Almost Lover

Music is my life. If i can't figure out how to describe an emotion, i can usually find a song that does. At the moment, i'm addicted to "Almost Lover" because it describes everything. I pushed all my feelings aside for awhile now. Which led to a complete emotional breakdown today.

I torture myself. I continuously look at Ariel's facebook. I continuously think about her. I can't stop. It hurts so much, but I cannot stop. I want to see how she is. The fact that she isn't doing well, only make sit hurt worse. I want to be there. I want to be holding her. I want to be helping her through everything. Yet she hurt me. She said so many horrible things. She pushed me away. Still, I cannot stop thinking about her. I still love her. I wish I didn't. If I didn't, things would be so much easier. I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be moody. I wouldn't feel so numb. Yet, I do. All of this, over a girl.

I thought that she was the one. I wanted to spend my life with her. I wanted to marry her, have kids with her. She had told me she wanted the same. Yet, apparently not. The thing that gets me is she told me I treated things as a friendship with a title. Yet, I was thinking of giving myself fully to her, including my virginity. That's alot for me. I'm very much old fashioned. I believe in saving myself for my soul mate. Yet, that's what I thought she was. Here i was thinking of that, and she was on a completely different page. As Mels put it, we were on two different pages. That's what hurts so much.

I'm still struggling to move past this. I tried to lie and say I was over it. Yet, I'm not. The thing that gets me is her. My friends tell me things, thinking it'll help, but it doesn't. My friend Amy told me she's a mess. She died her hair, and has been depressed and is on medication. That only makes me feel worse. It only makes me wish I could be there for her.

Another thing that's been bothering me, is my brother. The other night, he really upset me. Jessi, my best friend who was my other half all through high school, was over. We were watching a movie with him, and our friend Kayloni. First, we were talking about relationships and when I mentioned Ariel, he put a hand on my shoulder and said "Sis, do yourself a favor and go back to men." THEN, later Kayloni was gushing over Vin Diesel and I wasn't saying anything, because obviously being a lesbian I wouldn't feel that way. So he turns to me and foes, "I wish you'd agree with her." It bothers me. He told me he was okay with everything. I cried to him, and he assured me he loved me the same. He's talked to me about it before and never seemed to have a problem. So his sudden attitude change and biting comments are really bugging me. I want to know what changed and why.