Can You Feel It Now?

Yeah, so last night was bad.....for my paranoia and general mood. Of course, Erin made it better. She always does. Simply webchatting with her until 3:30 in the morning will always make it better it seems. Thank god. I hate how this blog has been about really negative ventations but it seems when I have a good day there's nothing particularly to blog. Oh well, I'll try to blog more on those days. I'll def. blog after my vacation.

Anyway, this is going to be fairly short and simple. Things are changing. Maybe it is my paranoia, but I can't help but feel that regardless of what is said they are and no one inside the situation can see it. Tell each other everything one minute, then say you shouldn't say anything or that you can't. Regardless of if it's everyone or that one person, how is that not change? Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe it's just peeking my paranoia majorly, but that upsets me and all I feel is that now I'm going to be walking on eggshells and I hate that. Anyway, that's not even the point. The point is regardless of it all, of course nothing is going to change on my end. Regardless of how I feel about anything, unless trust is involved, I can't change things. I just hate this feelings. It messes with me. It makes me paranoid and it depresses me. It really sucks. If it weren't for Erin last night, well I don't know how I would have calmed down. Thank god for her.

Anyway, once more as I said yesterday I'm just so frustrated with so much between work situations, home situations, and just in general. Stress and frustration. I don't want anything to change on top of that and yet a simple conversation once more is making me doubt. Then there's all these other thoughts running through my mind. If I don't talk to anyone will they try? Are things going to be awkward? What's going on with so and so? Am I going to be ditched? What about this, what about that? Like my mind is on speed and one simple thing tends to make me go into insane let me not stop thinking mode. If it doesn't stop today I'm just glad I'll be staying at Jill's so I don't have to sleep because I won't be able to anyway. Work is going to be hell because well, I just don't want to be there. Right now, I really don't want to be anywhere. I don't even mean that in a depressing way or how it sounds. I just mean I'd rather...well I don't know how to explain what I mean by that. I don't mean it the way it sounds though. I just don't know how exactly to explain it.

Maybe I should stop now. This isn't really helping and I can't even explain things properly. Besides, I have to get ready and go to work soon. On a plus not, Erin got her hair done and I can't wait to see the pictures. Jill and I are going swimming later and then I'm staying over her house for a Disney Movie night. That should make things better to a degree or at least I won't be sitting home overthinking everything as I have been all morning. That's a plus.