Times Are Changing

So, it's been awhile since I've written and I think that it's for the better. Alot has changed since I last wrote a REAL entry. I mean, it's been almost exactly 1 year and it's amazing how much has changed in that time period.

As a person, I've changed. I'm not the person I was a year ago, and I'm GLAD. I don't LIKE the person I was a year ago. I was depressed, and as such looking back on all the entries from that time frame, I was quite a bit, if not exceptionally emo. I don't like that. I'm glad to say I feel like I'm doing alot better.

I've cut out alot of negative people, and influences from my life. I'm trying to make sure I worry about myself and not just others. I'm TRYING to work on my confidence, though it's not working as well as I planned, but I do think things are alot better than they were. I feel much happier and more content. I feel like I know where I'm going and where I want to be.

I have also learned who truly is my friend rather recently, whether their nearby or far away. I only have 3 people I can truly call close friends who live in the same state and even vaguely nearby at this point. THREE. I'm glad though, I'm happy to say that these friends are the ones who have proven true and trustworthy. The ones who make me happy, and not miserable. The ones who don't pull me down, but try to build me up. They KNOW who they are and as such I don't feel the need to mention their names.

One of them i've known since 7th grade, and while we've had out ups and downs, we're still close and I know I can count on her. Another, I've known through all of high school. We were inseparable, and while we lost touch for awhile because of one little argument due to one of the people I eliminated from my life, we're back to normal now. The third is a newer friend, but one I feel like i've known my whole life. She is like a little sister to me, and I tend to be very protective of her, and I know she's the same way with me. She had helped me through alot.

Besides those three, there's another 2, who live out of state and who I talk to everyday and can't live without. One of them is my girlfriend and soulmate who has been around and stuck with me even when I was depressed and emo, without what I would call a true and genuine reason. She has always been there, and I can only hope I'm equally there for her. I love her, and I cannot wait for the day when we're in the same state. I have a feeling we'll be inseparable from then on.

Then there is a girl who has come to be more of a little sister than anything to me. I'm closer to her than many many people I know in real life, and just as close to her, if not closer than I am to my own brother. I talk to her about almost everything and am in constant contact with her. It's weird when we DON'T talk because we're almost always talking. I lvoe her, and I can't imagine not talking to her or having our movie nights, or anything. I can't wait til she's in the same place as me, much like my girlfriend.

So, clearly, alot has changed. I went from many close friends and trusted friends to a handful. Yet, I'm GLAD. I'd rather have my 5 close friends, and know that I can trust them fully and utterly, know that their true and would never hurt me, than have a million friends and not know who can be trusted. I'm sick and tired of letting people walk all over me, and I'm glad that I've weeded out the bad. I think as long as I have the 5 mentioned that I'll be happy. Sure there'll be other friends I hang out with and see, but I refuse to let them in like these 5.

It's just amazing to me how much can change in a year. I mean, really I feel like I'm such a different person. I'm finally happy with where my life seems to be heading. Sure, there's still things that scare me, there's still things that shake me up, but hey that's LIFE. Life isn't easy and never will be. Yet, gaining a positive attitude helps. I feel like I'm finally on track.

Now, as for this month. It offers alot of promise. It's mid-semester and I feel like I'm doing so much better than this time last year. I failed a class last year, and I had NEVER failed anything before in my life. Yet, here I am and I don't have to worry about that now. This semester i'm getting all B's in my least favorite classes. As for my favorite class, British Literature,every single paper I'm getting back has an A on it and says that it's exceptionally written. That boosts my confidence especially since that prof. is a doctor of English. This month offers alot of work in the form of research paper, midterms and other papers, but it offers promise. Not to mention I've decided to do nanowrimo and am starting a new story. I hope to finish this one.

Anyway, this is turning out to be longer than I hoped. I do, however, have a goal now. To try to keep this blog positive and updated frequently with writing, musings and life in general. Sure, there's bound to be some irritations, annoyances and negative entries but I hope not as many as last year. This to me is a fresh start :D

<3 Marisa

Here's A Toast To All Those Who Hear Me All Too Well

Here is a blog post that's been a long time coming. As everything has been unwinding and rewinding, I've realized jsut how much I appreciate those in my life. So i've wanted to write a blog to tell those people just how much they mean to me and to take the time to write about them and thank them individually. Some shall be bigger than others by default but each one is VERY important to me.

Here it starts:

Amy: I've known you since 7th grade. You were the first person I let in after everything that happened when I was younger. You are a sweet person and you care so much for everyone. You need to take some time for yourself too. You're one of the friends who has been there. We may have had our differences or petty problems, but we've grown up and here we are today. Thank you for your support and understanding.

Enma: Brother! You are AMAZING. You are such an amazing kid and I absolutely love you. You are sweet, and caring. You are also very thoughtful. I love you more than you know. I hope you know I"m always here if you need me. I know your there for me too if I need it and I'm glad. Don't you ever change, because it would be a shame. I love you!

Faithy: FAITHY I LOVE YOU! You are a sweet, kind and caring girl. You are adorable. You are also strong. I know you can get through anything. I know you're always there for me and I'm here for you too. Your a little sister to me. I love texting you, and it can always help me. Even if I'm having an awful day, you can always help in some way shape or form, even if it's a needed distraction. Thank you. ILY SO MUCH!

Carey: Carey Carey Carey! What can I say about you? Let's see....I met you, and never expected our friendship to last as it has. I mean, I met you through my ex, and you were friends with her first. Yet, here we are. You are my hubby. I mean, hello, I wanted to and still want to live with you one day. You're going to be my baby daddy. You're amazing and I love you. We have some crazy silly fun, but it's always good. ILY!

Kamali/Lil Sissy: You are my little sister. I love you. You have been there for me. I know I don't see you as much as I'd like to, but you're still always there. I know I can come to you with anything. Even when I'm being fully irrational and you will do your best to help. You always have. You know so much about me, and I trust you more thank you know. You have heard me out various times. You have heard my worst rants.

You have also ranted to me. I"m always here. I care about you so much and worry about you alot. I want to take care of you as best i can. Though, sometimes its hard since I don't see you often and live 45 minutes away. However, as you know I'm always just a phone call, text or im away.

Mariah/Claudii/Wifey: YOU are AMAZING. You inspire me so much, lovey. You have been through so much and yet remain the amazing, mature girl that you are today. I care about you so much. It's amazing how I've never met you, but I love you just as much as some i have, and more than others I know in real life. I care about you so much, and I hate seeing you upset or sad. Whenever you are, I always want to help as best I can and try to cheer you up.

Thank you for constantly being there. I come to you and am just glad you're there when I need you. You give good advice, especially for someone about four years younger than me. You are so wise beyond your years and I love you. You mean the world to me and I would hate to see something happen to you. Know that I am always here for you 24/7..365 days a week. Just a phone call, text or im away. I love you, wifey. Thank you.

Mels/Sissy: I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO BIG!!! Okay, now that that's out of the way. Sissy, I don't know what i would do without you. You seem to understand me better than most. We have so many similarities and yet we have differences too. Yet, it just seems to make us mix so well. Atleast that's how I see it. I honestly would be completely and utterly lost without you. It may make me feel vulnerable to be so dependent on someone and to rely on someone so much, but I trust you and doubt you could ever hurt me as I have been in the past when I relied and cared so much for someone. You are my sister in every definition of the word.

I care so much for you. I hate it when you're upset or sad and ALWAYS ALWAYS do my best to make it better. I hope you know, though I'm sure you do, that you can come to me with ANYTHING and I will jump. When it comes to you I will do ANYTHING. I would die if it meant saving you in some way shape or form. I have formed an attachment and connection to you that even I don't always understand. We can be together and one of us will have left and I will immediately miss you. Sometimes it makes me feel clingy, but I love you. I would probably die if I didn't have you.

You are probably the only person who can calm me down when I'm having a complete and utter breakdown, or atleast calm me down the best. You just seem to understand me when no one else does. You somehow seem to get the inner workings of me. I love you more than life itself.I would do anything at all for you, and I hope you know, no matter what is going on in my life, or what is going on with me, YOU come first to me. I need you and love you and never want to see anything happen to you if I can help it. I never want to go too long without talking to you and I never want to fight. Those to things would probably end my life as I know it. Sorry, didn't mean for this to get so mushy and sorry if it seems too much, but it's just me being totally and utterly honest and vulnerable. I love you sissy, and shall stop now before I write a book. YOU ARE MY SISSY AND I LOVE YOU!