Crash&Burn

Okay, so it seems to me like every single time I feel good and I feel like I'm doing well and am starting to come into my own and get back on my feet, there's something that just shocks me and sets me back and makes me have doubts. It seems like I was so confident last year when I started college and now it's all down the tubes.

I come out of my health class and Sue sees me and calls me over. Then she proceeds to start apologizing to me. I don't know what she's apologizing for, so I'm just staring at her. Finally I ask why, and she tells me. "So we have our table today, and I was sitting there giving information and having people fill out the sign up sheet and this girl comes up. She looked familiar but I didn't know why, and so I gave her all the information. Well after she walks away I look at the sheet and go oh shit that was Ariel." and then she kept apologizing to me. I mean, it isn't her fault. We're a club we're supposed to welcome all members of the student body.

I just don't know how I feel about it. I'm a bit upset. I mean, it may be selfish reasons but she really hurt me and these are my friends who helped me through it. This was my club and still is as I'm vice president of it with Sue as president. To have my ex-g/f who hurt me so deeply join, well I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I'm going to react if she walks into the classroom next Wed. for the meeting. I haven't seen or talked to her since we broke up 4 months ago.

In a way, and this may sound selfish, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my friends who have stuck by me through the whole break up and been there for me the entire time, are going to meet her and like her more than me. I'm afraid that their going to think I lied about all she did to me because they'll meet her and think she is super sweet. I don't know how likely that is, but it's a fear I have. Plus, my friend Nicole, who I just reconnected with recently and got to join RA used to like Ariel ,and doesn't know Ariel is the ex that literally broke my heart. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't know if they were still friends or not. So I don't even know what's going to happen with my friends in rainbow alliance and that scares me. It's like what happens if I lose them or if they like her better after everything she did to me?

I think selfishly i'm also upset because it's been my club since i started college. I was one of the first members when it was reformed and there were like 5 of us in the club. I helped shape it into the larger group that it is becoming this semester. I work with Sue to come up with ideas for fundraising and events. Yet, here she is joining and I guess I kind of feel like she's invading my turf. As selfish as that is. I don't know.

I don't know why this is even getting to me. I was so confident last year. I was like I'm me, and I don't care what anyone thinks. Now, lately, I feel like I'm doubting everything. I'm doubting how my friends really feel about me. I'm doubting it all, and I don't know why.