NOW WE'RE GOING NOWHERE IN TIME

So, it's almost Christmas and the New Year. It's crazy how much changes in a year. I mean, if you asked me about this time last year who would be and wouldn't be in my life I wouldn't have guessed things to be as they are now. I'm not happy with all of it either, but I like to think that most of it isn't my fault. Though, of course I don't always believe that because I tend to overthink things. I can't really help that though, it comes with paranoia and everything else. Yet, one thing I know is that those still in my life, however few and far between they are, are amazing people and have truly been the biggest supporters of my life and that Doctor Who is something that was brought into my life when I needed something uplifting most to keep me from going over the edge and slipping back to the depression I was in almost a year 1/2 ago. Sure, I still get depressed, it doesn't go away, but a major episode hasn't happened in such a long time because I have had some amazing people and things to keep me from it. I'd like to think I've handled events of this past year better than I could have, but I can't say I have no regrets. I just tend to push them away because they're not worth it. If it's not mutual regret or mutual missing, well then it doesn't matter because clearly I can't do anything about it. I just feel that I have to count my blessings.

Now, thinking on it. So much has happened that has truly uplifted me and made me appreciate life. First of all, Camp Sunshine. This was my first and hopefully not my last year volunteering there and I have to say they were probably five of the most rewarding and amazing days of my entire life. The people and kids I met there were amazing and I can only hope to see many of them back there again next year. These kids who almost lost their lives and fought for them and yet came out happier than anyone i've met in my life made such an impact on me. I mean, why should anyone be miserable and wish for death when here these kids could have lost it and had to fight for it? I know some people may not agree with that statement, but really I do. Life is fleeting and who knows it better than those children. Yet, there they were enjoying the life they had renewed. I hope every one of them stays in remission and I see them happy and healthy at camp once more.

Another thing that made me look at life differently is what happened to my 10 year old cousin. She was a typical, healthy 10 year old and within hours she went from being the crazy, hyper, happy 10 year old I knew and loved to a child stuck in a bed. My aunt and uncle were told it was likely they'd lose her. Yet, she's alive and well now and fought hard to be okay. She had a rare brain parasite that kills a majority of people, but she survived and is lucky to have survived. To me that is a miracle and yet again gives me an appreciation for life like no other. My entire family was in chaos just praying and hoping for a miracle. When someone so young and so vibrant is sick and has the possibility of death it really helps you to see life as something precious and now I try to remember that the moment I feel I'm taking things for granted. I don't want to take anything for granted anymore.

So many people take life for granted and people in their lives for granted. I wish they didn't and I could say differently, but it's the truth. I wish that I myself didn't do that, but even I am guilty of this. Now, well there's people in my life I miss, and well I wonder if they miss me, but I can't be bothered. I need to focus on those who show they care and return the feelings. If they miss me and I miss them we talk. Those are the people I need to focus on. I can't take anyone for granted anymore because who knows what's going to happen? That's what both camp and my cousin showed me. Hearing my kids at camps stories and my cousin's situation, well they demonstrated to me what could happen and so I hope I never take life or anyone for granted ever again.

As for anyone who reads this, I'd suggest you at least make sure those you care about know you love them and care. You never know what's going to happen. You may never get the opportunity again and even if you have, it's always good to know. Sometimes a simple statement like that can make someone's day. You never know, but my biggest advice this holiday season is to cherish those you love, and make sure they know how much you care. :D

It Dropped So Low

I'm finding that with classes I'm understanding and loving things that I never did in high school or before now. One of the poems I came to love this semester is by Emily Dickinson, who I never really appreciated before my amazing professor, Dr. Bordelon, made me understand her poems much better.So, I'm going to place my favorite Emily Dickinson poem here because I have really come to understand it.

It dropped so low-- in my Regard
I heard it hit the Ground--
And go to pieces on the Stones
At the bottom of my Mind--

Yet blamed the Fate that flung it -- less
Than I reviled Myself,
For entertaining Plated Wares
Upon my Silver Shelf--

This poem is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. For one I can relate to it. For another I was actually able to interpret it with my professor in class. I really do enjoy it and I love that Dickinson can make so few words hold such high meaning.