Undiscovered Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I was so nervous about meeting Grace outside. I had no idea why she wanted to meet. Could she possibly like me as I liked her? I doubted it. My luck was never that good. None of those things ever work out for me. So I couldn't hep but wonder what it could possibly be. Then again, she could just want to hang out with me.

I walked outside, trying to find out where Grace was. I didn't see her immediately. Yet, then I caught a glimpse of a familiar head of hair. Grace was across the street. She was standing there waving me over. I looked over at her and smiled. As nervous and confused as I seemed to get around her, she also had a crazy effect on me, and I seemed to not be able to stop smiling when I saw her.

I ran across the street. I didn't even check to see if the light was red. A taxi cab honked at me, but I didn't care. I just ran across to get to Grace as soon as possible. I was going absolutely crazy from the sheer curiosity. I wanted to know why she had wanted to take me outside alone. I stopped in front of her.

“Alright, so what's up?” I asked, unable to contain my curiosity anymore. I observed her face, looking for any clues as to what she could possibly be talking about. She was just smiling, and watching me, the same way. She gave me no clues as to what she could possibly want.

“Well, I just wanted to talk to you. Ask you a few questions. You don't have to answer them, I'm just curious.” Grace responded. Her grin only widened as she spoke. She had no idea what that smile was doing to me. She had no idea how crazy a simple smile could make a person. Just that look on her face increased the feeling of the butterflies in my stomach.

“Alright, what would you like to talk to me about?” I asked. I tried to make eye contact, but she looked down. Was she nervous? I couldn't help but wonder. If not, why didn't she want to make eye contact with me? That peeked my curiosity even more. I just watched her.

“Well...you are....okay I'm going to be blunt. You're a lesbian right?” She asked, blushing as she finally asked the question. I nearly laughed. I was out and proud, was it that hard to ask. It wasn't something to be ashamed of as it was fairly obvious, especially if someone listened to my song lyrics.

“Yes, yes I am.” I said, unable to contain a small chuckle. The way she had asked had amused me.

“How did you know? Does your family know?” Grace asked. Now, I was curious as to why she was probing for these answers. Did she think she might be gay? Was she confused? I looked at her, still smiling.

“Well, I knew the moment that I realized that I didn't find guys anything more than physically attractive. I can see where they are cute, but I couldn't think of them as anything more than that. I couldn't picture myself with a guy. I couldn't imagine it at all. As for my family, well I don't really see my family. My family is now Adam and Nate. So, yes they know. They've always known.” I responded, giving her a reassuring smile.

“Oh, well they'd obviously be fine with it.” She mumbled.

I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it. It was obvious to me now that she was struggling with whatever reason she had for asking me these questions. I sighed. I wanted her to know I was there for her. The feeling of her hand in mine sent a jolt up my arm. It felt amazing and like it belonged there. Yet, I wasn't trying to push anything. I was only offering my support.

“Thanks. I just....well I think I might be gay, but I don't know. If I am, my family would never accept it. Their always speaking out against homosexuality. I don't know exactly what they'd do if they ever thought or found out I was gay. They'd probably disown me.” Grace said softly. She gave my hand a slight squeeze.

“Well, that's why my actual family has no idea. My dad was.....abusive towards my mother. I don't even want to think about what might have occurred if he knew that I was gay.” I told her. I didn't know why I was being so outright with her. Maybe it was because I wanted her to know the truth, and to know that she could come to me. Maybe it was the deep connection I had felt with her from the moment I had first laid eyes on her. Whatever it was, I felt the need to be totally honest with her.

“Oh, so what did you do? Run away?” Grace asked. Her eyes registered shock and worry at what I had just told her. She had no reason to worry. I was away from it all. Adam and Nate took good care of me and would never allow anything to happen to me. Not if they could help it. I had no doubt that if my father ever showed up they would protect me and make sure he didn't touch me. Yet, that thought was the one thing that worried me. If he ever showed up, I had no idea what would happen.

“Yes. I ran away when I was 15. I knew Nate my whole life and so it was easy to just come here and live with him. He didn't waste any time, he took me inside in a heartbeat. He knew my dad and knew what I ran away from. When I explained the situation to him, well he would never let me go back.” I explained. Nate was my best friend, but he had become my guardian that day when I had shown up at his front door. Him and Adam had both taken me under their wing and now they were stuck with me. I don't think either of them minded though.

“I don't know what I'd do if my parents suspected anything. Yet, I know that....I feel something I've never felt before for....well....um....” Grace was stumbling over her words and blushing. I stared at her before looking down at our hands. She hadn't pulled her hand away. I had hope that maybe just maybe the feelings she was speaking of were for me. Yet, she had only met me once before and we had barely spoken.

“Um, well have you always had these feelings? When did you really notice them?” I asked, hoping to help her out. I gave her hand another squeeze, wondering when and if she'd pull it away.

“Well, I've kind of always felt that I might like girls. I just never knew what to think of it. My family didn't really talk about that kind of thing. They didn't consider it normal. Then, I moved here with my sister and met a few of her gay friends and saw that there were many gay men and lesbian women around here. So it kind of made me see that I wasn't the only one, which I had felt like back home. Then, well.....I saw you.” Grace told me. When she said the last part, I almost didn't hear her. She was blushing again and now she had decided to pull her hand away. I stared at her, wondering if I had heard that last part correctly.

“Me? You saw me? What does that have to do with anything?” I blurted out, completely shocked.

“Um...well you see.....I always liked girls, but then I saw you that day and I....liked you. Then we talked that day and I liked you even more. You were the clincher for me. I wanted to ask you out, but then I was so confused by those thoughts and I'm just going to shut up now. You probably don't like me anyway.” Grace said, nervously.

“No! I do. I do....I thought you were straight.” I stated, chuckling. I honestly had pinned her a typical straight girl. I tended to fall for straight girls more often than not and I thought this was going to be the case as usual. Yet, here I was shocked. I'm sure it had registered on my face, but she didn't seem to notice.

“Really! You like me too!” Grace was ecstatic. I could tell just by glancing at her. In the next second she had thrown her arms around me, and didn't seem like she was going to let go. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I felt her lips on mine. I was shocked, but I kissed her back anyway.

“Oh no....I-I have to go. I'm supposed to meet my sister. I just.....I wanted to talk to you. I'll call you! You can call me too.” Grace said. She pulled away quickly, blushing almost bright red, before running off down the street.

I watched her go completely and utterly stunned. She had kissed me. SHE had kissed ME! I didn't think that was possible. The girl who I had been fantasizing about since I first saw her, actually liked me and made the first move. THAT was shocking. Especially since she wasn't out of the closet. I only hoped she wouldn't regret it when she got home. I put my hand to my lips and smiled. This had been the best day of my life so far.

Adventures with Mels, Carey and Lauren

Undiscovered Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I woke up the next day with a smile on my face. I had dreams about Grace all night. Even if we remained friends I would be happy to have her in my life. The dreams however were of us in a relationship. I dreamed that we were married and were starting a family. We were in the process of adopting a little girl. I wanted to marry, and have a family with someone one day. This dream, however, had me thinking that maybe Grace is that person. Yet, I just met her and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Anyway, I didn't even know if she was gay. With my luck, she wouldn't be and all my thoughts and dreams would be just that. Either way, I didn't care. I would be here friend no matter what, and if she wasn't interested in girls I would find her a man that would treat her right.

“Good morning Angel!” Adam said, as he waltzed into my room. I groaned, and covered my face with my arm as he opened my curtains.

“Angel, get up, you have a gig in an hour and I am going to do your hair! I'm sick of the long, flowing locks, you need something different.” Adam stated, watching me.

I rolled my eyes. Adam always wanted to do something with my hair. Last time he said that, he had decided to die my hair and I ended up with blue hair. I had hated it, and made him buy more dye so that I could make my hair a normal color again. That is why I was afraid when he told me he was going to do something with my hair. I didn't want a repeat of the last time. Yet, I got up and dressed anyway.

Surprisingly he didn't plan to dye my hair. He wanted to cut it. I shut my eyes, afraid to know what he was going to do. Cutting hair was more permanent than dying it. With dying you could always redye it, with cutting you had to wait until it grew back. I opened my eyes when he said that he was done and smiled. He had cute it to my shoulders and made choppy layers. I loved it and was glad it didn't take too long, as I really did have to get to my gig.

“Now, come on. Let's get you to your gig.” Adam said, putting an arm around my shoulders. I wondered where Nate was. Usually they both accompanied me to gigs, and both stayed and watched if they could. Yet, as I though about it, I realized that Nate had to work. He had told me that, I had simply forgot until that moment. I just went with Adam, hopping into his car, and going through my show in my head. I knew what songs I wanted to sing where and when.

I was a bit nervous as I got to my gig. I always got nervous before a show. It was an adrenaline rush once I was on stage. Yet, as I prepared to get on stage I was always nervous. It was only a natural reaction. Adam tried to help me set up, but he really had no idea what to do, so I sent him down to the seats and finished up myself. I scanned the crowd as I sat on stage waiting for them to announce the beginning of my gig. I saw some regulars who always came to my gigs, but other than that the only face that I recognized was Adam.

As my name was announced, and the lights went down, my adrenaline started pumping. I loved the rush that being on stage and performing gave me. I loved the feeling in the pit of my stomach as I performed. My gig went well, and it was almost over when I spotted another familiar face in the crowd. This face was unexpected, and next to her was Nate.

I felt my heart start pounding even more in my chest than it had been before. Grace was here with Nate, watching me perform. Suddenly, my nerves had returned and my adrenaline had lessened. The feeling that seeing Grace gave me was unexplainable. Since I saw her that first time, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. Yet, whenever I thought of her I became discombobulated and confused. I knew I liked her, yet I had never felt such strong emotions for anyone before. Let alone someone I saw only once before.

I continued to sing. I knew my voice must have been shaking. I knew that my hands were shaking as I tried to play guitar. Yet, I kept going. A whole new song, that I had not sung or written before that night was flowing from my lips. I had no idea what was happening. I just kept going, singing a brand new song without having practiced it. Grace had sparked something in me, and here I was performing brand new material. It amazed and shocked me.

When I got off stage, I packed up my stuff and ran over to Adam. Adam looked thrilled as always. He was always so excited when my gigs were over. He always seemed to think they went better than I thought that they did. He was the confidence that I lacked most of the time. Nate, on the other hand, was always the blunt one. He was the one who told me when things went wrong and was completely and utterly honest.

As I reached Adam, he threw his arms around me. I was glad that I had left my guitar on the stage for the time being. He picked me up and spun me around. He absolutely positively gave me more credit than I felt that I deserved. He was always the one who gave me the most support.

“Angel, that was amazing! Seriously, every time I see you it's better and better. You amaze me chica!” Adam yelled.

He continued to spin me around. I giggled. I loved Adam. He could always bring a smile to my face. He was carrying me. Next thing I knew I heard a sweet and quiet voice behind me. The voice was making me nervous. I looked at Adam, as he placed me down on the ground. I was now face to face with Grace. I felt the butterflies in my stomach, before I even knew what was going on. Grace had come to my show. That had made my day. Yet, I still couldn't figure out how she had got there.

“Hey. Meet me outside in five minutes.” Grace whispered in my ear, smiling at me. Then within seconds she was gone.

I was left reeling from the feeling of her breath so close. It smelt like cinnamon and it was so warm as she whispered in my ear. I was reeling. I looked at Adam and Nate and they both pointed me toward my guitar and then the door. I sighed and grabbed my guitar before making my way to the door. I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was I had nervous butterflies in my stomach.

Undiscovered Chapter 2

This is the last finished chapter I have of Undiscovered.

Chapter 2

We walked into the café, still laughing and giggling from the walk there. I smiled at the warmth of the café and took my jacket off placing it on a chair to hold a table for the three of us. The boys followed my lead and did the same, before following me to the line to give our order. I looked at them. They were so cute together. Nate had his arm around Adam’s shoulder and they were talking sweetly to each other about how the day had been so far. I had never seen a cuter couple. Many people would frown because they were gay, but they were in love and love is love. It doesn’t matter whether it was love between a gay couple or straight couple, love is the same for every relationship. The two of them complimented each other greatly. Where Nate was tough and could have a temper sometimes, Adam was very calm and sweet. They evened each other out and you could tell just by looking at them that they were soul mates. Sometimes when I was with them I felt like a third wheel, but I always got over it.

“Can I help you?” the girl at the counter asked. I stared at her. She was gorgeous. She had beautiful blue eyes and long, wavy blond hair that seemed to cascade down her back, though it was pulled back into a ponytail for work.

“Uh, I’d like…” I was rendered speechless and could not finish my sentence when I saw her eyes. They were blue as the ocean, and I got lost in them. I vaguely heard Adam and Nate ordering behind me and felt myself being pushed forward, but I was still looking into her smiling eyes. She smiled and then turned to the next set of customers. I looked at Nate and Adam who were giving me a strange look.

“What?” I asked, irritated.

“You like her don’t you?” Adam asked, gently, in response.

“No, I just, she looks familiar.” I stated, making up an excuse.

“Liar, you caught her eye and couldn’t look away. Plus I’ve never seen you speechless before. You like her.” Nate said, smiling at me as he grabbed our drinks from the pickup counter.

“I, guess. She just. There’s something different about her guys. I don’t know what it is. I just. When I saw her I just felt something. She can’t be gay though. Things just don’t work that way for me.” I told them.

“She could be gay. Let’s see. You can’t really tell by her outfit because it’s her uniform. Let’s see she gets points because her fingernails are short, plus look at the way she interacts with the girls who are ordering as opposed to the guys. There’s just a different look when it comes to girls. So it is possible she’s gay, but at the same time you can never be sure without talking to her.” Adam stated.

“I’m not just going to go up to her and be like ‘hey are you a lesbian’ that’d be weird!” I stated, staring at Adam trying to figure out what his last statement meant.

“I’m not saying you have to. I’ll go talk to her, see how I feel about her and try to get it out of her somehow.” Adam told me. “You get your butt up there and perform. Show her what your made of.”

“Oh man, please don’t embarrass her or me.” I said, watching as he walked over to the counter. I looked at Nate, afraid of how this could turn out. Nate gave me a gentle shove toward the mic. I grabbed my guitar and headed over. I performed a simple song I had written, and watched Adam as I performed. When I was done, I walked back over to Nate. Adam was still at the counter with the girl.

“Don’t worry he’s good at this. He’s not going to make anything obvious. He’s just going to go and talk to her. It can’t hurt.” Nate said, squeezing my hand across the table.

“You promise?” I asked Nate, still nervous about what Adam was doing.

“Yes, I promise. Adam would never do anything that would embarrass you or hurt you in any way. If he does it right she won’t even know he’s over there for you.” Nate stated, with a smile.

I looked over at Adam. He had the girl laughing. They were deep in conversation, both of them smiling and laughing occasionally. I wondered what he was talking to her about. I wished I could go and join the conversation, but then she would know. If I were to go over she would know that Adam was talking to her for me, wouldn’t she? She would. They seemed to be having a nice conversation though, it didn’t seem like he was making her feel awkward, which was what I was afraid of wasn't it. As I watched, I saw her take her apron off and follow Adam to our table. I looked at Nate with a nervous smile.

“Hey guys, this is Grace. Grace this is my boyfriend Nate, and our friend Angel. Grace is new to town. She just moved here with her sister last month, and got this job hoping to make friends.” Adam said, pulling out the chair next to me for Grace, before sitting down in his seat next to Nate.

“That’s awesome, have you met anyone yet?” Nate asked.

“Not really, most of the people who work here already know each other or much older. I’m just the new girl, and nobody has really welcomed me. I was actually surprised when he came up to talk to me though I’m grateful.” Grace answered.

“How old are you?” I asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

“I’m sixteen. You?” Grace replied

“I’m sixteen too. Adam’s twenty, and Nate’s eighteen.” I told her, softly.

“Don’t mind Angel she can be a little shy with new people, but I’m sure you guys will get along fine.” Adam states, making me blush.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I can be shy too, but it’s kind of hard to be shy when you are trying to make friends in a new place.” Grace said, smiling at me.

“ I guess so. Where are you from?” I asked, a little more sure of myself.

“I’m from Philadelphia, so it’s a difference but it’s just a new city. It’s not like I’m not used to living in the city.” Grace responded.

“That’s cool.” I said, unsure of where to take the conversation.

“Grace is an actress. She came here with her sister to go to auditions and be closer to the theatre district.” Adam told us.

“That’s so awesome! I like to sing. My dream is to be in a Broadway show.” I stated, smiling at her.

“Have you ever been to one?” She asked.

“No, I, well we really don’t have the money to go to shows.” I replied to Grace honestly.

“Well, my sister would take you. She’d be thrilled to take someone with us. I usually go with her and her fiancee and she’d be glad I had someone to go with.” Grace said.

“Really?” I asked, excitedly.

“Of course, would you like to come with us one day?” She asked in response.

“Of course, I mean that is if I’m allowed.” I responded, looking at Nate and Adam.

“Why would we say no?” Adam asked, slapping my arm playfully.

“I don’t know I just figured I should ask.” I told him.

“I’ll ask my sister tonight. Do you have a cell phone or anything I could call?” Grace asked.

“Uh, I don’t have a cell phone but I can give you the number to our apartment.” I stated.

“Okay.” She said, taking a napkin and pulling a pen from her pocket, ready to write down the number.

“Now you can say that you made friends here.” Adam stated, watching me write our number down.

“Yeah, my sister will be happy. She has been teasing me that I must be antisocial to not have made any friends yet. Now I can prove her wrong.” Grace responded, ripping the napkin and handing it to me after writing her own number down for me. I could not help but smile.

“Not making friends doesn’t make you antisocial. In this city, everyone is so focused on themselves, that it’s kind of hard to make friends. Most people here will only introduce themselves and befriend you if they want something from you.” I stated.

“Oh, so you must want something from me?” Grace joked.

“Who says I’m most people?” I teased, in return.

“Oh, so you just befriended me for the hell of it?” she asked in response.

“Yeah, I would say so.” I replied.

“In your opinion, that’s unlikely though, isn’t it?” Grace asked.

“Well maybe I do have a reason for befriending you.” I stated, simply.

“That would be?” Grace asked.

“None of your business.” I replied, with a smirk.

“Really now, it’s none of my business?” Grace asked, looking right into my eyes.

“Yeah, it’s none of your business.” I stated. I was amazed that I hadn't stuttered when she caught me in her gaze. Her eyes, really were beautiful.

“Well, then I should get back to work. I’ll call you though. By the way, I liked you performance before, very beautiful.” Grace told me, smiling and waving to Nate and Adam before she walked back behind the counter, and put her apron back on.

“Let’s go home, it just started snowing again. We should get home before it gets too late.” Adam said, standing up. Nate and I followed his lead.

The walk home was quiet. Nate and Adam quietly whispered to eachother. I wasn't sure what they were talking about, and I didn't really care. I was off in my own world. I couldn't stop thinking about Grace. I knew that the likelihood of her being gay, and single was slim. It didn't stop me from dreaming. I could picture holding her close, and feeling her lips on mine. I could picture the sweet smell of coffee and tea from her working in the café. I could picture cuddling up with her and watching a movie. I could picture her smiling at me as we lie content in eachother’s arms. I hoped that it was possible for us to be together, as slim as I thought that possibility was. If it happened I would be the happiest person alive.

Undiscovered Prologue and chapter 1

Okay, so here's part of a story I wrote when I was a freshman in high school, and started to completely rewrite about a year ago. I'm not really too fond of how it's coming along.

Undiscovered
Prologue

To tell you my story I need to first start by telling you that singing is very important to me. I sing everyday. Singing makes people feel good. Singing can cheer anyone up, and it can get a message across. Singing is a way of life for me. Singing is the only thing that can always make me happy. Singing is what brought me to my first true love. Singing is what cheered my best friend up in his final moments. Singing ties everything together.

With that said I may begin my tale. My name is Angel Marie Marcus. I’m 18 years old, and I live with my friend Nate in a small apartment in New York. It's a cheap apartment. The rent isn't much, and the apartment doesn't have heat or any of the other luxuries that most people take for granted. That, however, is not important. Only my story is important.

This story is about a first love. This story is about self discovery, and most importantly this story is about friendship. I don’t know where I would have been during all this if it wasn’t for my friends. The only one still with me is Nate, but this story involves others. Love can change a life, and my first love changed mine forever. She taught me so much, in just a few short months. Now she’s gone from my life, but she has made a permanent imprint on me. So I shall start my story from the beginning. I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1

I woke up to the sun shining on my face. It was cold in my little room., of course it was, we had no heat. We usually used the fireplace, but that was in the main room, and didn't help to keep my bedroom warm at all. We never sleep with the fireplace lit anyway, for fear we’d start a fire. I lived with my best friend Nate. I had known him my whole life. Our mothers had been friends since they were kids so it was only natural that their kids should be friends too. Nate was two years older than me, he was 18 years old, and I was only 16. Nate was what most girls would call cute. He was tall, maybe about 6 feet and he was pretty built, as poor as we were he still manages to work out. He had curly, blond hair in a bowl cut., and sky blue eyes that made the girls go crazy. Sadly for them, he was gay and taken.

My other roommate was his boyfriend Adam. Adam was absolutely, amazing. He was about 5 feet 8 inches, and was really skinny. He had, buzzed, black hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes. He was Spanish so he had the perfect tan. He spoke both English and Spanish. He did most of the cooking and cleaning for us. He was also the oldest, at 20 years old. He was, what could only be described as, the mother hen. He made sure that I got to school, he would not let me drop out just because I ran away from home. He made sure I got enrolled when I moved to New York.

I ran away from home last year, when I was 15. I could not take it anymore. My mother worked two jobs just to make ends meat and then my Dad wasted it all buying his alcohol. Then he would come home and hit my mom. I was always locking myself in my sisters room to make sure he didn’t touch her or me. It got to be too much. When he crashed his car on my birthday it was the last straw. My mom went to the hospital to see him ,and I left while she was gone. I told my sister where she could contact me, and not to worry I knew where I was going. She was 12 at the time. The next day I showed up on Nate and Adam’s doorstep. The rest is history.

I smiled and bundled further under my covers. I loved sleeping in on weekends, it was the nicest feeling. I glanced around my room. The walls were a dingy, white and most of the paint was beginning to chip. I covered all that up with paintings that Adam made. I basically took all his sketches and practice paintings, and hung them up on my walls. Most are abstract drawings of buildings and people, however, there are some self portraits and pictures of me and Nate thrown in there. I continued looking around my room. My desk was a mess, piles of homework and papers were all spread out and thrown all over the place. My text books were plopped down in a huge pile on the floor. I groaned just thinking about the weekend homework. The last thing my eyes landed on was my alarm clock, it read 1:00 in the afternoon. Why hadn't anyone woken me up? I liked to sleep in, but I needed to be up by 11, I had a gig at 2.

I jumped out of bed and ran over to my dresser. I could not believe the boys hadn't woken me up! They knew my schedule, one of them usually made sure I was up by 11 on weekends, because I tended to hit the snooze button and not wake up. I stormed into the living room and looked around. The place was a mess. Where the hell was Adam and his cleanliness? He usually had the whole apartment clean on a Saturday morning.

“Adam got called into work if your wondering.” Nate told me, coming out of the bathroom.

“Great….he was supposed to drive me to Planet Java. I’ll never make it now!” I groaned, glaring at him.

“Oh, you mean you didn‘t look outside when you woke up?” Nate questioned, looking at me. I had no idea what he was talking about. Why would I look outside? I never do.

“No, why?” I asked, totally confused.

“It snowed last night, almost everything’s closed. He got called into work because the girl scheduled lives in Jersey and couldn‘t get there today.” Nate explained to me.

“It snowed! Really?” I asked, excitedly. I loved the snow, always had since I was a little girl. I always thought it was pretty when everything lay covered in white, untouched. Of course, living in New York City nothing stays untouched for long. Back home, in Pennsylvania, everything remained untouched for days. We would get a snowstorm, and be snowed in for 2 or 3 days at a time.

“Yup, I promise you. Adam told me not to wake you because he doesn’t want you going all the way to Planet Java in this.” Nate stated, making himself a cup of coffee.

“Glad to know someone’s thinking about me, but I really wish someone would have told me!” I responded, sarcastically. I was not in a good mood, even though I loved the snow. I knew, I wouldn’t be able to get to Planet Java in this weather, but I would have appreciated someone telling me what was going on rather than just making plans for me.

“I just told you Angel. What is wrong?” Nate asked.

“Nothing, okay. NOTHING.” I responded. I would have to take this up with Adam, he was the one who told Nate not to wake me.

“Angel, why don’t you sit down. I’ll go buy us some hot chocolate from up the street.” Nate suggested.

“No, why don’t we just go to the café up the street together, I think I need to go somewhere to get myself in a better mood.” I told Nate. “Plus, I know they usually have an open mic all day, and I want to perform.” I knew I was in a bad mood, and I wanted to change that before I said something I would regret. I smiled at Nate, and went back in my room to get changed and grab my guitar.

“Ok, well I guess I’ll wait for you out here.” Nate said to my retreating form.

“That’s fine.” I stated, as I searched through my closet. I knew the exact sweater I was looking for, but I saw every single sweater but that one. I wanted my favorite sweater. My mother had bought it for me. My sister had a matching one in light blue one at home. My closet was a mess and I knew eventually I was going to have to clean it, but I honestly was not in the mood at the moment. I was aimlessly throwing each shirt, sweatshirt and sweater I saw that was not the one I was looking for on the floor when Nate walked in.

“Wow, do you need help, because your honestly making a mess.” Nate told me, as if I didn’t know that already.

“I know, I know. It’s just I can’t find the sweater I want. You know my pink one, the one my mom bought me.” I stated, frustrated.

“This one.” Nate said, holding up the very sweater that I was looking for.

“Yes, where’d you find it?” I asked, looking around at the mess I had made. Eh, I’d clean it up later.

“It was hanging up in the washroom. Adam must have done laundry.” Nate told me.

“Alright, I’ll be right out, just let me change.” I said, taking the sweater from him and pushing him out the door. I changed into a pair of black jeans and the sweater, smiling at my reflection. I always had what my mother used to call simple beauty. I had long, straight, flowing brown hair and eyes the color of dark chocolate. My skin was always perfectly tan, even in the winter because of the Italian and Spanish in my genes. It also seemed that no matter what I ate, I never gained an ounce. Granted, Nate, Adam and I were struggling artists, working minimum wage jobs, we didn't have much to spend on food and often didn't have much to eat. My face was flawless, besides the one beauty mark by my right eye. I never had to put any makeup on and I could make the boys swoon. The thing was, I was not really into boys. I liked girls, and always had from as far back as I could remember.

Women were gorgeous. I’ve known that I like girls, since I was 5.The first memory I had of liking a girl was back when I was 5. I remembered one girl in particular. She lived next door, and we grew up together. I used to go to her house and bake cookies. We were best friends, until I kissed her. I was 10, and I knew that she was my first crush. There was just something about her that drew me in and before I knew it I had kissed her. She flipped, screamed, slapped me and then threw me out of the house. I never saw her again. Her parents apparently talked to my parents. My mother locked me in my room. I remember hearing my Dad yelling at her and asking where his “dyke” daughter was. He wanted to get at me bad, but my mother wouldn’t let him. She ended up in the hospital that night, and after that we never talked about me kissing Marina. In fact, my mother and I barely spoke at all after that.

“Angel! Are you almost done?” Nate yelled through the door.

“ I’ll be right out, chill!” I responded, opening my door. I grabbed my brush, and carefully brushed my hair.

“I can tell you were thinking, what about?” Nate asked, walking into my room.

“Marina. My first crush. I remember my Dad through a fit, and my mom ended up in the hospital because of it. I don’t regret it though. I can never regret something so wonderful.” I told him, in response.

“ A first crush is never something to regret, no matter the repercussions. My first crush was this kid named Dylan, his brother caught us kissing and beat me up. I still don’t regret it, even after a broken nose and two black eyes. Regret is one of the worst feelings, especially if it’s about something that made you so happy.” Nate stated, smiling at me and handing me my coat and scarf.

“ Definitely. I’m ready, let’s go.” I stated, putting my coat and scarf on, grabbing my guitar and then snaking my free arm around Nate’s waist.

We walked in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about Marina. She was the first girl I ever had feelings for, and since then I hadn’t kissed another. I dreamed of kissing girls all the time, but I hadn’t really met anyone. I knew there had to be someone out there, but I had yet to find them. I believed in love at first sight and knew that when I met my soul mate I would know. I smiled at that thought. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the feeling of something cold and wet on my back. I screamed and turned to see Adam running at us with a second snowball in his hand. He held his finger up to his lips and nodded at Nate. I held back a giggle, as he hit Nate with it.

“Hey!” Nate turned around, but laughed when he saw that it was Adam who had hit him.

“Hey!” Adam mocked, wrapping an arm around Nate’s waist.

“ Hey Adam, you get out early?” I asked, removing my arm from Nate's waist and holding my guitar with both hands now.

“Yeah, and I saw you guys as I was heading home. Where are you going?” He asked in response.

“To the café, it’s better than being stuck in our freezing apartment. Plus I wanted to walk through the snow!” I responded.

“Why did you bring your guitar? You going to perform?” He asked.

“Well, duh. They always have open mic from 2 until 7. I should get there just in time for it to start.” I replied, as I let go of my guitar with one hand and packed a snowball, throwing it at him.

“You better run.” Adam said, as he started to pack a new snowball.

“Oh no!” I feigned fear and ran toward the café.

“Be careful, you don’t want to slip!” Nate yelled, watching as Adam chased me.

Adam caught up to me quickly. After all, I was only five feet tall and Adam was much taller, so it was easy for him to catch up to me. He grabbed me, and pushed the snowball into my hair. I tried to wiggle free and he just picked me up, gently putting my guitar on the ground. I couldn't help but laugh, this was a typical day for us. We played around like this all the time, it was what keeps our friendship so tight.

“Let’s go I want some hot chocolate!” I yelled, wiggling out of Adam’s arms and opening the door of the café for the two of them, I grabbed my guitar and followed them inside.

Warning

So, my friend's blog has me thinking way too much now. Thinking can be quite dangerous for me because I tend to overthink. I've always dreamed of having kids. As a little girl I played with dolls and took care of them as I would a child. One of my biggest problems when I came out was that I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to have children. I mean, I know physically I still can. It's just scary.

I mean, this world is horrible enough to deal with as a kid coming from a normal family. I had a horrible time in elementry school. I had maybe 2 friends, from 3rd-7th grade. I used to go home and cry. I had been backstabbed, betrayed, and used. Yet, I came from a perfectly normal family. I can't imagine what it would be like for any kid I would have. Kids can be so cruel, and it seems they tend to fear anything different. I always want to think that the world is getting more open minded, but then things happen that scare me.

I want a child, so bad. It's always been my dream. My question is, would I make a good parent in the world today? The way the world is, would I be a good parent? My other biggest qualm is the fact that in a world so full of hate, how could I possibly bring a child in that had two mothers? Would that be cruel? What would society do? Those are my fears, put into questions.

I also worry about if I'll ever find that person. I had thought I had found her. I could see myself having kids and raising a family with my ex. Yet, look at what happened. My new fear, is that I'll never find the girl of my dreams, my soulmate. Then what? All my dreams, are gone. I could still bring up a child, but would bringing up a child as a single parent, using a donor really be the right thing? Sometimes that's worse than my fear of bringing a child into the world with two mothers.

Fun Fun Fun

So today, I went to see one of my bestest friends Ricky. We were supposed to hang at the beach and have Opal meet us, but it kind of looked nasty so we weren't at the beach long. But while we were there we decided that we were going to make a video for me to put on my blog. We also realized we've been friends for a year now, as we met through my ex a year ago. So this is us and our craziness.

That Girl

So thanks to Mels I have a new band obsession. Along with it, I also have a random STRAIGHT obsession with the bassist of this band, Dougie. I would go straight for him. It's REALLY WEIRD. I freaked myself out a bit. So since Carey brought it to my attention that I hadn't blogged in awhile, here is a blog with the treat of one of my fave songs and videos by the great Mcfly.

My Letter to Carey

Dear Carey,

I don't really know why I'm writing this, other than that you told me to, and I love you. Hehe. You are one of the only people I would spend three hours in traffic to see. You were amazing in RENT. You made me proud to be one of your friends. I miss you mucho. It sucks that we live so far. I enjoy hanging with you. I tried to look for the issue of Weird NJ that you mentioned held out male little bo peeps, but I did not find it. Now, i will think of you whenever I hear anything concerning little bo peep or Weird NJ. :)

I am so glad I met you last summer, through Ariel. I'm glad we got close. You are amazing and you never cease to make me smile. You are my....I cna't think of a good analogy at the moment, but I will add it when I do. I cannot wait to have this big sleepover with you there. We will go nuts in the city before staying in the same place for two nights! Then, maybe I shall drive you home and you can see how psycho I am on road trips.

I'm glad that i didn't lose you as a friend after the break up. I'm glad we still talk. I'm looking forward to late night convos as you are done RENT now. I still think you were amazing. I wish we could have gotten there to see you in all your scenes, but the traffic from hell prevented that. Well, I love you and I can't think anymore and so I will close this off. Here is you letter love.

<333 Marisa

Twilight Release Party

Photobucket Album

Contact (title by Mels)

So today was a fun and interesting. I went to pick up Mels, and meet her friend Veronica. It was fun. Veronica is really cool. We hung out at my house for a bit, and heard my brother tell some crazy story about a relative of mine. Then we were off on what would become an adventure. We had quite an adventure. I didn't know, going to see RENT could be so amusingly fun.

First of all, what should have taken an hour and a half, ended up taking 3 hours. So we left 5:30 and didn't get there, until 8:45. The show started at 8. Needless to say, that at 7:45 I started spazzing, quite a bit as we were still 10 miles away, in bumper to bumper traffic. The traffic was like a parking lot, we were barely moving. So, we decided to blast music and sing.

At some point, we ended up next to a navy blue VW golf. I remember the exact car. It had a rainbow bumper sticker, so I was jsut like "Oh, look, maybe their gay." So Mel, looks over and it was a woman. So I asked if she was hott. Of course, Mel's doesn't know she's my straight "lil sis." So as traffic stands still, being me I start pounding on my steering wheel going "PEOPLE DRIVE I WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S HOT!" So, like magic, we start to move, and after a short time of stop and go, end up next to her. I look over and she's watching us, smiling. She was hot. So I made the mistake of saying that, making Mels think "Oh, let's give her you're number next time we pull up next to her in this traffic jam." I wanted it and didn't want it. I was curious, but yet nervous. So Mels wrote my number on her Wawa sandwich receipt and had all intentions of putting it up to the window when we stopped again. Yet, we didn't luck out and stop close enough. Though we kept passing her and she kept smiling and laughing at us. I kept being a goof and trying to get traffic to stop or go, based on where we were in relation to her. It was quite fun, and funny. Especially when Mels friend called in the middle of it and we were all cracking up. Then, we had to tell our friend Lauren, who was meeting us at the show where we were and Veronica goes "Marisa's trying to get someone to taste her cherry." So needless to say a road trip with me tends to turn out quite amusing. Especially, when you're stuck in traffic.

Carey was amazing as squeegee man, even though we got there late because the stupid traffic. I was glad we went. I missed Carey, and it's always so nice to see him. We're def. going to plan a weekend and try to get Mels, Veronica, Lauren, Carey, Matteo and I all together.