Emotions Emotions Emotions

No one can ever explain the shock you feel when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. I've heard the stories from others, and especially the kids at camp and their siblings. Yet, never have I experienced it myself. Until today. Today has changed a lot in that category for me. I realize just how hard it must be for those parents and siblings, as it's hard enough for me to think of my elderly grandmother having it, let alone a baby or child. Cancer is not something to joke about, as I have experienced someone who joked and lied about it. It is not something to take lightly. It's a scary thing. I always knew that, but now I'm truly seeing that.

My grandmother, Mootzie as my cousins and I all call her because my cousin John Paul started that trend, has never been the closest to me. I'm closer to my mom's mother, the grandma that lives with me...but it's still my grandmother and I love her. She went to the doctor for a routine colonoscopy, ended up in the hospital because they found an abscess on her colon. No one expected to hear she had colon cancer. When they did the surgery to remove the abscess they discovered a large tumor, and upon testing tissue around the tumor they discovered that not only did the tumor contain cancer but the cancer had spread. We're still waiting to find out how much and what stage, but the fact of the matter is my grandmother has colon cancer.

I don't even know how I feel right now. I'm calm, and yet I feel guilty for it when I see my parents crying. I'm upset, but yet not outwardly upset. I have so many conflicting emotions. The shock of all of it is just a lot for me. I can't even put it into words. I'm shocked and upset. Yet, I'm trying to be the optimistic one in my family since everyone else is so upset. I'm trying to say...let's see what the doctor's say, let's see what stage, and if it's what God wants then who are we to say there's no reason...everything has a reason no matter how horrible. F.R.O.G. fully rely on god. I can do nothing but hope and pray and so it's what I'm trying to do. I know that no matter what happens my family is strong and together we'll get through it. We always do. It's just such a shocking and hard thing to deal with.

So, F.R.O.G. Mootzie. I love you.