Why do you have to make me feel small?

So...despite being in a good mood yesterday today I'm angry. Very angry about oh so many things and it's definitely putting a damper on my mood. So many things and some I'm just not even going to talk about here. I'm also going to add stuff from yesterday at the end of this to make it a not so total rant. If you don't like rants then don't read or even try keeping up with my blog. It seems it's rare for me to blog when I don't need to do it to get off some steam. I'm sure there will be times, but it seems rare so far.

Anyway onto the entry. You...I hate you. I REALLY do and I don't hate anyone typically, but you, you've managed to earn that status with your lies, deceit and continued lies. When people say their done and YOU say your done with someone, don't you understand that's it? Not to mention wtf kinda lie did you tell your mother to make her hate someone that had nothing to do with the situation and who despite it all has STILL been trying to be your friend when she has every right to hate you! What is wrong with you? Also, how the fuck is it that when I'm done with you, you still manage to snake your way into my life and continue to make me more paranoid and just hateful of others who i suspect are like you? Really now, how do you manage that? I HATE YOU and wish you'd DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Why don't you? Okay, I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I want you out of my life and yet you keep coming back and are still managing to make me feel like everyone is going to turn out like you at times. What's up with that? It must just be me, but I like to think it's you. I hate you.

Then I'm still having a hard time grappling with how things got fucked up. I mean you go from best friends to enemies. Sisters to enemies. How the hell does that happen? I have trust issues, you know this....you break it and then try to act as if nothing is wrong? WHAT THE HELL? I'm also angry at myself. How do I let this happen to me? How many times is it going to happen? I can almost name more than one occasion now and it fucking sucks. Like what is it with me? Do I have something written on my forehead going "FUCK WITH ME I'M AN EASY TARGET" or something? I mean sometimes it feels that way. It makes me doubt everyone and feel like...I don't know I'll never be important enough to anyone. Like I'll always be the person there but never really counted on or counted in, easily discarded when I'm not needed. Yeah, it sucks but I can't help but feel that way sometimes. I pin a lot of it on my paranoia, but sometimes I can't help but feel it's true because if it wasn't how the hell would this keep happening? How is it that I have very few friends I can count on at this point and even sometimes I doubt them...are they lying? Are they going to drop me? Am I really important to them or are they just saying it to appease me? How many times can I expect them to answer the same questions and to sit there and stick with me? I don't know any of the answers and yet these thoughts surface constantly. Maybe it isn't my paranoia and i'm just insecure. I don't know. All I know is so often I feel replaceable and sometimes I feel replaced. Pathetic huh? Yeah, maybe I am being pathetic. I don't know what else to say though. It's like a constant nagging and it gets worse sometimes, especially when I'm angry at what I am today and when things like this crop up.

My mom didn't really help the other day either. We were talking about my cousin's wedding and she pretty much made a comment about how I was probably only asked because my uncle made a big deal about his daughter being asked and since I'm the only other girl cousin she had to ask me too. How can I trust that's not true? She sits and tells me that she's excited I'm in it and she wants to see me more, but how do I know that's true? I mean we were close, but then my other cousin said they both hated me...how do I know that's not the real truth? How do I know what's true? Besides, this same cousin tends to talk to me when she needs advice or something from me and then go long periods of time without talking to me at all. So how do I trust this? It's like I can't do a thing without having doubts about anyone and it really sucks.

Anyway, I'm just going to end this part. I have so much more I could say but this is turning into way too long of a rant and I don't even want to touch on the other subjects because really it's just making my mood worse. So maybe if I touch on some happier things I'll feel better. I don't know. So, let's see yesterday I worked all day and so you'd think it would have been a bad day but really it wasn't. I got to talk to a co-worker who goes to school in Boston about things Jessi&I can do in the few days that we'll be in Boston and Salem before camp starts. So that was good. Then Jill came over and we went shopping because I wanted another pair of shorts to bring to camp with me, at least one more pair. I ended up buying two cute dresses I loved, one of which was only $1 since the sale was buy one get one for $1. Then I went home and got to talk to Erin for awhile, which was nice since we haven't gotten to talk other than texting for almost a week because she's been at her sister's babysitting her nephew. So that was good. Then I just kind of talked to people and finished character sheets for a new story idea I had. So it really wasn't a spectacular day but it was pretty good. Now, tomorrow after work my cousin is picking me up with her fiancee to take me to Baltimore with them. We're staying ina sheraton...don't ask me how they have the money for that, and then Saturday we're going for my dress fitting and hanging out in inner harbor. I'm hoping we can go to the aquarium so I can see the dolphins because well that would make my day. I love dolphins and so seeing dolphins would be amazing. If not, well I can settle for visiting the 4-5 story Barnes&Noble there and just the beauty of inner harbor. So we'll see, but I'll be in Baltimore tomorrow night and Saturday. I come home Saturday night and then babysit Gigi all day Sunday with Jill. Gigi can always make me smile because I love my little goddaughter. So yeah....that's it for now I guess.