AT LAST I SEE THE LIGHT

Okay, so everything is finally settling down to a degree. I figured I should update. My grandma is coming home from the hospital on Saturday and my cousin, well, that's a longer story but she's going be getting a second opinion at a different hospital up in Philadelphia. I'll explain both those situations momentarily. I also have to say I'm starting classes up again Monday and the pressure is already on. It's going to be a hectic semester. That's all I have to say.

Okay, so first of all my Grandma does NOT have cancer. The doctors at that hospital really put my family through a lot, and my aunt, parents, uncles and grandfather are pissed at them for it. They told us and my grandma she had cancer WITHOUT even waiting to see the pathology results. They sat with my grandma and discussed treatment without the results. My aunt got there and asked about the results only to be told "Oh I'll go see if they have them. Maybe they just haven't typed them up yet." Then the oncologist came back and said "Oh,you won't be needing me after all. There's no cancer." Thank god. That's all I have to say. It was a miracle and yet, why did they tell anyone she had cancer without the results? Anyway, so I went to see her later that day and she was doing better. She was getting her last blood transfusion for the blood infection and she seemed in better spirits. She was still in need of morphine for the pain and she still was being fed through an iv, but she was better than before. Now, apparently she's walking around, eating on her own and doing much better. So that's uplifting.

My cousin is another story. The spinal tap has given them no results. They still have no idea what's wrong with her and what's causing the blindness in her one eye and blurred vision in the other. My aunt is actually really frustrated with the doctor's because they won't give her any answers nor will they call her back. She's decided that she's going to come up to Philly and get another opinion either at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) or another hospital that was recommended to her. It isn't normal for an 11 year old to just lose her vision. It's rather ridiculous if you ask me. It worries me. So, hopefully she gets some results when she brings Tara up here.

Now, for the fun part...spring semester starts Monday. I already feel the pressure as it's my last batch of classes before I get my associates and transfer to Kean. I'm excited and yet oh so nervous. The pressure is on to do well. I have 5 classes and a lab this semester. I have Computer Integrated Office Software (shouldn't be too hard at all), Biology (bleh) with lab, The Short Novel (yay English course), Intro to Exceptional Students (yay first education class) and Adolescent Psych. I'm definitely excited for two of my classes in particular. The Short Novel because it's for my major and the only English course I have this semester after a semester full of them in the fall. Then, Adolescent Psych just because my prof. seems AMAZING. He e-mailed us and told us before the semester started we could begin gaining extra credit by joining a group he runs on facebook and partaking in discussions there. I went on and there's tons of pictures of him and he LOOKS like he's a student. He looks no older than 25-30. He even stated that one semester he sat in the desks and started asking students what they heard of the professor only to get up and say "Hello class" once everyone arrived. He seems like he'll make the class fun and so I certainly cannot wait.

Anyway, I think that's enough of an update for now. :D

Emotions Emotions Emotions

No one can ever explain the shock you feel when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. I've heard the stories from others, and especially the kids at camp and their siblings. Yet, never have I experienced it myself. Until today. Today has changed a lot in that category for me. I realize just how hard it must be for those parents and siblings, as it's hard enough for me to think of my elderly grandmother having it, let alone a baby or child. Cancer is not something to joke about, as I have experienced someone who joked and lied about it. It is not something to take lightly. It's a scary thing. I always knew that, but now I'm truly seeing that.

My grandmother, Mootzie as my cousins and I all call her because my cousin John Paul started that trend, has never been the closest to me. I'm closer to my mom's mother, the grandma that lives with me...but it's still my grandmother and I love her. She went to the doctor for a routine colonoscopy, ended up in the hospital because they found an abscess on her colon. No one expected to hear she had colon cancer. When they did the surgery to remove the abscess they discovered a large tumor, and upon testing tissue around the tumor they discovered that not only did the tumor contain cancer but the cancer had spread. We're still waiting to find out how much and what stage, but the fact of the matter is my grandmother has colon cancer.

I don't even know how I feel right now. I'm calm, and yet I feel guilty for it when I see my parents crying. I'm upset, but yet not outwardly upset. I have so many conflicting emotions. The shock of all of it is just a lot for me. I can't even put it into words. I'm shocked and upset. Yet, I'm trying to be the optimistic one in my family since everyone else is so upset. I'm trying to say...let's see what the doctor's say, let's see what stage, and if it's what God wants then who are we to say there's no reason...everything has a reason no matter how horrible. F.R.O.G. fully rely on god. I can do nothing but hope and pray and so it's what I'm trying to do. I know that no matter what happens my family is strong and together we'll get through it. We always do. It's just such a shocking and hard thing to deal with.

So, F.R.O.G. Mootzie. I love you.

Time Is Fleeting

It always seems like when something happens I do a lot of thinking. I guess that makes sense. I mean, sometimes you need big events to wake you up to things. In this case it is once again because of my cousin Tara that I have began thinking. Yet, my grandmother also factors in. Both Tara and my grandma are currently in the hospital, so I was hit with a double whammy of news today. My grandmother has an abscess on her colon, and apparently is pretty sick. She's getting two pints of blood tomorrow, a CT scan and they're going to see if they can drain it. If not she'll need surgery. Tara is another story. I'm sure anyone who reads this will remember that a few months ago she was very ill with a rare brain parasite and we nearly lost her. Well, she's been doing much better or so I thought. Yet, yesterday she ended up back in the hospital because she lost vision in her right eye completely and her left eye is apparently blurry.

I don't think most people realize just how much we take for granted. That's something I've been thinking about now. It's not just the fact that we're alive each and everyday we take for granted but other things. I mean, our senses are often taken for granted. We can smell, see, taste, touch, and hear. There are many people that can't do any number of those things. Yet, do we ever think about how lucky we are for it? I mean my cousin is 11 years old and in the blink of an eye she lost vision in 1 eye and is losing vision in another. They still don't know what caused it and why. They're looking into it. It could be something caused by the parasite they believed they killed, whether it be a residue or something the damn bug did before it died, or something else entirely. What they don't know is if she'll be able to see again and to me that's a scary thought. Who expects to lose their sense of sight?

We take things for granted everyday. Do we ever look around at the people around us and think what could happen to them? Do we think about losing a limb, a sense, anything? I know I usually don't, but here I am thinking about it now. In a moment your entire world could change. I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but now is the time to truly appreciate the life you have and the things you have in it. No one knows what the future holds. No one knows what's going to happen. I certainly don't. All I can hope to do is appreciate what I have and those I have in my life. All I can do is love them and let it be known how much I care. To quote a favorite book of mine, "We're all going" which is the truth. No one knows when, but eventually we will all be gone. We need to appreciate the time and the things we do have in this life.

New Year

Okay, so it's 2011. This year has truly gone fast and it's hard to believe how quickly time can go by. Now it's time to make some resolutions. There's so much ahead this year, exciting things. I have quite a few resolutions. My biggest one is DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I don't want to waste my time worrying about small, pointless things. Time is of the essence and everyone is here on borrowed time, so why waste any of it on small matters? Another resolution i have is to learn how to manage my time better. I have a lot of motivation and a lot of plans but it seems I always leave things until the last minute and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm sick of ending up feeling rushed. Then, my final resolution is simply to do things that make me feel good whether that means losing some weight, hanging around with certain friends, doing more charity work, writing more, reading more, anything that makes me feel good fits into this category.

Now, plans for this year. There are a few big events coming up this year that I feel should be mentioned:

1. I'm getting my associate's degree and starting work toward my bachelor's. My associate is in liberal arts, but my bachelor's degree will be in English with teaching certification and special ed. certification.

2. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding down in Disney World :D This is exciting and it's amazing how time flies. It seems like just yesterday when my cousin and I would sit in my room, thinking 10pm was late and listening to backstreet boy. We used to write stupid little stories about them too. Yet, that was over 10 years ago and now she's getting married.

3. The 3rd thing is I'm going back to Camp Sunshine. I can't not go. It was the best experience of my life and it keys into my resolution to do what makes me feel good. I honestly was happier there than I think I have ever been in my life. I felt like I was truly doing something good for others and it really made an impact on me. I want to do it time and time again.

Those are the 3 big events, but I'm sure there will be many many smaller and yet significant things to come in 2011. Hello 2011, I hope you're a good year! :D