You'll Be In My Heart

Okay, so this is going to be a happy and inspired blog. I am very uplifted and inspired at the moment by the kids I met this past week. I went into camp not knowing what to expect and now I'm home and my heart feels like it has wings. I mean that most literally too. Camp Sunshine is the most uplifting and amazing experience I have ever had in my life. I want to go back again and again and again. I want to go back for the people, for the experience, for the kids, for everything. The experience has really made an impact on me and I'm certain I will be one of the volunteers that goes every year of my life.

Now, maybe I should explain what Camp Sunshine is before I go much further. Camp Sunshine is a camp for families who have a child with a critical illness. The illnesses range from cancer to fanconi's anemia. They range from sessions of off treatment to sessions where children still have their ports in for chemotherapy. It's a very diverse camp and it's not just for the children, it's for the whole family. During the week each age group has their own counselors and activities, including the adults. Of course, the adults have much more free time and must be available if their children need them. The age groups are as follows: Nursey (0-2 years), Tot Lot (3-5 years), 6-8 year olds, 9-12 year olds, teens and adults. Each group has their own set of volunteers/counselors and their own schedule of activities. Activities include arts&crafts, swimming, paddle boating, kayaking, playground activities, volleyball (including a game called nuke 'em), air hockey, bon fires etc.

Now, I think I explained that enough. I was initially given a position in the nursery when I got my paperwork to become a volunteer. They do a background check and then send back an acceptance letter with paperwork to fill out. Once I arrived at the campus of the camp, and walked through the middle sized door and into the reception area, I was given a packet and my assignment was changed. I was now with the 9-12 year olds. I didn't really know what to think. I mean, I had expected to be in the nursery. Just the same I smiled and felt my excitement building. I mean come on I had wanted to volunteer at this camp for 2 years now and finally I was there. I put on my yellow volunteer shirt and wandered the campus with my friend Jessi until volunteer orientation began at 11am. At first it seemed overwhelming. A jam packed schedule filled with activities for every age group, but I learned it wasn't so overwhelming once it began.

The first night was easy. I met the other 9-12 year old counselors, we went over the rules and we sat together for lunch sharing our nerves and excitement. Each of us was assigned a family to sit with at dinner, to give them a warm welcome and a friendly smiling face to sit with. After lunch my group of counselors went to greet families at the family living center, to help them move into their rooms. Those rooms would be their home for the next few days, just as our rooms were ours. We helped families move in, greeting them with smiles and lending them a helping hand. After that it was dinner. My family was from the Bronx (in NY if you didn't know that.) They had one child, a little boy of 8, Giancarlos and he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. That was my first sign that this would be amazing. After dinner we had a huge bon fire, however I ended up playing freeze tag on the playground with many children from the camp. The official first day was not until the following morning.

The mornings at camp began early with breakfast from 8-9am. I was up by 7 every morning, usually I'm not a morning person but god did I want to wake up at camp everyday regardless of how early it was. The first day wasn't as overwhelming as the schedule made it seem. We met up in the 9-12 year old room, which housed air hockey tables, pool tables, a wii and other games for the kids to play until we were ready to leave. Immediately I saw a little girl standing alone. I approached her and low and behold she was from Forked River, NJ just 20 minutes from me and her grandmother lives in Toms River. I was amazed and we began a game of air hockey as she talked my ear off. She immediately grew attached, as did I. The first day was filled with initiation games, volleyball, nuke 'em, and meals. Then we had a talent show, followed by a masquarade dance. It was amazing to see the kids so happy and enjoying themselves. The next day proved just as busy, as did the rest of the week and yet it never felt that way. Saturday night the 9-12 year old group had a sleep out. We stayed outside with our campers in yurts. Yurts are similar to cabins but instead of wood they're made of canvas. My yurt contained: Meri (another counselor), me, Dawn, Eva, Anna, Linnea, Athena, Ashley and Jewelia (until her parents picked her up at around 11.)We had a big bon fire complete with camp fire songs, a movie in the gazebo outside, along with many games and stories. When we went to our yurt we played telephone and whispered until the girls went to sleep. Athena had never had a smore or slept in a sleeping bag until that day. It was a fun night. The days at camp seemed to fly by as if they had wings we could not stop if we wanted them too. The last night included a celebration show in which each age group performed. The volunteers also performed. A bunch of us did something called the oompa band,which is hard to explain but was amazingly fun. At the end of the show they played a slideshow with pictures from the week and then they called all the volunteers up and we "sang" "That's What Friends Are For" to the campers. I put sang in quotes because for the most part we listened, held onto one another and cried. I especially cried when Dawn, one of my girls, came running up and broke into the line to hug my waist. It was the end and it was a bittersweet moment. Some families would be leaving that night after show, while others would leave after breakfast the next day.

Now, I guess this is the time to tell you about the kids I met at this camp that made it such an amazing experience. I can give you a list of names, but I must say I will only talk about a few of them. My group of 9-12 year olds included: Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Eva, Jewelia, Mason, Kevin, Cassandra, Maddie, Peter, Nicholas, Drew, and many others. I can easily tell you about Dawn, Athena, Linnea, Anna, Jewelia and Drew. They were the kids I spent most of my time with.

Dawn is the little girl I met the first day from Forked River. She was 8 1/2 and had the sweetest disposition. She chose to move up to 9-12 year olds from the 6-8 year olds. She was also glad she did. She stuck by me the whole week, clutching my hand and telling me stories. She was the sick one of her family, telling me how when she lost her hair it had been long and wavy but when it grew back it was super curly. She had a smile that could light up the room. Dawn got me to take her out on a paddleboat in the lake, something I had never done before. She is probably the child I catered to most and got closest to the whole week. Athena is greek and she is the only child in her family. I believe she's 11, and she has the longest and most gorgeous hair I have ever seen. She didn't talk much about her illness, but she taught me to play chess and shared a love for angels and greek mythology with me. She even read the Percy Jackson books. Linnea and Anna are sisters, they also had 2 other younger sisters. Anna is 11 and she was the sick one, Linnea is 10. Anna didn't say much of her illness, only that she is from Philadelphia and she went to the Children's hospital there. I spent time making friendship bracelets with Anna and playing Jenga while everyone else went to the challenge course. Linnea received many piggy back rides. Both girls are upbeat and happy. I had a blast with them.

Jewelia is another amazing kid. She's 11, and has been in remission since she was 7. She lost 1/2 of one of her kidneys because of her cancer. She's shy but also very lovable. She never said much but she would always give a heart warming smile. I was there to see her cry when she was told she couldn't do something because she lacked 1/2 of a kidney. Jewelia is determined not to let anything stop her from doing what the other children can do. Her brother Mason is very close to her. He turned 10 while we were at camp. I didn't know I made much of an impact on Jewelia because of her shyness but on the last night of camp she came over and made a point to get a hug and say goodbye to me. Then there's Drew. He was one of our smallest campers. He's 9, but he's the size of a 6 or 7 year old. I know he was the one in his family that was sick, but I'm not quite sure how sick since he didn't say much. He's super smart though, always spitting out bits of information. He also had a love for frogs, always wanting to go down to the pond to look for them. He's also quite lovable. He gave many hugs and was always standing behind me just waiting for a piggy back ride. He made all the girls put their phone numbers in his autograph book, quite the ladies' man even at 9. The last volunteer meeting we had, he came into the room and gave all 70+ volunteers a hug.

Oh, I'll also tell you about Molly since she was probably one of the kids who amazed me the most, even if I didn't get very close to her. She's also probably the child who was sickest in my group. My session was off treatment, so all were in remission, but that doesn't mean they're cured or in the clear. Molly was a clear example of that. Molly is in remission but she still has some complications from everything she went through. She has nerve damage in one of her legs and can't feel anything from the knee down. She needs help getting her pants on and other things because of it. She also bears MANY scars on her legs and because of it often wears long socks that go up to her knee. I complimented her on them because many of them were amazingly creative and colorful. She's the oldest of 6 kids with a 7th on the way. Yet, despite all of this she was always willing to help the others. She taught the younger girls how to make bows and flowers out of colored duct tape at our sleep out on Saturday night. She doesn't let anything limit her and it was nice to see her playing volleyball, nuke 'em and doing everything that the other kids could do. Yes, maybe she limped but no one cared. Everyone loved her just as much as the others.

These are the kids that made the entire trip worthwhile. Camp Sunshine was the highlight of my summer and probably will be again next summer. I can't miss it. I have to go every year. Seeing these children being so happy and enjoying the life they could have lost has really really made an impact on me. They weren't kids with cancer or kids who had cancer, they were just kids. Nothing limited them, nothing defined them. They were just themselves and that is something I can't forget. To me it was an inspiration and an uplifting experience. The reward of it all was definitely worth while. The trip was long, but it was amazing. I would do it every day if I could or lived closer to the camp. For now I'll just have to settle with a yearly visit. Seeing these kids really and truly made an impact. I can't begin to do justice to the feeling that I was left with thanks to these children. They have changed my life just as much as they say I have changed theirs. While our goal is to bring sunshine and a good time to the children at Camp Sunshine, I cannot help but think they do the same for us. The happiest moments of my summer, and even possibly my life were received this week at Camp Sunshine. I will never forget the experience and I will surely revisit again and again.

You're Not Quite Satan

GAH I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! Sorry to anyone reading this, but I need to let off some steam and hurt. I don't know how long this will be, but i just need to get this out.

I HATE YOU! You want to forget me...go ahead. Am I really that forgettable and hateable? You apparently think so. I really regret that. I don't regret anything about it, but I DO regret that. I tried to be so nice, and yet apparently I wasn't nice enough. Apparently you want to forget me and you know what fucking do it, see if I care. You hurt me, and I'm done. I can't sit here and wallow in it. It really sucks that we were so close and your willing to just forget that and forget me. It hurts too. I mean, I get paranoid enough as it is that i'm an easily forgotten person and that no one needs me as much as I seem to need them, and yet here you are literally rubbing that in my face? Thanks for that. Really, THANKS. You know, a lot of wasted time on someone who just wants to forget me. I tried so hard to help you and you just sat and bitched and moaned. I still tried, even then.

You know, I had every right to say and act as I did that day. The day that supposedly hurt you so badly that you want to forget me. YOU said even worse things to me, and yet I would never want to forget you. Maybe at this very moment THAT would be easier because this anger and pain I feel because of those simple words, well they wouldn't be happening. The fact is, you said them and it hurts and I WON'T forget you. It fucking sucks, but it's a sad fact. I don't even know what else to say. I stand by what I said that day too, because you're still acting immature.

Anyway, I could keep going but it'd get repetitive and it isn't really dissipating my anger or hurt. So I think I'm just going to stop now.

so far away

So today has been pretty good but atm I just feel a need to say rawwwwrrrrrrrrrr! Yeah rawr. Letting out some anger and other emotuons I don't really feel like talking about. Anyway yeah. I just like have a lot on my mind and it seems my mood can be both good and bad at the same time sometimes.like I can be good and yet also feel negative emotions. Yeah it sounds crazy. Anyway I finished a chapter of my new story today and then I went to a phillies game with my family and jill. We got pat's famous philly cheesesteaks on the way and they were bangin. Then we went to the game and they WONNNNNNN! They won 9 to 3 and my favorite player got a few hits. Now we're in the car on the way home and sitting in stadium traffic and I decided to blog. Again I just have to say rawwwrrrr.

So now we're sitting here and I'm thinking about what's to come. Next week I go away to boston, salem and the maine for camp. I'm excited but also nervous. It's going to be fun and yet sad since the kids are sick. I'm in the nursery and so my child's age group is 0 to 2 and that worries me a bit. Though that age group is easy to please and usually fun. Then after that I have a week until classes start. While I'm excited about classes I'm also nervous. I have four english classes this semester. I have american lit 1, history of grammar,american lit 2, and then the class I'm most excited for shakespeare 1. So I'm excited and yet nervous, especially w. Nano thrown in. 4 englishes and nano is gonna be fun and yet a lot of work. I think I can do it, but still.

Then there's another good thing I'm thinking about. in talking to erin today we have discovered that it's very very likely that erin is going to be coming to visit over winterbreak. I look forward to that. On top of that it'll be about 6 months for us when she visits as long as everything keeps going well :) I can't wait.

There's other things on my mind, mostly bad but I don't feel like going into them since my blogs have been far too negative and I also don't feel like typing much more on my phone. So that's it for this update.

Why do you have to make me feel small?

So...despite being in a good mood yesterday today I'm angry. Very angry about oh so many things and it's definitely putting a damper on my mood. So many things and some I'm just not even going to talk about here. I'm also going to add stuff from yesterday at the end of this to make it a not so total rant. If you don't like rants then don't read or even try keeping up with my blog. It seems it's rare for me to blog when I don't need to do it to get off some steam. I'm sure there will be times, but it seems rare so far.

Anyway onto the entry. You...I hate you. I REALLY do and I don't hate anyone typically, but you, you've managed to earn that status with your lies, deceit and continued lies. When people say their done and YOU say your done with someone, don't you understand that's it? Not to mention wtf kinda lie did you tell your mother to make her hate someone that had nothing to do with the situation and who despite it all has STILL been trying to be your friend when she has every right to hate you! What is wrong with you? Also, how the fuck is it that when I'm done with you, you still manage to snake your way into my life and continue to make me more paranoid and just hateful of others who i suspect are like you? Really now, how do you manage that? I HATE YOU and wish you'd DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Why don't you? Okay, I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I want you out of my life and yet you keep coming back and are still managing to make me feel like everyone is going to turn out like you at times. What's up with that? It must just be me, but I like to think it's you. I hate you.

Then I'm still having a hard time grappling with how things got fucked up. I mean you go from best friends to enemies. Sisters to enemies. How the hell does that happen? I have trust issues, you know this....you break it and then try to act as if nothing is wrong? WHAT THE HELL? I'm also angry at myself. How do I let this happen to me? How many times is it going to happen? I can almost name more than one occasion now and it fucking sucks. Like what is it with me? Do I have something written on my forehead going "FUCK WITH ME I'M AN EASY TARGET" or something? I mean sometimes it feels that way. It makes me doubt everyone and feel like...I don't know I'll never be important enough to anyone. Like I'll always be the person there but never really counted on or counted in, easily discarded when I'm not needed. Yeah, it sucks but I can't help but feel that way sometimes. I pin a lot of it on my paranoia, but sometimes I can't help but feel it's true because if it wasn't how the hell would this keep happening? How is it that I have very few friends I can count on at this point and even sometimes I doubt them...are they lying? Are they going to drop me? Am I really important to them or are they just saying it to appease me? How many times can I expect them to answer the same questions and to sit there and stick with me? I don't know any of the answers and yet these thoughts surface constantly. Maybe it isn't my paranoia and i'm just insecure. I don't know. All I know is so often I feel replaceable and sometimes I feel replaced. Pathetic huh? Yeah, maybe I am being pathetic. I don't know what else to say though. It's like a constant nagging and it gets worse sometimes, especially when I'm angry at what I am today and when things like this crop up.

My mom didn't really help the other day either. We were talking about my cousin's wedding and she pretty much made a comment about how I was probably only asked because my uncle made a big deal about his daughter being asked and since I'm the only other girl cousin she had to ask me too. How can I trust that's not true? She sits and tells me that she's excited I'm in it and she wants to see me more, but how do I know that's true? I mean we were close, but then my other cousin said they both hated me...how do I know that's not the real truth? How do I know what's true? Besides, this same cousin tends to talk to me when she needs advice or something from me and then go long periods of time without talking to me at all. So how do I trust this? It's like I can't do a thing without having doubts about anyone and it really sucks.

Anyway, I'm just going to end this part. I have so much more I could say but this is turning into way too long of a rant and I don't even want to touch on the other subjects because really it's just making my mood worse. So maybe if I touch on some happier things I'll feel better. I don't know. So, let's see yesterday I worked all day and so you'd think it would have been a bad day but really it wasn't. I got to talk to a co-worker who goes to school in Boston about things Jessi&I can do in the few days that we'll be in Boston and Salem before camp starts. So that was good. Then Jill came over and we went shopping because I wanted another pair of shorts to bring to camp with me, at least one more pair. I ended up buying two cute dresses I loved, one of which was only $1 since the sale was buy one get one for $1. Then I went home and got to talk to Erin for awhile, which was nice since we haven't gotten to talk other than texting for almost a week because she's been at her sister's babysitting her nephew. So that was good. Then I just kind of talked to people and finished character sheets for a new story idea I had. So it really wasn't a spectacular day but it was pretty good. Now, tomorrow after work my cousin is picking me up with her fiancee to take me to Baltimore with them. We're staying ina sheraton...don't ask me how they have the money for that, and then Saturday we're going for my dress fitting and hanging out in inner harbor. I'm hoping we can go to the aquarium so I can see the dolphins because well that would make my day. I love dolphins and so seeing dolphins would be amazing. If not, well I can settle for visiting the 4-5 story Barnes&Noble there and just the beauty of inner harbor. So we'll see, but I'll be in Baltimore tomorrow night and Saturday. I come home Saturday night and then babysit Gigi all day Sunday with Jill. Gigi can always make me smile because I love my little goddaughter. So yeah....that's it for now I guess.

Can You Feel It Now?

Yeah, so last night was bad.....for my paranoia and general mood. Of course, Erin made it better. She always does. Simply webchatting with her until 3:30 in the morning will always make it better it seems. Thank god. I hate how this blog has been about really negative ventations but it seems when I have a good day there's nothing particularly to blog. Oh well, I'll try to blog more on those days. I'll def. blog after my vacation.

Anyway, this is going to be fairly short and simple. Things are changing. Maybe it is my paranoia, but I can't help but feel that regardless of what is said they are and no one inside the situation can see it. Tell each other everything one minute, then say you shouldn't say anything or that you can't. Regardless of if it's everyone or that one person, how is that not change? Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe it's just peeking my paranoia majorly, but that upsets me and all I feel is that now I'm going to be walking on eggshells and I hate that. Anyway, that's not even the point. The point is regardless of it all, of course nothing is going to change on my end. Regardless of how I feel about anything, unless trust is involved, I can't change things. I just hate this feelings. It messes with me. It makes me paranoid and it depresses me. It really sucks. If it weren't for Erin last night, well I don't know how I would have calmed down. Thank god for her.

Anyway, once more as I said yesterday I'm just so frustrated with so much between work situations, home situations, and just in general. Stress and frustration. I don't want anything to change on top of that and yet a simple conversation once more is making me doubt. Then there's all these other thoughts running through my mind. If I don't talk to anyone will they try? Are things going to be awkward? What's going on with so and so? Am I going to be ditched? What about this, what about that? Like my mind is on speed and one simple thing tends to make me go into insane let me not stop thinking mode. If it doesn't stop today I'm just glad I'll be staying at Jill's so I don't have to sleep because I won't be able to anyway. Work is going to be hell because well, I just don't want to be there. Right now, I really don't want to be anywhere. I don't even mean that in a depressing way or how it sounds. I just mean I'd rather...well I don't know how to explain what I mean by that. I don't mean it the way it sounds though. I just don't know how exactly to explain it.

Maybe I should stop now. This isn't really helping and I can't even explain things properly. Besides, I have to get ready and go to work soon. On a plus not, Erin got her hair done and I can't wait to see the pictures. Jill and I are going swimming later and then I'm staying over her house for a Disney Movie night. That should make things better to a degree or at least I won't be sitting home overthinking everything as I have been all morning. That's a plus.

The Baffled King Composing Hallelujah

So I don't even really know what to say right now. I have so many conflicting emotions. Tension. Hate. Frustration. Happiness. Depression. So many emotions all at once. There's things I'm happy about, and then things frustrating and depressing me. There's a tension I feel but apparently the other people involved clearly don't notice or are too blind to see and it all just sucks. It sucks. I'm just glad that I have vacation in two weeks to look forward to. I'm so sick of bullshit at work, I'm so sick of being told what to do at home, and I'm just sick and tired of a lot of little stresses that are building. I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one making an effort in some situations or like if I don't try to keep up conversations or keep things going its tense or falters. I'm so sick of just so much and maybe at the moment I'm just so frustrated that I don't really mean any of this, but at the moment I'm sick of everything and everyone (almost, minus a few select people who should know who they are) and I don't want to deal with anyone, but I will because I can't be a bitch like that. Yeah, I probably really don't mean any of this I am just REALLY REALLY goddamn frustrated.

Ask Me Why I Smile?

Okay, so here's another poem. I don't really feel I'm good at poetry, but I've written two rather recently. Though this one is much happier and clearly it's for my Cupid.

Permanent smile plastered on my face when you're around
Why, you may ask?
You

You are the reason I smile
You are the reason I laugh
You are my Cupid and I your Aprhodite

You are warmth
You are comfort
You are a best friend
You are an angel

Most of all, you're mine
My smile
My laugh
My best friend
My lovey
My Cupid

You are the reason I smile