I Hate the Sound of Nothing

So, I have so many emotions swirling through me tonight. Good and bad. I've done nothing all day but sleep and read. Fun, right? I talked to Cupid a bit, and Emmy and Kel, but that's it really. Jill was in trouble so my plans were cancelled because Amy didn't want to go and Jill wasn't allowed. So I did nothing but finish The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which by the way is a good book. I have so many things swirling through my mind at the moment though, and I don't even know where to start.

First of all it amazes me to see how people change, even when they say they won't. I don't really feel lie explaining this because I don't want to get upset, but it truly amazes me. I also took a step toward maybe making the situation that has had my paranoia flaring up, better. I mean, I messaged the ex-best friend. I told her how I hated her lies, and that she made my paranoia and depression worse and that's why I stopped talking to her and would continue to stop talking to her. I hope it helps and I hope no one else has to deal with repercussions. I at least feel better getting it off my chest, I'm just afraid of how she'll react. I mean she already was acting like a bitter little bitch to Erin and Kamali because Erin was dating me. It's none of her business and she has no say in it. I'm not about to let her ruin something I've wanted or just in general. It's not her decision and I'm not going to let her guilt Erin or mess anything up. Neither is Erin.

Despite all this my paranoia is still flaring and I'm just pissed at the world. Yeah, sounds fun huh? People have been nasty at work all week. Plans have been ruined and generally I've been in a pissed at the world, paranoid about everyone mood today. Though, Kel helped and Emmy unknowingly helped. Plus of course, Erin did too just by talking and making plans to a degree. So that's nice. I'm very happy with Erin. I really like her and she was there for me at 5am yesterday when no one else was awake or there, and she helped me make the decision to finally message the ex-best friend. She always makes me smile in simple ways and always has. I wish that visits were more frequent or she could visit again this summer, but I understand money is tight. I just hope that Kamali and I can get there winter break as we talked about. That would be pretty damn amazing.

I'm happy in some ways and relaxed tonight. I had a relaxing night with a book and I talked to Erin and Kelbel and Emmy a bit. At the same time I'm pissed by many things. I'm pissed by selfishness, immaturity, rudeness, and just many other things. I just don't understand people, and so despite how calm I am after reading, I'm still pondering all this.

Yeah, so none of this is probably making any sense and so I'm just going to stop. Despite all of this, i'm in a pretty calm mood. Sure, i'm still thinking, but i'm really rather calm, surprisingly.