You Might Find Who You're Supposed To Be

Yeah, I blogged last night. Yes, this is going to be another rant, so if you don't like it I suggest you stop reading now. I apologize in advance, I just am really struggling with a lot right now even if people are telling me "Oh, you're better than this" and "Oh, you deserve better than what is being done." It's just too much at once. That's all. Too much at once on top of my paranoia.

I don't know how to be vague about any of this. All I can say is if anything what hurt before hurts worse now. Waking up to everything hurts worse now. Things feel fake, tense and I don't like it. Tension and walking on eggshells sucks and I feel like that's all I'm doing. All I'm doing is waiting for the last spark, the last thing to happen to set everything off and change everything.Yeah, I'm told it won't, but there's already feelings I never had, hurt I never had against one factor in this entire thing, surfacing. How are things not going to change with that? Yeah, I keep saying I'd rather be the hurt one but it sucks being the hurt one too. It sucks when I WANT to go to work just to get away from, well two people I held closest to me. One I'm determined to keep close and the same (though even now some of the situation seems stressed), the other I can't even talk to. The fact is, I'm trying to heal myself so maybe everything can be normal and I'm STILL getting hurt. I'm still feeling miserable and like shit and guess what one person that usually helps me ISN'T right now and that makes it all hurt worse. I feel like there's no caring there. Maybe not everyone reacts like me, but even knowing that it all still hurts like a bitch.

To make all this worse today is already starting as a horrible day. My phone refuses to charge. It's been on the charger ALL NIGHT and won't even charge. So that's godawful and I'm pissed and annoyed. I'll be going to the verizon store after work to try to correct that. I just hope it lasts until then so I can at least let Jill know when I'm picking her up. I'm so grateful for Jill at the moment. She was with me when I was most upset, and still managed to get me smiling and make me feel better. That's certainly a good thing.I'm also grateful that she decided to plan a sleepover and movie night with me tonight. I'm just very hateful of a lot of people right now, even some I wouldn't expect to be having feelings of hated towards. I really hate feeling like this. Last night's blog. This one. None of them are like my usual self and yet it's the me I've been growing accustomed to in the last few days. I don't see it changing because well I don't want to ruin others happy just because I'm miserable. I can't and won't do that. Complaining is one thing but it won't go beyond that. There's nothing I can do anyway.