The Wizard&I

So, I got my hair cut yesterday. They cut 12 inches off, and I couldn't even donate it. Why you may ask? Because I had my hair highlighted and they do not take hair with dye in it. So my hair went from my butt to just below my shoulders. I love it, and alot of my coworkers told me it makes me look older, more my age. That's what I was aiming for. I was sick of people telling me I looked like I was 12. It's amazing how much a haircut can change that.

Anyway, Sami&I made up. Though he still frustrates me sometimes. He's still being promiscuous. In fact, yesterday he told me that he likes this girl who graduated with us' boyfriend. He told me the boyfriend wants to get with him, and that the girl is okay with it. I personally, still don't think that's right. I would never want to be a relationship on the side. That could just be me though. Anyway, we made up and the trip is back on, though it's shortened. Instead of Friday-Monday, we are going Saturday morning and coming home Sunday night after pride. Cait told me she cannot wait to play with my hair. Woohoo!

Another Day

So i'm beyond pissed. You know the trip that i've been planning for weeks and have been so excited for? It's most likely not happening now! Why? Sami! Sami has to be an idiot. I hate him right now.

He ims me today and says that he doesn't think he's going. When I asked why he says because it messes with decko, which is the gay club he goes to on friday nights. This pisses me off. We've planned this the last 4 weeks. He knew how excited i've been since it's all i've talked about. So then I said, well if we have to ill leave saturday i jsut dont want to leave late on saturday. Then he gave me this attitude about how Sunday is only the pride rally, and all this other crap. He was bascially jsut making excuses on why he didn't want to go. He went as far as to say " I didn't MAKE you ask off of work, YOU did that yourself." How the hell else were we supposed to go if I didn't request off work?

Then he tried to tell me that the original plan was to go sunday and monday. NOT Friday-Monday. Now, we tlaked about it with Cait and Matteo, and Cait&Matteo both heard the same thing i did, which was Friday-Monday. We were planning to do the same thing we did for Asbury Pride, which was when Cait&Matteo came here Friday-Sunday. Plus we planned to add Monday on since it'd be summer.

I flipped out. I told Sami that if he really didn't want to go that bad, then don't go. Then I told him to fuck it. He told em not to yell at him. HOW am I not supposed to yell at him, when he ruined my plans to go to some club, and be slutty with a shit-load of guys. That's obviously what's most important to him! He can't miss the club for one night to be with us. Oh no! That's too easy. It really angers me. I obviously know how much my friendship means to him. i'm jsut very upset and angry.

I was looking forward tot his trip so much. I got 5 days off work. I was excited to go see Matteo&Cait. i was going to get my hair done, up there. We were all going to have one big sleepover. We were going to all go to Pride together. It was going to be so much fun. Now i'm stuck with 5 days off, scouring for plans so i don't waste all the days i'm not getting paid for. The thing that angers me most is he knew how much all 3 of us were looking forward to this, not just me and he let us all down. Plus, he told me on such short notice. If he would have told me this last week, then I could have gotten my friend Ricky to come with me, but it's too short notice and now Ricky has to work. AHHHHH!!!!

Life is a Cabaret

Ok, so yesterday was interesting. I took my car with my dad to get new brakes. Then I decided that i needed to go to the doctor because my ears really hurt. Good thing, because apparently I had an ear infection in both ears. No wonder my ears hurt all wed. night. Anyway after that i slept for 3 hours.

Last night, is what I found most interesting. One of my exes who I haven't spoken to in a long time imed me. It was interesting because we talked like we had never lost touch. It made me think alot. It made me realize that my breakup with Ariel was the first time that I really had a bad breakup. All my other exes and I are still friends and still talk. How is it that the girl that I was with the longest, and that should have known me best is the one who I will probably never speak to again? 9 months and I doubt there will ever be a friendship there. Yet, all these other exes and I are friends. I'm even talking to the one who imed me last night now. She's going to join rainbow alliance next year and such. It's just so crazy that i can remain friends with most of my exes, yet as I said it baffles my mind that the one who should know me most, is the one who I am not friends with. She's the one who hurt me the most. That was all I thought about last night.

I'm sure you are all probably sick of hearing about Ariel, but I just can't help it. It's something that took up almost a year of my life and I really am struggling to get over it, as much as I say I'm over it.

Dark Blue

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few days and I'm having like blog withdrawl. It's been a heatwave here in NJ. Ridiculous temperatures, and humidity like you wouldn't believe. I went to my voice lesson yesterday and realized exactly how hard it is to sing in this heat if you aren't in air conditioning. That was a challenge.

Anyway, I'm extremely excited. I realized that NY Pride is basically like a week away. This time next week, I will be packing to stay at Matteo's house from Friday-Monday. I still have to talk to Sami and figure out the details. He's supposed to be driving up north, but if his brother continues to steal his car I might end up driving. Initially I thought this would be a problem since my car needs new brakes, but my mom and i are taking it for new brakes tomorrow. So i'm extremely excited.

If I do not get my hair cut before I go to Matteo's I think I'm going to get it down up there. Matteo and Cait have told me that where Cait goes they are really good with hair. I want a change. My hair is down to my butt right now, and I don't really like it. It makes me feel like a kid, and makes me look like one too. I want it shorter and in a more mature cut. I don't want ti extremely short, as it's thick and would probably come out looking like a lions mane if it was too short. So I'm thinking either my mid back or my shoulder. I also want layers and to see if they can use thinning scissors and thin my hair out a bit.

I have some pretty pointless blog entries, but here is some venting now. So Sami worries me sometimes. Since him and Matt broke up he's been so unpredictable. He'll be fine and then he'll be crying and i understand. We understand eachother best since we have both been going through a long term breakup at the same time. Yet, he's handling it so different than me. It worries me because where I think I just want to be single awhile and have been just flirting and letting loose, he is being really promiscuous. I don't even know how many guys he's been with. Now, he's asking me what he should do because now he really likes this one guy, and I don't really know what to tell him. He is freaking out because the guy he really likes wants him to visit on Thursday and tonight he's supposed to go stay with this other guy and have sex. I honestly don't know what to tell him, it's not my decision. It's his decision to make. That's what I did tell him. Seeing him like this, makes me glad that i handled my situation the way I did, because if I did what he did, I'd probably be having a complete nervous breakdown right now, because I can't handle things like that as easily as he can.

Video....the gay germ

Reading my friend's blog gave me the idea to share this video with you. I may write an entry in reference to what this video brings up later, when I get home from work.

Mama Who Bore Me

So i did alot of thinking last night. I got home from work and had to babysit my nephew. This of course had me thinking alot. I really do want kids. At work the weekend pharmacist and I were discussing this. She asked me how I know I want kids? She said she never has wanted kids. I told her that from the time I was a little girl I always wanted kids. I told her that I used to carry my dolls around like babies and I just had always wanted kids. I love taking care of them. She told me she was never like that, and that it made sense now. She tends to group gay people into a category. She knows I'm a lesbian. There was another tech who used to work with us who was gay, and he never wanted kids. So she had this notion that most gay people didn't. So it surprised her when I told her that I wanted kids. I explained to her that alot of my gay and lesbian friends also want kids. I was like "It depends on the person."

Anyway, this whole conversation got me thinking last night. It kind of scares me. I am determined to have a kid by the time I'm thirty. I don't care if I'm raising the kid alone or with Ricky. I just don't want to not have atleast 1 child. I've dreamed of having kids my whole life and I don't want anything to stop that. I don't care what my father says about the church and having a child out of wedlock, or in vitro. It's not his decision. It's mine. He'll never agree with half of the things in my life. Such as, if i want to marry or in this state get a civil union, he claims he wouldn't be there. Now, that hurts me. I'm a daddy's girl and the fact that I always dreamed of him being at my wedding and he tells me flat out he won't be because it's to a woman, well that upsets me more than I'll ever let him know. Anyway, back on the subject. I really do want kids, and I'm not letting anything stop me. Holding my nephew yesterday and playing with him, really made me feel that need intensified.

On another note, I really think I need to see Spring Awakening again. I've been singing the songs at my voice lessons and even my voice teacher wants to go see it when i go. The thing is I need to save money for when I see it. We may be doing student rush seats and on stage seats which are 26 and 40 dollars, but still being in NY all day, you need to have some money on you. I also need to figure out how many people are going to go, and how everyone is getting there. I don't drive but if we get two people who will drive into NY, it would be cheaper than taking a train or bus and quicker. I also am in charge of planning a trip to see RENT, since it closes in September and almost all my friends want to see if before it closes. I get put in charge of so much, I don't know why because i'm sure a few of my friends could organize things just as well.

Strawberry Lake

Okay, so last night was pretty crazy. I only hope Sami isn't made at me. He wanted me to go to Decko, which is this gay club he's been going to and just got a job promoting. The thing is I've had this discussion with my mom and she really doesn't want me going. She told me she can't stop me because I'm 19, and an adult, but she really doesn't want me to go. So she kind of guilted me into not going last time. Now this time I was going to go if Ricky went. Then I got a text while I was at work yesterday from Ricky saying his recital was last night and he wanted me to go. I had promised him I would awhile ago. Ricky has done a musical theatre class at a dance school all year and has told me all about it. So i went and picked up his friend Opal (who I have a crush on, but she has a b/f) and we went to the show. We sat through a bunch of little kids dancing, as we waited to see Ricky. Finally at the end of the first half of the recital his musical theatre group came out. They did Annie in 20 minutes, and he was Rooster. It was awesome! So, me being me is excited because afterwards I decided that I'm going to do it with Ricky next year. It's $50 a month, for an hour class a week. So that comes out to $50 a month for 6 classes a month. It's all year. They do two recitals, though the winter one is much smaller than the summer. I'm so excited. The school is a half hour away from me on the parkway, but I don't care. It's really not that far and i drive there often anyway to see Ricky. So it's like nothing for me. So i'm extremely excited about that.

So then, I had a confusing conversation. Ricky and i had decided awhile ago that if we both turned 30, and we weren't in a long term relationship, that we were going to move in together and adopt or have a kid together. We'd basically have an asexual relationships, since we're both gay and can't even picture having sex with eachother. So that's not a problem. The crazy thing is we went to Applebee's after walking the boardwalk in Ocean Grove for a little while, and we discussed this in depth. We talked about names. We also both could see it. It creeped me out because I have never pictured myself older with a guy before. So it slightly confused me, but I'm hoping it's only because we were talking about it.

Ricky&I have always joked about how if we were straight we'd be the perfect soulmates. We even eachother out perfectly. We have similiarities that make us great, but at the same time we have differences that balance us out. We always talk to eachother if we have a problem, regardless of the time of night. When Ariel and I fought and then broke up, he called me at 11:30 at night and was ready to come to my house if I needed him. We are eachother's biggest support system. Especially when Jessi is away at school. Him and Jessi are my two biggest rocks. So the entire conversation last night has only confused me.

Waterfall

So yesterday was interesting. Rainbow Alliance was nice. Sue, my ex and I talked. We kept smiling at eachother and I realized how much I missed her. I ruined such a good thing for Ariel. Ariel pushed me to break up with Sue because Ariel wanted me back. She pushed me to dump Sue when Sue's grandma had just. I had to have been a horrible person to listen to Ariel and do it. Now, I never expected after hurting Sue that way, and then not talking to her for months, that Sue would ever want me back. Well, I drove Sue to her car since it was on the other side of the campus parking lot and it was like before Ariel messed my life up. Sue got out of my car, and then came back to tell me she really wants to hang out this weekend.

Well, apparently my phone turned itself off some point after the meeting. Sue left em a voicemail sometime after the meeting. She told me that she missed me and that she wanted me back. She told me that I could take this however I wanted, but she wanted to get this out there. Now, I'm shocked but happy. I really didn't expect her to want me back after I hurt her and was so stupid. I definately would love to get back with her, I had ruined such a good thing for Ariel who only played with me in a total of 9 months. So I'm hoping that this works out for awhile. We'll see.

Anyway, last night I went to a psychic at the local coffeehouse with some friends. Some of the stuff she said, didn't make sense. Such as the first thing which was "Who is Larry?" I know no one by the name of Larry so this really made. The only thing from the general reading that made sense to me was when she brought up a widowed woman that I was close with. My coworker, Margaret is a newly widowed woman within the last year and I'm extremely close to Margaret. I call Margaret my Pharmacy mommy.

Then I asked the psychic for more specific things, such as school and relationships. Well, with school she told me alot. First she told me she saw some medical problems surrounding me. This was a bit scary to me. Then she went on to tell me it involved my stomach. She said that when i get stressed out, the stress goes right to my stomach, which is exactly what happens. She told me I need to learn to control this, and stop worrying. She told em I shouldn't worry because I'm a good student and do well and have always done well. This is the truth, and it shocked me she keyed into this stuff all. I was kind of scared by how accurate this part was. She also told me I do so well because I know how my brain works. She told me it works in a weird way, but that I don't let it stop me. Which, is true. She said I can jump constantly back and forth between the creative hemisphere of my brain to the other hemisphere with no problems, where most people stick with one side at a time, and tend to sue one side more. Then she told me that I'm going to be a LAWYER. The thing is, I haven't been too sure whether I wanted to go to law school or whether I wanted to get a masters in political science. That shocked me too. The scary thing is she told me I need to learn how to manage my stress or I will completely fall apart after law school from all the stress.

Thens he moved on to my relationships. She told em there was a love interest, but not to get involved because it was over and wouldn't work out. Now, I'm wondering if this could be the girl that I met at Pride this weekend, or if this is Sue. It could be either. She also told me the name Daniel, which right now means nothing. Unless somehow it keyed into Ariel. Because right after that she told me I just got out of a relationship and am still not fully over it. She told me I won't be over it for awhile. She said I'm going to still secretly be liking her for awhile. Then she told me that she sees a married woman. I didn't know anything about it so she told me I'd meet this woman in the next year. She would be in the medical field, maybe a nurse. She warned me not to get involved because she told me she saw it ending in disaster. This was interesting, but I don't know anything about it and i don't think I'd get myself involved with something like that. After that the timer went off and she told me that she didn't see me meeting anyone else until November.

So that was my interesting day. I don't know what to make of it. I'm still going to get back with Sue I think. I can't let what one psychic said run my life. I still have to make my own choices. I just think the entire school section hit the nail over the head. That was probably the part that I was amazed at the most.

In The End

So today is going to prove interesting. I have a meeting at student life in an hour with Rainbow Alliance. My ex is now president and i'm vice president. I just spoke to her on the phone for about an hour. I missed talking to her. See, when I was with Ariel, I was afraid to talk to Sue because I was afraid Ariel would get jealous. Judging by what Ariel and I fought about before we broke up after 9 months, I know that she was indeed jealous of Sue.

In a way, I'm glad to be done with Ariel. I'm not worrying about how I act anymore. When I was with Ariel, I was afraid to be myself. She wanted me to be mature, and she wanted a serious relationship, though she was only 17 when we started dating. She got jealous easily. She just made my life hell. Now I can be myself, and I feel relieved. I can talk to Sue again, I can just be me, and it feels amazing.

I'm pissed at itunes and my laptop right now. My friend brought over a cd yesterday with 187 songs he wants me to listen to. I tried to put it on itunes, but it didn't work initially because i didn't save the files to my computer. Now i did, and i'm supposed to reclick each song individually to put them into itunes. THAT is a pain in the butt. I'm pissed and refuse to do it right this second. Yeah ,this is my morning blog. I may post more later, but right now i have to get my butt moving and ready.

My Beautiful Rescue

So,to start my first blog entry, I am going to talk about my wonderful weekend. It started out on friday. My friend Matteo came from up in northern NJ, and brought his best friend Cait along. He stayed at my house and Cait stayed at Sami's friday night. It was 2 sets of best friends the entire weekend. We nicknamed ourselves the fab 4, since together we had so much fun and so many laughs. It's funny because Sami&Matteo are both gay, and Cait&I are both lesbians. There are alot of paralells between us.

Anyway, Friday night Cait&Matteo came back to my house while Sami went to a gay club with out other friends. Cait and Matteo are only 16 and 17, so they weren't able to get in. I offered to stay with them since I had work early Saturday. So we ended up watching PS I Love You, which by the way is the cutest and sweetest movie . I love it. Then we proceeded to watch Imagine Me&You, but all fell asleep. We all awoke at 3am when Sami came to pick Cait up.

Interesting story. Sami was high, because he was on ecstasy and didn't even know it. Apparently, our friend Amanda, who apparently does alot of things i'd rather not know about, had snorted ecstasy earlier in the night. He shared water with her, and apparently that is how he ended up getting some ecstasy in his system. I personally hate drugs and didn't find this funny at all, though everyone else did.

Saturday, after i got off work we went to outback. We got the bitchiest waitress ever. First of all, we're all under 21, and can't drink. So Sami orders a water and she goes "Ok...a corona!" and we alls tart laughing. She goes "What's so funny about water?" and Sami, being himself, plays it off. "Oh, well you see, I ordered water and i'm a alcoholic. I had a little too much to drink at the club last night, and theyt hink it's funny you jsut offered me beer." It was definately amusing. The thing is, she kept coming over to our table, not saying anything then leaving. She also kept telling us to hold on, even when we weren't even asking or saying anything to her. She was just mean and gave us an attitude the whole time. After that we went to Point Pleasant so that we could let Cait&Matteo walk on the beach and the jetty. It was fun, and there was alot of talking and jsut relaxation.

Then Sunday, we all were supposed to get up and go to Gay Pride in Asbury. However, Cait and Matteo had to skip out to go home since they had school the next day. Sami and I still went, and we met up with my friend Ricky and 2 of his friends. One was a lesbian, and the other bi. They both liked me, and flirted with me. It was kinda funny. However, the bi girl, has a b/f. To me that's a bummer since I liked her best. However, we still have been flirting like crazy. However, the other girl, Ebony, and I are supposed to go on a date. We'll see what happens, she isn't really my type.

So this weekend was jsut all around exciting. However, the best moment was on Monday night. Sami, my friends Bree, Jaimie and I all went to Ocean Grove to go to the beach there. We met up with Ricky, and Opal (the bi girl) since they live close by there. We were all laying on the pier, star gazing, when Sami got up. Next thing I know Ricky says "Guys, Sami's in his boxers." so we all sit up of course, wondering what the hell he is doing. Next thing we know he pulls his boxers off and streaks down tot he end of the pier. I had to laugh ,and roll my eyes. This is something only Sami would do. Then, Opal, who had been cuddling with me, gets up and grabs his pants and puts them on. Mind you, she's super tiny and he's tall and muscular. It was funny. To make it funnier, he comes back and starts putting his clothes back on and goes "Guys where the hell are my pants?" and it took him a whole 3 minutes to realize Opal was attempting to wear them. They wrestled for the pants. It was fun. After that the ngiht was pretty mellow, but it was definately a fun night.

This is my first blog entry. Enjoy.