You Might Think I'm Bulletproof But I'm Not

So, I don't know what to say to describe anything right now without saying things out or anger, upset and hurt that I'd later regret. I was going to make a private entry but I don't know if there's that option anymore. I couldn't find it. So I don't really know what to say other than I really wish I could find a way to make everything normal again. That's all I want, but it seems it's not going to be so easy. So many people think I'm crazy for even wanting that after everything. I never wanted anyone to get hurt and in a way I'm glad it's me. I'd rather see myself hurting than anyone else. Yeah, so people may think I'm just saying that, but I'm not. I was prepared to be the one hurt, and yeah it hurts and sucks but hey I'm used to it. Nothing goes my way at times and well, i'm used to dealing with people lying to me. Sure, it sucks, but it's my fault. I take things the wrong way and I believe people easily. Sure, there's people that deserve my trust and I know who they are, but apparently there's people I come to hang on every word of that I shouldn't. There's some things I can believe and others I can't. That's the way I think it will always be. Sometimes I wish I could just not hang on every word people say, but if I did that even the people who deserve that trust would be out and that would be a very lonely road. I don't want that. I don't. It just sucks that things that make others happy are making me so sad.

I've been told I'm better than this, but am I really? Am I, because I don't see it. All I see is myself repeating the same mistakes, believing certain phrases people say when they can't be trusted and rescind it all later, even the same day or talk behind my back. Maybe it's just all this shit with ex-best friend, maybe it's just my paranoia, but sometimes I don't know what to trust. People who know that really should be more careful around me, but their not and now here I am hurting all over again. I HATE THIS. I really and truly do. Why claim you mean everything, tell me these HUGE HUGE things and then two hours later rescind it when I explicitly told you NOT TO say that unless you meant it. Now, as much as I want normalcy it's starting to seem hard. I think about stopping the hiding act, but all that I think when I think of ims and talking are horrible words, mean words, anger....and so I guess I'm either not ready to talk or I won't ever be able to have things return to normal and that just sucks. I've been here before and it really sucks. It's even making me doubt those I can trust for more than just one reason and my typical paranoia. I hate this. I think this is all I can say for now without saying things I don't mean and while staying vague.I don't know how to fix things and make them normal, not now and I don't know what's going to happen. Usually I'm the optimist and it sucks because right now all I'm thinking is pessimistic thoughts and just wishes that I think a lot of people would kill me if they knew.

I'm jsut so afraid that things like this are going to continue happening. Do I have a big label on my face that says "Hey i'm gullible and once you gain my trust I'll believe anything you say?" I mean, why else would things like this keep happening? Why else would people keep lying to me? Sometimes I just really don't know who to trust, even if I have one person, my sissy, who I fully trust sometimes lately I even doubt her because of EVERYTHING and it sucks. I mean I still have this feeling, and fear, despite everything in my last entry that I'm going to lose her because why would things work so well for me in that sense? It's scary to me...but it's something I can't help. I can't help that feeling. I'm glad she understands my paranoia and is always here to reassure me, but it's constant. The littlest things will make me fear it. The littlest things will make me think there'll be someone she'll start telling more to and then eventually get closer to and forget me. Little things set off a huge paranoia, especially with her because of the fact that I keep being lied to by everyone it seems. I mean, my ex-best friend once was called my sister and I talked to her everyday and SAW her twice a week at times and look what happened there? So with that looming over me and now everything else that's exploded as I've been dealing with that, sometimes it really is hard to trust that everything is going to stay the same, but so far even when others have betrayed me, been annoyed by me, hurt me, or lied she has been there. I hope my fears never come true, but I can't ever stop them. I'm just glad she understands and is always willing to reassure me and not just about this, but everything. Sometimes, I really don't know where I'd be without her. It makes me want to cry and freak out just thinking about it.

I think I'm going to end this here though. I don't know what else to say while still being vague so as not to hurt anyone. Sure, some might say if I'm hurt I shouldn't care, but I'm not heartless and I'd feel guilty if I made anyone feel bad. I already feel guilty for some things and I don't want to make it worse, so I'm going to leave it all at this. This is just how it's going to be for awhile I guess :/ I hate it, but I'd rather it be me than anyone else and I don't know what could possibly be done about it. It's my own feelings, my paranoia, my sensitivity, and so no one can really change that. I just hope I can break out of this and get the hell over it all soon because I HATE feeling this way. I went through a depressive episode and while I have chronic dep. I don't want to be as low as I was during the few months to a year it got really bad. I want this to go away, and so I need to find a way to get the hell over all of it and stop doubting every single thing.