I am Undiscovered

Okay, so with all the negativity, I decided to post a positive. I decided to give some credit and shout outs to some people who have really stuck out to me lately and helped me. Kamali and I had a long talk yesterday and it left me thinking and so I decided on a good entry I would do this. I apologize because this certainly isn't everyone and I don't have much time, but I'm going to do some positives. Some people in this might not even see this, but that doesn't matter.

First off EVERYONE at Camp Sunshine. I don't need to elaborate much because I already wrote a blog specifically about Camp Sunshine and it's impact on me. Everyone I met there has made my life so much better and I hope to see them again next year. It's my happy place and I cannot wait to return.

Then, well let me do this sort of chronologically now with four people I really want to talk about. I'm going to do it in the order I met them.

Amy: Okay, I've known you FOREVER. Since 7th grade, and you're actually probably the friend I've had the longest and whose been truest to me. You've been there for me a lot lately, always checking in and sitting and talking with me. You never judge me or have anything negative to say. You're attentive and you listen. Everything you do, you mean well and you help. You really have been a true friend, even if we had our differences back in high school. High school is when the drama occurs though and well I still learned that you were a true friend, unlike others I was closer to in high school. :D I thank you for that. I only hope I can do just as much for you.

Kamali: Of course Kamali is going to be on here. I don't want to ramble too much, because I could say a lot about her, but she probably knows every damn thing about me. We've stayed up until 5-6am sleeping over one another's houses just talking about life. She's one of the few people I feel I can truly talk to about anything and everything. She'll be blunt if I'm being stupid, and sometimes I need that. She doesn't take shit and I can keep going. She's been there and gone through some of the same issues with certain people I have. We have so much in common and I live for every time we hang out because I feel so alive and good. Wed. study days are my life right now because even if I'm doing schoolwork we're still together doing it.

Erin: My cupid. I met you through Kamali and originally just as an rp friend, but clearly you've become so much more than that. You became a best friend, and then somehow I fell in love. I called you cupid once I started having those feelings and it only blossomed from there. It's almost two months and I couldn't be happier. You make me smile when no one else can and you're there for me always. I only hope I'm there for you just as much. We didn't say I love you right away because we wanted to make sure we were ready and it really was meant. I'm glad for that because it really shows how serious and how much you care. You're not like anyone else I've been with and I never want to lose you. I know no matter what happens we'll always be in each other's lives. Winter break is going to be amazing. I cannot wait for you to come here and to show you certain places and things. I love you.

Last but certainly not least, Kelly: You are just amazing to me. You have been so supportive and loving. Our phone dates are something I look forward to so we can talk about important things and silly things. You know I'm always here for you and I know I can count on you for the same. I wish you lived closer so we could hug when we really want to, which seems to be a lot lately. You need to get a webcam besides your mic so we can REALLY skype-skype! You have made things so much better recently and I wouldn't trade any of our talks for the world. You just amaze me sometimes with how you handle things. Despite having clinical depression you do a REALLY amazing job at handling things when I've seen others go completely bonkers because of it. I love you and I appreciate everything you do. You're a true best friend, Kel-Bel! (totally wanted to say mate there, think all our HP talk and charries are getting to me? lolz).

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to run out to work anyway, so I don't have time to say more if I wanted to. I just wanted to write a positive little blurb about what I've appreciated lately after a talk with Kamali reminded me. :D So there's that.

If this is what you think is honest

Okay, so I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry if everything came across wrong. I was upset and I've been upset along time about all of what I said. It's been bothering me despite promises nothing was changing. It did and it has. I still love you and I still feel as I always have, but it's really hard to believe the same when it hasn't been shown for awhile now. Yes, I feel replaced, yes I feel unneeded, yes I feel paranoid and I have for a long time. I've had so many freak outs and breakdowns because of that. i just don't understand how someone can be called a best friend, and yet you don't talk to them and don't even try. To me a best friend has been someone that's always there, that can be relied upon and you can count on. However, I can't give that to someone if they don't let me. You let me in the past. Talking 24/7, it being completely weird and freaky when we didn't. Yet, suddenly it seemed none of that mattered. One person did, and whenever that person didn't talk to you, it was all over facebook. I'm not jealous, I'm just saying this only fueled my feelings of replacement and why I don't understand how I can be a best friend, when outwardly it seems almost like you don't care. Maybe it's wrong to say that, but we went from 24/7 talking to awkwardness and weirdness. I had always been there, you and I used to talk like there was no tomorrow until we fell asleep on one or the other. We used to be able to talk about everything, without awkwardness. Now it seems everytime we've spoken there's been just that, awkwardness. I don't want that. I want my sissy back. I want the girl who has been my best friend. I want to talk like we used to. However, it just seems like everytime I've tried I've been brushed off or something has been different. So, in my paranoia I decided I wasn't talking to anyone unless they talked to me first, because well this would show who truly wanted me around. Yet, who wasn't talking to me then? Yes, when we talked of it I said I'd try not to do that, but for me it doesn't always work when my mind is freaking out still. I'm sorry if this sounds wrong, but I just felt a need to explain why I've been upset and why it hurts so much. Maybe this ramble isn't doing a good job. I don't know. All I know is I've been feeling like crap and like I've been losing you for a long time now, despite promises. Promises that now seem like maybe they weren't happening because I don't feel like we were both trying. It could be my fault too, paranoia and hurt causing me to push back, but this is how I've been feeling. It hurts too, because I feel like there's no trying to fix it when that's all I want. I've cried because all I want is my sister back. This sucks, it really does. But if things are going to keep going this way, I don't want to hurt anymore because of this feeling of uselessness, unneededness, hurtfulness and anxiety over it, so if it keeps going this way maybe it is better. I know you say it sucks, well we can fix it, but I can't fix it alone. I needed time to cool off, I got off msn and did schoolwork and worked on a post. I was on all yesterday. I'm still here, but that doesn't matter if we don't talk and both try. I know what I want, but do you know what you do? I can't tell anymore. I'm not trying to be mean. I love you, I do. I've just been really hurt and this is the correlation of everything I've been feeling so long, but with the awkwardness I've been afraid to talk to you about it. I've been afraid I'd set you off or make you feel worse. That isn't my intention. My intention is to simply explain to you how I've been feeling. Why I said what I did the other night. I don't want to change my mind, I don't want to lose you, but sometimes I feel like it's already lost. I mean, how can we go from 24/7 talking to not talking? How does it work that way? I'm sorry, i love you, i do. I miss you too, but I don't know what to do here. Neither of us can fix this alone, and so if you want to fix it, I'll be here, if not, well I guess I'm letting go. It won't change how I feel and I'll always be here a call, im or text away, but I can't keep doing this. If we don't fix it I can't continuously go in this cycle and feel this way. Maybe it is me, maybe I just fuck up every friendship I have after a certain length of time if something goes wrong, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I would have fought to keep this from happening. I just couldn't do much alone. I don't even know if this makes any sense. All I know is I had to write this, because I've been depressed since our little "conversation" and I haven't known what to do. above all, I love you and that's why this hurts so much. I don't want to, nor do I like fighting with you and really I just want this fixed. I want nothing to change between us and I want things normal again. I'm just afraid. Afraid of how you'll take this now that I'm finally putting it out here and afraid of what happens next. I just wasn't sure what to do and this, well, was an option. I've been too afraid to say all this to you and upset you. I always put others first and so I've held this all in for so long, but I can't anymore. So, here's this. I hope you know I love you more than anything, to infinity and beyond. You're still my sissy and woody and always will be, but what happens next depends on what you want. I know what I do and I've said it countless times already. I love you, and I'll be here.