Come In With The Rain

I think it was Kelly who said Taylor Swift describes things so well. She does. Lately my moods have been mixed, good to bad, happy to depressed. Everything. I have good things going on, but other things that suck. My sissy wrote a blunt and honest blog, and I wish I could explain my feelings easily to her and what makes some of what she said hard for me, but it's not so easy apparently. I guess I'll try and then maybe just maybe I'll end this with some of the good going on. The bad seems to overshadow it at times lately and despite being happy to be with my Cupid, I'm actually rather depressed lately. I'm lucky I have Jill because she keeps me from dwelling there and being a complete hermit as I was the last times I felt this low. She makes me laugh and smile and makes sure I have fun even in my lowest times, which she doesn't even realize she's doing. She introduced me to Taylor Swift at the perfect time, even if sissy and others were planning to do so too. Taylor Swift's music seriously covers all bases, my happiness and sadness. My ups and my downs, in different songs. I can't believe how well she does and portraying those emotions and she's almost a year younger than me, if I'm not mistaken.

Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I'm struggling a lot lately. I miss friendships but yet once my trust is broken I'm not so willing to put out the effort to fix it. When I'm the one hurt and I'm the one who has their trust and feelings hurt most, even if others have too, I'm not really going to put an extra effort to be the one to make it right. I mean, when people know what they did, or should know what they did, why do I have to be the one to start things off on the path to fixing things? Maybe it's selfish and wrong to think that way, but I can't really help but feel that way. I just get so paranoid and when I don't have the trust in someone I can't easily just start an im or start talking like nothing is different. It's not that I won't talk to them, I'm not that stubborn, I just honestly can't be the one making that move. If you hurt me, and you want to fix it, you have to work at it. I'll work with you, but I can't be the one making the effort. Yeah, maybe it might sound wrong or selfish, though I don't see it that way and talking to Jill she doesn't seem to think it is either. She's dealt with a lot of my breakdowns in person and so she really knows how I've been feeling. I'm so grateful to her for it and if she wasn't around I'm not sure what the hell I'd be doing right now.

Not only am I struggling with this, but I'm constantly paranoid that I'm losing my best friend or being replaced. Yeah, I've been assured otherwise and have spoken of that in other blogs, but hey, it doesn't stop my mind from thinking it and from just shutting things down when I feel that way. I don't want that, as I've constantly said but sometimes it just seems like everything has converted to that fear. Like I've become so indifferent about everything else that all I do anymore is freak out about that. We talk about it, I'm reassured a lot, but it doesn't seem to stop the freak outs and upset. It doesn't. Plus, I've been paranoid about so much. I've been having sleeping issues again and not just because insomnia but I'm so paranoid about so much I can't sleep before 4-5am unless I CRASH and fall asleep talking to someone or doing something. I just can't seem to sleep right anymore. It sucks, but it's what I've become used to once more.

I hate this though, because I've been at this point before and it's when I was honestly in my worst depression about a year ago or so. I know it's not even always circumstances that cause depression but a chemical imbalance and I know I have chronic depression so it never goes away but it seems big episodes that can amount to more than chronic can occur and I don't want another one, and yet I'm afraid I'm slipping into one of them. Honestly, if I couldn't bring my computer into my bed with me, and if I didn't have to work, well there'd be many times recently where I wouldn't be on the computer or leaving my room. Which is where I was about a year ago. Maybe it's everything I was feeling then with the ex-best friend flaring up again, maybe it's everything else going on, maybe it's a combination, I don't know. All I know is even my parents seem to be noticing because they're constantly asking if I'm okay or something, though Jill does help and she makes them less worried I guess because she gets me out and doing things despite it all. Maybe she'll keep this from getting there. I hope so, because I don't want to be back at that point, especially because I didn't feel paranoid about losing my sissy as much as I do now and so she helped me a lot. I know she still can and nothing will change that, but I just think all this paranoia is going to make things ten times worse if I slip back there.

I don't really know what else to say without repeating myself of elaborating on things I'd rather not. I just hate all of this. So yeah, but now onto the happier end of things. Well, first Jill. Jill is my brother's girlfriend of six months and we hang out a lot when he's at work and I'm not. She moved here from NY, then moved to California, and is back here now. She doesn't really have many friends, and so I like hanging out with her, and her me. I mean she's over all the time anyway because she's here with Jimmy, but that's besides the point. The point is despite everything she's taking me out, hanging out with me, and making sure I laugh and smile even by the stupidest things. It's nice to have someone here in RL who can do that and is with me a lot. Sure, I have other RL friends who could, but their not here as much as Jill is.

Anyway, onto the next thing. Cupid. It's been a week and I know even if we don't work out as a relationship we're still going to be good friends. We discussed it. Both of us had been there and seen the alternatives and neither of us wanted it. We also don't think that could happen with us anyway unless one of us were to be a complete jerk. So, yes, Cupid/Erin is a good thing for me right now. I really am glad we talked and worked that out. It's nice. Though, our schedules don't seem to permit us to talk as much as we'd like, we do talk and we do plan to do all we can and even try to see each other winter break. So we'll see how that goes. All I know is she's special and she brings a smile to my face with just a thought of her.

Then, the last good thing on this blog is my cousin's wedding. My cousin Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding 2 days ago. Laura and I had been really close when I was younger, probably all my childhood until about high school when we had a bit of a rough patch. Anyway, I don't really need to go into all of that. All I want to say is she asked me to be in her wedding and her wedding is in DISNEY! DISNEY! I haven't been to Disney since I was 7 and now I get to go for a WEDDING. It's going to be amazing to be with my cousins, and family and in Disney. Plus, we're eating in CINDERELLA'S CASTLE after the wedding and it's just going to be a blast to spend my cousin's happiest day with her and to be going to Disney with her. She's coming up here the weekend before I go to camp to dress shop with me, and I'm excited. The dresses look gorgeous, her wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses, all of it. I can't wait to see her get married and to hang out in Disney with her and her little sisters who have grown up and now have become pretty close to me. It's really going to be awesome and I cannot wait. Plus, Laura told me we're also going to spend a day in Universal and at Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so of course I'm excited about that. Sure, it's a year away but that doesn't mean I can't be excited about that. :D

So yeah, this is insanely long and does have a lot of mixed emotions as I said it wuld. Sorry for all the depressing stuff but sometimes it just needs to come out. Anyway, I'm cutting this off now.