Come In With The Rain

I think it was Kelly who said Taylor Swift describes things so well. She does. Lately my moods have been mixed, good to bad, happy to depressed. Everything. I have good things going on, but other things that suck. My sissy wrote a blunt and honest blog, and I wish I could explain my feelings easily to her and what makes some of what she said hard for me, but it's not so easy apparently. I guess I'll try and then maybe just maybe I'll end this with some of the good going on. The bad seems to overshadow it at times lately and despite being happy to be with my Cupid, I'm actually rather depressed lately. I'm lucky I have Jill because she keeps me from dwelling there and being a complete hermit as I was the last times I felt this low. She makes me laugh and smile and makes sure I have fun even in my lowest times, which she doesn't even realize she's doing. She introduced me to Taylor Swift at the perfect time, even if sissy and others were planning to do so too. Taylor Swift's music seriously covers all bases, my happiness and sadness. My ups and my downs, in different songs. I can't believe how well she does and portraying those emotions and she's almost a year younger than me, if I'm not mistaken.

Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I'm struggling a lot lately. I miss friendships but yet once my trust is broken I'm not so willing to put out the effort to fix it. When I'm the one hurt and I'm the one who has their trust and feelings hurt most, even if others have too, I'm not really going to put an extra effort to be the one to make it right. I mean, when people know what they did, or should know what they did, why do I have to be the one to start things off on the path to fixing things? Maybe it's selfish and wrong to think that way, but I can't really help but feel that way. I just get so paranoid and when I don't have the trust in someone I can't easily just start an im or start talking like nothing is different. It's not that I won't talk to them, I'm not that stubborn, I just honestly can't be the one making that move. If you hurt me, and you want to fix it, you have to work at it. I'll work with you, but I can't be the one making the effort. Yeah, maybe it might sound wrong or selfish, though I don't see it that way and talking to Jill she doesn't seem to think it is either. She's dealt with a lot of my breakdowns in person and so she really knows how I've been feeling. I'm so grateful to her for it and if she wasn't around I'm not sure what the hell I'd be doing right now.

Not only am I struggling with this, but I'm constantly paranoid that I'm losing my best friend or being replaced. Yeah, I've been assured otherwise and have spoken of that in other blogs, but hey, it doesn't stop my mind from thinking it and from just shutting things down when I feel that way. I don't want that, as I've constantly said but sometimes it just seems like everything has converted to that fear. Like I've become so indifferent about everything else that all I do anymore is freak out about that. We talk about it, I'm reassured a lot, but it doesn't seem to stop the freak outs and upset. It doesn't. Plus, I've been paranoid about so much. I've been having sleeping issues again and not just because insomnia but I'm so paranoid about so much I can't sleep before 4-5am unless I CRASH and fall asleep talking to someone or doing something. I just can't seem to sleep right anymore. It sucks, but it's what I've become used to once more.

I hate this though, because I've been at this point before and it's when I was honestly in my worst depression about a year ago or so. I know it's not even always circumstances that cause depression but a chemical imbalance and I know I have chronic depression so it never goes away but it seems big episodes that can amount to more than chronic can occur and I don't want another one, and yet I'm afraid I'm slipping into one of them. Honestly, if I couldn't bring my computer into my bed with me, and if I didn't have to work, well there'd be many times recently where I wouldn't be on the computer or leaving my room. Which is where I was about a year ago. Maybe it's everything I was feeling then with the ex-best friend flaring up again, maybe it's everything else going on, maybe it's a combination, I don't know. All I know is even my parents seem to be noticing because they're constantly asking if I'm okay or something, though Jill does help and she makes them less worried I guess because she gets me out and doing things despite it all. Maybe she'll keep this from getting there. I hope so, because I don't want to be back at that point, especially because I didn't feel paranoid about losing my sissy as much as I do now and so she helped me a lot. I know she still can and nothing will change that, but I just think all this paranoia is going to make things ten times worse if I slip back there.

I don't really know what else to say without repeating myself of elaborating on things I'd rather not. I just hate all of this. So yeah, but now onto the happier end of things. Well, first Jill. Jill is my brother's girlfriend of six months and we hang out a lot when he's at work and I'm not. She moved here from NY, then moved to California, and is back here now. She doesn't really have many friends, and so I like hanging out with her, and her me. I mean she's over all the time anyway because she's here with Jimmy, but that's besides the point. The point is despite everything she's taking me out, hanging out with me, and making sure I laugh and smile even by the stupidest things. It's nice to have someone here in RL who can do that and is with me a lot. Sure, I have other RL friends who could, but their not here as much as Jill is.

Anyway, onto the next thing. Cupid. It's been a week and I know even if we don't work out as a relationship we're still going to be good friends. We discussed it. Both of us had been there and seen the alternatives and neither of us wanted it. We also don't think that could happen with us anyway unless one of us were to be a complete jerk. So, yes, Cupid/Erin is a good thing for me right now. I really am glad we talked and worked that out. It's nice. Though, our schedules don't seem to permit us to talk as much as we'd like, we do talk and we do plan to do all we can and even try to see each other winter break. So we'll see how that goes. All I know is she's special and she brings a smile to my face with just a thought of her.

Then, the last good thing on this blog is my cousin's wedding. My cousin Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding 2 days ago. Laura and I had been really close when I was younger, probably all my childhood until about high school when we had a bit of a rough patch. Anyway, I don't really need to go into all of that. All I want to say is she asked me to be in her wedding and her wedding is in DISNEY! DISNEY! I haven't been to Disney since I was 7 and now I get to go for a WEDDING. It's going to be amazing to be with my cousins, and family and in Disney. Plus, we're eating in CINDERELLA'S CASTLE after the wedding and it's just going to be a blast to spend my cousin's happiest day with her and to be going to Disney with her. She's coming up here the weekend before I go to camp to dress shop with me, and I'm excited. The dresses look gorgeous, her wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses, all of it. I can't wait to see her get married and to hang out in Disney with her and her little sisters who have grown up and now have become pretty close to me. It's really going to be awesome and I cannot wait. Plus, Laura told me we're also going to spend a day in Universal and at Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so of course I'm excited about that. Sure, it's a year away but that doesn't mean I can't be excited about that. :D

So yeah, this is insanely long and does have a lot of mixed emotions as I said it wuld. Sorry for all the depressing stuff but sometimes it just needs to come out. Anyway, I'm cutting this off now.

These Things Will Change

So, I woke up in a very contemplative mood. It had me thinking a lot about change. Some change is good and some not so good. I like change and yet I hate it. I know it sounds silly to say that, but it's true. I guess it depends on the type of change. I mean, some change is really good like getting new things, making new friends, getting closer to others, and just many other things I can't think of at the moment. There's also bad changes too. Depression, paranoia, losing someone whether to death or change, among other things. Why does change happen? That's something I've contemplated a lot today. Does it happen because it has to and it's an ongoing cycle? Does it happen because of people and things that influence our lives? Is it natural and normal? I don't know. I don't know these answers. I think any of them could be true at any given time.

I do not like the idea of people changing and drifting. Sure, I like it when people change for the better. I like when people make positive changes in their lives and when people make themselves happy. I like those types of changes. However, I hate changes that push people away or hurt others. Those are negative changes. I still don't know why they happen. I still don't know why people must lie, cheat, or anything else. How can best friends become enemies? How can best friends grow to lie and hate one another? I don't get it. Maybe it's just everything that happened with my ex-best friend, but I'm just really contemplating all this change that happens and wondering if it'll ever be stopped. Wondering if everyone will change? Wondering who will stick around and still be around when I'm much older. It seems so many friends I had in the past I barely talk to anymore.

There's a few friends I've known for awhile still around, but for the most part I have a very small number of friends and I cannot help but fear that they will change just as my ex-best friend did, and we will all drift apart. It seems almost common at this point and it shakes me up and scares me. I want people to stay in my life. I don't like changes that ruin friendships or cause people to drift. Does anyone? Does it always have to happen? Is it a part of life? Again, I don't have these answers. It's just been on my mind.

This blog isn't meant to be depressing or anything, it's just a whirlwind of thoughts that have been on my mind. I don't know if it makes sense. I know I say that a lot, but a lot of times things make sense in my head but then when I reread them they make no sense. I'm going to cut it off here though because I have work soonish and want to relax and try to stop contemplating all this before work. So, until next time, I'm out.

Trust Cannot Be Rekindled

This is a poem I just contemplated and wrote and I know it probably sucks. I don't typically write poetry, but I couldn't get it out of my mind, so here it is. It's short and sweet and I wrote it before work this morning.

Trust dwindled
Cannot be rekindled.

Do you know what you did with those lies and deceit?
All of that can only teach hate.
A bond destroyed, tearing things apart.
All that leaves is a broken heart.

Salvation in the form of love.
Is a gift sent from above.

I Hate the Sound of Nothing

So, I have so many emotions swirling through me tonight. Good and bad. I've done nothing all day but sleep and read. Fun, right? I talked to Cupid a bit, and Emmy and Kel, but that's it really. Jill was in trouble so my plans were cancelled because Amy didn't want to go and Jill wasn't allowed. So I did nothing but finish The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which by the way is a good book. I have so many things swirling through my mind at the moment though, and I don't even know where to start.

First of all it amazes me to see how people change, even when they say they won't. I don't really feel lie explaining this because I don't want to get upset, but it truly amazes me. I also took a step toward maybe making the situation that has had my paranoia flaring up, better. I mean, I messaged the ex-best friend. I told her how I hated her lies, and that she made my paranoia and depression worse and that's why I stopped talking to her and would continue to stop talking to her. I hope it helps and I hope no one else has to deal with repercussions. I at least feel better getting it off my chest, I'm just afraid of how she'll react. I mean she already was acting like a bitter little bitch to Erin and Kamali because Erin was dating me. It's none of her business and she has no say in it. I'm not about to let her ruin something I've wanted or just in general. It's not her decision and I'm not going to let her guilt Erin or mess anything up. Neither is Erin.

Despite all this my paranoia is still flaring and I'm just pissed at the world. Yeah, sounds fun huh? People have been nasty at work all week. Plans have been ruined and generally I've been in a pissed at the world, paranoid about everyone mood today. Though, Kel helped and Emmy unknowingly helped. Plus of course, Erin did too just by talking and making plans to a degree. So that's nice. I'm very happy with Erin. I really like her and she was there for me at 5am yesterday when no one else was awake or there, and she helped me make the decision to finally message the ex-best friend. She always makes me smile in simple ways and always has. I wish that visits were more frequent or she could visit again this summer, but I understand money is tight. I just hope that Kamali and I can get there winter break as we talked about. That would be pretty damn amazing.

I'm happy in some ways and relaxed tonight. I had a relaxing night with a book and I talked to Erin and Kelbel and Emmy a bit. At the same time I'm pissed by many things. I'm pissed by selfishness, immaturity, rudeness, and just many other things. I just don't understand people, and so despite how calm I am after reading, I'm still pondering all this.

Yeah, so none of this is probably making any sense and so I'm just going to stop. Despite all of this, i'm in a pretty calm mood. Sure, i'm still thinking, but i'm really rather calm, surprisingly.

I Hope It's Beautiful Like You

So I think it's high time I posted a happier entry, since one of my friends pointed out how with my last two blogs it's high time I feel a bit better and that I deserve something better. I think maybe luck was on my side for once. Why, you might ask? One name. Cupid. Yes, Cupid. I doubt I spoke of her in this blog at all, and so now I will. Cupid is my nickname for her, it started flirty and stuck in my brain. She never understood the flirtyness, but I'll call her Cupid in this blog.

Okay so Cupid and I met rping, one of my nerdy habits, and she knew Kamali and my ex-best friend. She actually dated the ex-best friend. Anyway, that's besides the point. We've known each other a year or so through rping and our friends. She lives in Indiana and me in New Jersey. Well, at the end of May she came to visit Kamali and I went and stayed over Kamali's and then we came back to my house to see my brother off to prom and hang out. While we were hanging out I really and truly felt close to her. Like I was crushing on her almost the moment I met her in RL and it wasn't just an RP friend, but I never said anything. Well, with all that's been going on she wanted to know and comfort me. Last night she told me that the day all this went down she was hypothetically going to talk to me about liking me and wanted to date. I figured out she was talking about me in a hypothetical situation and now I know. She's liked me the whole time too. Which is really, shocking because I never think that can happen to me, but here it has. So it's like despite all this heartache there's a light. I just don't want to rush into anything when I'm trying to get over everything else, but it's an amazing feeling knowing my feelings were returned and that she'll wait until I'm over everything for me. We discussed it and how we both know with US it won't effect our friendship no matter what and how we WANT to be an us. So I think it's good. I just wish I knew before I put my heart into the other situation and allowed myself to be hurt because it would make this so much easier. I'm happy though, glad to have Cupid and to know she makes me happy. I can't wait until I get off work and we can talk again. She makes me smile, through everything, and she isn't a rebound because I liked her before all this and will still like her after. I saw her, we cuddled, talked for hours, got called "laughing hyenas" for our delirious 5am conversation. It's just different and no matter what it wouldn't be rebounding. Besides I've never rebounded in my life, even after Ariel. I ended up with Sue, but that WASN'T rebounding at all. I liked her.

So I think for once maybe something is going my way. That despite how completely miserable and down in the dumps I've felt that this is a light and something good. Cupid and I must discuss things more in depth, but I do think that we both want an "us" which makes me smile. I mean, with all the hurt I've been experiencing I really am glad to feel happy about SOMETHING and have SOMETHING to make things better. Sure, it won't erase the hurt, it won't bring back a lost friendship, but it IS something to be happy about, look forward to, and it is a light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.

You Might Find Who You're Supposed To Be

Yeah, I blogged last night. Yes, this is going to be another rant, so if you don't like it I suggest you stop reading now. I apologize in advance, I just am really struggling with a lot right now even if people are telling me "Oh, you're better than this" and "Oh, you deserve better than what is being done." It's just too much at once. That's all. Too much at once on top of my paranoia.

I don't know how to be vague about any of this. All I can say is if anything what hurt before hurts worse now. Waking up to everything hurts worse now. Things feel fake, tense and I don't like it. Tension and walking on eggshells sucks and I feel like that's all I'm doing. All I'm doing is waiting for the last spark, the last thing to happen to set everything off and change everything.Yeah, I'm told it won't, but there's already feelings I never had, hurt I never had against one factor in this entire thing, surfacing. How are things not going to change with that? Yeah, I keep saying I'd rather be the hurt one but it sucks being the hurt one too. It sucks when I WANT to go to work just to get away from, well two people I held closest to me. One I'm determined to keep close and the same (though even now some of the situation seems stressed), the other I can't even talk to. The fact is, I'm trying to heal myself so maybe everything can be normal and I'm STILL getting hurt. I'm still feeling miserable and like shit and guess what one person that usually helps me ISN'T right now and that makes it all hurt worse. I feel like there's no caring there. Maybe not everyone reacts like me, but even knowing that it all still hurts like a bitch.

To make all this worse today is already starting as a horrible day. My phone refuses to charge. It's been on the charger ALL NIGHT and won't even charge. So that's godawful and I'm pissed and annoyed. I'll be going to the verizon store after work to try to correct that. I just hope it lasts until then so I can at least let Jill know when I'm picking her up. I'm so grateful for Jill at the moment. She was with me when I was most upset, and still managed to get me smiling and make me feel better. That's certainly a good thing.I'm also grateful that she decided to plan a sleepover and movie night with me tonight. I'm just very hateful of a lot of people right now, even some I wouldn't expect to be having feelings of hated towards. I really hate feeling like this. Last night's blog. This one. None of them are like my usual self and yet it's the me I've been growing accustomed to in the last few days. I don't see it changing because well I don't want to ruin others happy just because I'm miserable. I can't and won't do that. Complaining is one thing but it won't go beyond that. There's nothing I can do anyway.

You Might Think I'm Bulletproof But I'm Not

So, I don't know what to say to describe anything right now without saying things out or anger, upset and hurt that I'd later regret. I was going to make a private entry but I don't know if there's that option anymore. I couldn't find it. So I don't really know what to say other than I really wish I could find a way to make everything normal again. That's all I want, but it seems it's not going to be so easy. So many people think I'm crazy for even wanting that after everything. I never wanted anyone to get hurt and in a way I'm glad it's me. I'd rather see myself hurting than anyone else. Yeah, so people may think I'm just saying that, but I'm not. I was prepared to be the one hurt, and yeah it hurts and sucks but hey I'm used to it. Nothing goes my way at times and well, i'm used to dealing with people lying to me. Sure, it sucks, but it's my fault. I take things the wrong way and I believe people easily. Sure, there's people that deserve my trust and I know who they are, but apparently there's people I come to hang on every word of that I shouldn't. There's some things I can believe and others I can't. That's the way I think it will always be. Sometimes I wish I could just not hang on every word people say, but if I did that even the people who deserve that trust would be out and that would be a very lonely road. I don't want that. I don't. It just sucks that things that make others happy are making me so sad.

I've been told I'm better than this, but am I really? Am I, because I don't see it. All I see is myself repeating the same mistakes, believing certain phrases people say when they can't be trusted and rescind it all later, even the same day or talk behind my back. Maybe it's just all this shit with ex-best friend, maybe it's just my paranoia, but sometimes I don't know what to trust. People who know that really should be more careful around me, but their not and now here I am hurting all over again. I HATE THIS. I really and truly do. Why claim you mean everything, tell me these HUGE HUGE things and then two hours later rescind it when I explicitly told you NOT TO say that unless you meant it. Now, as much as I want normalcy it's starting to seem hard. I think about stopping the hiding act, but all that I think when I think of ims and talking are horrible words, mean words, anger....and so I guess I'm either not ready to talk or I won't ever be able to have things return to normal and that just sucks. I've been here before and it really sucks. It's even making me doubt those I can trust for more than just one reason and my typical paranoia. I hate this. I think this is all I can say for now without saying things I don't mean and while staying vague.I don't know how to fix things and make them normal, not now and I don't know what's going to happen. Usually I'm the optimist and it sucks because right now all I'm thinking is pessimistic thoughts and just wishes that I think a lot of people would kill me if they knew.

I'm jsut so afraid that things like this are going to continue happening. Do I have a big label on my face that says "Hey i'm gullible and once you gain my trust I'll believe anything you say?" I mean, why else would things like this keep happening? Why else would people keep lying to me? Sometimes I just really don't know who to trust, even if I have one person, my sissy, who I fully trust sometimes lately I even doubt her because of EVERYTHING and it sucks. I mean I still have this feeling, and fear, despite everything in my last entry that I'm going to lose her because why would things work so well for me in that sense? It's scary to me...but it's something I can't help. I can't help that feeling. I'm glad she understands my paranoia and is always here to reassure me, but it's constant. The littlest things will make me fear it. The littlest things will make me think there'll be someone she'll start telling more to and then eventually get closer to and forget me. Little things set off a huge paranoia, especially with her because of the fact that I keep being lied to by everyone it seems. I mean, my ex-best friend once was called my sister and I talked to her everyday and SAW her twice a week at times and look what happened there? So with that looming over me and now everything else that's exploded as I've been dealing with that, sometimes it really is hard to trust that everything is going to stay the same, but so far even when others have betrayed me, been annoyed by me, hurt me, or lied she has been there. I hope my fears never come true, but I can't ever stop them. I'm just glad she understands and is always willing to reassure me and not just about this, but everything. Sometimes, I really don't know where I'd be without her. It makes me want to cry and freak out just thinking about it.

I think I'm going to end this here though. I don't know what else to say while still being vague so as not to hurt anyone. Sure, some might say if I'm hurt I shouldn't care, but I'm not heartless and I'd feel guilty if I made anyone feel bad. I already feel guilty for some things and I don't want to make it worse, so I'm going to leave it all at this. This is just how it's going to be for awhile I guess :/ I hate it, but I'd rather it be me than anyone else and I don't know what could possibly be done about it. It's my own feelings, my paranoia, my sensitivity, and so no one can really change that. I just hope I can break out of this and get the hell over it all soon because I HATE feeling this way. I went through a depressive episode and while I have chronic dep. I don't want to be as low as I was during the few months to a year it got really bad. I want this to go away, and so I need to find a way to get the hell over all of it and stop doubting every single thing.

Pools of Sorrow, Waves of Joy

Okay, so I had a tumblr. Been there, tried it. I don't like it. It spazzes out majorly. I hate that and so I'm back to my beloved blog here. I wish I could say this is going to be a happy blog, but it's going to be a combination of both. If you don't want to read it skim past it. Otherwise, the happy part will be me explaining me since I started this blog a year or two ago and haven't really been good about updating it.



So I decided to private the first half of this entry, but I am going to talk about my sissy. I will say right now. I LOVE MY SISSY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND ANYONE ELSE. She IS family to me, and as such I love her just as much as my family, if not more than some of my cousins and aunts and uncles who don't seem to even care enough about anything. This isn't a rant about my family though. THIS is about my sister, not my blood sister because I don't have one of those but the girl who IS my best best friend and CHOSEN sister. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her and I would do ANYTHING for her. In the wake of everything I saw, I FREAKED. I felt like I was losing her to HIM. I felt like despite our pact that nothing was going to come between us this WAS, because I was afraid to even talk to her about it. I cried and got depressed and FREAKED because I thought I was having the most important person in my life pulled away from me. I sobbed, and freaked and almost wasn't going to talk to her. ME not talk to my SISSY. THAT is crazy. Then I realized that was letting it happen and so we talked but the subject didn't come up until later when I voiced my fears of losing her AGAIN. It's legit my BIGGEST fear and so I don't want to risk that EVER. We talked though, and I realize we CAN talk about ANYTHING, even if it's hard...even THIS. Which is good because I was worried. I may need a reminder ALOT that this isn't going to ruin us and as I have begun saying "nothing crushes us." Deep down though, I DO know that, it's just hard when I start doubting everything, but LAST NIGHT...helped ALOT. Talking to her about it all, seeing how much we mean to one another and knowing she didn't want things to get ruined and hated it all just as much as I did, helped and makes me realize that as long as we keep communication about EVERYTHING, even any of this, open then it'll be okay and nothing will change. WE have control and WE can't let it. It'll only change if we let it. We're not going to. I know I won't. I'm not going to let someone as AMAZING and BANGIN' and INCREDIBLE as my sister go away from me. I can't even bear the thought, it's why I was freaked out so much. I mean, we've known each other for so long, talked about everything and just there's never been a time when I couldn't go to her and when I wouldn't want her to come to me. She's who I am CLOSEST to, and like I said she is my chosen sister. I don't and won't let that slip away from me, ever. It's scary and heartwrenching for me to even think about. I don't WANT to think about it or consider it because I don't WANT to let that happen. I mean there's so many people in my life who are TEMPORARY or have BEEN temporary. Loving a girl or guy, comes and goes. Crushes come and go. Whose going to be there when all is said and done? HER. That's how I feel at least. No matter what happens with anyone else she's the one who WILL be there and so how can I let ANYONE or ANYTHING pull that away and stop that. She's helped me through so much and I can only hope I've done the same. I mean, she says there's never been anything she hasn't talked to me about and the same goes to her and that WON'T change on my side and she's promised on hers either. That's all I need. Honestly, as long as if everything else crashed down I still had my sister, and my family I would be FINE. That's how I view it and what I REALLY don't WANT to change. So, while I know I'll need reassurances, all of this is what I feel on it.

Now, onto the update on me. I'm Marisa or Shane (a nickname due to a character I write about a lot.) I'm 21 years old and I live in New Jersey, 10 minutes away from Seaside where the show Jersey Shore was filmed. I'm an English major and I love a lot of things. I love reading, writing, music,movies, tv, singing, dancing in the rain, late night conversation, rping, video games, and that's only scratching the surface. Some of my favorite books are the Harry Potter series, Percy Jackson series, Looking for Alaska by John Green, anything on Arthurian legend, the Kiesha'ra series, and I LOVE Shakespeare and literature in general. I love all types of music. I love broadway because I sing it, and I love anything from wrock to Green Day. I can't really say favorites but some bands I like are ALL CAPS, Ministry of Magic, Green Day, We Are The In Crowd(thanks to my sissy), Sparks the Rescue (thanks to my sissy), The Goo Goo Dolls, and just so many many more. I roleplay, forum based. I run one site with my amazing sissy that is marauder era and I LOVE IT. As for video games I have ONE favorite and THAT is Kingdom Hearts. I also love Assasin's Creed and some others, but Kingdom Hearts is a big one. Oh, I like anime and manga, BUT I'm VERY picky on what I like. My all time favorite has and will always be Fullmetal Alchemist. I just think it's a beautiful show and well written. I prefer the original anime to the manga and can't really stand Brotherhood at all after being so accustomed to the original. Yeah, I'm a nerd, and I'll admit to it and I'm proud of it. I participated and succeeded in nanowrimo and will do it all over again this year coming and am excited. I MISS nanowrimo and the insanity it was and feel like one of my best written works was made THEN. I'm proud of it. I don't know what else to say really, but that's me in a nutshell.