Prologue- Jamie Is Over
It had been six months since Jamie left me and I didn’t know what to do. I thought that I was over him. Then, I found out that I was pregnant with his child a month after he left. I found out that the baby was a boy a few weeks ago. When I first found out, I debated what to do. I didn’t know whether I should have the baby or not. I was alone, and did not have a steady job so I wasn’t sure I could raise a child. Yet, I decided I would because I didn’t have the heart to give the child up, or get an abortion. I was responsible for this child, and I decided I had to raise the baby myself.
I initially tried to get in touch with Jamie. After all, the baby is his responsibility too, and I was not going to prevent him from being a part of the child’s life if he wanted to. I didn’t manage to get in touch with him though. I left countless messages with his secretary and on his voicemail, but he never got back to me. I actually called Elise, to try to get in touch with him.
Elise apologized to me. She told me that she couldn’t stay with him. She felt too guilty. Elise and I had actually become pretty close too since our first conversation. She had come with me to a lot of my doctor’s appointments, and been my biggest support through this pregnancy. Elise had even moved in with me, to help me cover the rent. She had been my roommate, but slowly it had developed into more. I didn’t know how, or why. I had never liked another woman before, and the only person I ever felt so strongly for had been Jamie. Elise had defined love for me. Now, she, not Jamie, was preparing to help me raise my son. The chapter in my life that included Jamie was finally over, or so I believed.
Chapter 1- See I’m Smiling
“James Michael, get down here right now!” Elise yelled up the stairs of our townhouse.
Elise and I had really made a life four ourselves and “our” son James. I had gone back to school, and now taught theatre at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts. Elise now worked for Scholastic, and loved every minute of it. We had moved from our small two room apartment to a three story, four bedroom, townhouse. This all happened about two years after I had James. Elise and I had stopped fighting off our feelings for eachother and just let things happen. Since then, we had been in a happy, monogamous relationship. James has grown up calling Elise, Mama, and me, Mommy.
“What Mama?” James asked, coming down the stairs.
“What have we told you about leaving your shoes by the door?” Elise asked him, pointing to the shoes left in the foyer.
“You said I shouldn’t leave them there because someone could trip.” James replied, looking down at his feet.
“Yes, so why did you leave them there?” I asked, looking at my son’s guilty face.
“I forgot. I’m sorry Mama. I’m sorry Mommy.” James replied, picking up his shoes.
“It’s okay baby, but you need to be more careful. Especially now that Mama has your baby brother or sister in her belly.” I stated, picking James up. He was getting to big to hold.
“Would it hurt my baby brother or sister if she fell?” James asked, innocently, his blonde curls falling in his face as he spoke.
“Yes it would.” I replied, simply.
“Then I’ll be careful! I promise.” James proclaimed, hugging my neck.
I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. James was my life. Every time I saw him I could not help but smile. He looked a lot like Jamie though, and even though I was over Jamie sometimes that reminder brought back memories I would rather forget. I did see a lot of myself in James too. He had my ears and my nose. He also shared my love for music and theatre, even at such a young age. Elise and I agreed to get him guitar and singing lessons. He is a natural at singing, but Elise and I didn’t think it would hurt to get him lessons.
“James, why don’t you go get ready for your lessons?” I asked, putting him down.
“Ok, Mommy.” James replied, running up the stairs to get his music books and guitar.
“James is really something.” I stated, walking over to sit beside Elise on the couch.
“Cath, I really need to tell you something so you don’t end up with a shock later.” Elise said, catching my eye.
“What is it?” I asked. Elise and I were always brutally honest with each other, so whatever she had to say would be important. Her tone was what worried me. She sounded a bit afraid of what she had to tell me. What could it possibly be that she was so afraid to tell me?
“Jamie’s in town, and he’s doing a book signing and talk at the bookstore next to James’ music lessons.” Elise replied, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Oh god, what do you think I should do?” I asked.
“Well, Cath, his book is about your marriage to him. I think you should try to talk to him before or after the signing. He does have a right to know about James, even if he never answered any of your calls.” Elise replied, as she gently brushed stray strands of hair out of my face.
“You read his book?” I asked softly. I wasn’t angry. I was upset though. I was upset that Jamie wrote about something so personal to me, and didn’t even think to ask me if it was okay. Now, the whole world could read about my marriage that fell apart.
“I had to. My co-worker started talking about it and I had to read it. I wanted to be able to warn you about it so that you didn’t hear about it from anyone else. He used different names in the book, but anyone that knows you well, and knows you were married to Jamie at one point could easily figure it out. However, I wouldn’t worry too much Cath. He showed both his side, and your side. He actually made himself seem more of the bad guy than you. He blames himself it seems.” Elise told me in response.
“So you think I should try to talk to him?” I asked. This situation made me a nervous wreck.
“Yes, at least tell him about James. James deserves to know who his father is.” Elise stated.
“Your right and James has begun to ask about his father lately. Pretty soon I’m not going to be able to just brush it off.” I said.
“I’ll have dinner ready for when you come home. I’ll be prepared for if Jamie happens to come home with you and James.” Elise told me.
“Alright, I love you. Be careful making dinner, and call me if you need me.” I stated, as I walked over and kissed Elise.
“I will, and Cath, I’m pregnant not crippled. I can make dinner without hurting myself or the baby.” Elise said, as she pushed me toward the door where James was already waiting.
Chapter 2
“I’ll meet you right here when your lessons are over.” I said, as I pointed to the spot where James always met me.
“Ok, I love you Mommy!” James responded, as he kissed my cheek. He picked his guitar up, and headed back to the room where his lessons were held.
I watched my son walk away. He was growing up way too fast. He was only 8, but sometimes he acted wise beyond his years. Recently, James started asking about his father. So far, I had avoided answering him, usually changing the subject. What I was planning to do today, was for James; to be able to answer his recent questions about his father.
I approached Border’s and watched the crowd from the book talk disperse. Jamie would be preparing to leave. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see Jamie again, but I had no choice. This was for James, not me. As I looked inside I realized something; I knew nothing about Jamie anymore. For all I knew, he could be married, and have a whole new family by now. I knew nothing, and in a way that scared me.
I finally gained enough courage and walked in the store. I cautiously headed over to where the book talk was, and where I knew Jamie would be. I stopped once I reached there, and planted my feet. I could do nothing but stare at Jamie. In the eight years that we have been separated he had aged quite a bit. He looked much older, and I had to wonder what made him age so quickly. Gray hairs became prominent among his original blond. I continued to watch as he packed his things. He was speaking to a young girl, who I only assumed was his agent.
“May I help you?” the girl asked. She had spotted me, and walked over to where I stood, still frozen to the spot and staring at Jamie.
“I was just wondering, could I speak to Mr. Wellerstein for a moment?” I replied, softly. I must have looked like some crazed fan the way I was staring.
“I’m sorry, but his book talk ended a little while ago and he’s very busy.” The girl snapped, turning and walking back over toward Jamie.
“Well, it will only be a minute. I’m sure he can spare a moment to speak to the mother of his child.” I said, watching as the girl turned on her heal and glared at me.
“He has no son. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about! I think you need to leave.” The girl said, as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and pointed to the door.
“He wouldn’t know about his son!” I yelled, pissed at her attitude. I made sure that I yelled loud enough for Jamie to hear, before I turned around and walked out the way the girl was pointing. I headed right to the spot where I would meet James. I knew Jamie would follow shortly. Being with him for five years, I knew even the years since could not have possibly changed his curiosity. My comment definitely had to make him curious. No sooner had that thought crossed my mind, then the door to Border’s opened, and Jamie came darting out.
“Who are you, and how would you know if I had a son?” Jamie asked, slowly approaching me.
“Don’t you recognize me?” I asked, venomously. Time may have aged him, but not me. I still looked almost exactly the same. I may have dyed my hair, but other than that everything else about me was practically the same.
“Should I? Maybe if I saw you in the light I would recognize you.” Jamie responded, softly, having backed up a little bit at my outburst.
“Oh, come on Jamie. I can’t look that different in the dark. Even if you can’t see me you SHOULD recognize my voice! Eight years haven’t changed yours at all.” I stated.
“Cathy?” Jamie had questioned surprise evident in his voice.
“It sure took you long enough to figure that out.” I responded, stepping into the light so that he could see my face.
“So, Cathy, were you serious about me having a son?” Jamie asked, watching me.
“Why didn’t you return any of my calls?” I asked, ignoring his question for now.
“I don’t know. I mean I guess it was because I knew it was you who was calling.” Jamie replied.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, sending him a glare.
“Just as I had said. You were the one calling. Cathy, think about it. Our five year marriage ended, would you have answered any calls from me at that time?” he responded, gently.
“No, I was hurt. YOU hurt me! I on the other hand, did nothing to you.” I said.
“Well, I’m sorry. I thought you might have been calling to beg me to reconsider and get back together.” Jamie stated.
“Why the hell would I do that? As I said already Jamie, I was hurt. I would not have even thought to want you back at that point. YOU, the person who I married and was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, hurt me! I was hung up on the fact that the vows that we had made were broken. I would never have wanted you back at that point. No way, how could you even think that?” I said, in response to his statement.
“I don’t know, Cathy! How about the fact that you were almost calling me non-stop! I was trying to deal with my own god-damn issues and you kept calling! How was I supposed to know your reason for calling me?” he slung back.
“You were supposed to be the logical one! You were supposed to think like the super smart, nerdy man that I loved! But of course you didn’t! You would never do what I wanted!” I yelled, not realizing all the emotions I had stored through the years.
“Cath, what does logic have to do with anything?” Jamie asked, obviously frustrated with the way this conversation was going.
“Because Jamie, if you had used logic you easily could have figured out that I called for nine months straight. Nine months!” I responded, staring at him as I wiped the angry tears away from my eyes. At least, I told myself, they were angry tears.
“Nine months? Why nine months? Why not ten or six or even seven…or wait….nine months…you were pregnant that whole time?” he asked, finally getting the message.
“Yes, Jamie.” I stated, simply.
“Was the baby mine?” Jamie asked.
“Yes, HE is yours.” I replied.
“God, I messed up, didn’t I?” he asked, quietly, obviously shocked.
“I’d say.” I stated, trying to figure out why my stomach was starting to do flip flops, I was mad at him. Wasn’t I? Besides, I had Elise.
“What did you name him?” Jamie asked, studying me.
“I named him James, so he could at least have something of his father’s.” I replied.
“How old is he?” Jamie asked, causing me to almost laugh. Couldn’t he do the math?
“I’m eight.” I heard a voice behind me say; stopping my laughter dead in it’s tracks. I turned and saw James behind me. He looked up at me innocently. I don’t think he heard anything other than his name. I looked back toward Jamie. He was staring dumfounded, his mouth opening and closing like he wanted to speak, but no sound was coming out.
“Mommy, who is this?” James asked, coming to my side. He had his guitar in one hand and sheet music in the other.
“Cathy, can we talk about this over dinner? I’ll treat.” Jamie asked, before I could answer James. He was still staring at James, but he seemed to have regained his ability to speak.
“We can talk over dinner, but at my house. Elise is making dinner for us already.” I replied.
“Elise?” Jamie questioned curiosity evident.
“The same one; I’ve been with her for the past eight years.” I responded.
“With her meaning……?” he asked, obviously very confused.
“With her meaning as in a relationship with her.” I replied.
He could only stare at me in response. I saw the shock and confusion in his eyes. He was totally confused. I knew he would be. Shoot, I was confused myself. Seeing Jamie again brought back so many emotions. I felt the hurt and betrayal. I felt the sadness and anger again. I even felt the jealousy I used to feel. Yet, there was something else there, an emotion that I could not place. I almost forgot that James was with us until he spoke.
“Mommy, who is this man? And can we go soon I’m starving.” James whined, looking from me to Jamie and back again.
“James, relax. We’ll go home and eat in a minute. Why don’t you go put your things in the car, I’ll be there in a minute?” I responded, ignoring his first question for now.
“Okay, but hurry up. I’m really hungry!” James said, heading for the car.
“That’s our son?” Jamie asked, staring after James.
“The one and only,” I replied.
“He’s beautiful and seems very smart and well mannered.” Jamie stated.
“Yes, he is.” I said proudly.
“Now, what about dinner?” he asked.
“I believe I already invited you to join Elise, James and I tonight.” I replied.
“Ok, but where do you live?” Jamie asked.
“Well, why don’t you just follow me, and you’ll find out?” I replied, rolling my eyes.
“Alright, just let me go get my car, and then I’ll follow.” Jamie said, heading into the parking lot. I watched him, and smiled when I saw him get into a Lexus. I waited until I saw him pull up, before walking to the car and getting in. I could not believe what was happening. My ex-husband was following me home. The woman he cheated with, my partner was cooking dinner for us. Our son was sitting in the car, having not a clue that he had just seen his father. My life suddenly felt like a movie.
Chapter 3
“This is a nice house that you have for yourself. Did you finally get a good part?” Jamie asked, getting out of his car.
“No, I'm actually a theatre professor at NYU.” I replied, as I opened the door and ushered James inside.
“That's great.” Jamie said, as he followed me inside.
“Elise, we're home and Jamie is here too.” I stated, heading toward the kitchen.
“Mommy, do you want me to go wash up before dinner?” James asked.
“Yes, please do that, honey.” I replied.
“Dinner is all ready.” Elise stated, walking out of the kitchen and toward us.
“Good, I'm sure it will be wonderful.” I stated, as I smiled at Elise.
“Elise, you're...are you...are you pregnant?” Jamie asked, fumbling for his words. Jamie seemed to be getting a lot of suprises.
“Yes, I am. I'll be having a brother or sister for James soon.” Elise replied.
“Congratulations.” Jamie stated, simply.
“Thank you. So, how have you been, Jamie?” Elise asked, as she lead him into the dining room. I followed along.
“I've been pretty good. Obviously, I've still been writing. I had been engaged, but I broke off the engagement.” Jamie responded.
“Why did you break it off?” I questioned, curiousity getting the better of me.
“Well, we just weren't compatible. I thought we were, but once we moved in together I realized it just wasn't going to work. We fought too much.” Jamie replied, looking at me, seeming to wonder why I cared.
“Sounds familiar.” I mumbled.
“Please, don't do that Cathy. I tried with you, I really did. I wanted it to work.” Jamie said, not letting me get away with what he heard.
“I'm going to go check on James and get dinner on the table.” Elise stated, as she excused herself.
“You tried! No, you cheated! If you really wanted it to work, Jamie, why did you cheat?” I yelled, not really expecting an answer.
“Because it wasn't working! I was trying and it just wasn't working! You wouldn't let me help you! I'll admit it was a stupid decision, but I can't change it. I'm sorry, Cathy, that's all I can really say here.” Jamie responded, yelling at first, but then speaking just above a whisper.
“Jamie, if you hadn't cheated I would have been willing to try to work through our problems.” I stated.
“Cathy, please listen to me.” he practically begged.
“What is it Jamie?” I asked, as I tried not to look at him. I knew I would cry if I looked at him. I wanted to think that I was angry, but the fact is I wasn't. I still cared about Jamie, and I felt bad now that I was finally hearing some of his side.
“I loved you more than anything. I wanted us to work. When all was said and done, I missed you. I even missed fighting with you! Cathy, I never stopped thinking about you, not even for a second. I wrote a book about our relationship because it helped me deal with the fact it was over. Yet, somehow I hoped we could work things out. I had this crazy dream that if we ever saw eachother again we would somehow be able to pick up right where we left off. I see we're still fighting like old times, but you have moved on. I couldn't do that. The woman that I was engaged to reminded me of you. That's the reason I was with her. That's also why I broke it off with her, I wasn't being fair to her. I was chasing ghosts with her. I still love you Cathy, but now I know that it can never be again.” he told me.
I started crying. That was the only reaction I could have had. I felt completely horrible. I had moved on and started a new relationship and here Jamie was telling me that he had never gotten over me. I wasn't completely sure how I felt. Jamie was here, pouring his heart out to me. What was I supposed to do? The only logical thing to do was give him a hug and before I processed what I was doing, that's precisely what I did.
“I'm sorry Jamie, I really am. I was hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry.” I said, as I tried to slow my tears.
“Cathy, you have nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong. I cheated, what else were you supposed to do?” he responded, his voice sounded quiet and choked.
“I know, I'm just sorry that things didn't work out for us.” I stated, as I looked up at him and into his deep, chocolate eyes.
“It's alright, Cathy. I just have to hope that now you'll allow me to have a part in our son's life.” he said.
“Of course. I wanted you in his life from the beginning, but I couldn't get in touch with you.
“Thank you. I'm sorry if I'm intruding into your new life.” Jamie said, as he pulled away from our embrace.
“Your not intruding. I'm glad to have you back in my life. I really and truly mean that. Try as I might, I could never hate you or stop caring about you. I always wondered how you were and where you were.” I told him.
“Well, now you'll always know. I intend to be around for my son now.” Jamie said.
“Good, I know he'll like that.” I stated.
“When are you going to tell him?” he asked.
“Probably after we have dinner.” I replied, simply.
“Do you think he'll take it well?” Jamie asked.
“Well, I know he'll be happy, but he might get mad at me for not telling him about you sooner. He's a pretty smart kid and he's been asking a lot of questions lately.” I responded.
“I bet he takes after his mother.” Jamie said, as he gave me a huge grin.
“Sometimes, but he also carries many characteristics of his father.” I told him.
“Oh ,he better be careful not to make the same mistakes as his father.” he joked.
“That'll only get him in trouble.” I stated, as I played along with Jamie's joke.
“Get who in trouble?” James asked, as he walked into the room, followed by Elise.
“You.” I replied.
“Me? What did I do?” he questioned, his eyes wide with fear.
“Nothing, except of course being you.” I responded.
“Why would THAT get me in trouble?” James asked, obviously confused.
“James, there's someone you need to meet.” I said.
“Who?' James asked, as he looked around the room.
“Jamie.” I responded.
“But Mom, I already met him after my guitar lesson.” he stated.
“Yes, but James, Jamie isn't just a friend of mine for you to meet as I had said earlier.” I told him.
“Well, then who is he?” he asked.
I looked at Jamie. He gave me a reassuring smile. I knew he wanted me to tell him. I also knew I had to tell him. I was simply afraid of the reaction James may have. James tended to overreact sometimes, and he was still a kid. I didn't want to upset him, but he had to know Jamie was his father. It wasn't fair to either of them if I continued the lie. I looked over at Elise standing in the doorway, and her supporting smile gave me the strength to do what I had to.
“James, Jamie is your father.” I responded.
“What do you mean?” James asked, as he looked between Jamie and me.
“She means just what she said, I'm your dad.” Jamie said, saving me from having to answer James frantic question.
“You can't be! I don't have a dad! I never have!” James yelled. James anger scared me. I had seen him have many emotions, but this sudden display of anger was something I had never seen. James was an emotional kid, but usually very soft spoken.
“James, please calm down. It's okay.” Elise interjected.
“Why? Why didn't she tell me? I asked about my father and she never told me!” James yelled.
“James, I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want to get your hopes up. I honestly, didn't think I'd ever see Jamie again.” I said, as I knelt down in front of James to be at eye level.
“Mom, you still could have told me!” James yelled, causing me to flinch a little.
“James, don't blame your mother, it's my fault.” Jamie chimed in.
“Why isn't it her fault? She never told me! She probably never even told you about me!” James responded, angrily. He was hurting me more than he could possibly know. He had been my life for the last eight years, so these comments hurt me deeply.
“James, your mother tried to get me into your life before you were even born. I ignored every message she sent me. Your mother loves you, and all she wants is for you to be happy. I think the reason she never told you about me, is because I didn't respond. She didn't think I wanted any part of you, and she didn't want you to get hurt.” Jamie said.
“Did you?” James asked.
“Had I answered your mother's calls and found out about you, yes. But, I didn't know about
you. I didn't want to talk to your mother after what I did to her, that's why I didn't answer any of her calls or messages.” Jamie replied.
“Don't worry about that though, it's in the past. Jamie and I are friends now. What happened back then doesn't matter now, James.” I told him, patting his head.
“So are you going to be in my life now, or are you going to leave now that you met me?” James asked, staring at Jamie. For an eight year old, the venom behind his voice was shocking.
“James, that's uncalled for!” Elise scolded.
“Mama, I want to know.” James said.
“Elise, he has a right to know. “I'll answer him. James I want to have a part in your life now. However, that's a decision is not only mine to make. Your mothers need to discuss it and decide if they want me in your life after all these years. You also need to decide if you want me in your life.” Jamie responded.
“I'll think about it.” James said, coldly, before running out of the room. I could only assume he ran up to his room.
