Best Kept Secret

So my stress level has been rapidly growing the last few days. Last night was the worst. I was literally spazzing out. Now,I'm not one to get angry enough and stressed enough to throw things usually. Yet, last night I threw my business law book across the room, and lost mel's pen that was in it in the process.

All of my stress last night revolved around one thing. MY BROTHER. My brother is being a complete idiot. Now, my dad isn't in the best health right now. He was in the hospital about two weeks ago, with symptoms of a heart attack. Since then he's been going for all kinds of tests on his heart. So I've been worried, as I'm a major Daddy's girl and am really worried about losing him now more than ever. On top of that my brother is only increasing my dad and my mom's stress.

MY parents found out that my SIXTEEN year old brother has been smoking for over a year. They also found out he drinks and my mother suspects he smokes pot too. My brother's excuse is that EVERYBODY does it, that 99.9% of his school does it. That's complete bullshit. I went to that school. I never did any of that shit and neither did half my friends. Okay, so MAYBE some of my friends drank, but not all of them. NONE of them smoked. I never did either. Anyway, needless to say my parents are both very upset.

My mother keeps asking me what she did wrong in raising him. I tell her nothing, but it doesn't make her stop questioning that. I'm so pissed at him. He makes her and my dad upset. My mom's been crying. He talks to them like their garbage. He leaves the house randomly without telling them where he's going, and now they know why. I just can't believe he'd do this to them. He really has them upset. I can't even say that enough because it's an understatement.

There's a thought in the back of my mind that won't go away though. My mom keeps saying "What could possibly be so bad that he'd feel he needed to do that?" and my mind goes to me. The one thing he's been complaining about and making little subtle comments about has been me being gay. So even though i know I shouldn't, I can't help but think that maybe that's why. Mels already told me not to think that way, and not to blame myself. Yet, I can't help that thought from forming. I can try and tell myself it's not true, but it doesn't make it go away. I thought I was a good role model. I thought he knew better and that I had set a better example for him. I'm his big sister, and I always tried to leave the line of communication open. Yet, apparently I was not a good enough role model or example as he did all the things I never did and never wanted him to do.

I'm just really upset, hurt, angry and disappointed with my brother. Like I don't even want to talk to him. Especially because he's lied to me. He trusted me at one point! He used to tell me the stupid stuff he'd do. He told me the first time he ever drank. I didn't tell him a disapproved. I did tell my parents, just to make them aware. He never knew I told them. So I don't know what I did for him to stop confiding in me! He lied to me, and continues to. Like today he came in reeking of smoke and told me it's because he was with our neighbor who smokes and that all the kids were smoking coming out of the high school. Apparently, he has no clue I know. I just...I don't even want to talk to him because all it's doing is pissing me off more and more. I think I'm more mad at him than anything else. I'm mad that he had to pull this shit. He should know better.