Okay, so I have developed an honest to god obsession with Doctor Who. There are only a few other obsessions that can even come CLOSE to the feeling Doctor Who gives me EVERY TIME I watch it. Them being Harry Potter, RENT and Spring Awakening. Even so, they don't come close enough. In the beginning I was so wishy washy about Doctor Who. I had heard of it, and I thought...oh that just sounds weird. Yet, after seeing an episode I was intrigued and now I just ADORE it. The show isn't just amazing for the plots, oh no, it goes so much deeper.
Doctor Who epitomizes so many symbols and themes. The Doctor stands for hope, love, life, and everything in between. You have a man, a timelord, who has lived over 900 years and seen so much, and yet he's still living and learning. He's still learning new things. He's a lonely man, he takes companions knowing that eventually he'll have to let them go. Eventually he'll have to allow them to live their own lives, have their families and do their own things. Yet, he still keeps going. I think this quote by River, whose identity is still not truly known to viewers yet, epitomizes what I just mentioned: "When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it."
It's true. No matter what happens the Doctor doesn't accept that. He keeps trekking on through time and space. He keeps moving and helping others. I have never seen on a single episode the doctor do for himself. He's always doing for others. He's always helping others. He never asks for anything in return either. He just does it. Again, Martha, a companion of his epitomizes this in a quote: "And his name is The Doctor. He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked. But I've seen him, I know him... I love him... And I know what he can do."
While there's some really sad episodes, even those episodes bring hope. He visits historic figures and literary figures, throwing in tales of monsters, witches and other supernatural elements, but deep down there's so much deeper meaning. I know this may all sound silly because it's about a tv show, but honestly this show really has made me love it because of the meaning and symbols in it. When I'm really feeling low, I just watch Doctor Who and the positive meaning and emotions it brings out can truly make me feel so much better. I can find a quote from almost every episode that I LOVE. This blog is only scraping the surface, and yet I felt the need to write it because, well it really makes me feel much more positive about everything.
I'm going to list some other quotes from the show that I absolutely adore:
"You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible: that maybe you survive."- 9th Doctor from The End of the World
"One may tolerate a world full of demons for the sake of an angel"- 10th Doctor from The Girl in the Fireplace
"He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe. And... he's wonderful."- Tim Latimer from The Family of Blood
"When you're a kid, they tell you it's all 'grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it.' But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better."- Elton from Love and Monsters
"What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind.... you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry."- Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"Have you ever run away from something because you were scared, or not ready, or just... just because you could?"-Amy Pond from The Beast Below
"You can't go back and change time, you mourn or you live"-from The Vampires of Venice
"It seems to me there is so much more to the world than the average eye is allowed to see. I believe if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of. It's colour! Colour that holds the key! I can hear the colours, listen to them. Every time I step outside, I feel nature is shouting at me. Come on! Come and get me! Come on! Capture my mystery!"- Vincent Van Gogh from Vincent and the Doctor
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."- 11th Doctor from Vincent and the Doctor
"That's okay; we're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. 'Cos it was, you know. It was the best....And the times we had. Woulda had. Never had. In your dreams they'll still be there. The Doctor and Amy Pond. And the days that never came."- 11th Doctor from The Big Bang
I don't know what else to say. I just felt an honest need to share why I love Doctor Who so much, and to put out there how upbeat it makes me feel. :D So that's it really.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You
Okay, so I feel an update is in order and a happy one at that! :D I feel like I've been far too in between lately, not really happy but not really sad. However, today I can't keep a smile off my face. Even the worst things that have happened today haven't broken my smile. Why, one may ask? A girl named Beck. Rebecca, but she goes by Beck.
Anyway, Beck was my date and the date was amazing. I have never had ANYONE treat me as she had. She literally followed the definitions of chivalry. I'm usually the one doing everything she did for me, for others. It was a nice change. She held doors for me, made sure I was in front of her and ordered first. She kissed my forehead. She called me beautiful. She just treated me better than anyone I've ever been with has. She was respectful and just amazing. The night before our date we had spoken on the phone for 6 hours! The date...well, let's say we opted to see a movie to spend more time together. I haven't been able to stop smiling since.
She's apparently got a plan for our second date too, but she won't tell me. All I know is she said she's going to take me there. Where there is, is a surprise to me. To me that's just thrilling. I have never had someone want to please me so much, and also someone tel me how happy I make them. I mean, I apparently make her smile and blush in a way no one else has, or so she says. She makes me feel loved, confident and just wonderful. I am happier than I've been in a long time thanks to Beck. I really needed something and I'm glad I found her now when I did.
She's also doing nanowrimo FOR ME! She didn't know what it was and has never written anything but poetry and yet here she is writing a mystery for nanowrimo just so she can write with me. I'm tickled. I mean, I can only hope I'm doing just as much for her as she's doing for me because she is absolutely amazing.
It's funny how life works sometimes. When your at your worst, well, it seems that sometimes luck or fate is on your side. I mean, when your at your worst things can always be worst and trying to have a positive outlook helps. It certainly helped me. As bad as I have been feeling, that positive outlook seems to have led me to Beck. I can only hope I don't screw this up. She makes me feel happier than I have in a long time, and I really needed it even if that sounds selfish. I'm glad she came into my life when she did and I'm glad she seems to really appreciate me.
Ironic fact: Beck was supposed to do Camp Sunshine in July. She didn't end up going because she got sick, 10 days before she was scheduled to volunteer and you can't be sick up to 2 weeks before camp since a lot of the kids have compromised immune systems. I was absolutely shocked and yet glad to hear she had planned to do it too.
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough, but I figured I'd share a bit of happiness here. Oh, also, nanowrimo is going well so far. I don't want to jinx myself, but so far I'm really liking my nano and I've been staying ahead. :D
:D
Anyway, Beck was my date and the date was amazing. I have never had ANYONE treat me as she had. She literally followed the definitions of chivalry. I'm usually the one doing everything she did for me, for others. It was a nice change. She held doors for me, made sure I was in front of her and ordered first. She kissed my forehead. She called me beautiful. She just treated me better than anyone I've ever been with has. She was respectful and just amazing. The night before our date we had spoken on the phone for 6 hours! The date...well, let's say we opted to see a movie to spend more time together. I haven't been able to stop smiling since.
She's apparently got a plan for our second date too, but she won't tell me. All I know is she said she's going to take me there. Where there is, is a surprise to me. To me that's just thrilling. I have never had someone want to please me so much, and also someone tel me how happy I make them. I mean, I apparently make her smile and blush in a way no one else has, or so she says. She makes me feel loved, confident and just wonderful. I am happier than I've been in a long time thanks to Beck. I really needed something and I'm glad I found her now when I did.
She's also doing nanowrimo FOR ME! She didn't know what it was and has never written anything but poetry and yet here she is writing a mystery for nanowrimo just so she can write with me. I'm tickled. I mean, I can only hope I'm doing just as much for her as she's doing for me because she is absolutely amazing.
It's funny how life works sometimes. When your at your worst, well, it seems that sometimes luck or fate is on your side. I mean, when your at your worst things can always be worst and trying to have a positive outlook helps. It certainly helped me. As bad as I have been feeling, that positive outlook seems to have led me to Beck. I can only hope I don't screw this up. She makes me feel happier than I have in a long time, and I really needed it even if that sounds selfish. I'm glad she came into my life when she did and I'm glad she seems to really appreciate me.
Ironic fact: Beck was supposed to do Camp Sunshine in July. She didn't end up going because she got sick, 10 days before she was scheduled to volunteer and you can't be sick up to 2 weeks before camp since a lot of the kids have compromised immune systems. I was absolutely shocked and yet glad to hear she had planned to do it too.
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough, but I figured I'd share a bit of happiness here. Oh, also, nanowrimo is going well so far. I don't want to jinx myself, but so far I'm really liking my nano and I've been staying ahead. :D
:D
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Just Let This Go
Okay, so here we go.
Promises. Promises are strange things and for me they build the relationship I have with someone. I will keep MY promises as long as someone keeps THEIRS. If you break my trust, ESPECIALLY when you KNOW I have trust issues, you should NOT expect me to keep my promises. Sorry, but it's only fair. If you make me promises and then go back on them, hurt me, break them, and break my trust then I WILL NOT keep my own promises to you, sorry it doesn't work that way. Trust is a two way street. When on way is broken, the other is too. So, really don't think you're guilting me or making me feel bad. YOU did it to yourself and you ruined much more in the process.So please, don't expect sympathy from me. I'm sorry you ruined that for yourself. Maybe I'm not a heartless bitch and a part of me still cares, otherwise I probably wouldn't even be typing this and making it known how I feel, but I'm sick and tired of lying and pretending. I tried and you ruined things more and more for yourself. Many promises have been broken and really, you should know just how important promises and trust is to me.
Anyway, now that that's out of the way time for an update. So, it's nanowrimo! Yay! I was so excited for nanowrimo to start. I love the chaos and the stress of trying to write 50,000 words in a chaotic month. Already it's becoming stressful as I have so much schoolwork on top of it, but staying ahead is helpful. I hit 3000 words on the first day and now I'm nearly at 6000 and counting. Plus tomorrow I have nothing planned until my 5pm class and so I'll be doing a lot of writing. I totally changed my plan. My plan was to write a character of mine, Azrael's story. However, I didn't have enough muse and so instead I'm reworking a story I began to post on my blog earlier, probably last Feb. or so called Two Worlds Collide. The entire story is changed because I cut out one character, added three new ones. Everything is different. The only thing that's the same is the general plot. Otherwise I have reworked the entire story.
My first night of nanowrimo was amazing. Kamali had been at my house all weekend and we spent the night counting down as we watched Doctor Who with lots of snacks and drinks. Then we began writing at midnight, and were up until about 4am working on our nano. I'm excited to have a bunch of writing buddies, at least a handful. It makes it more fun to do it with others and have them pushing you along. I also think that Kamali and I will be working in a few write ins which also help. I'm super excited for nano this month.
I also have some other news. Particularly, I have a date tomorrow. I'm going to dinner with a girl. I'm excited. We've been texting nonstop and she is adorably sweet. I wake up to a good morning text from her every single day. She actually decided to participate in nanowrimo because she heard me talking about it and wanted to do it with me. She's sweet and while I'm super nervous I'm also excited to get out and actually go on a physical date. Plus, this girl and I share so many morals and views. She has the same views on family and she values school as much as I do. She also goes to the same university I'll be transferring into, though i'll be doing my classes off the main campus since they offer them at the one five minutes away from me.
Anyway, I think that's it for the update. I'm not sure when I'll write again since I'll be busy with nanowrimo and all, but we shall see.
Promises. Promises are strange things and for me they build the relationship I have with someone. I will keep MY promises as long as someone keeps THEIRS. If you break my trust, ESPECIALLY when you KNOW I have trust issues, you should NOT expect me to keep my promises. Sorry, but it's only fair. If you make me promises and then go back on them, hurt me, break them, and break my trust then I WILL NOT keep my own promises to you, sorry it doesn't work that way. Trust is a two way street. When on way is broken, the other is too. So, really don't think you're guilting me or making me feel bad. YOU did it to yourself and you ruined much more in the process.So please, don't expect sympathy from me. I'm sorry you ruined that for yourself. Maybe I'm not a heartless bitch and a part of me still cares, otherwise I probably wouldn't even be typing this and making it known how I feel, but I'm sick and tired of lying and pretending. I tried and you ruined things more and more for yourself. Many promises have been broken and really, you should know just how important promises and trust is to me.
Anyway, now that that's out of the way time for an update. So, it's nanowrimo! Yay! I was so excited for nanowrimo to start. I love the chaos and the stress of trying to write 50,000 words in a chaotic month. Already it's becoming stressful as I have so much schoolwork on top of it, but staying ahead is helpful. I hit 3000 words on the first day and now I'm nearly at 6000 and counting. Plus tomorrow I have nothing planned until my 5pm class and so I'll be doing a lot of writing. I totally changed my plan. My plan was to write a character of mine, Azrael's story. However, I didn't have enough muse and so instead I'm reworking a story I began to post on my blog earlier, probably last Feb. or so called Two Worlds Collide. The entire story is changed because I cut out one character, added three new ones. Everything is different. The only thing that's the same is the general plot. Otherwise I have reworked the entire story.
My first night of nanowrimo was amazing. Kamali had been at my house all weekend and we spent the night counting down as we watched Doctor Who with lots of snacks and drinks. Then we began writing at midnight, and were up until about 4am working on our nano. I'm excited to have a bunch of writing buddies, at least a handful. It makes it more fun to do it with others and have them pushing you along. I also think that Kamali and I will be working in a few write ins which also help. I'm super excited for nano this month.
I also have some other news. Particularly, I have a date tomorrow. I'm going to dinner with a girl. I'm excited. We've been texting nonstop and she is adorably sweet. I wake up to a good morning text from her every single day. She actually decided to participate in nanowrimo because she heard me talking about it and wanted to do it with me. She's sweet and while I'm super nervous I'm also excited to get out and actually go on a physical date. Plus, this girl and I share so many morals and views. She has the same views on family and she values school as much as I do. She also goes to the same university I'll be transferring into, though i'll be doing my classes off the main campus since they offer them at the one five minutes away from me.
Anyway, I think that's it for the update. I'm not sure when I'll write again since I'll be busy with nanowrimo and all, but we shall see.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Don't Mope...Invent
Okay, so this entry is just going to be a big blurb of a lot of thinking. So far my attempt to let things that I can't change go has gone okay. While it's easy to let go it doesn't make the pain go away or the effects go away. It seems my insomnia has been back in full force. I'm either up until 4-5 am or crashing from pure exhaustion randomly earlier in the night. I guess it can't really be helped, but at least I get a lot done when I can't sleep.
Anyway, I'm not writing to speak of my insomnia. I'm writing to actually blog about things today. Topics I decided to speak of, though I fear this entry may become very disconnected. Oh well, it happens sometimes I guess.
So, first off decisions. Decisions made can change everything. No one realizes it but a decision you make can influence everything around you. It can make or break your future, it can effect every single thing going on in your life, or sometimes it can have no effect at all. The fact is decisions can be however powerful or weak you make them out to be. My decision to change my major, for example, will effect my entire future. I will no longer be en route to becoming a lawyer, I'll be teaching now when I'm done school. It's a change, but I hardly think it'll be a bad one. After all if I hadn't made this decision I would have been en route to a life that I realized was not for me, for dreams that I realized were not my own. Hopes that I realized were for others. My hopes and dreams revolve around writing and helping others, things as an English teacher I can easily achieve. I can continue to write my stories, meanwhile also working to teach kids the love I have and help them in their futures. That to me is a decision I have made right. Yet, in my own decision and decisions of others around me I have realized just how powerful and life altering decisions can be. They can make others happy and they can shatter them. It all depends on the situation and the person.
Let's see. Nanowrimo is close and I already changed my plan. The nephilim story I was writing awhile ago is being reworked and rewritten for nanowrimo. I didn't like one of the characters I created for it, she had no depth, and so with help from a new writing buddy I've decided to rework the whole novel for nanowrimo. It should be fun but also chaotic with the workload I have this semester. I can't wait though. I have so many new writing buddies both online and in person. Plus, Kamali and I plan to try and arrange some write-ins in our area. It'll be chaotic but I'll have quite a few people to push and push me.
Recently my friend Gus has gotten back in touch and we've been talking everyday. I never realized how much I had missed him until he came back. We're right back where we started as always happens and there's going to be no disappearing. Things have been explained and once we caught up we've mutually decided that if one of us seems to disappear on the other an e-mail will be sent or a phone call will be made. We're not going to lose touch again, which makes me happy. I really missed goofing off and just having Gus to keep me somewhat grounded with his bluntness. Plus, I've missed scheming with him. We've already decided it might be fun to do a collaborative story using my character Shane and his Blitz. We've spoken of it before but never actually decided to do it. So maybe we will once our schedules are a bit less hectic. I also convinced him to do nano with me, so he's another writing buddy I've added on this year. I can't wait.
Every good thing must come with bad it seems. When something bad happens there seems to always be good things to follow even if not immediately after. I'm working my ass off in school, I've had actual hang outs with two of my best friends to watch a show i've become obsessed with, I've been doing quite alright despite everything that had happened with my cousin and all the stress and bad that happened more recently. Despite it all I'm not letting myself fall into the hole I would have probably been in a year ago. Positive pioneering as Amy calls it. She's helping me to stick to my let go and move onto more important things theory, and i'm helping her to do the same. It's been working pretty well lately I think. Sure things still bother you, but trying to keep things going and think positively is a great help.
Let's see...what else, what else? Hmm.....Halloween is soon. Kamali and I got matching pirate costumes. I'm excited to wear them. I've haven't worn matching costumes with anyone since junior year when Jessi and I decided to be pink ladies together. I can't wait for the parties and fun of Halloween. The little girl I babysit on Wed. and Friday mornings is so excited to paint our nails, eat candy and watch halloween movies this week. I'm excited too. She makes me happy, as all kids seem to do. Even at the lowest point a simple snuggle or smile from a child seems to always help.
I don't really know what else to say. Since my last entry my life has just been full of school stress, work and Doctor Who. Literally that's it. I've been reading and writing papers out my ass, I've watched all of the 11th doctors episodes of Doctor Who and will be starting on the 10th (yes backwards I know) and I've been working. That's been it really. My life is pretty boring.
I will leave everyone with a quote to think about, I think I may start doing that in every entry. So here's the first one:
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor, Doctor Who (of course)
Anyway, I'm not writing to speak of my insomnia. I'm writing to actually blog about things today. Topics I decided to speak of, though I fear this entry may become very disconnected. Oh well, it happens sometimes I guess.
So, first off decisions. Decisions made can change everything. No one realizes it but a decision you make can influence everything around you. It can make or break your future, it can effect every single thing going on in your life, or sometimes it can have no effect at all. The fact is decisions can be however powerful or weak you make them out to be. My decision to change my major, for example, will effect my entire future. I will no longer be en route to becoming a lawyer, I'll be teaching now when I'm done school. It's a change, but I hardly think it'll be a bad one. After all if I hadn't made this decision I would have been en route to a life that I realized was not for me, for dreams that I realized were not my own. Hopes that I realized were for others. My hopes and dreams revolve around writing and helping others, things as an English teacher I can easily achieve. I can continue to write my stories, meanwhile also working to teach kids the love I have and help them in their futures. That to me is a decision I have made right. Yet, in my own decision and decisions of others around me I have realized just how powerful and life altering decisions can be. They can make others happy and they can shatter them. It all depends on the situation and the person.
Let's see. Nanowrimo is close and I already changed my plan. The nephilim story I was writing awhile ago is being reworked and rewritten for nanowrimo. I didn't like one of the characters I created for it, she had no depth, and so with help from a new writing buddy I've decided to rework the whole novel for nanowrimo. It should be fun but also chaotic with the workload I have this semester. I can't wait though. I have so many new writing buddies both online and in person. Plus, Kamali and I plan to try and arrange some write-ins in our area. It'll be chaotic but I'll have quite a few people to push and push me.
Recently my friend Gus has gotten back in touch and we've been talking everyday. I never realized how much I had missed him until he came back. We're right back where we started as always happens and there's going to be no disappearing. Things have been explained and once we caught up we've mutually decided that if one of us seems to disappear on the other an e-mail will be sent or a phone call will be made. We're not going to lose touch again, which makes me happy. I really missed goofing off and just having Gus to keep me somewhat grounded with his bluntness. Plus, I've missed scheming with him. We've already decided it might be fun to do a collaborative story using my character Shane and his Blitz. We've spoken of it before but never actually decided to do it. So maybe we will once our schedules are a bit less hectic. I also convinced him to do nano with me, so he's another writing buddy I've added on this year. I can't wait.
Every good thing must come with bad it seems. When something bad happens there seems to always be good things to follow even if not immediately after. I'm working my ass off in school, I've had actual hang outs with two of my best friends to watch a show i've become obsessed with, I've been doing quite alright despite everything that had happened with my cousin and all the stress and bad that happened more recently. Despite it all I'm not letting myself fall into the hole I would have probably been in a year ago. Positive pioneering as Amy calls it. She's helping me to stick to my let go and move onto more important things theory, and i'm helping her to do the same. It's been working pretty well lately I think. Sure things still bother you, but trying to keep things going and think positively is a great help.
Let's see...what else, what else? Hmm.....Halloween is soon. Kamali and I got matching pirate costumes. I'm excited to wear them. I've haven't worn matching costumes with anyone since junior year when Jessi and I decided to be pink ladies together. I can't wait for the parties and fun of Halloween. The little girl I babysit on Wed. and Friday mornings is so excited to paint our nails, eat candy and watch halloween movies this week. I'm excited too. She makes me happy, as all kids seem to do. Even at the lowest point a simple snuggle or smile from a child seems to always help.
I don't really know what else to say. Since my last entry my life has just been full of school stress, work and Doctor Who. Literally that's it. I've been reading and writing papers out my ass, I've watched all of the 11th doctors episodes of Doctor Who and will be starting on the 10th (yes backwards I know) and I've been working. That's been it really. My life is pretty boring.
I will leave everyone with a quote to think about, I think I may start doing that in every entry. So here's the first one:
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor, Doctor Who (of course)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
F.R.O.G.S.
Okay...this title might sound a bit odd, but if I explain you'll get it. I'm feeling very inspired tonight. Maybe it was the episode of Doctor Who I just watched, maybe it's just everything that has been going on lately, but despite minor annoyances I'm starting to try to accept things as they come and accept those that want me around and deal with everything that comes my way. Maybe I'm growing up a bit more. I don't know. All I know is that there's been a lot on my mind and a lot going on recently.
First off, I never realized even after camp just how much something life threatening could change things, change a family. I mean who does? Unless your family goes something so serious and almost loses someone so close, you don't think about it. I also never thought it'd get closer to me than the kids at camp. Then about two weeks ago I came home from class to my mom's tears. I at first thought something happened to my brother. His car was the only one not there, he was the only one not home. She told she had something to tell me and my heart dropped. My brother was fine, at least physically. Emotionally, well, my whole family was a mess. What news we had wasn't less severe but it wasn't my immediate family. It was still horrible though. My 11 year old cousin, Tara, had been rushed to the hospital and then flown to a hospital 3 hours away. They thought she had a brain tumor. She had been having hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and throwing up. They didn't know how to diagnose her. To make a long story short the next day after lots of tests they found out she had a RARE brain parasite. They also told my aunt and uncle they could lose her. It sounds and even then sounded like an episode of House. It didn't seem real and yet it was. However, prayers worked and she miraculously responded to treatments and now she's home and will go back to school soon. She even jokes and calls the now dead parasite, Bob.
So, it opened my eyes. I mean here I could have lost a cousin, one I'm decently close to at that. My baby cousin could have died. She could have lost her life. Yet, she fought it and she came out of it. If she can do that, why should I sit and let people get to me so easily. Sure, people are still going to bother me, but hey I need to worry more about appreciating those I have and those who appreciate me. I need to worry less about the negatives and more about the positives. I mean, this could have ended in a complete and utter disaster and left my whole family in misery and yet the impossible happened. She bit insane odds and survived where a majority did not. That to me is a miracle and if that can happen, well then I guess in a way anything realistic can happen.
I just feel like I learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye, so you should appreciate what you have. No one knows what's going to happen. We're all here on borrowed time. We can be here one day and gone the next. That's reality as scary as it is. We can be healthy one day and deathly ill the next. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Our whole lives are one big change. We're here, and yet things change for us everyday. We get one day older. We get taller, smaller, bigger, smarter, stronger, weaker, happier, sadder...and the list goes on. We change, and those around us change. Everything that happens is one big step toward a larger picture. It's insane when you think about it, yet it just is. No one can change it. We just have to live life to the fullest and embrace it.
I don't really know what else I want to say. I had a lot of inspiration and ideas for this, but they seem to have flown out the window now. I do, however, think this is a more positive entry and I'm going to try to write more when I'm happy. I mean, no one can be happy all the time and I know I'm not, but I'm really going to try to keep my focus on the positive things in my life and weed out the negatives or at lest put less focus on that. It's a new goal I have.
Oh and the title of my entry is an acronym a girl from camp taught me. Fully Rely On God. It was something she used as she was fighting her cancer and something I shared with my cousin to keep her fighting. I think in a way everything that happened with my cousin these past two weeks has renewed my faith. I mean, it's crazy but I guess these things do that to people.
First off, I never realized even after camp just how much something life threatening could change things, change a family. I mean who does? Unless your family goes something so serious and almost loses someone so close, you don't think about it. I also never thought it'd get closer to me than the kids at camp. Then about two weeks ago I came home from class to my mom's tears. I at first thought something happened to my brother. His car was the only one not there, he was the only one not home. She told she had something to tell me and my heart dropped. My brother was fine, at least physically. Emotionally, well, my whole family was a mess. What news we had wasn't less severe but it wasn't my immediate family. It was still horrible though. My 11 year old cousin, Tara, had been rushed to the hospital and then flown to a hospital 3 hours away. They thought she had a brain tumor. She had been having hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and throwing up. They didn't know how to diagnose her. To make a long story short the next day after lots of tests they found out she had a RARE brain parasite. They also told my aunt and uncle they could lose her. It sounds and even then sounded like an episode of House. It didn't seem real and yet it was. However, prayers worked and she miraculously responded to treatments and now she's home and will go back to school soon. She even jokes and calls the now dead parasite, Bob.
So, it opened my eyes. I mean here I could have lost a cousin, one I'm decently close to at that. My baby cousin could have died. She could have lost her life. Yet, she fought it and she came out of it. If she can do that, why should I sit and let people get to me so easily. Sure, people are still going to bother me, but hey I need to worry more about appreciating those I have and those who appreciate me. I need to worry less about the negatives and more about the positives. I mean, this could have ended in a complete and utter disaster and left my whole family in misery and yet the impossible happened. She bit insane odds and survived where a majority did not. That to me is a miracle and if that can happen, well then I guess in a way anything realistic can happen.
I just feel like I learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye, so you should appreciate what you have. No one knows what's going to happen. We're all here on borrowed time. We can be here one day and gone the next. That's reality as scary as it is. We can be healthy one day and deathly ill the next. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Our whole lives are one big change. We're here, and yet things change for us everyday. We get one day older. We get taller, smaller, bigger, smarter, stronger, weaker, happier, sadder...and the list goes on. We change, and those around us change. Everything that happens is one big step toward a larger picture. It's insane when you think about it, yet it just is. No one can change it. We just have to live life to the fullest and embrace it.
I don't really know what else I want to say. I had a lot of inspiration and ideas for this, but they seem to have flown out the window now. I do, however, think this is a more positive entry and I'm going to try to write more when I'm happy. I mean, no one can be happy all the time and I know I'm not, but I'm really going to try to keep my focus on the positive things in my life and weed out the negatives or at lest put less focus on that. It's a new goal I have.
Oh and the title of my entry is an acronym a girl from camp taught me. Fully Rely On God. It was something she used as she was fighting her cancer and something I shared with my cousin to keep her fighting. I think in a way everything that happened with my cousin these past two weeks has renewed my faith. I mean, it's crazy but I guess these things do that to people.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I am Undiscovered
Okay, so with all the negativity, I decided to post a positive. I decided to give some credit and shout outs to some people who have really stuck out to me lately and helped me. Kamali and I had a long talk yesterday and it left me thinking and so I decided on a good entry I would do this. I apologize because this certainly isn't everyone and I don't have much time, but I'm going to do some positives. Some people in this might not even see this, but that doesn't matter.
First off EVERYONE at Camp Sunshine. I don't need to elaborate much because I already wrote a blog specifically about Camp Sunshine and it's impact on me. Everyone I met there has made my life so much better and I hope to see them again next year. It's my happy place and I cannot wait to return.
Then, well let me do this sort of chronologically now with four people I really want to talk about. I'm going to do it in the order I met them.
Amy: Okay, I've known you FOREVER. Since 7th grade, and you're actually probably the friend I've had the longest and whose been truest to me. You've been there for me a lot lately, always checking in and sitting and talking with me. You never judge me or have anything negative to say. You're attentive and you listen. Everything you do, you mean well and you help. You really have been a true friend, even if we had our differences back in high school. High school is when the drama occurs though and well I still learned that you were a true friend, unlike others I was closer to in high school. :D I thank you for that. I only hope I can do just as much for you.
Kamali: Of course Kamali is going to be on here. I don't want to ramble too much, because I could say a lot about her, but she probably knows every damn thing about me. We've stayed up until 5-6am sleeping over one another's houses just talking about life. She's one of the few people I feel I can truly talk to about anything and everything. She'll be blunt if I'm being stupid, and sometimes I need that. She doesn't take shit and I can keep going. She's been there and gone through some of the same issues with certain people I have. We have so much in common and I live for every time we hang out because I feel so alive and good. Wed. study days are my life right now because even if I'm doing schoolwork we're still together doing it.
Erin: My cupid. I met you through Kamali and originally just as an rp friend, but clearly you've become so much more than that. You became a best friend, and then somehow I fell in love. I called you cupid once I started having those feelings and it only blossomed from there. It's almost two months and I couldn't be happier. You make me smile when no one else can and you're there for me always. I only hope I'm there for you just as much. We didn't say I love you right away because we wanted to make sure we were ready and it really was meant. I'm glad for that because it really shows how serious and how much you care. You're not like anyone else I've been with and I never want to lose you. I know no matter what happens we'll always be in each other's lives. Winter break is going to be amazing. I cannot wait for you to come here and to show you certain places and things. I love you.
Last but certainly not least, Kelly: You are just amazing to me. You have been so supportive and loving. Our phone dates are something I look forward to so we can talk about important things and silly things. You know I'm always here for you and I know I can count on you for the same. I wish you lived closer so we could hug when we really want to, which seems to be a lot lately. You need to get a webcam besides your mic so we can REALLY skype-skype! You have made things so much better recently and I wouldn't trade any of our talks for the world. You just amaze me sometimes with how you handle things. Despite having clinical depression you do a REALLY amazing job at handling things when I've seen others go completely bonkers because of it. I love you and I appreciate everything you do. You're a true best friend, Kel-Bel! (totally wanted to say mate there, think all our HP talk and charries are getting to me? lolz).
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to run out to work anyway, so I don't have time to say more if I wanted to. I just wanted to write a positive little blurb about what I've appreciated lately after a talk with Kamali reminded me. :D So there's that.
First off EVERYONE at Camp Sunshine. I don't need to elaborate much because I already wrote a blog specifically about Camp Sunshine and it's impact on me. Everyone I met there has made my life so much better and I hope to see them again next year. It's my happy place and I cannot wait to return.
Then, well let me do this sort of chronologically now with four people I really want to talk about. I'm going to do it in the order I met them.
Amy: Okay, I've known you FOREVER. Since 7th grade, and you're actually probably the friend I've had the longest and whose been truest to me. You've been there for me a lot lately, always checking in and sitting and talking with me. You never judge me or have anything negative to say. You're attentive and you listen. Everything you do, you mean well and you help. You really have been a true friend, even if we had our differences back in high school. High school is when the drama occurs though and well I still learned that you were a true friend, unlike others I was closer to in high school. :D I thank you for that. I only hope I can do just as much for you.
Kamali: Of course Kamali is going to be on here. I don't want to ramble too much, because I could say a lot about her, but she probably knows every damn thing about me. We've stayed up until 5-6am sleeping over one another's houses just talking about life. She's one of the few people I feel I can truly talk to about anything and everything. She'll be blunt if I'm being stupid, and sometimes I need that. She doesn't take shit and I can keep going. She's been there and gone through some of the same issues with certain people I have. We have so much in common and I live for every time we hang out because I feel so alive and good. Wed. study days are my life right now because even if I'm doing schoolwork we're still together doing it.
Erin: My cupid. I met you through Kamali and originally just as an rp friend, but clearly you've become so much more than that. You became a best friend, and then somehow I fell in love. I called you cupid once I started having those feelings and it only blossomed from there. It's almost two months and I couldn't be happier. You make me smile when no one else can and you're there for me always. I only hope I'm there for you just as much. We didn't say I love you right away because we wanted to make sure we were ready and it really was meant. I'm glad for that because it really shows how serious and how much you care. You're not like anyone else I've been with and I never want to lose you. I know no matter what happens we'll always be in each other's lives. Winter break is going to be amazing. I cannot wait for you to come here and to show you certain places and things. I love you.
Last but certainly not least, Kelly: You are just amazing to me. You have been so supportive and loving. Our phone dates are something I look forward to so we can talk about important things and silly things. You know I'm always here for you and I know I can count on you for the same. I wish you lived closer so we could hug when we really want to, which seems to be a lot lately. You need to get a webcam besides your mic so we can REALLY skype-skype! You have made things so much better recently and I wouldn't trade any of our talks for the world. You just amaze me sometimes with how you handle things. Despite having clinical depression you do a REALLY amazing job at handling things when I've seen others go completely bonkers because of it. I love you and I appreciate everything you do. You're a true best friend, Kel-Bel! (totally wanted to say mate there, think all our HP talk and charries are getting to me? lolz).
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to run out to work anyway, so I don't have time to say more if I wanted to. I just wanted to write a positive little blurb about what I've appreciated lately after a talk with Kamali reminded me. :D So there's that.
Monday, September 13, 2010
If this is what you think is honest
Okay, so I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry if everything came across wrong. I was upset and I've been upset along time about all of what I said. It's been bothering me despite promises nothing was changing. It did and it has. I still love you and I still feel as I always have, but it's really hard to believe the same when it hasn't been shown for awhile now. Yes, I feel replaced, yes I feel unneeded, yes I feel paranoid and I have for a long time. I've had so many freak outs and breakdowns because of that. i just don't understand how someone can be called a best friend, and yet you don't talk to them and don't even try. To me a best friend has been someone that's always there, that can be relied upon and you can count on. However, I can't give that to someone if they don't let me. You let me in the past. Talking 24/7, it being completely weird and freaky when we didn't. Yet, suddenly it seemed none of that mattered. One person did, and whenever that person didn't talk to you, it was all over facebook. I'm not jealous, I'm just saying this only fueled my feelings of replacement and why I don't understand how I can be a best friend, when outwardly it seems almost like you don't care. Maybe it's wrong to say that, but we went from 24/7 talking to awkwardness and weirdness. I had always been there, you and I used to talk like there was no tomorrow until we fell asleep on one or the other. We used to be able to talk about everything, without awkwardness. Now it seems everytime we've spoken there's been just that, awkwardness. I don't want that. I want my sissy back. I want the girl who has been my best friend. I want to talk like we used to. However, it just seems like everytime I've tried I've been brushed off or something has been different. So, in my paranoia I decided I wasn't talking to anyone unless they talked to me first, because well this would show who truly wanted me around. Yet, who wasn't talking to me then? Yes, when we talked of it I said I'd try not to do that, but for me it doesn't always work when my mind is freaking out still. I'm sorry if this sounds wrong, but I just felt a need to explain why I've been upset and why it hurts so much. Maybe this ramble isn't doing a good job. I don't know. All I know is I've been feeling like crap and like I've been losing you for a long time now, despite promises. Promises that now seem like maybe they weren't happening because I don't feel like we were both trying. It could be my fault too, paranoia and hurt causing me to push back, but this is how I've been feeling. It hurts too, because I feel like there's no trying to fix it when that's all I want. I've cried because all I want is my sister back. This sucks, it really does. But if things are going to keep going this way, I don't want to hurt anymore because of this feeling of uselessness, unneededness, hurtfulness and anxiety over it, so if it keeps going this way maybe it is better. I know you say it sucks, well we can fix it, but I can't fix it alone. I needed time to cool off, I got off msn and did schoolwork and worked on a post. I was on all yesterday. I'm still here, but that doesn't matter if we don't talk and both try. I know what I want, but do you know what you do? I can't tell anymore. I'm not trying to be mean. I love you, I do. I've just been really hurt and this is the correlation of everything I've been feeling so long, but with the awkwardness I've been afraid to talk to you about it. I've been afraid I'd set you off or make you feel worse. That isn't my intention. My intention is to simply explain to you how I've been feeling. Why I said what I did the other night. I don't want to change my mind, I don't want to lose you, but sometimes I feel like it's already lost. I mean, how can we go from 24/7 talking to not talking? How does it work that way? I'm sorry, i love you, i do. I miss you too, but I don't know what to do here. Neither of us can fix this alone, and so if you want to fix it, I'll be here, if not, well I guess I'm letting go. It won't change how I feel and I'll always be here a call, im or text away, but I can't keep doing this. If we don't fix it I can't continuously go in this cycle and feel this way. Maybe it is me, maybe I just fuck up every friendship I have after a certain length of time if something goes wrong, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I would have fought to keep this from happening. I just couldn't do much alone. I don't even know if this makes any sense. All I know is I had to write this, because I've been depressed since our little "conversation" and I haven't known what to do. above all, I love you and that's why this hurts so much. I don't want to, nor do I like fighting with you and really I just want this fixed. I want nothing to change between us and I want things normal again. I'm just afraid. Afraid of how you'll take this now that I'm finally putting it out here and afraid of what happens next. I just wasn't sure what to do and this, well, was an option. I've been too afraid to say all this to you and upset you. I always put others first and so I've held this all in for so long, but I can't anymore. So, here's this. I hope you know I love you more than anything, to infinity and beyond. You're still my sissy and woody and always will be, but what happens next depends on what you want. I know what I do and I've said it countless times already. I love you, and I'll be here.
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