Disconnected

I think that my family may have been right awhile ago when they thought that I was depressed. Last night my girlfriend and her family had a fight and she was out in the woods with no place to go for the night. I wanted to be there for her, but I totally lost myself last night. Everything just hit me in that instance. I went into hysterics and just completely had a breakdown. I couldn't breathe.

I can't remember the last time that I was happy with myself or felt that I please my family. Lately it just seems like I'm always getting yelled at for stupid little things out of my control. Like everything is my fault. I think maybe I'm starting to believe that. For the past few months I think I've started to believe that. The only time lately, maybe in the past 6 months, that I remember being happy is when I wasn't home and was out with my best friends. Otherwise I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and never do anything again.

I have lost my motivation. I want to just lay down in bed with my laptop all day, everyday. I don't want to do anything but sleep and eat only when its necessary. Which, lately, my appetite has diminished. I can get by with two meals a day and not get hungry and their not even big meals. I don't want to go to work or my classes. I have to force myself to do both, and I have skipped quite a few classes just because I lack the motivation to be there. I force myself to go out with friends and put on this facade that everything is perfect. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm two different people. At home, I struggle. Out with friends I actually almost feel like I'm happy. Yet, there's still always something missing and I don't quite know what it is. I don't know when I became this way. I was happy last fall, last fall semester I loved everything. Now I feel more hate and I feel like my ever present optimistic attitude is gone.

I've thought a lot about death. I've thought so much lately what a release it would be. How I'd have nothing to worry about anymore and I wouldn't have anything to stress about. It'd just be nothing. I've felt like I've almost been ready to face it. I've almost wished for a disease or something to just kill me as horrible as that seems. I've contemplated suicide at times and even had the razor in my hand in the shower. Yet, I could never do it. Why? I don't know. I'd usually end up a jumbled mess after and lock myself in my room, and pretend to my friends who imed me that things were fine, while inside I was dying because I wished I had gone through with it. Yet, then I would think of those people iming me, and how they would feel if I died. I think how everyone would react, my family, my friends, everyone. I think of it all and I realize there are people who care at me. I sit there and think WHAT THE HELL was I just thinking that for? I just, don't know why I feel this way. Why I get to that point.

I should be happy. I'm doing well in school. I have an amazing and loving family. My family has done so much for me. Sure, we don't always get along, but what family ALWAYS gets along, I don't think any really. I have amazing friends, the ones I'm closest to atleast, and I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me and who I love. So why can't I be happy? I mean sure, I'm happy when I'm out with my friends and girlfriend. There's flickers there. Yet, I come home and I don't want to deal with anything. I come home and just hit this low where sometimes I just don't want to move or get up. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be fully happy as I remember once being?

Why do I have no drive? No appetite for any food, learning, anything? Why don't I want any of it? What is going on and what is wrong with me?

I don't know why I can't seem to feel comfortable at home. I feel like I have to hide everything still. My family says their okay with it and they accept me, yet sometimes their actions still prove otherwise. Like my mom always talking about me and mike or me and chas. My Dad telling me he loves me and supports it but would never agree with it being right if a relationship go sexual or I wanted to marry because that is what the church is against. So they can tell me they accept it all they want, but their actions tell me otherwise and that alone makes me uncomfortable. I know they love me. Their amazing parents. Especially looking at how others parents are, but yet I just don't know why I can't feel comfortable. There's just something that makes me uncomfortable and I don't know what.

Then there's this paranoia I've felt since I was a little girl and my best friends backstabbed me. For a few years after that I didn't really have any friends. Maybe 1 or 2. It was really bad and is a really long story. Let's just say since then, even now that I have quite a few close friends that I trust, I have some paranoia issues. I always feel like when I'm around and people are whispering or texting or iming or anything like that their talking about me or that their plotting against me. Somewhere in the back of my mind this is what comes to mind. It could be because that's what my best friend when I was 8 did, right infront of me half the time. Yet, I don't know. I just always get these weird paranoid ideas when my friends whisper or don't include me in things. I know it's irrational and I know a lot of the thoughts that come to my mind are impossible because I love my friends and trust them not to talk like that about me. Yet, somewhere these thoughts still come. When there's a sleepover or party or anything and I'm either not invited or can't make it, there's always this feeling that everyone is there talking about me and that maybe I wasn't invited for a reason. I don't know why, and again I know it's irrational, yet I can't help it. These feelings just come. They never go away and haven't since I was about 8. I feel really bad too, because the people that these thoughts make me doubt are my best friends, who I know would never do that to me, ever. Yet, when these thoughts come, I can't stop them. I doubt my best friends motives! I doubt my best friends when these thoughts come. WHY?

Is any of this normal? Are any of these thoughts and these feelings normal? I certainly don't feel like they are. Apparently my family doesn't think so either. I'm going to a psychologist, plus my Dad thinks we need to go to family therapy too for my mom and I. I think it's all a good idea. I think I've needed to go this route for awhile from everything I've just realized. Yet, does all this make me a bad person? What does any of this mean? I don't know. Hopefully, I will, but as of now I'm clueless.

Writing Challenge Story

Writing Challenge: A character will read someone's diary. A character will be lonely.

As I sat reading my twin brother's journal for hours, I couldn't fathom any of it. I didn't understand what had happened. Everything felt so surreal. My twin brother, was gone. I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe that my brother was going to walk into our dorm room laughing and telling me the whole thing was one big joke. Yet, I knew that wasn't going to happen. This was real, and this was permanent.

Dylan was gone. My twin brother. My roommate. My best friend for the past twenty years was gone forever. Dylan was never coming back. I looked around our dorm room. It had been a week and everything was as it had been left that morning. No one had known what was going to happen. Neither of us knew he wouldn't be back.

His history book was still open on his bed where he had been reading it that morning before he had left. His laptop was still sitting on his desk, ready for him to use, though he never would again. I had left everything untouched. I hadn't been able to move anything yet.

I remembered that morning and day as if it were yesterday. Had I known it was the last time I'd seen Dylan alive, I would have savored it. Yet, I had no idea. I was grumpy and annoyed that morning. Now, I regret it. Yet, I regret it vividly.

“Shane. Shaney.” I heard my brother's voice saying. I also felt my whole bed shaking as he jumped on my bed. I knew it was my twin without even opening my eyes. I groaned. It was so early, why was he waking me up. He had early classes, but my first class wasn't until noon.

“What?” I groaned, sitting up and looking at him.

“Do you have your history notes? I'm missing a page in mine and I have an exam tomorrow.” Dylan asked me.

“You woke me up to ask me THAT!” I snapped, glaring at him.

“I'm sorry Shane.I just didn't want to go through your stuff without asking.” Dylan said, gently. He kissed my cheek. Dylan always knew how to make me feel guilty for snapping at him.

“It's okay, Dyl. Hold on, I'll get my notebook for you.” I stated. I got out of bed, stumbling a bit as I woke up some.

“What time did you get to bed last night, Shaney?” Dylan asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Um, 3am. Dyl, please don't worry about me. I can see it in your face that you are,” I said, sighing. I handed him my notebook and sat back down on the bed next to him. I hated when he worried about me, though I knew he meant well.

“Shane, you don't sleep enough. You need to get more sleep. I'm sorry I'm worrying so much, but you're my twin. I'd be lost without you.” Dylan told me. He pulled me into a hug, stroking my hair, gently. I smiled at him and went over to my bed and back to sleep.

I had no idea that those were the last words that would ever be uttered to me by my twin brother. I had no idea the terror and shock that would be felt the rest of the day. To me it was going to be just another day. I planned to go to my classes and meet Dylan for dinner as I did every other day. In two hours my whole life had changed.

“Shane open up! Shane!” I heard someone yelling and banging on my door. I recognized the voice to be that of my best friend, Claude, who lived across the hall. I jumped out of bed and ran to open the door. I smiled, I hadn't seen Claude in a few days. I had been busy with midterms and he had been with his boyfriend. Yet, as soon as I looked at Claude, my smile faded. The look on his face and the fact that he had blood all over his clothes, changed my opinion.

“Claude, what's wrong? Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing my friend into a hug, after locking the door behind him. There was this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. I sighed, there was something wrong.

I looked at the clock. It was 11am. Dylan should have been home over an hour ago. He was supposed to wake her up at 10:30am. The sinking feeling in her stomach got stronger.

“Shane....there was, there is a shooting. My roommate came back, she was shot. I tried to save her. She's gone.” Claude mumbled, collapsing into my arms. I just held him, rubbing his back and trying to soothe him.

I turned on the tv. I had this feeling in my gut that something was wrong. Dylan wasn't home and I needed to know where this shooting was taking place. The news anchor said the shooting was near the science building. My heart fell into my chest. Dylan was in that building. He should have been leaving as the shooting took place. That's when I knew it was over. That is when I broke down into tears.

My brother. My best friend. My whole life, had been in that building. He was gone. I knew it. I could sense it. Dylan and I always had this special connection. Now, it was gone. I dialed Dylan's number, and got no answer just as I suspected. Actually, his phone was off. That never happened. In a few short hours my whole life had changed without my conscious knowledge.

I looked down at the journal in my hand. It was the last link I had to my brother. I missed him. I felt so alone and lost without him. It had been a week and I couldn't imagine how I would feel complete ever again. He was my twin. I was contemplating this, when there was a knock at my door and a moment later I looked up to see Claude.

“Shane, what are you doing?” He asked, quietly. He had been my biggest support in the past week. He had been there for me through it all and I was forever grateful. I would never be able to repay him.

“I was just reading Dylan's diary and remembering everything. It actually feels good. Though, I miss him, and I feel a bit alone.” I replied. I rested my head on Claude's shoulder.

“Well, it will be okay. I'll help you through this. You'll never be alone, you'll always have me and all your friends.” Claude stated.

I knew in that moment that he was right. I wouldn't be alone. I smiled at him, and hugged his waist, closing Dylan's journal. We were survivors. We had been through a tragedy, but we were going to survive.

People Marching To The Drums

So this...is Mels, Nika and my craziness in a nutshell. Another video blog. Enjoy.

I' d Give It All For You Chapters 1-3

Prologue- Jamie Is Over

It had been six months since Jamie left me and I didn’t know what to do. I thought that I was over him. Then, I found out that I was pregnant with his child a month after he left. I found out that the baby was a boy a few weeks ago. When I first found out, I debated what to do. I didn’t know whether I should have the baby or not. I was alone, and did not have a steady job so I wasn’t sure I could raise a child. Yet, I decided I would because I didn’t have the heart to give the child up, or get an abortion. I was responsible for this child, and I decided I had to raise the baby myself.

I initially tried to get in touch with Jamie. After all, the baby is his responsibility too, and I was not going to prevent him from being a part of the child’s life if he wanted to. I didn’t manage to get in touch with him though. I left countless messages with his secretary and on his voicemail, but he never got back to me. I actually called Elise, to try to get in touch with him.

Elise apologized to me. She told me that she couldn’t stay with him. She felt too guilty. Elise and I had actually become pretty close too since our first conversation. She had come with me to a lot of my doctor’s appointments, and been my biggest support through this pregnancy. Elise had even moved in with me, to help me cover the rent. She had been my roommate, but slowly it had developed into more. I didn’t know how, or why. I had never liked another woman before, and the only person I ever felt so strongly for had been Jamie. Elise had defined love for me. Now, she, not Jamie, was preparing to help me raise my son. The chapter in my life that included Jamie was finally over, or so I believed.

Chapter 1- See I’m Smiling

“James Michael, get down here right now!” Elise yelled up the stairs of our townhouse.

Elise and I had really made a life four ourselves and “our” son James. I had gone back to school, and now taught theatre at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts. Elise now worked for Scholastic, and loved every minute of it. We had moved from our small two room apartment to a three story, four bedroom, townhouse. This all happened about two years after I had James. Elise and I had stopped fighting off our feelings for eachother and just let things happen. Since then, we had been in a happy, monogamous relationship. James has grown up calling Elise, Mama, and me, Mommy.

“What Mama?” James asked, coming down the stairs.

“What have we told you about leaving your shoes by the door?” Elise asked him, pointing to the shoes left in the foyer.

“You said I shouldn’t leave them there because someone could trip.” James replied, looking down at his feet.

“Yes, so why did you leave them there?” I asked, looking at my son’s guilty face.

“I forgot. I’m sorry Mama. I’m sorry Mommy.” James replied, picking up his shoes.

“It’s okay baby, but you need to be more careful. Especially now that Mama has your baby brother or sister in her belly.” I stated, picking James up. He was getting to big to hold.

“Would it hurt my baby brother or sister if she fell?” James asked, innocently, his blonde curls falling in his face as he spoke.

“Yes it would.” I replied, simply.

“Then I’ll be careful! I promise.” James proclaimed, hugging my neck.

I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. James was my life. Every time I saw him I could not help but smile. He looked a lot like Jamie though, and even though I was over Jamie sometimes that reminder brought back memories I would rather forget. I did see a lot of myself in James too. He had my ears and my nose. He also shared my love for music and theatre, even at such a young age. Elise and I agreed to get him guitar and singing lessons. He is a natural at singing, but Elise and I didn’t think it would hurt to get him lessons.

“James, why don’t you go get ready for your lessons?” I asked, putting him down.

“Ok, Mommy.” James replied, running up the stairs to get his music books and guitar.

“James is really something.” I stated, walking over to sit beside Elise on the couch.

“Cath, I really need to tell you something so you don’t end up with a shock later.” Elise said, catching my eye.

“What is it?” I asked. Elise and I were always brutally honest with each other, so whatever she had to say would be important. Her tone was what worried me. She sounded a bit afraid of what she had to tell me. What could it possibly be that she was so afraid to tell me?

“Jamie’s in town, and he’s doing a book signing and talk at the bookstore next to James’ music lessons.” Elise replied, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Oh god, what do you think I should do?” I asked.

“Well, Cath, his book is about your marriage to him. I think you should try to talk to him before or after the signing. He does have a right to know about James, even if he never answered any of your calls.” Elise replied, as she gently brushed stray strands of hair out of my face.

“You read his book?” I asked softly. I wasn’t angry. I was upset though. I was upset that Jamie wrote about something so personal to me, and didn’t even think to ask me if it was okay. Now, the whole world could read about my marriage that fell apart.

“I had to. My co-worker started talking about it and I had to read it. I wanted to be able to warn you about it so that you didn’t hear about it from anyone else. He used different names in the book, but anyone that knows you well, and knows you were married to Jamie at one point could easily figure it out. However, I wouldn’t worry too much Cath. He showed both his side, and your side. He actually made himself seem more of the bad guy than you. He blames himself it seems.” Elise told me in response.

“So you think I should try to talk to him?” I asked. This situation made me a nervous wreck.

“Yes, at least tell him about James. James deserves to know who his father is.” Elise stated.

“Your right and James has begun to ask about his father lately. Pretty soon I’m not going to be able to just brush it off.” I said.

“I’ll have dinner ready for when you come home. I’ll be prepared for if Jamie happens to come home with you and James.” Elise told me.

“Alright, I love you. Be careful making dinner, and call me if you need me.” I stated, as I walked over and kissed Elise.

“I will, and Cath, I’m pregnant not crippled. I can make dinner without hurting myself or the baby.” Elise said, as she pushed me toward the door where James was already waiting.

Chapter 2

“I’ll meet you right here when your lessons are over.” I said, as I pointed to the spot where James always met me.

“Ok, I love you Mommy!” James responded, as he kissed my cheek. He picked his guitar up, and headed back to the room where his lessons were held.

I watched my son walk away. He was growing up way too fast. He was only 8, but sometimes he acted wise beyond his years. Recently, James started asking about his father. So far, I had avoided answering him, usually changing the subject. What I was planning to do today, was for James; to be able to answer his recent questions about his father.

I approached Border’s and watched the crowd from the book talk disperse. Jamie would be preparing to leave. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see Jamie again, but I had no choice. This was for James, not me. As I looked inside I realized something; I knew nothing about Jamie anymore. For all I knew, he could be married, and have a whole new family by now. I knew nothing, and in a way that scared me.

I finally gained enough courage and walked in the store. I cautiously headed over to where the book talk was, and where I knew Jamie would be. I stopped once I reached there, and planted my feet. I could do nothing but stare at Jamie. In the eight years that we have been separated he had aged quite a bit. He looked much older, and I had to wonder what made him age so quickly. Gray hairs became prominent among his original blond. I continued to watch as he packed his things. He was speaking to a young girl, who I only assumed was his agent.

“May I help you?” the girl asked. She had spotted me, and walked over to where I stood, still frozen to the spot and staring at Jamie.

“I was just wondering, could I speak to Mr. Wellerstein for a moment?” I replied, softly. I must have looked like some crazed fan the way I was staring.

“I’m sorry, but his book talk ended a little while ago and he’s very busy.” The girl snapped, turning and walking back over toward Jamie.

“Well, it will only be a minute. I’m sure he can spare a moment to speak to the mother of his child.” I said, watching as the girl turned on her heal and glared at me.

“He has no son. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about! I think you need to leave.” The girl said, as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and pointed to the door.

“He wouldn’t know about his son!” I yelled, pissed at her attitude. I made sure that I yelled loud enough for Jamie to hear, before I turned around and walked out the way the girl was pointing. I headed right to the spot where I would meet James. I knew Jamie would follow shortly. Being with him for five years, I knew even the years since could not have possibly changed his curiosity. My comment definitely had to make him curious. No sooner had that thought crossed my mind, then the door to Border’s opened, and Jamie came darting out.

“Who are you, and how would you know if I had a son?” Jamie asked, slowly approaching me.

“Don’t you recognize me?” I asked, venomously. Time may have aged him, but not me. I still looked almost exactly the same. I may have dyed my hair, but other than that everything else about me was practically the same.

“Should I? Maybe if I saw you in the light I would recognize you.” Jamie responded, softly, having backed up a little bit at my outburst.

“Oh, come on Jamie. I can’t look that different in the dark. Even if you can’t see me you SHOULD recognize my voice! Eight years haven’t changed yours at all.” I stated.

“Cathy?” Jamie had questioned surprise evident in his voice.

“It sure took you long enough to figure that out.” I responded, stepping into the light so that he could see my face.

“So, Cathy, were you serious about me having a son?” Jamie asked, watching me.

“Why didn’t you return any of my calls?” I asked, ignoring his question for now.

“I don’t know. I mean I guess it was because I knew it was you who was calling.” Jamie replied.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, sending him a glare.

“Just as I had said. You were the one calling. Cathy, think about it. Our five year marriage ended, would you have answered any calls from me at that time?” he responded, gently.

“No, I was hurt. YOU hurt me! I on the other hand, did nothing to you.” I said.

“Well, I’m sorry. I thought you might have been calling to beg me to reconsider and get back together.” Jamie stated.

“Why the hell would I do that? As I said already Jamie, I was hurt. I would not have even thought to want you back at that point. YOU, the person who I married and was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, hurt me! I was hung up on the fact that the vows that we had made were broken. I would never have wanted you back at that point. No way, how could you even think that?” I said, in response to his statement.

“I don’t know, Cathy! How about the fact that you were almost calling me non-stop! I was trying to deal with my own god-damn issues and you kept calling! How was I supposed to know your reason for calling me?” he slung back.

“You were supposed to be the logical one! You were supposed to think like the super smart, nerdy man that I loved! But of course you didn’t! You would never do what I wanted!” I yelled, not realizing all the emotions I had stored through the years.

“Cath, what does logic have to do with anything?” Jamie asked, obviously frustrated with the way this conversation was going.

“Because Jamie, if you had used logic you easily could have figured out that I called for nine months straight. Nine months!” I responded, staring at him as I wiped the angry tears away from my eyes. At least, I told myself, they were angry tears.

“Nine months? Why nine months? Why not ten or six or even seven…or wait….nine months…you were pregnant that whole time?” he asked, finally getting the message.

“Yes, Jamie.” I stated, simply.

“Was the baby mine?” Jamie asked.

“Yes, HE is yours.” I replied.

“God, I messed up, didn’t I?” he asked, quietly, obviously shocked.

“I’d say.” I stated, trying to figure out why my stomach was starting to do flip flops, I was mad at him. Wasn’t I? Besides, I had Elise.

“What did you name him?” Jamie asked, studying me.

“I named him James, so he could at least have something of his father’s.” I replied.

“How old is he?” Jamie asked, causing me to almost laugh. Couldn’t he do the math?

“I’m eight.” I heard a voice behind me say; stopping my laughter dead in it’s tracks. I turned and saw James behind me. He looked up at me innocently. I don’t think he heard anything other than his name. I looked back toward Jamie. He was staring dumfounded, his mouth opening and closing like he wanted to speak, but no sound was coming out.

“Mommy, who is this?” James asked, coming to my side. He had his guitar in one hand and sheet music in the other.

“Cathy, can we talk about this over dinner? I’ll treat.” Jamie asked, before I could answer James. He was still staring at James, but he seemed to have regained his ability to speak.

“We can talk over dinner, but at my house. Elise is making dinner for us already.” I replied.

“Elise?” Jamie questioned curiosity evident.

“The same one; I’ve been with her for the past eight years.” I responded.

“With her meaning……?” he asked, obviously very confused.

“With her meaning as in a relationship with her.” I replied.

He could only stare at me in response. I saw the shock and confusion in his eyes. He was totally confused. I knew he would be. Shoot, I was confused myself. Seeing Jamie again brought back so many emotions. I felt the hurt and betrayal. I felt the sadness and anger again. I even felt the jealousy I used to feel. Yet, there was something else there, an emotion that I could not place. I almost forgot that James was with us until he spoke.

“Mommy, who is this man? And can we go soon I’m starving.” James whined, looking from me to Jamie and back again.

“James, relax. We’ll go home and eat in a minute. Why don’t you go put your things in the car, I’ll be there in a minute?” I responded, ignoring his first question for now.

“Okay, but hurry up. I’m really hungry!” James said, heading for the car.

“That’s our son?” Jamie asked, staring after James.

“The one and only,” I replied.

“He’s beautiful and seems very smart and well mannered.” Jamie stated.

“Yes, he is.” I said proudly.

“Now, what about dinner?” he asked.

“I believe I already invited you to join Elise, James and I tonight.” I replied.

“Ok, but where do you live?” Jamie asked.

“Well, why don’t you just follow me, and you’ll find out?” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Alright, just let me go get my car, and then I’ll follow.” Jamie said, heading into the parking lot. I watched him, and smiled when I saw him get into a Lexus. I waited until I saw him pull up, before walking to the car and getting in. I could not believe what was happening. My ex-husband was following me home. The woman he cheated with, my partner was cooking dinner for us. Our son was sitting in the car, having not a clue that he had just seen his father. My life suddenly felt like a movie.

Chapter 3

“This is a nice house that you have for yourself. Did you finally get a good part?” Jamie asked, getting out of his car.

“No, I'm actually a theatre professor at NYU.” I replied, as I opened the door and ushered James inside.

“That's great.” Jamie said, as he followed me inside.

“Elise, we're home and Jamie is here too.” I stated, heading toward the kitchen.

“Mommy, do you want me to go wash up before dinner?” James asked.

“Yes, please do that, honey.” I replied.

“Dinner is all ready.” Elise stated, walking out of the kitchen and toward us.

“Good, I'm sure it will be wonderful.” I stated, as I smiled at Elise.

“Elise, you're...are you...are you pregnant?” Jamie asked, fumbling for his words. Jamie seemed to be getting a lot of suprises.

“Yes, I am. I'll be having a brother or sister for James soon.” Elise replied.

“Congratulations.” Jamie stated, simply.

“Thank you. So, how have you been, Jamie?” Elise asked, as she lead him into the dining room. I followed along.

“I've been pretty good. Obviously, I've still been writing. I had been engaged, but I broke off the engagement.” Jamie responded.

“Why did you break it off?” I questioned, curiousity getting the better of me.

“Well, we just weren't compatible. I thought we were, but once we moved in together I realized it just wasn't going to work. We fought too much.” Jamie replied, looking at me, seeming to wonder why I cared.

“Sounds familiar.” I mumbled.

“Please, don't do that Cathy. I tried with you, I really did. I wanted it to work.” Jamie said, not letting me get away with what he heard.

“I'm going to go check on James and get dinner on the table.” Elise stated, as she excused herself.

“You tried! No, you cheated! If you really wanted it to work, Jamie, why did you cheat?” I yelled, not really expecting an answer.

“Because it wasn't working! I was trying and it just wasn't working! You wouldn't let me help you! I'll admit it was a stupid decision, but I can't change it. I'm sorry, Cathy, that's all I can really say here.” Jamie responded, yelling at first, but then speaking just above a whisper.

“Jamie, if you hadn't cheated I would have been willing to try to work through our problems.” I stated.

“Cathy, please listen to me.” he practically begged.

“What is it Jamie?” I asked, as I tried not to look at him. I knew I would cry if I looked at him. I wanted to think that I was angry, but the fact is I wasn't. I still cared about Jamie, and I felt bad now that I was finally hearing some of his side.

“I loved you more than anything. I wanted us to work. When all was said and done, I missed you. I even missed fighting with you! Cathy, I never stopped thinking about you, not even for a second. I wrote a book about our relationship because it helped me deal with the fact it was over. Yet, somehow I hoped we could work things out. I had this crazy dream that if we ever saw eachother again we would somehow be able to pick up right where we left off. I see we're still fighting like old times, but you have moved on. I couldn't do that. The woman that I was engaged to reminded me of you. That's the reason I was with her. That's also why I broke it off with her, I wasn't being fair to her. I was chasing ghosts with her. I still love you Cathy, but now I know that it can never be again.” he told me.

I started crying. That was the only reaction I could have had. I felt completely horrible. I had moved on and started a new relationship and here Jamie was telling me that he had never gotten over me. I wasn't completely sure how I felt. Jamie was here, pouring his heart out to me. What was I supposed to do? The only logical thing to do was give him a hug and before I processed what I was doing, that's precisely what I did.

“I'm sorry Jamie, I really am. I was hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry.” I said, as I tried to slow my tears.

“Cathy, you have nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong. I cheated, what else were you supposed to do?” he responded, his voice sounded quiet and choked.

“I know, I'm just sorry that things didn't work out for us.” I stated, as I looked up at him and into his deep, chocolate eyes.

“It's alright, Cathy. I just have to hope that now you'll allow me to have a part in our son's life.” he said.

“Of course. I wanted you in his life from the beginning, but I couldn't get in touch with you.

“Thank you. I'm sorry if I'm intruding into your new life.” Jamie said, as he pulled away from our embrace.

“Your not intruding. I'm glad to have you back in my life. I really and truly mean that. Try as I might, I could never hate you or stop caring about you. I always wondered how you were and where you were.” I told him.

“Well, now you'll always know. I intend to be around for my son now.” Jamie said.

“Good, I know he'll like that.” I stated.

“When are you going to tell him?” he asked.

“Probably after we have dinner.” I replied, simply.

“Do you think he'll take it well?” Jamie asked.

“Well, I know he'll be happy, but he might get mad at me for not telling him about you sooner. He's a pretty smart kid and he's been asking a lot of questions lately.” I responded.

“I bet he takes after his mother.” Jamie said, as he gave me a huge grin.

“Sometimes, but he also carries many characteristics of his father.” I told him.

“Oh ,he better be careful not to make the same mistakes as his father.” he joked.

“That'll only get him in trouble.” I stated, as I played along with Jamie's joke.

“Get who in trouble?” James asked, as he walked into the room, followed by Elise.

“You.” I replied.

“Me? What did I do?” he questioned, his eyes wide with fear.

“Nothing, except of course being you.” I responded.

“Why would THAT get me in trouble?” James asked, obviously confused.

“James, there's someone you need to meet.” I said.

“Who?' James asked, as he looked around the room.

“Jamie.” I responded.

“But Mom, I already met him after my guitar lesson.” he stated.

“Yes, but James, Jamie isn't just a friend of mine for you to meet as I had said earlier.” I told him.

“Well, then who is he?” he asked.

I looked at Jamie. He gave me a reassuring smile. I knew he wanted me to tell him. I also knew I had to tell him. I was simply afraid of the reaction James may have. James tended to overreact sometimes, and he was still a kid. I didn't want to upset him, but he had to know Jamie was his father. It wasn't fair to either of them if I continued the lie. I looked over at Elise standing in the doorway, and her supporting smile gave me the strength to do what I had to.

“James, Jamie is your father.” I responded.

“What do you mean?” James asked, as he looked between Jamie and me.

“She means just what she said, I'm your dad.” Jamie said, saving me from having to answer James frantic question.

“You can't be! I don't have a dad! I never have!” James yelled. James anger scared me. I had seen him have many emotions, but this sudden display of anger was something I had never seen. James was an emotional kid, but usually very soft spoken.

“James, please calm down. It's okay.” Elise interjected.

“Why? Why didn't she tell me? I asked about my father and she never told me!” James yelled.

“James, I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want to get your hopes up. I honestly, didn't think I'd ever see Jamie again.” I said, as I knelt down in front of James to be at eye level.

“Mom, you still could have told me!” James yelled, causing me to flinch a little.

“James, don't blame your mother, it's my fault.” Jamie chimed in.

“Why isn't it her fault? She never told me! She probably never even told you about me!” James responded, angrily. He was hurting me more than he could possibly know. He had been my life for the last eight years, so these comments hurt me deeply.

“James, your mother tried to get me into your life before you were even born. I ignored every message she sent me. Your mother loves you, and all she wants is for you to be happy. I think the reason she never told you about me, is because I didn't respond. She didn't think I wanted any part of you, and she didn't want you to get hurt.” Jamie said.

“Did you?” James asked.

“Had I answered your mother's calls and found out about you, yes. But, I didn't know about

you. I didn't want to talk to your mother after what I did to her, that's why I didn't answer any of her calls or messages.” Jamie replied.

“Don't worry about that though, it's in the past. Jamie and I are friends now. What happened back then doesn't matter now, James.” I told him, patting his head.

“So are you going to be in my life now, or are you going to leave now that you met me?” James asked, staring at Jamie. For an eight year old, the venom behind his voice was shocking.

“James, that's uncalled for!” Elise scolded.

“Mama, I want to know.” James said.

“Elise, he has a right to know. “I'll answer him. James I want to have a part in your life now. However, that's a decision is not only mine to make. Your mothers need to discuss it and decide if they want me in your life after all these years. You also need to decide if you want me in your life.” Jamie responded.

“I'll think about it.” James said, coldly, before running out of the room. I could only assume he ran up to his room.

Helpless

So, first of all i must say why do horrible things happen to such good people? First of all, my coworker, Margaret, who is like another mom to me. I call her my pharmacy mom. She comes back to work tomorrow, after having surgery for a hernia. But, she has to go out for more surgery. Plus she's struggling and almost cried as she spoke to me yesterday because TODAY Oct. 5th is the one year anniversary of her husbands death. I remember when he died, it was sudden. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and within 3 months he was gone. I've been with her since, working by her side when she's had break downs and struggles. It's horrible and I don't understand it because she's such a kind, caring and amazing woman.

Then on top of it all two of my good friends were upset tonite. One because her best friends boyfriend may have killed himself and another for a reason I cannot and will not type here because it's not something I know if she wants widely shared. Whatever the case is, it goes abck to my non-understanding. I just don't get it.

It also bring about this helpless feeling in my gut. I want to help so bad, but I know there's nothing I can do. All I can do is offer support. Whether they take it or not is another question. Yet, still even support isn't what I want. I want to be able to make all the pain and anguish go away. I don't want to see them upset. I don't want to see them cry. I want them to come to me, when they get like that. Yet, I wish there was something I could do to solve the problems, to make everything better. I care so deeply and it pains me not being able to do anything at all. I wish I could take all their pain away and take it on myself sometimes. I would if I knew it would help. Yet, it just seems like I can do nothing, and I hate that. Yes, letting them vent and talking to them is one thing, but I just wish I could do more. So much more. Just listening, well it makes me feel horrible for them and it really does make me want to take it away. Yet, here I am repeating myself over and over because I can't.

*UPDATE*

So i went to bed shortly after I typed this up. I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard all this ruckus outside my house. Then I heard my grandparents screaming from downstairs. I walked out in the living room, mind you its 2:30 in the morning, and my grandpa is leaving the house. Apparently all the noise i heard was an ambulance. My aunt, who lives next door, couldn't breathe and was going to the hospital. My grandpa was going to follow behind so she had someone there with her because she was scared. I was like jeez, today needs to be over because apparently it wasn't a good day for anyone. I don't know how my aunt is yet, but apparently my grandpa just got home now and its 9am. So I'll find out soon hopefully. I'm just like GAH!

Crash&Burn

Okay, so it seems to me like every single time I feel good and I feel like I'm doing well and am starting to come into my own and get back on my feet, there's something that just shocks me and sets me back and makes me have doubts. It seems like I was so confident last year when I started college and now it's all down the tubes.

I come out of my health class and Sue sees me and calls me over. Then she proceeds to start apologizing to me. I don't know what she's apologizing for, so I'm just staring at her. Finally I ask why, and she tells me. "So we have our table today, and I was sitting there giving information and having people fill out the sign up sheet and this girl comes up. She looked familiar but I didn't know why, and so I gave her all the information. Well after she walks away I look at the sheet and go oh shit that was Ariel." and then she kept apologizing to me. I mean, it isn't her fault. We're a club we're supposed to welcome all members of the student body.

I just don't know how I feel about it. I'm a bit upset. I mean, it may be selfish reasons but she really hurt me and these are my friends who helped me through it. This was my club and still is as I'm vice president of it with Sue as president. To have my ex-g/f who hurt me so deeply join, well I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I'm going to react if she walks into the classroom next Wed. for the meeting. I haven't seen or talked to her since we broke up 4 months ago.

In a way, and this may sound selfish, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my friends who have stuck by me through the whole break up and been there for me the entire time, are going to meet her and like her more than me. I'm afraid that their going to think I lied about all she did to me because they'll meet her and think she is super sweet. I don't know how likely that is, but it's a fear I have. Plus, my friend Nicole, who I just reconnected with recently and got to join RA used to like Ariel ,and doesn't know Ariel is the ex that literally broke my heart. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't know if they were still friends or not. So I don't even know what's going to happen with my friends in rainbow alliance and that scares me. It's like what happens if I lose them or if they like her better after everything she did to me?

I think selfishly i'm also upset because it's been my club since i started college. I was one of the first members when it was reformed and there were like 5 of us in the club. I helped shape it into the larger group that it is becoming this semester. I work with Sue to come up with ideas for fundraising and events. Yet, here she is joining and I guess I kind of feel like she's invading my turf. As selfish as that is. I don't know.

I don't know why this is even getting to me. I was so confident last year. I was like I'm me, and I don't care what anyone thinks. Now, lately, I feel like I'm doubting everything. I'm doubting how my friends really feel about me. I'm doubting it all, and I don't know why.

Best Kept Secret

So my stress level has been rapidly growing the last few days. Last night was the worst. I was literally spazzing out. Now,I'm not one to get angry enough and stressed enough to throw things usually. Yet, last night I threw my business law book across the room, and lost mel's pen that was in it in the process.

All of my stress last night revolved around one thing. MY BROTHER. My brother is being a complete idiot. Now, my dad isn't in the best health right now. He was in the hospital about two weeks ago, with symptoms of a heart attack. Since then he's been going for all kinds of tests on his heart. So I've been worried, as I'm a major Daddy's girl and am really worried about losing him now more than ever. On top of that my brother is only increasing my dad and my mom's stress.

MY parents found out that my SIXTEEN year old brother has been smoking for over a year. They also found out he drinks and my mother suspects he smokes pot too. My brother's excuse is that EVERYBODY does it, that 99.9% of his school does it. That's complete bullshit. I went to that school. I never did any of that shit and neither did half my friends. Okay, so MAYBE some of my friends drank, but not all of them. NONE of them smoked. I never did either. Anyway, needless to say my parents are both very upset.

My mother keeps asking me what she did wrong in raising him. I tell her nothing, but it doesn't make her stop questioning that. I'm so pissed at him. He makes her and my dad upset. My mom's been crying. He talks to them like their garbage. He leaves the house randomly without telling them where he's going, and now they know why. I just can't believe he'd do this to them. He really has them upset. I can't even say that enough because it's an understatement.

There's a thought in the back of my mind that won't go away though. My mom keeps saying "What could possibly be so bad that he'd feel he needed to do that?" and my mind goes to me. The one thing he's been complaining about and making little subtle comments about has been me being gay. So even though i know I shouldn't, I can't help but think that maybe that's why. Mels already told me not to think that way, and not to blame myself. Yet, I can't help that thought from forming. I can try and tell myself it's not true, but it doesn't make it go away. I thought I was a good role model. I thought he knew better and that I had set a better example for him. I'm his big sister, and I always tried to leave the line of communication open. Yet, apparently I was not a good enough role model or example as he did all the things I never did and never wanted him to do.

I'm just really upset, hurt, angry and disappointed with my brother. Like I don't even want to talk to him. Especially because he's lied to me. He trusted me at one point! He used to tell me the stupid stuff he'd do. He told me the first time he ever drank. I didn't tell him a disapproved. I did tell my parents, just to make them aware. He never knew I told them. So I don't know what I did for him to stop confiding in me! He lied to me, and continues to. Like today he came in reeking of smoke and told me it's because he was with our neighbor who smokes and that all the kids were smoking coming out of the high school. Apparently, he has no clue I know. I just...I don't even want to talk to him because all it's doing is pissing me off more and more. I think I'm more mad at him than anything else. I'm mad that he had to pull this shit. He should know better.

Too Close For Comfort

So today I had my first day of classes. It started off horrible and it only got worse. I don't know why because usually even with something like what happened I try to be an optimist. I think it really hit me for some reason and with all the stress i'm feeling my emotions only intensified. I feel the need to blog is at A. Blogs always help and B. none of my friends are home yet so i'm kind of stuck.

So the first thing that happened almost as soon as I got on campus was I saw Ariel. I was walking up to the instructional building for my psychology class and there she was. I don't know why it bothered me, maybe because the next thought to cross my mind was that tomorrow is her birthday. But I got a bit upset. Not as bad as I have been previously at the thought of her, but still it hurt. She was smiling and seemed to belong there and it just made me feel like i didn't. Like the school I had been in for a year, my college was now her college too and like she belonged and suddenly I didn't.

So I went to pyschology class feeling like crap. I listened tot he prof. talk about expectations and THEN she started lecturing right away and I already have reading and such to do for that class. Looking at the syllabus stresses me out b/c it looks like it will so much work, plus i have 4 other classes.

Then, I got to my health class. Who sits next to me but this stalker kid I hate! He's like "Your tegan&sara girl right?" b/c he randomly came and sat next to me in the cafeteria last semester and looked at my itunes and asked who tegan and sara were. Then he preceded to ask me questions. Thne he asked me out. Of course i turned him down and told him i only dated girls. Well, then the idiot preceded to tell me he could change that. THIS is the kid who is now sitting next to me in health class! I freaked out. To top that off my health professor already gave us 5 assignments and he didn't even get to finish the lecture he started today. It's fucking HEALTH CLASS and the syllabus looks even worse than my Psychology class. So that stresses me out too.

So that has been my day so far. Now i'm trying to stop spazzing because I need to go to work in an hour and 15 minutes. So yeah.....that's been my day so far.

Undiscovered Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I was so nervous about meeting Grace outside. I had no idea why she wanted to meet. Could she possibly like me as I liked her? I doubted it. My luck was never that good. None of those things ever work out for me. So I couldn't hep but wonder what it could possibly be. Then again, she could just want to hang out with me.

I walked outside, trying to find out where Grace was. I didn't see her immediately. Yet, then I caught a glimpse of a familiar head of hair. Grace was across the street. She was standing there waving me over. I looked over at her and smiled. As nervous and confused as I seemed to get around her, she also had a crazy effect on me, and I seemed to not be able to stop smiling when I saw her.

I ran across the street. I didn't even check to see if the light was red. A taxi cab honked at me, but I didn't care. I just ran across to get to Grace as soon as possible. I was going absolutely crazy from the sheer curiosity. I wanted to know why she had wanted to take me outside alone. I stopped in front of her.

“Alright, so what's up?” I asked, unable to contain my curiosity anymore. I observed her face, looking for any clues as to what she could possibly be talking about. She was just smiling, and watching me, the same way. She gave me no clues as to what she could possibly want.

“Well, I just wanted to talk to you. Ask you a few questions. You don't have to answer them, I'm just curious.” Grace responded. Her grin only widened as she spoke. She had no idea what that smile was doing to me. She had no idea how crazy a simple smile could make a person. Just that look on her face increased the feeling of the butterflies in my stomach.

“Alright, what would you like to talk to me about?” I asked. I tried to make eye contact, but she looked down. Was she nervous? I couldn't help but wonder. If not, why didn't she want to make eye contact with me? That peeked my curiosity even more. I just watched her.

“Well...you are....okay I'm going to be blunt. You're a lesbian right?” She asked, blushing as she finally asked the question. I nearly laughed. I was out and proud, was it that hard to ask. It wasn't something to be ashamed of as it was fairly obvious, especially if someone listened to my song lyrics.

“Yes, yes I am.” I said, unable to contain a small chuckle. The way she had asked had amused me.

“How did you know? Does your family know?” Grace asked. Now, I was curious as to why she was probing for these answers. Did she think she might be gay? Was she confused? I looked at her, still smiling.

“Well, I knew the moment that I realized that I didn't find guys anything more than physically attractive. I can see where they are cute, but I couldn't think of them as anything more than that. I couldn't picture myself with a guy. I couldn't imagine it at all. As for my family, well I don't really see my family. My family is now Adam and Nate. So, yes they know. They've always known.” I responded, giving her a reassuring smile.

“Oh, well they'd obviously be fine with it.” She mumbled.

I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it. It was obvious to me now that she was struggling with whatever reason she had for asking me these questions. I sighed. I wanted her to know I was there for her. The feeling of her hand in mine sent a jolt up my arm. It felt amazing and like it belonged there. Yet, I wasn't trying to push anything. I was only offering my support.

“Thanks. I just....well I think I might be gay, but I don't know. If I am, my family would never accept it. Their always speaking out against homosexuality. I don't know exactly what they'd do if they ever thought or found out I was gay. They'd probably disown me.” Grace said softly. She gave my hand a slight squeeze.

“Well, that's why my actual family has no idea. My dad was.....abusive towards my mother. I don't even want to think about what might have occurred if he knew that I was gay.” I told her. I didn't know why I was being so outright with her. Maybe it was because I wanted her to know the truth, and to know that she could come to me. Maybe it was the deep connection I had felt with her from the moment I had first laid eyes on her. Whatever it was, I felt the need to be totally honest with her.

“Oh, so what did you do? Run away?” Grace asked. Her eyes registered shock and worry at what I had just told her. She had no reason to worry. I was away from it all. Adam and Nate took good care of me and would never allow anything to happen to me. Not if they could help it. I had no doubt that if my father ever showed up they would protect me and make sure he didn't touch me. Yet, that thought was the one thing that worried me. If he ever showed up, I had no idea what would happen.

“Yes. I ran away when I was 15. I knew Nate my whole life and so it was easy to just come here and live with him. He didn't waste any time, he took me inside in a heartbeat. He knew my dad and knew what I ran away from. When I explained the situation to him, well he would never let me go back.” I explained. Nate was my best friend, but he had become my guardian that day when I had shown up at his front door. Him and Adam had both taken me under their wing and now they were stuck with me. I don't think either of them minded though.

“I don't know what I'd do if my parents suspected anything. Yet, I know that....I feel something I've never felt before for....well....um....” Grace was stumbling over her words and blushing. I stared at her before looking down at our hands. She hadn't pulled her hand away. I had hope that maybe just maybe the feelings she was speaking of were for me. Yet, she had only met me once before and we had barely spoken.

“Um, well have you always had these feelings? When did you really notice them?” I asked, hoping to help her out. I gave her hand another squeeze, wondering when and if she'd pull it away.

“Well, I've kind of always felt that I might like girls. I just never knew what to think of it. My family didn't really talk about that kind of thing. They didn't consider it normal. Then, I moved here with my sister and met a few of her gay friends and saw that there were many gay men and lesbian women around here. So it kind of made me see that I wasn't the only one, which I had felt like back home. Then, well.....I saw you.” Grace told me. When she said the last part, I almost didn't hear her. She was blushing again and now she had decided to pull her hand away. I stared at her, wondering if I had heard that last part correctly.

“Me? You saw me? What does that have to do with anything?” I blurted out, completely shocked.

“Um...well you see.....I always liked girls, but then I saw you that day and I....liked you. Then we talked that day and I liked you even more. You were the clincher for me. I wanted to ask you out, but then I was so confused by those thoughts and I'm just going to shut up now. You probably don't like me anyway.” Grace said, nervously.

“No! I do. I do....I thought you were straight.” I stated, chuckling. I honestly had pinned her a typical straight girl. I tended to fall for straight girls more often than not and I thought this was going to be the case as usual. Yet, here I was shocked. I'm sure it had registered on my face, but she didn't seem to notice.

“Really! You like me too!” Grace was ecstatic. I could tell just by glancing at her. In the next second she had thrown her arms around me, and didn't seem like she was going to let go. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I felt her lips on mine. I was shocked, but I kissed her back anyway.

“Oh no....I-I have to go. I'm supposed to meet my sister. I just.....I wanted to talk to you. I'll call you! You can call me too.” Grace said. She pulled away quickly, blushing almost bright red, before running off down the street.

I watched her go completely and utterly stunned. She had kissed me. SHE had kissed ME! I didn't think that was possible. The girl who I had been fantasizing about since I first saw her, actually liked me and made the first move. THAT was shocking. Especially since she wasn't out of the closet. I only hoped she wouldn't regret it when she got home. I put my hand to my lips and smiled. This had been the best day of my life so far.

Adventures with Mels, Carey and Lauren

Undiscovered Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I woke up the next day with a smile on my face. I had dreams about Grace all night. Even if we remained friends I would be happy to have her in my life. The dreams however were of us in a relationship. I dreamed that we were married and were starting a family. We were in the process of adopting a little girl. I wanted to marry, and have a family with someone one day. This dream, however, had me thinking that maybe Grace is that person. Yet, I just met her and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Anyway, I didn't even know if she was gay. With my luck, she wouldn't be and all my thoughts and dreams would be just that. Either way, I didn't care. I would be here friend no matter what, and if she wasn't interested in girls I would find her a man that would treat her right.

“Good morning Angel!” Adam said, as he waltzed into my room. I groaned, and covered my face with my arm as he opened my curtains.

“Angel, get up, you have a gig in an hour and I am going to do your hair! I'm sick of the long, flowing locks, you need something different.” Adam stated, watching me.

I rolled my eyes. Adam always wanted to do something with my hair. Last time he said that, he had decided to die my hair and I ended up with blue hair. I had hated it, and made him buy more dye so that I could make my hair a normal color again. That is why I was afraid when he told me he was going to do something with my hair. I didn't want a repeat of the last time. Yet, I got up and dressed anyway.

Surprisingly he didn't plan to dye my hair. He wanted to cut it. I shut my eyes, afraid to know what he was going to do. Cutting hair was more permanent than dying it. With dying you could always redye it, with cutting you had to wait until it grew back. I opened my eyes when he said that he was done and smiled. He had cute it to my shoulders and made choppy layers. I loved it and was glad it didn't take too long, as I really did have to get to my gig.

“Now, come on. Let's get you to your gig.” Adam said, putting an arm around my shoulders. I wondered where Nate was. Usually they both accompanied me to gigs, and both stayed and watched if they could. Yet, as I though about it, I realized that Nate had to work. He had told me that, I had simply forgot until that moment. I just went with Adam, hopping into his car, and going through my show in my head. I knew what songs I wanted to sing where and when.

I was a bit nervous as I got to my gig. I always got nervous before a show. It was an adrenaline rush once I was on stage. Yet, as I prepared to get on stage I was always nervous. It was only a natural reaction. Adam tried to help me set up, but he really had no idea what to do, so I sent him down to the seats and finished up myself. I scanned the crowd as I sat on stage waiting for them to announce the beginning of my gig. I saw some regulars who always came to my gigs, but other than that the only face that I recognized was Adam.

As my name was announced, and the lights went down, my adrenaline started pumping. I loved the rush that being on stage and performing gave me. I loved the feeling in the pit of my stomach as I performed. My gig went well, and it was almost over when I spotted another familiar face in the crowd. This face was unexpected, and next to her was Nate.

I felt my heart start pounding even more in my chest than it had been before. Grace was here with Nate, watching me perform. Suddenly, my nerves had returned and my adrenaline had lessened. The feeling that seeing Grace gave me was unexplainable. Since I saw her that first time, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. Yet, whenever I thought of her I became discombobulated and confused. I knew I liked her, yet I had never felt such strong emotions for anyone before. Let alone someone I saw only once before.

I continued to sing. I knew my voice must have been shaking. I knew that my hands were shaking as I tried to play guitar. Yet, I kept going. A whole new song, that I had not sung or written before that night was flowing from my lips. I had no idea what was happening. I just kept going, singing a brand new song without having practiced it. Grace had sparked something in me, and here I was performing brand new material. It amazed and shocked me.

When I got off stage, I packed up my stuff and ran over to Adam. Adam looked thrilled as always. He was always so excited when my gigs were over. He always seemed to think they went better than I thought that they did. He was the confidence that I lacked most of the time. Nate, on the other hand, was always the blunt one. He was the one who told me when things went wrong and was completely and utterly honest.

As I reached Adam, he threw his arms around me. I was glad that I had left my guitar on the stage for the time being. He picked me up and spun me around. He absolutely positively gave me more credit than I felt that I deserved. He was always the one who gave me the most support.

“Angel, that was amazing! Seriously, every time I see you it's better and better. You amaze me chica!” Adam yelled.

He continued to spin me around. I giggled. I loved Adam. He could always bring a smile to my face. He was carrying me. Next thing I knew I heard a sweet and quiet voice behind me. The voice was making me nervous. I looked at Adam, as he placed me down on the ground. I was now face to face with Grace. I felt the butterflies in my stomach, before I even knew what was going on. Grace had come to my show. That had made my day. Yet, I still couldn't figure out how she had got there.

“Hey. Meet me outside in five minutes.” Grace whispered in my ear, smiling at me. Then within seconds she was gone.

I was left reeling from the feeling of her breath so close. It smelt like cinnamon and it was so warm as she whispered in my ear. I was reeling. I looked at Adam and Nate and they both pointed me toward my guitar and then the door. I sighed and grabbed my guitar before making my way to the door. I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was I had nervous butterflies in my stomach.

Undiscovered Chapter 2

This is the last finished chapter I have of Undiscovered.

Chapter 2

We walked into the café, still laughing and giggling from the walk there. I smiled at the warmth of the café and took my jacket off placing it on a chair to hold a table for the three of us. The boys followed my lead and did the same, before following me to the line to give our order. I looked at them. They were so cute together. Nate had his arm around Adam’s shoulder and they were talking sweetly to each other about how the day had been so far. I had never seen a cuter couple. Many people would frown because they were gay, but they were in love and love is love. It doesn’t matter whether it was love between a gay couple or straight couple, love is the same for every relationship. The two of them complimented each other greatly. Where Nate was tough and could have a temper sometimes, Adam was very calm and sweet. They evened each other out and you could tell just by looking at them that they were soul mates. Sometimes when I was with them I felt like a third wheel, but I always got over it.

“Can I help you?” the girl at the counter asked. I stared at her. She was gorgeous. She had beautiful blue eyes and long, wavy blond hair that seemed to cascade down her back, though it was pulled back into a ponytail for work.

“Uh, I’d like…” I was rendered speechless and could not finish my sentence when I saw her eyes. They were blue as the ocean, and I got lost in them. I vaguely heard Adam and Nate ordering behind me and felt myself being pushed forward, but I was still looking into her smiling eyes. She smiled and then turned to the next set of customers. I looked at Nate and Adam who were giving me a strange look.

“What?” I asked, irritated.

“You like her don’t you?” Adam asked, gently, in response.

“No, I just, she looks familiar.” I stated, making up an excuse.

“Liar, you caught her eye and couldn’t look away. Plus I’ve never seen you speechless before. You like her.” Nate said, smiling at me as he grabbed our drinks from the pickup counter.

“I, guess. She just. There’s something different about her guys. I don’t know what it is. I just. When I saw her I just felt something. She can’t be gay though. Things just don’t work that way for me.” I told them.

“She could be gay. Let’s see. You can’t really tell by her outfit because it’s her uniform. Let’s see she gets points because her fingernails are short, plus look at the way she interacts with the girls who are ordering as opposed to the guys. There’s just a different look when it comes to girls. So it is possible she’s gay, but at the same time you can never be sure without talking to her.” Adam stated.

“I’m not just going to go up to her and be like ‘hey are you a lesbian’ that’d be weird!” I stated, staring at Adam trying to figure out what his last statement meant.

“I’m not saying you have to. I’ll go talk to her, see how I feel about her and try to get it out of her somehow.” Adam told me. “You get your butt up there and perform. Show her what your made of.”

“Oh man, please don’t embarrass her or me.” I said, watching as he walked over to the counter. I looked at Nate, afraid of how this could turn out. Nate gave me a gentle shove toward the mic. I grabbed my guitar and headed over. I performed a simple song I had written, and watched Adam as I performed. When I was done, I walked back over to Nate. Adam was still at the counter with the girl.

“Don’t worry he’s good at this. He’s not going to make anything obvious. He’s just going to go and talk to her. It can’t hurt.” Nate said, squeezing my hand across the table.

“You promise?” I asked Nate, still nervous about what Adam was doing.

“Yes, I promise. Adam would never do anything that would embarrass you or hurt you in any way. If he does it right she won’t even know he’s over there for you.” Nate stated, with a smile.

I looked over at Adam. He had the girl laughing. They were deep in conversation, both of them smiling and laughing occasionally. I wondered what he was talking to her about. I wished I could go and join the conversation, but then she would know. If I were to go over she would know that Adam was talking to her for me, wouldn’t she? She would. They seemed to be having a nice conversation though, it didn’t seem like he was making her feel awkward, which was what I was afraid of wasn't it. As I watched, I saw her take her apron off and follow Adam to our table. I looked at Nate with a nervous smile.

“Hey guys, this is Grace. Grace this is my boyfriend Nate, and our friend Angel. Grace is new to town. She just moved here with her sister last month, and got this job hoping to make friends.” Adam said, pulling out the chair next to me for Grace, before sitting down in his seat next to Nate.

“That’s awesome, have you met anyone yet?” Nate asked.

“Not really, most of the people who work here already know each other or much older. I’m just the new girl, and nobody has really welcomed me. I was actually surprised when he came up to talk to me though I’m grateful.” Grace answered.

“How old are you?” I asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

“I’m sixteen. You?” Grace replied

“I’m sixteen too. Adam’s twenty, and Nate’s eighteen.” I told her, softly.

“Don’t mind Angel she can be a little shy with new people, but I’m sure you guys will get along fine.” Adam states, making me blush.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I can be shy too, but it’s kind of hard to be shy when you are trying to make friends in a new place.” Grace said, smiling at me.

“ I guess so. Where are you from?” I asked, a little more sure of myself.

“I’m from Philadelphia, so it’s a difference but it’s just a new city. It’s not like I’m not used to living in the city.” Grace responded.

“That’s cool.” I said, unsure of where to take the conversation.

“Grace is an actress. She came here with her sister to go to auditions and be closer to the theatre district.” Adam told us.

“That’s so awesome! I like to sing. My dream is to be in a Broadway show.” I stated, smiling at her.

“Have you ever been to one?” She asked.

“No, I, well we really don’t have the money to go to shows.” I replied to Grace honestly.

“Well, my sister would take you. She’d be thrilled to take someone with us. I usually go with her and her fiancee and she’d be glad I had someone to go with.” Grace said.

“Really?” I asked, excitedly.

“Of course, would you like to come with us one day?” She asked in response.

“Of course, I mean that is if I’m allowed.” I responded, looking at Nate and Adam.

“Why would we say no?” Adam asked, slapping my arm playfully.

“I don’t know I just figured I should ask.” I told him.

“I’ll ask my sister tonight. Do you have a cell phone or anything I could call?” Grace asked.

“Uh, I don’t have a cell phone but I can give you the number to our apartment.” I stated.

“Okay.” She said, taking a napkin and pulling a pen from her pocket, ready to write down the number.

“Now you can say that you made friends here.” Adam stated, watching me write our number down.

“Yeah, my sister will be happy. She has been teasing me that I must be antisocial to not have made any friends yet. Now I can prove her wrong.” Grace responded, ripping the napkin and handing it to me after writing her own number down for me. I could not help but smile.

“Not making friends doesn’t make you antisocial. In this city, everyone is so focused on themselves, that it’s kind of hard to make friends. Most people here will only introduce themselves and befriend you if they want something from you.” I stated.

“Oh, so you must want something from me?” Grace joked.

“Who says I’m most people?” I teased, in return.

“Oh, so you just befriended me for the hell of it?” she asked in response.

“Yeah, I would say so.” I replied.

“In your opinion, that’s unlikely though, isn’t it?” Grace asked.

“Well maybe I do have a reason for befriending you.” I stated, simply.

“That would be?” Grace asked.

“None of your business.” I replied, with a smirk.

“Really now, it’s none of my business?” Grace asked, looking right into my eyes.

“Yeah, it’s none of your business.” I stated. I was amazed that I hadn't stuttered when she caught me in her gaze. Her eyes, really were beautiful.

“Well, then I should get back to work. I’ll call you though. By the way, I liked you performance before, very beautiful.” Grace told me, smiling and waving to Nate and Adam before she walked back behind the counter, and put her apron back on.

“Let’s go home, it just started snowing again. We should get home before it gets too late.” Adam said, standing up. Nate and I followed his lead.

The walk home was quiet. Nate and Adam quietly whispered to eachother. I wasn't sure what they were talking about, and I didn't really care. I was off in my own world. I couldn't stop thinking about Grace. I knew that the likelihood of her being gay, and single was slim. It didn't stop me from dreaming. I could picture holding her close, and feeling her lips on mine. I could picture the sweet smell of coffee and tea from her working in the café. I could picture cuddling up with her and watching a movie. I could picture her smiling at me as we lie content in eachother’s arms. I hoped that it was possible for us to be together, as slim as I thought that possibility was. If it happened I would be the happiest person alive.

Undiscovered Prologue and chapter 1

Okay, so here's part of a story I wrote when I was a freshman in high school, and started to completely rewrite about a year ago. I'm not really too fond of how it's coming along.

Undiscovered
Prologue

To tell you my story I need to first start by telling you that singing is very important to me. I sing everyday. Singing makes people feel good. Singing can cheer anyone up, and it can get a message across. Singing is a way of life for me. Singing is the only thing that can always make me happy. Singing is what brought me to my first true love. Singing is what cheered my best friend up in his final moments. Singing ties everything together.

With that said I may begin my tale. My name is Angel Marie Marcus. I’m 18 years old, and I live with my friend Nate in a small apartment in New York. It's a cheap apartment. The rent isn't much, and the apartment doesn't have heat or any of the other luxuries that most people take for granted. That, however, is not important. Only my story is important.

This story is about a first love. This story is about self discovery, and most importantly this story is about friendship. I don’t know where I would have been during all this if it wasn’t for my friends. The only one still with me is Nate, but this story involves others. Love can change a life, and my first love changed mine forever. She taught me so much, in just a few short months. Now she’s gone from my life, but she has made a permanent imprint on me. So I shall start my story from the beginning. I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1

I woke up to the sun shining on my face. It was cold in my little room., of course it was, we had no heat. We usually used the fireplace, but that was in the main room, and didn't help to keep my bedroom warm at all. We never sleep with the fireplace lit anyway, for fear we’d start a fire. I lived with my best friend Nate. I had known him my whole life. Our mothers had been friends since they were kids so it was only natural that their kids should be friends too. Nate was two years older than me, he was 18 years old, and I was only 16. Nate was what most girls would call cute. He was tall, maybe about 6 feet and he was pretty built, as poor as we were he still manages to work out. He had curly, blond hair in a bowl cut., and sky blue eyes that made the girls go crazy. Sadly for them, he was gay and taken.

My other roommate was his boyfriend Adam. Adam was absolutely, amazing. He was about 5 feet 8 inches, and was really skinny. He had, buzzed, black hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes. He was Spanish so he had the perfect tan. He spoke both English and Spanish. He did most of the cooking and cleaning for us. He was also the oldest, at 20 years old. He was, what could only be described as, the mother hen. He made sure that I got to school, he would not let me drop out just because I ran away from home. He made sure I got enrolled when I moved to New York.

I ran away from home last year, when I was 15. I could not take it anymore. My mother worked two jobs just to make ends meat and then my Dad wasted it all buying his alcohol. Then he would come home and hit my mom. I was always locking myself in my sisters room to make sure he didn’t touch her or me. It got to be too much. When he crashed his car on my birthday it was the last straw. My mom went to the hospital to see him ,and I left while she was gone. I told my sister where she could contact me, and not to worry I knew where I was going. She was 12 at the time. The next day I showed up on Nate and Adam’s doorstep. The rest is history.

I smiled and bundled further under my covers. I loved sleeping in on weekends, it was the nicest feeling. I glanced around my room. The walls were a dingy, white and most of the paint was beginning to chip. I covered all that up with paintings that Adam made. I basically took all his sketches and practice paintings, and hung them up on my walls. Most are abstract drawings of buildings and people, however, there are some self portraits and pictures of me and Nate thrown in there. I continued looking around my room. My desk was a mess, piles of homework and papers were all spread out and thrown all over the place. My text books were plopped down in a huge pile on the floor. I groaned just thinking about the weekend homework. The last thing my eyes landed on was my alarm clock, it read 1:00 in the afternoon. Why hadn't anyone woken me up? I liked to sleep in, but I needed to be up by 11, I had a gig at 2.

I jumped out of bed and ran over to my dresser. I could not believe the boys hadn't woken me up! They knew my schedule, one of them usually made sure I was up by 11 on weekends, because I tended to hit the snooze button and not wake up. I stormed into the living room and looked around. The place was a mess. Where the hell was Adam and his cleanliness? He usually had the whole apartment clean on a Saturday morning.

“Adam got called into work if your wondering.” Nate told me, coming out of the bathroom.

“Great….he was supposed to drive me to Planet Java. I’ll never make it now!” I groaned, glaring at him.

“Oh, you mean you didn‘t look outside when you woke up?” Nate questioned, looking at me. I had no idea what he was talking about. Why would I look outside? I never do.

“No, why?” I asked, totally confused.

“It snowed last night, almost everything’s closed. He got called into work because the girl scheduled lives in Jersey and couldn‘t get there today.” Nate explained to me.

“It snowed! Really?” I asked, excitedly. I loved the snow, always had since I was a little girl. I always thought it was pretty when everything lay covered in white, untouched. Of course, living in New York City nothing stays untouched for long. Back home, in Pennsylvania, everything remained untouched for days. We would get a snowstorm, and be snowed in for 2 or 3 days at a time.

“Yup, I promise you. Adam told me not to wake you because he doesn’t want you going all the way to Planet Java in this.” Nate stated, making himself a cup of coffee.

“Glad to know someone’s thinking about me, but I really wish someone would have told me!” I responded, sarcastically. I was not in a good mood, even though I loved the snow. I knew, I wouldn’t be able to get to Planet Java in this weather, but I would have appreciated someone telling me what was going on rather than just making plans for me.

“I just told you Angel. What is wrong?” Nate asked.

“Nothing, okay. NOTHING.” I responded. I would have to take this up with Adam, he was the one who told Nate not to wake me.

“Angel, why don’t you sit down. I’ll go buy us some hot chocolate from up the street.” Nate suggested.

“No, why don’t we just go to the café up the street together, I think I need to go somewhere to get myself in a better mood.” I told Nate. “Plus, I know they usually have an open mic all day, and I want to perform.” I knew I was in a bad mood, and I wanted to change that before I said something I would regret. I smiled at Nate, and went back in my room to get changed and grab my guitar.

“Ok, well I guess I’ll wait for you out here.” Nate said to my retreating form.

“That’s fine.” I stated, as I searched through my closet. I knew the exact sweater I was looking for, but I saw every single sweater but that one. I wanted my favorite sweater. My mother had bought it for me. My sister had a matching one in light blue one at home. My closet was a mess and I knew eventually I was going to have to clean it, but I honestly was not in the mood at the moment. I was aimlessly throwing each shirt, sweatshirt and sweater I saw that was not the one I was looking for on the floor when Nate walked in.

“Wow, do you need help, because your honestly making a mess.” Nate told me, as if I didn’t know that already.

“I know, I know. It’s just I can’t find the sweater I want. You know my pink one, the one my mom bought me.” I stated, frustrated.

“This one.” Nate said, holding up the very sweater that I was looking for.

“Yes, where’d you find it?” I asked, looking around at the mess I had made. Eh, I’d clean it up later.

“It was hanging up in the washroom. Adam must have done laundry.” Nate told me.

“Alright, I’ll be right out, just let me change.” I said, taking the sweater from him and pushing him out the door. I changed into a pair of black jeans and the sweater, smiling at my reflection. I always had what my mother used to call simple beauty. I had long, straight, flowing brown hair and eyes the color of dark chocolate. My skin was always perfectly tan, even in the winter because of the Italian and Spanish in my genes. It also seemed that no matter what I ate, I never gained an ounce. Granted, Nate, Adam and I were struggling artists, working minimum wage jobs, we didn't have much to spend on food and often didn't have much to eat. My face was flawless, besides the one beauty mark by my right eye. I never had to put any makeup on and I could make the boys swoon. The thing was, I was not really into boys. I liked girls, and always had from as far back as I could remember.

Women were gorgeous. I’ve known that I like girls, since I was 5.The first memory I had of liking a girl was back when I was 5. I remembered one girl in particular. She lived next door, and we grew up together. I used to go to her house and bake cookies. We were best friends, until I kissed her. I was 10, and I knew that she was my first crush. There was just something about her that drew me in and before I knew it I had kissed her. She flipped, screamed, slapped me and then threw me out of the house. I never saw her again. Her parents apparently talked to my parents. My mother locked me in my room. I remember hearing my Dad yelling at her and asking where his “dyke” daughter was. He wanted to get at me bad, but my mother wouldn’t let him. She ended up in the hospital that night, and after that we never talked about me kissing Marina. In fact, my mother and I barely spoke at all after that.

“Angel! Are you almost done?” Nate yelled through the door.

“ I’ll be right out, chill!” I responded, opening my door. I grabbed my brush, and carefully brushed my hair.

“I can tell you were thinking, what about?” Nate asked, walking into my room.

“Marina. My first crush. I remember my Dad through a fit, and my mom ended up in the hospital because of it. I don’t regret it though. I can never regret something so wonderful.” I told him, in response.

“ A first crush is never something to regret, no matter the repercussions. My first crush was this kid named Dylan, his brother caught us kissing and beat me up. I still don’t regret it, even after a broken nose and two black eyes. Regret is one of the worst feelings, especially if it’s about something that made you so happy.” Nate stated, smiling at me and handing me my coat and scarf.

“ Definitely. I’m ready, let’s go.” I stated, putting my coat and scarf on, grabbing my guitar and then snaking my free arm around Nate’s waist.

We walked in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about Marina. She was the first girl I ever had feelings for, and since then I hadn’t kissed another. I dreamed of kissing girls all the time, but I hadn’t really met anyone. I knew there had to be someone out there, but I had yet to find them. I believed in love at first sight and knew that when I met my soul mate I would know. I smiled at that thought. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the feeling of something cold and wet on my back. I screamed and turned to see Adam running at us with a second snowball in his hand. He held his finger up to his lips and nodded at Nate. I held back a giggle, as he hit Nate with it.

“Hey!” Nate turned around, but laughed when he saw that it was Adam who had hit him.

“Hey!” Adam mocked, wrapping an arm around Nate’s waist.

“ Hey Adam, you get out early?” I asked, removing my arm from Nate's waist and holding my guitar with both hands now.

“Yeah, and I saw you guys as I was heading home. Where are you going?” He asked in response.

“To the café, it’s better than being stuck in our freezing apartment. Plus I wanted to walk through the snow!” I responded.

“Why did you bring your guitar? You going to perform?” He asked.

“Well, duh. They always have open mic from 2 until 7. I should get there just in time for it to start.” I replied, as I let go of my guitar with one hand and packed a snowball, throwing it at him.

“You better run.” Adam said, as he started to pack a new snowball.

“Oh no!” I feigned fear and ran toward the café.

“Be careful, you don’t want to slip!” Nate yelled, watching as Adam chased me.

Adam caught up to me quickly. After all, I was only five feet tall and Adam was much taller, so it was easy for him to catch up to me. He grabbed me, and pushed the snowball into my hair. I tried to wiggle free and he just picked me up, gently putting my guitar on the ground. I couldn't help but laugh, this was a typical day for us. We played around like this all the time, it was what keeps our friendship so tight.

“Let’s go I want some hot chocolate!” I yelled, wiggling out of Adam’s arms and opening the door of the café for the two of them, I grabbed my guitar and followed them inside.