legit my BIGGEST fear and so I don't want to risk that EVER. We talked though, and I realize we CAN talk about ANYTHING, even if it's hard...even THIS. Which is good because I was worried. I may need a reminder ALOT that this isn't going to ruin us and as I have begun saying "nothing crushes us." Deep down though, I DO know that, it's just hard when I start doubting everything, but LAST NIGHT...helped ALOT. Talking to her about it all, seeing how much we mean to one another and knowing she didn't want things to get ruined and hated it all just as much as I did, helped and makes me realize that as long as we keep communication about EVERYTHING, even any of this, open then it'll be okay and nothing will change. WE have control and WE can't let it. It'll only change if we let it. We're not going to. I know I won't. I'm not going to let someone as AMAZING and BANGIN' and INCREDIBLE as my sister go away from me. I can't even bear the thought, it's why I was freaked out so much. I mean, we've known each other for so long, talked about everything and just there's never been a time when I couldn't go to her and when I wouldn't want her to come to me. She's who I am CLOSEST to, and like I said she is my chosen sister. I don't and won't let that slip away from me, ever. It's scary and heartwrenching for me to even think about. I don't WANT to think about it or consider it because I don't WANT to let that happen. I mean there's so many people in my life who are TEMPORARY or have BEEN temporary. Loving a girl or guy, comes and goes. Crushes come and go. Whose going to be there when all is said and done? HER. That's how I feel at least. No matter what happens with anyone else she's the one who WILL be there and so how can I let ANYONE or ANYTHING pull that away and stop that. She's helped me through so much and I can only hope I've done the same. I mean, she says there's never been anything she hasn't talked to me about and the same goes to her and that WON'T change on my side and she's promised on hers either. That's all I need. Honestly, as long as if everything else crashed down I still had my sister, and my family I would be FINE. That's how I view it and what I REALLY don't WANT to change. So, while I know I'll need reassurances, all of this is what I feel on it.
Now, onto the update on me. I'm Marisa or Shane (a nickname due to a character I write about a lot.) I'm 21 years old and I live in New Jersey, 10 minutes away from Seaside where the show Jersey Shore was filmed. I'm an English major and I love a lot of things. I love reading, writing, music,movies, tv, singing, dancing in the rain, late night conversation, rping, video games, and that's only scratching the surface. Some of my favorite books are the Harry Potter series, Percy Jackson series, Looking for Alaska by John Green, anything on Arthurian legend, the Kiesha'ra series, and I LOVE Shakespeare and literature in general. I love all types of music. I love broadway because I sing it, and I love anything from wrock to Green Day. I can't really say favorites but some bands I like are ALL CAPS, Ministry of Magic, Green Day, We Are The In Crowd(thanks to my sissy), Sparks the Rescue (thanks to my sissy), The Goo Goo Dolls, and just so many many more. I roleplay, forum based. I run one site with my amazing sissy that is marauder era and I LOVE IT. As for video games I have ONE favorite and THAT is Kingdom Hearts. I also love Assasin's Creed and some others, but Kingdom Hearts is a big one. Oh, I like anime and manga, BUT I'm VERY picky on what I like. My all time favorite has and will always be Fullmetal Alchemist. I just think it's a beautiful show and well written. I prefer the original anime to the manga and can't really stand Brotherhood at all after being so accustomed to the original. Yeah, I'm a nerd, and I'll admit to it and I'm proud of it. I participated and succeeded in nanowrimo and will do it all over again this year coming and am excited. I MISS nanowrimo and the insanity it was and feel like one of my best written works was made THEN. I'm proud of it. I don't know what else to say really, but that's me in a nutshell.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Two Worlds Collide Ch. 2
CHAPTER 2
Kairi
“Kairi wake up!” My mom yelled, banging on my bedroom door. I frowned. It was only 8:30am and it was a Saturday. There was no reason she should have been waking me up out of a sound sleep so early. The whole situation was truly ridiculous. Yet, I knew my mother and I knew she would never wake up so early on a weekend unless it was important. She knew I liked to sleep in on the weekends and the only time she woke me up was if something big was occurring.
“What is it, mom?” I asked, wiping the sleep from my eyes and getting up to answer the door.
“Your father is here, and he has a guest with him.” she replied, biting her lip nervously.
“He is? Why?” I asked, quickly stalking over to my closet. I needed to find a dress to greet my father in. If he was alone I probably could have gotten away with simply wearing my pajamas, but with a guest I wouldn’t risk it. I didn’t know who the guest could be, and I didn’t want to be disrespectful by walking out in my pajamas.
My father never visited unless he had something important to tell me or ask me. Sometimes that bothered me, but I tried my best to understand. After all, my father was an archangel and as such he was a very busy angel. He didn’t get much time to himself for visits but when he did visit he almost always brought me a gift as a sign of his affection and to remind me he didn’t forget about me. I never doubted his love for me, I just missed him. I never got the type of relationship with my father that most girls in school seemed to have and sometimes that was hard. However, he had an important job and he had chosen to have me for a reason.
“He said he needed to talk to you.” My mother said, lingering in the doorway to watch me.
I simply nodded, grabbing a white dress my father had bought me from my closet and putting it on quickly. I brushed through my hair and threw it into a loose bun and then I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was pale, but like my father I seemed to glow with power. That was the angel blood in me. It also made me appear much more beautiful than any normal mortal. I had bright red hair, green eyes and freckles that lined my face. I left two strands of hair to frame my face, threw on some shoes and smiled. I was ready to greet my father.
“Okay, where is he?” I asked, walking over to my mother.
“In the living room, I’ll be in my room if you need me.” She replied before briskly heading into her bedroom next door. My mother always allowed my father and I space to talk, but today she seemed more skittish than usual. Sure, my father intimidated her and always had, after all it’s not every day and angel asks you to bear their child, but this seemed to be much more than that. As I reached the living room, I immediately knew why.
The other man with my father was an intimidating man in and of himself. He was much taller than my father, more than a foot and he was more muscular where my father was much skinnier. Yet, the man was just as beautiful as any angel. He had curly blond hair that waved down to his cleft chin. His eyes were the blue of the ocean and his stance was one of pride and possibly even some arrogance. This angel was not someone anyone would want to cross. However, that wasn’t even the most intimidating thing about him. His armor was what seemed most amazing. His armor seemed to be made out of pure gold and covered him head to toe since he wore a plumed helmet on his head. His wings were also much larger than my father’s and they seemed to have an armor of their own coating them which made them shine. This man screamed beauty and power. I knew who he must be.
However, there was a heavy contrast between this other angel and my father. Where this angel was intimidating because of how he seemed to flaunt his power, my father was mild and had a much kinder way about him. He looked meek compared to the larger angel. I didn’t care I loved my father for who he was. If I was going to be completely honest, the larger angel scared me. My father and I shared the same bright red hair and jade green eyes. His wings also seemed to be much softer and smaller than the other angel’s, lacking the armor and shine. When I was a young child I used to love to touch my father’s wings and fly in his arms.
Flying was something I loved and yet never had the luxury of doing myself. I had wings, gorgeous, white, feathery wings but mine did not function. My wings were too small to allow me to fly. All my wings did was enable the angels and fallen to see me for what I was, a half breed. I was half angel and half human. That was something many fallen were jealous of and many angels frowned upon. The only reason any of the angels ever took me seriously was because of who my father was. They trusted that my father had brought me into the world for a reason.
I usually kept my wings bound to my back by using a belt. However, I always allowed them freedom when my father came around. They didn’t outcast me when my father was present. In fact, my father loved my wings. He had always told me that regardless of what the other angels said they were gorgeous just like me. I was never ashamed to let my wings show when my father visited. Now, however under the other angels gaze I felt self conscious. I couldn’t help it.
“This is your daughter, Gabriel?” the other angel asked. I shifted nervously under his gaze and looked down at the ground. He made me nervous. He also irritated me because of the condescending way he spoke to my father. I hated when anyone I cared about was mistreated. I could take being frowned upon or mistreated myself but I did not like the way this angel was speaking to my father. I looked up and him and probably would have spoke out if my dad did not lay his hand on my shoulder to calm me. I glanced behind me and smiled at my dad. His presence alone was enough to soothe me.
“Yes, is there a problem, Michael?” my father responded. His voice was sickeningly sweet, almost too sweet as he glanced over me at Michael. Now I knew why the other angel was an intimidating presence. He was the archangel Michael, the leader of Heaven’s army. My father was the messenger, while Michael had control over Heaven’s army and then angels known as the powers.
“No, I just expected her to look a bit….different.” Michael responded, seeming to decide what adjective to use last minute. I was certain that had my father not been there he would have used a less than flattering word to describe me.
“Well, she looks as you see her. Now, tell her what you must and be on your way.” My dad commanded. He kept his hand on my shoulder, protectively.
“The nephilim have reached their sixteenth birthday. Their powers will continue to grow and we only have a few weeks before a decision must be made. If you still think your little girl here can keep them on our side the two of you don’t have much time to prove it. If they have not sworn their allegiance to us in a week than my plan will go into action.” Michael stated. His eyes stared into mine and I could not break his gaze. Then, without another word or so much as a goodbye he was gone and I was left completely and utterly bewildered. What did he mean? Who were the nephilim? What was he talking about?
“Kairi, relax. Don’t let his words get to you. We are going to work out a plan together and I will explain everything to you. I know right now you’re confused and that is my fault. I should have explained everything sooner, but I felt the less you knew the better. I will explain it, after you enjoy your best friend’s birthday.” My dad stated, pulling me into his embrace.
“Thank you, Daddy.” I replied, hugging his waist. I didn’t know what any of this meant but I trusted my father. I knew he would explain everything to me. Being in his arms was comforting and easily calmed my racing heart. Michael had scared me, but I knew that now it was all okay. I was going to be okay and I would understand everything in time.
I truly loved and admired my father. Not many people could truly say that their father was an angel, but I could. My father had also done many great deeds in his lifetime than no one else’s parents could ever have hoped to do. He had delivered messages of sadness and joy. My father had lived billions of years, before humans even existed, and he had never aged a day over thirty five years old. He was a kind, caring and generous. I could proudly say that my father was all of those things, who else could say that? I was the one and only half angel child in the world. However, that wasn’t the most important thing to me. I was Gabriel’s one and only child, his daughter. That was what made me special and that is how I knew my father loved me.
“Meet me at the clock tower tonight at dusk. I’ll explain everything, Kai.” My father stated.
“Okay, that sounds like a plan.” I replied, smiling. Anytime that my dad told me to meet him at the clock tower it usually meant that we were going flying. He would hold my hand or hold me to his chest and we would fly. It was one of my favorite things to do, and it was one of the experiences that only my father could give me. I truly cherished the flights I experienced with my father.
“Alright, well I have some work I have to do in the mean time. Have fun with your friends and I’ll meet you at dusk.” He said, giving me one last gentle squeeze before disappearing out the front door and into the sky.
Kairi
“Kairi wake up!” My mom yelled, banging on my bedroom door. I frowned. It was only 8:30am and it was a Saturday. There was no reason she should have been waking me up out of a sound sleep so early. The whole situation was truly ridiculous. Yet, I knew my mother and I knew she would never wake up so early on a weekend unless it was important. She knew I liked to sleep in on the weekends and the only time she woke me up was if something big was occurring.
“What is it, mom?” I asked, wiping the sleep from my eyes and getting up to answer the door.
“Your father is here, and he has a guest with him.” she replied, biting her lip nervously.
“He is? Why?” I asked, quickly stalking over to my closet. I needed to find a dress to greet my father in. If he was alone I probably could have gotten away with simply wearing my pajamas, but with a guest I wouldn’t risk it. I didn’t know who the guest could be, and I didn’t want to be disrespectful by walking out in my pajamas.
My father never visited unless he had something important to tell me or ask me. Sometimes that bothered me, but I tried my best to understand. After all, my father was an archangel and as such he was a very busy angel. He didn’t get much time to himself for visits but when he did visit he almost always brought me a gift as a sign of his affection and to remind me he didn’t forget about me. I never doubted his love for me, I just missed him. I never got the type of relationship with my father that most girls in school seemed to have and sometimes that was hard. However, he had an important job and he had chosen to have me for a reason.
“He said he needed to talk to you.” My mother said, lingering in the doorway to watch me.
I simply nodded, grabbing a white dress my father had bought me from my closet and putting it on quickly. I brushed through my hair and threw it into a loose bun and then I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was pale, but like my father I seemed to glow with power. That was the angel blood in me. It also made me appear much more beautiful than any normal mortal. I had bright red hair, green eyes and freckles that lined my face. I left two strands of hair to frame my face, threw on some shoes and smiled. I was ready to greet my father.
“Okay, where is he?” I asked, walking over to my mother.
“In the living room, I’ll be in my room if you need me.” She replied before briskly heading into her bedroom next door. My mother always allowed my father and I space to talk, but today she seemed more skittish than usual. Sure, my father intimidated her and always had, after all it’s not every day and angel asks you to bear their child, but this seemed to be much more than that. As I reached the living room, I immediately knew why.
The other man with my father was an intimidating man in and of himself. He was much taller than my father, more than a foot and he was more muscular where my father was much skinnier. Yet, the man was just as beautiful as any angel. He had curly blond hair that waved down to his cleft chin. His eyes were the blue of the ocean and his stance was one of pride and possibly even some arrogance. This angel was not someone anyone would want to cross. However, that wasn’t even the most intimidating thing about him. His armor was what seemed most amazing. His armor seemed to be made out of pure gold and covered him head to toe since he wore a plumed helmet on his head. His wings were also much larger than my father’s and they seemed to have an armor of their own coating them which made them shine. This man screamed beauty and power. I knew who he must be.
However, there was a heavy contrast between this other angel and my father. Where this angel was intimidating because of how he seemed to flaunt his power, my father was mild and had a much kinder way about him. He looked meek compared to the larger angel. I didn’t care I loved my father for who he was. If I was going to be completely honest, the larger angel scared me. My father and I shared the same bright red hair and jade green eyes. His wings also seemed to be much softer and smaller than the other angel’s, lacking the armor and shine. When I was a young child I used to love to touch my father’s wings and fly in his arms.
Flying was something I loved and yet never had the luxury of doing myself. I had wings, gorgeous, white, feathery wings but mine did not function. My wings were too small to allow me to fly. All my wings did was enable the angels and fallen to see me for what I was, a half breed. I was half angel and half human. That was something many fallen were jealous of and many angels frowned upon. The only reason any of the angels ever took me seriously was because of who my father was. They trusted that my father had brought me into the world for a reason.
I usually kept my wings bound to my back by using a belt. However, I always allowed them freedom when my father came around. They didn’t outcast me when my father was present. In fact, my father loved my wings. He had always told me that regardless of what the other angels said they were gorgeous just like me. I was never ashamed to let my wings show when my father visited. Now, however under the other angels gaze I felt self conscious. I couldn’t help it.
“This is your daughter, Gabriel?” the other angel asked. I shifted nervously under his gaze and looked down at the ground. He made me nervous. He also irritated me because of the condescending way he spoke to my father. I hated when anyone I cared about was mistreated. I could take being frowned upon or mistreated myself but I did not like the way this angel was speaking to my father. I looked up and him and probably would have spoke out if my dad did not lay his hand on my shoulder to calm me. I glanced behind me and smiled at my dad. His presence alone was enough to soothe me.
“Yes, is there a problem, Michael?” my father responded. His voice was sickeningly sweet, almost too sweet as he glanced over me at Michael. Now I knew why the other angel was an intimidating presence. He was the archangel Michael, the leader of Heaven’s army. My father was the messenger, while Michael had control over Heaven’s army and then angels known as the powers.
“No, I just expected her to look a bit….different.” Michael responded, seeming to decide what adjective to use last minute. I was certain that had my father not been there he would have used a less than flattering word to describe me.
“Well, she looks as you see her. Now, tell her what you must and be on your way.” My dad commanded. He kept his hand on my shoulder, protectively.
“The nephilim have reached their sixteenth birthday. Their powers will continue to grow and we only have a few weeks before a decision must be made. If you still think your little girl here can keep them on our side the two of you don’t have much time to prove it. If they have not sworn their allegiance to us in a week than my plan will go into action.” Michael stated. His eyes stared into mine and I could not break his gaze. Then, without another word or so much as a goodbye he was gone and I was left completely and utterly bewildered. What did he mean? Who were the nephilim? What was he talking about?
“Kairi, relax. Don’t let his words get to you. We are going to work out a plan together and I will explain everything to you. I know right now you’re confused and that is my fault. I should have explained everything sooner, but I felt the less you knew the better. I will explain it, after you enjoy your best friend’s birthday.” My dad stated, pulling me into his embrace.
“Thank you, Daddy.” I replied, hugging his waist. I didn’t know what any of this meant but I trusted my father. I knew he would explain everything to me. Being in his arms was comforting and easily calmed my racing heart. Michael had scared me, but I knew that now it was all okay. I was going to be okay and I would understand everything in time.
I truly loved and admired my father. Not many people could truly say that their father was an angel, but I could. My father had also done many great deeds in his lifetime than no one else’s parents could ever have hoped to do. He had delivered messages of sadness and joy. My father had lived billions of years, before humans even existed, and he had never aged a day over thirty five years old. He was a kind, caring and generous. I could proudly say that my father was all of those things, who else could say that? I was the one and only half angel child in the world. However, that wasn’t the most important thing to me. I was Gabriel’s one and only child, his daughter. That was what made me special and that is how I knew my father loved me.
“Meet me at the clock tower tonight at dusk. I’ll explain everything, Kai.” My father stated.
“Okay, that sounds like a plan.” I replied, smiling. Anytime that my dad told me to meet him at the clock tower it usually meant that we were going flying. He would hold my hand or hold me to his chest and we would fly. It was one of my favorite things to do, and it was one of the experiences that only my father could give me. I truly cherished the flights I experienced with my father.
“Alright, well I have some work I have to do in the mean time. Have fun with your friends and I’ll meet you at dusk.” He said, giving me one last gentle squeeze before disappearing out the front door and into the sky.
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