So, I thought the last time I mentioned Ariel would be in my last entry, but I thought wrong. I was finally letting go. Hopefully, it will be tonight. I deleted her off aim. Was erasing all ties I had to her. All I had left to do was delete her off facebook. I thought that'd be as easy as everything else was. As sad as it was to delete everything else. It was also relieving and exhilarating. I was ending something that had been bringing me nothing but pain lately.
Well, deleting her off facebook hurt more than it has seemed to help me so far. I didn't really know how to delete a friend on facebook, so I clicked on her page thinking I had to go on her page to delete it. Well, as i looked for a delete button, I saw a comment I really didn't need to see. She's been corresponding with this girl from Columbia University, and it looks like they have a date on Saturday. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I guess because it somehow makes me feel like she dumped me for someone smarter. It kind of hurt my self confidence. I had seen her communicating with this girl shrotly after we broke up and now it looks like she's dating her. It just, bothers me and I'm confused because I really don;t know why. i don't know why it made me cry. All I know is i did it. I deleted her off facebook and so I can no longer look at her page. As hurt and upset as i am over what i saw, I'm relieved, because maybe this is the alst time i'll be crying over something I saw since the breakup.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Here's To The Nights
So I realize i haven't blogged in awhile. This is pretty much going to be a nice blog for the msot part. Though, there are some confusing and angry things too. But for the most part I was on vacation, and had a pretty good vacation. I went to Philadelphia for two days. My cousins that I mentioned earlier, were up from Maryland the entire week and we had alot of things planned with them.
I had alot of fun with my cousins. I'm just so amazed. My aunt has 4 little girls, all pretty much a year apart. Katie is the oldest at 13, Megan is 12, Elise is 10 (almost 11) and Tara is 9. Each time I see them, which i basically twice a year, they get more and more mature. Katie amazed me more than any of them. She has matured alot, even since Thanksgiving. See all four of them, used to get bored so easily, and fight for attention. Now, at the bbq at my Uncle's I sat with Katie almost the entire night and just talked. This was the first time that I ever got to do that with any of them. Most of the time they'd get bored. To be able to do that with Katie was awesome, and it really showed me how much she has grown up. Here is my little cousin, who I used to have to play with in the basement, throwing balls around and other such things, holding an entire conversation for hours with me and my friend Brianna. That to me is awesome.
Then there is Elise. Elise amazed my entire family while we were there. She had stopped talking 2 years ago. No one really knew why. I thought someone had done something because she shyed away from everyone, but especially men. Last Thanksgiving, she was only speaking to her sisters, and parents. They didn't know if she was going to speak to any of her cousins, me included, or aunts and uncles. Well she spoke to me, and clung to me. When my dad or any of my uncles tried to say hi she hid behind me and latched on to me. That's why my family thought that something had happened. She has been going to a psychologist and everything and at first she didn't seem to get any better. Yet, she has and she talked my parents, brother and my ear off the entire vacation. She cried when we were leaving because she didn't want us to leave. That to me is a miracle. I'm so relieved that she is talking and acting like a normal 10 year old again.
On another note, I feel very proud of myself. i haven't looked at Ariel's facebook in over a week. I almost did today, but I stopped myself. I am taking Ricky's advice. He told me that i'll never get over her if I keep looking at her page and trying to see what her life is without me. He says i need to focus on me, and fully let myself live my life for me again and not think about her so much. So that's what I've been trying to do for the past week and so far it's been working well. I've actually been pretty content. I hung out in NY with Ricky all day Saturday and then we went back to his house, had dinner and played some guitar hero. It was just so nice to feel like myself again and realize that I really do need to get myself back on track without thinking of how it would be if we were still together. It feels good doing that. At the same time, I'm actually crying as i write this because i'm finally letting her go and as good as it feels it also makes me kind of sad. She was such a big part of my life, and it's sad to think of that being gone. Yet, at the same time I know it needs to be this way for right now.
Here's my rant of the night. Sami is pissing everyone off lately. All he's been doing is drinking himself into oblivion the past few weeks and its starting tog rate on everyone's nerves. My friend Amy has been depressed lately and she has her reasons. Her mom might have breast cancer, and her parents are going through a nasty divorce. Yet, i'm one of the only people who will actually listen to her. How does this come back to Sami? Well, she has tried to talk to him about this, because she considers him one of her best friends and what does he do...call her a drama queen and start talking about his breakup with Matt and how he's so depressed. As cruel as this sounds, he's been this way for 2 months now, and he won't even listen to anyone else's problems. Whenever they try to talk to him, he acts all woe is me my b/f dumped me and hates me. So it's really grating on everyone of my friends. Especially because all he's been doing is drinking himself into oblivion. I've sort of stopped caring, as horrible as that sounds. It's not like he's listened to me when I've tried tot ell him how unhealthy it is and how drinking his problem away isn't going to help. So I've stopped trying. I've also gotten sick of being the only one making any effort in our friendship, i'm the only one who plans when to hang out and he lives up the damn road. So i've stopped trying and obviosuly he doesn't care. I haven't seen or really heard from him in 2 weeks, which is when i stopped making the effort. What kind of friend is that? Anyway, that's my rant of the night.
I had alot of fun with my cousins. I'm just so amazed. My aunt has 4 little girls, all pretty much a year apart. Katie is the oldest at 13, Megan is 12, Elise is 10 (almost 11) and Tara is 9. Each time I see them, which i basically twice a year, they get more and more mature. Katie amazed me more than any of them. She has matured alot, even since Thanksgiving. See all four of them, used to get bored so easily, and fight for attention. Now, at the bbq at my Uncle's I sat with Katie almost the entire night and just talked. This was the first time that I ever got to do that with any of them. Most of the time they'd get bored. To be able to do that with Katie was awesome, and it really showed me how much she has grown up. Here is my little cousin, who I used to have to play with in the basement, throwing balls around and other such things, holding an entire conversation for hours with me and my friend Brianna. That to me is awesome.
Then there is Elise. Elise amazed my entire family while we were there. She had stopped talking 2 years ago. No one really knew why. I thought someone had done something because she shyed away from everyone, but especially men. Last Thanksgiving, she was only speaking to her sisters, and parents. They didn't know if she was going to speak to any of her cousins, me included, or aunts and uncles. Well she spoke to me, and clung to me. When my dad or any of my uncles tried to say hi she hid behind me and latched on to me. That's why my family thought that something had happened. She has been going to a psychologist and everything and at first she didn't seem to get any better. Yet, she has and she talked my parents, brother and my ear off the entire vacation. She cried when we were leaving because she didn't want us to leave. That to me is a miracle. I'm so relieved that she is talking and acting like a normal 10 year old again.
On another note, I feel very proud of myself. i haven't looked at Ariel's facebook in over a week. I almost did today, but I stopped myself. I am taking Ricky's advice. He told me that i'll never get over her if I keep looking at her page and trying to see what her life is without me. He says i need to focus on me, and fully let myself live my life for me again and not think about her so much. So that's what I've been trying to do for the past week and so far it's been working well. I've actually been pretty content. I hung out in NY with Ricky all day Saturday and then we went back to his house, had dinner and played some guitar hero. It was just so nice to feel like myself again and realize that I really do need to get myself back on track without thinking of how it would be if we were still together. It feels good doing that. At the same time, I'm actually crying as i write this because i'm finally letting her go and as good as it feels it also makes me kind of sad. She was such a big part of my life, and it's sad to think of that being gone. Yet, at the same time I know it needs to be this way for right now.
Here's my rant of the night. Sami is pissing everyone off lately. All he's been doing is drinking himself into oblivion the past few weeks and its starting tog rate on everyone's nerves. My friend Amy has been depressed lately and she has her reasons. Her mom might have breast cancer, and her parents are going through a nasty divorce. Yet, i'm one of the only people who will actually listen to her. How does this come back to Sami? Well, she has tried to talk to him about this, because she considers him one of her best friends and what does he do...call her a drama queen and start talking about his breakup with Matt and how he's so depressed. As cruel as this sounds, he's been this way for 2 months now, and he won't even listen to anyone else's problems. Whenever they try to talk to him, he acts all woe is me my b/f dumped me and hates me. So it's really grating on everyone of my friends. Especially because all he's been doing is drinking himself into oblivion. I've sort of stopped caring, as horrible as that sounds. It's not like he's listened to me when I've tried tot ell him how unhealthy it is and how drinking his problem away isn't going to help. So I've stopped trying. I've also gotten sick of being the only one making any effort in our friendship, i'm the only one who plans when to hang out and he lives up the damn road. So i've stopped trying and obviosuly he doesn't care. I haven't seen or really heard from him in 2 weeks, which is when i stopped making the effort. What kind of friend is that? Anyway, that's my rant of the night.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sweet Child
So Saturday I went to see The Little Mermaid on broadway with my 2 cousins. Madison is 7, and she loved it. She kept gripping my arm and squeezing, never taking her eyes off the stage. I was so happy. Stacie, my 30 year old cousin, is Madison's godmother, and she was with us also. It was nice to have a day alone with Madison. Her sister, Genevieve, is my goddaughter and she is only 2, so whenever its her and Madison, Genevieve tends to steal alot of attention. Madison, is very good about it though. She takes care of Genevieve alot. It still was nice to take Madison somewhere alone and get some one on one time with her. She was so excited for it. She enjoyed it too, she wanted to do everything Stacie and I did. It was cute.
Then Sunday, I did nothing for the most part. I slept, and caught up on the sleep I had missed sleeping over Stacie's house. Then Sunday night I went to Amy's house. We went to Ben&Jerry's and I tried their new cake batter ice cream, which was amazing. I <3'ed it. Then we proceeded to watch some BARE.
Yesterday, I had a good day, as much as I was grumpy in the morning. I had to wake up early to leave for Philadelphia. We met at my grandma in Philly's house to go to Peddler's Village with almost my whole Dad's side. There were 14 of us total. I got to walk around with my 4 little cousins. My cousin Elise shocked everyone by talking our ears off.
You see, 2 years ago Elise just stopped talking suddenly. She was fine one day and the next she refused to talk to her family or anyone. They took her to a bunch of doctors and it was nothing physical. She's been going to a psychologist/specialist in Baltimore since then. She is apparently doing much better. She just doesn't take well to stranger, but she has been and continues to talk to her family now. It took 2 years to get her back to this point though, because even the last time I saw her on Thanksgiving she was very selective who she spoke to in the family. She wouldn't speak to my Dad or brother or any boys in the family. It was so nice to have her chatting my ear off and clinging to me, I was so glad.
It was a fun day. We all walked around Peddler's Village, shopping and chatting. I got to talk to my cousins, aunt and uncle who I don't see often. Then we all went to lunch at one of the restaurants there. It was a good day. I being the nerd i am, had to spend a decent amount of time in the book store. It was awesome, it was set up just like an old fashioned book store. I was in heaven. Then we went to this candy store and i got chocolate covered pretzels filled with peanut butter, they are so good.
Today has been a lounging day. I got very sick around midnight last night, and didn't sleep much as I was running in and out of my room most of the night. So today, has just been lounging in my bed and eating light to get food back in my stomach. Now, it's around time for the all star game to start, and as that happens I'll be baking my brownies and packing for the next two days.
Tomorrow we leave to go to Philadelphia again and we are staying overnight. Tomorrow we are going to this indoor waterpark by my Uncle's and then having a BBQ at his house afterwards for my grandmother's b-day. Then Thursday we are going to the Franklin Institute. That should be fun. The only thing i'm worried about is my cousin Jess. I see her maybe once a year, but me and her do not get along.
You see, when I was in 7th grade her and I had a bit of a fight. My friend Amy, and I were in a big fight, and she talked alot of shit about me to Amy. She told Amy that I was a horrible person, and I wasn't what her and our other cousin Laura, would call their favorite cousin, and that she hates seeing me because I'm annoying. Now I never did anything to this cousin. I was nothing but nice to her. Now, she didn't get punished or told that what she did was wrong. She never even apolegized. The excuse my grandma, uncle (her dad) and aunt give is "Well, she lives down in Georgia with her mother, we have no control over her." That's bullshit. If i had done that to ger, my parents never would have heard the end of that and I would have had to apolegize.
So she's coming up tomorrow. That is something I am dreading. I refuse to talk to her. The only time I have talked to her is briefly online to say happy birthday, and if she initiates conversation. The only time she ever initiates conversation is if I saw a movie or read a book she also liked. I just don't trust her and never will again.
Then Sunday, I did nothing for the most part. I slept, and caught up on the sleep I had missed sleeping over Stacie's house. Then Sunday night I went to Amy's house. We went to Ben&Jerry's and I tried their new cake batter ice cream, which was amazing. I <3'ed it. Then we proceeded to watch some BARE.
Yesterday, I had a good day, as much as I was grumpy in the morning. I had to wake up early to leave for Philadelphia. We met at my grandma in Philly's house to go to Peddler's Village with almost my whole Dad's side. There were 14 of us total. I got to walk around with my 4 little cousins. My cousin Elise shocked everyone by talking our ears off.
You see, 2 years ago Elise just stopped talking suddenly. She was fine one day and the next she refused to talk to her family or anyone. They took her to a bunch of doctors and it was nothing physical. She's been going to a psychologist/specialist in Baltimore since then. She is apparently doing much better. She just doesn't take well to stranger, but she has been and continues to talk to her family now. It took 2 years to get her back to this point though, because even the last time I saw her on Thanksgiving she was very selective who she spoke to in the family. She wouldn't speak to my Dad or brother or any boys in the family. It was so nice to have her chatting my ear off and clinging to me, I was so glad.
It was a fun day. We all walked around Peddler's Village, shopping and chatting. I got to talk to my cousins, aunt and uncle who I don't see often. Then we all went to lunch at one of the restaurants there. It was a good day. I being the nerd i am, had to spend a decent amount of time in the book store. It was awesome, it was set up just like an old fashioned book store. I was in heaven. Then we went to this candy store and i got chocolate covered pretzels filled with peanut butter, they are so good.
Today has been a lounging day. I got very sick around midnight last night, and didn't sleep much as I was running in and out of my room most of the night. So today, has just been lounging in my bed and eating light to get food back in my stomach. Now, it's around time for the all star game to start, and as that happens I'll be baking my brownies and packing for the next two days.
Tomorrow we leave to go to Philadelphia again and we are staying overnight. Tomorrow we are going to this indoor waterpark by my Uncle's and then having a BBQ at his house afterwards for my grandmother's b-day. Then Thursday we are going to the Franklin Institute. That should be fun. The only thing i'm worried about is my cousin Jess. I see her maybe once a year, but me and her do not get along.
You see, when I was in 7th grade her and I had a bit of a fight. My friend Amy, and I were in a big fight, and she talked alot of shit about me to Amy. She told Amy that I was a horrible person, and I wasn't what her and our other cousin Laura, would call their favorite cousin, and that she hates seeing me because I'm annoying. Now I never did anything to this cousin. I was nothing but nice to her. Now, she didn't get punished or told that what she did was wrong. She never even apolegized. The excuse my grandma, uncle (her dad) and aunt give is "Well, she lives down in Georgia with her mother, we have no control over her." That's bullshit. If i had done that to ger, my parents never would have heard the end of that and I would have had to apolegize.
So she's coming up tomorrow. That is something I am dreading. I refuse to talk to her. The only time I have talked to her is briefly online to say happy birthday, and if she initiates conversation. The only time she ever initiates conversation is if I saw a movie or read a book she also liked. I just don't trust her and never will again.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My Hopes Are So High
So tonight was interesting. I worked a short day, and went home. I expected to come home and just relax and rp as has become routine for me. Well, that didn't happen. Chas, my ex-boyfriend, who i dated for a year came over randomly. Now, he was my last ditch effort to try and be straight. He was amazing, and he came into my life when I was totally confused as to if i was just bi or maybe a lesbian. So it was hard. I loved him, just not in the way he loved me. It was hard because I didn't know how to tell him. I wasn't out yet, and so when I realized that I didn't like him like that, and finally came to terms with being a lesbian, I had nowhere to turn. So rather than explain things to him, I pushed him away, ignoring his calls and messages. I just didn't talk to him anymore.
Well, back in June,we started talking again online. It was mostly stupid stuff. I felt really awkward about the whole thing. I mean, I felt that I had treated him like garbage and hurt him. Which, to me was a horrible offense. I hate to hurt anyone, and we had been so close. Going out for a year, made our realtionship or more or less friendship irreplacable. Yet, our conversations had been very VERY awkward up to this point.
Well, today i get home from work and who is randomly at my house, but Chas. At first, the meeting was as awkward as our im conversations. But then he started teasing me, like we always used to and I went back at him. The ice was broken a bit. Well ,he ended up staying for dinner. My family loves him, and so dinner was fine. After dinner, my family left out, leaving me alone with Chas. Well, that's when things got a bit intense. We started talking. I blurted out an apology.
I forgot to mention how we got on the subject of our breakup. You see before my mom left, she asked if I wanted to go with them to my cousins wrestling match and I said "No, i'm going to stay and hang out with Chas." Well, that is all she needed to hear. The look she gave us, was one saying "get back together." You see, my mom still hasn't fully accepted me being gay. She tries to say she has, yet she still tries to push guys on me.
Anyway, Chas and I passed a glance when my mom gave us that look. We both knew what she was thinking. After my family left, we started laughing. He and I both thought it was ridiculous. He told me that he didn't care that I was gay. He said he actually knew it while we were going out. He said it didn't take alot to figure it out as I talked and looked at girls. He told me he still loved me, and that if I weren't gay he would date me again, but that he knows I am and he is happy for me and respects me just the same. He said he wants to make sure that things are okay between us. It relieved me to hear this. He made sure I knew that he didn't think I was a horrible person. He said he understood. Though, he did tell me he wished I was honest, because he said it would have been easier on us both.
That is the sum of our conversation. It as pretty amazing. We hung out the rest of the night, and it was just like old times. He told me I'm his best friend and that he's glad that we are close again, and that it's like we never stopped talking. I met this new girl he likes, and he asked my approval. It was amazing. Our friendship rekindled like we had never stopped talking. It feels good to know I have him as a friend, and a best friend at that. I hope that we remain friends, and that this night wasn't just one night of things being back to how they used to be.
On another note, here is a funny story from tonight:
When I was driving with Chas to the carnival, blasting my music with the windows down this girl pulled up next to me. I didn't think anything of it, just singing and dancing with Chas as we waited for the light to turn green. Well, next thing you know, I hear a horn honk, and the girl is waving at me. So i turn the music down. She smiled at me and yells "Nice rainbow!" referring to my gay pride air freshner. I smiled and said thanks, and she laughed. Then of course chas had to be the goof he is and yell "Yeah rainbows!" and I of course smacked him and told him to zip it. She just laughed. She was hott. So Chas goes on to tell me that he sees her at his job all the time and that she is a lesbian and he is vaguely knows her. That made my night.
Well, back in June,we started talking again online. It was mostly stupid stuff. I felt really awkward about the whole thing. I mean, I felt that I had treated him like garbage and hurt him. Which, to me was a horrible offense. I hate to hurt anyone, and we had been so close. Going out for a year, made our realtionship or more or less friendship irreplacable. Yet, our conversations had been very VERY awkward up to this point.
Well, today i get home from work and who is randomly at my house, but Chas. At first, the meeting was as awkward as our im conversations. But then he started teasing me, like we always used to and I went back at him. The ice was broken a bit. Well ,he ended up staying for dinner. My family loves him, and so dinner was fine. After dinner, my family left out, leaving me alone with Chas. Well, that's when things got a bit intense. We started talking. I blurted out an apology.
I forgot to mention how we got on the subject of our breakup. You see before my mom left, she asked if I wanted to go with them to my cousins wrestling match and I said "No, i'm going to stay and hang out with Chas." Well, that is all she needed to hear. The look she gave us, was one saying "get back together." You see, my mom still hasn't fully accepted me being gay. She tries to say she has, yet she still tries to push guys on me.
Anyway, Chas and I passed a glance when my mom gave us that look. We both knew what she was thinking. After my family left, we started laughing. He and I both thought it was ridiculous. He told me that he didn't care that I was gay. He said he actually knew it while we were going out. He said it didn't take alot to figure it out as I talked and looked at girls. He told me he still loved me, and that if I weren't gay he would date me again, but that he knows I am and he is happy for me and respects me just the same. He said he wants to make sure that things are okay between us. It relieved me to hear this. He made sure I knew that he didn't think I was a horrible person. He said he understood. Though, he did tell me he wished I was honest, because he said it would have been easier on us both.
That is the sum of our conversation. It as pretty amazing. We hung out the rest of the night, and it was just like old times. He told me I'm his best friend and that he's glad that we are close again, and that it's like we never stopped talking. I met this new girl he likes, and he asked my approval. It was amazing. Our friendship rekindled like we had never stopped talking. It feels good to know I have him as a friend, and a best friend at that. I hope that we remain friends, and that this night wasn't just one night of things being back to how they used to be.
On another note, here is a funny story from tonight:
When I was driving with Chas to the carnival, blasting my music with the windows down this girl pulled up next to me. I didn't think anything of it, just singing and dancing with Chas as we waited for the light to turn green. Well, next thing you know, I hear a horn honk, and the girl is waving at me. So i turn the music down. She smiled at me and yells "Nice rainbow!" referring to my gay pride air freshner. I smiled and said thanks, and she laughed. Then of course chas had to be the goof he is and yell "Yeah rainbows!" and I of course smacked him and told him to zip it. She just laughed. She was hott. So Chas goes on to tell me that he sees her at his job all the time and that she is a lesbian and he is vaguely knows her. That made my night.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Almost Lover
Music is my life. If i can't figure out how to describe an emotion, i can usually find a song that does. At the moment, i'm addicted to "Almost Lover" because it describes everything. I pushed all my feelings aside for awhile now. Which led to a complete emotional breakdown today.
I torture myself. I continuously look at Ariel's facebook. I continuously think about her. I can't stop. It hurts so much, but I cannot stop. I want to see how she is. The fact that she isn't doing well, only make sit hurt worse. I want to be there. I want to be holding her. I want to be helping her through everything. Yet she hurt me. She said so many horrible things. She pushed me away. Still, I cannot stop thinking about her. I still love her. I wish I didn't. If I didn't, things would be so much easier. I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be moody. I wouldn't feel so numb. Yet, I do. All of this, over a girl.
I thought that she was the one. I wanted to spend my life with her. I wanted to marry her, have kids with her. She had told me she wanted the same. Yet, apparently not. The thing that gets me is she told me I treated things as a friendship with a title. Yet, I was thinking of giving myself fully to her, including my virginity. That's alot for me. I'm very much old fashioned. I believe in saving myself for my soul mate. Yet, that's what I thought she was. Here i was thinking of that, and she was on a completely different page. As Mels put it, we were on two different pages. That's what hurts so much.
I'm still struggling to move past this. I tried to lie and say I was over it. Yet, I'm not. The thing that gets me is her. My friends tell me things, thinking it'll help, but it doesn't. My friend Amy told me she's a mess. She died her hair, and has been depressed and is on medication. That only makes me feel worse. It only makes me wish I could be there for her.
Another thing that's been bothering me, is my brother. The other night, he really upset me. Jessi, my best friend who was my other half all through high school, was over. We were watching a movie with him, and our friend Kayloni. First, we were talking about relationships and when I mentioned Ariel, he put a hand on my shoulder and said "Sis, do yourself a favor and go back to men." THEN, later Kayloni was gushing over Vin Diesel and I wasn't saying anything, because obviously being a lesbian I wouldn't feel that way. So he turns to me and foes, "I wish you'd agree with her." It bothers me. He told me he was okay with everything. I cried to him, and he assured me he loved me the same. He's talked to me about it before and never seemed to have a problem. So his sudden attitude change and biting comments are really bugging me. I want to know what changed and why.
I torture myself. I continuously look at Ariel's facebook. I continuously think about her. I can't stop. It hurts so much, but I cannot stop. I want to see how she is. The fact that she isn't doing well, only make sit hurt worse. I want to be there. I want to be holding her. I want to be helping her through everything. Yet she hurt me. She said so many horrible things. She pushed me away. Still, I cannot stop thinking about her. I still love her. I wish I didn't. If I didn't, things would be so much easier. I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be moody. I wouldn't feel so numb. Yet, I do. All of this, over a girl.
I thought that she was the one. I wanted to spend my life with her. I wanted to marry her, have kids with her. She had told me she wanted the same. Yet, apparently not. The thing that gets me is she told me I treated things as a friendship with a title. Yet, I was thinking of giving myself fully to her, including my virginity. That's alot for me. I'm very much old fashioned. I believe in saving myself for my soul mate. Yet, that's what I thought she was. Here i was thinking of that, and she was on a completely different page. As Mels put it, we were on two different pages. That's what hurts so much.
I'm still struggling to move past this. I tried to lie and say I was over it. Yet, I'm not. The thing that gets me is her. My friends tell me things, thinking it'll help, but it doesn't. My friend Amy told me she's a mess. She died her hair, and has been depressed and is on medication. That only makes me feel worse. It only makes me wish I could be there for her.
Another thing that's been bothering me, is my brother. The other night, he really upset me. Jessi, my best friend who was my other half all through high school, was over. We were watching a movie with him, and our friend Kayloni. First, we were talking about relationships and when I mentioned Ariel, he put a hand on my shoulder and said "Sis, do yourself a favor and go back to men." THEN, later Kayloni was gushing over Vin Diesel and I wasn't saying anything, because obviously being a lesbian I wouldn't feel that way. So he turns to me and foes, "I wish you'd agree with her." It bothers me. He told me he was okay with everything. I cried to him, and he assured me he loved me the same. He's talked to me about it before and never seemed to have a problem. So his sudden attitude change and biting comments are really bugging me. I want to know what changed and why.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Control Freak Paranoia
Okay, so my brother really pissed me off today. First of all, he comes in and asks for Krista's cell number. Now Krista is an ex-friend of mine. I don't really talk to her anymore because her and I fight way too much, not to mention she has backstabbed and talked about both me, and my best friend Amanda behind out backs. So he asks for her number. Then, I find out why! She invited him to go to applebee's with her, HOLLIE and some boy. Now, Hollie is another ex-friend. She also backstabbed me, but not only me, but my entire group of friends. She hurt us all one way or another. Not to mention that both Hollie and Krista have sex with any boy they can get their hands on, and drink and do drugs. Do i want my 16 year old brother around that? NO!
That's why I stopped hanging out with them. Now, he's all of a sudden buddy buddy with them. Then my parents get mad at ME! HE wakes them up when they have work early to ask them to drive him, because I won't. THEY wont take the hint and get mad at me. Then when i explain it my mom says "Well, you two don't care about us anyway, so go do whatever you want. HAVE SEX, do drugs! You don't care about you're father and I!" and so now I sit here, and don't even know what to say. My brothers actions are not my fault. They don't have to yell at me for something he did! They also should take the hint and realize that i'm worried and trying to protect him. BUt of course I have to be the bad guy here, and the one in the wrong. GRRRR!!!!
That's why I stopped hanging out with them. Now, he's all of a sudden buddy buddy with them. Then my parents get mad at ME! HE wakes them up when they have work early to ask them to drive him, because I won't. THEY wont take the hint and get mad at me. Then when i explain it my mom says "Well, you two don't care about us anyway, so go do whatever you want. HAVE SEX, do drugs! You don't care about you're father and I!" and so now I sit here, and don't even know what to say. My brothers actions are not my fault. They don't have to yell at me for something he did! They also should take the hint and realize that i'm worried and trying to protect him. BUt of course I have to be the bad guy here, and the one in the wrong. GRRRR!!!!
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